Interesting Idea on how to Build Confidence

[michael2]

I think most guys know, unless your above average in terms of looks, income, etc, your not going to get compliments. No girl is going to boost your confidence.

So how do you build confidence if this is the case?

The only possible way is to build it yourself. How?

Start doing things that you can be proud of.

Go to a concert or sporting event by yourself. Start working out consistently. Pick back up that hobby you put down and get better at it. Go hiking. Go out to a nice cafe by yourself.

Basically, you have to start doing things on your own that you can be proud of. Start living a life that's interesting, that someone else would want to be a part of. Once you start doing this, you can start growing your confidence on your own.

At least thats my theory

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Confidence comes from Experience.
Experience comes from Application.
Application comes from an Acceptance Of Potential Failure.
Acceptance Of Potential Failure comes from the First Problem.
The First Problem comes after the Starting Point.
The Starting Point is where you Start.

Reversing it as such:

The Starting Point is where you Start.
The First Problem comes after the Starting Point.
Acceptance Of Potential Failure is the First Problem.
Application comes after the Acceptance Of Potential Failure.
From Application we gain Experience.
From Experience we can extrapolate Confidence.

It's all in Knowing and Accepting what we Do and Do Not Know.
We are all Students Of Life, that never changes in a human lifetime.

 

[okidoke]

I think most guys know, unless your above average in terms of looks, income, etc, your not going to get compliments. No girl is going to boost your confidence.

Did you mean to write “compliments”?

I think the most important thing that you can do is learn to be self sufficient (if physically possible), that you don’t need anyone else, the you’re your own person. That’s where confidence comes from. It’s “having your sh*t together”. When you have that you exude an air that people like and are attracted to.

 

[sub5male]

True confidence only comes from having success though. Self improvement is important in many areas of life but unless a man meets a womens looks threshold, no amount of confidence or personality is going to cause her to be attracted to him. On the other hand, a man can be boring and vain but if he has the height & looks he will never lack attention from women. If self improvement & confidence in other areas were the key to success with women, many physically unattractive men who are single & alone would have no issue finding romantic partners but that is not the way our society functions, at least in the western world anyway.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I was always naturally insecure and unconfident, due to being bullied in school days. I gained confidence by successfully manipulating men into doing whatever would make me happy that day.

As I matured I realised that is the easiest way to gain confidence but it wasnt nice or morally right. So now to gain confidence I debate people, I wear clothes that make me feel empowered. I have a lot of cosmetic procedures.

My advice to men would be, go to events where you need to wear a suit and tie. Nothing is more sexy on a man than a suit.

 

[okidoke]

True confidence only comes from having success though. Self improvement is important in many areas of life but unless a man meets a womens looks threshold, no amount of confidence or personality is going to cause her to be attracted to him. On the other hand, a man can be boring and vain but if he has the height & looks he will never lack attention from women. If self improvement & confidence in other areas were the key to success with women, many physically unattractive men who are single & alone would have no issue finding romantic partners but that is not the way our society functions, at least in the western world anyway.

True confidence? Is there fake confidence? Pretending to be confident is not confidence before you answer that.

I hate when people generalise. You’re obviously referring to particular types of women. You can’t speak for all women. Attractiveness is subjective. And attractive men still get dumped as do attractive women.

I’m actually getting tired of reading so many posts about attracting women. You don’t have to attract women. If you really need a woman in your life to make yourself complete, you only need to attract one woman. Finding that woman amongst the millions on this planet is the tricky thing of course. But like searching for gold, you have to dig through a lot of worthless rubbish to find your treasure. And ask yourself, are you yourself up to the same “standard” as the woman you seek. Maybe you need to compromise, lower the bar, look at a woman less shallowly.

If you’re truly hideous to look at, well, find a woman who is blind who can appreciate you for your personality.

I’m not picking on you @sub5male. There’s been too many guys on here going on about not being attractive enough, even I’ve used the line in my depressive episodes, but we have to all stop doing that. This world isn’t just for the “beautiful” people.

 

[Unsigned]

My advice to men would be, go to events where you need to wear a suit and tie.

As I was walking around at lunchtime in the smoke filled streets yesterday, I realized I was the only one wearing a tie.
No one seems to do that anymore.

I fact, last week a bum walked past dozens of people in a large area by a fountain and headed straight to me to beg for money.
I guess the dress pants, shirt and tie led him to believe I was a CEO or something.
He muttered a curse at me when I passed by without responding to his request.
I normally ignore these people, but I happened to be in a very bad mood and loudly cursed back at him, causing everyone to stare at me.
It was not my finest moment.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

As I was walking around at lunchtime in the smoke filled streets yesterday, I realized I was the only one wearing a tie.
No one seems to do that anymore.

I fact, last week a bum walked past dozens of people in a large area by a fountain and headed straight to me to beg for money.
I guess the dress pants, shirt and tie led him to believe I was a CEO or something.
He muttered a curse at me when I passed by without responding to his request.
I normally ignore these people, but I happened to be in a very bad mood and loudly cursed back at him, causing everyone to stare at me.
It was not my finest moment.

Do you feel confidence, more valid as a man when you dress like a CEO?

I feel that way when I wear a show stopping dress, I feel like im “the woman”not just a woman, really helps.

Also my brother says sometimes he talks to unattractive women to boost his ego as they are often more free with the compliments

 

[sub5male]

As I was walking around at lunchtime in the smoke filled streets yesterday, I realized I was the only one wearing a tie.
No one seems to do that anymore.

I fact, last week a bum walked past dozens of people in a large area by a fountain and headed straight to me to beg for money.
I guess the dress pants, shirt and tie led him to believe I was a CEO or something.
He muttered a curse at me when I passed by without responding to his request.
I normally ignore these people, but I happened to be in a very bad mood and loudly cursed back at him, causing everyone to stare at me.
It was not my finest moment.

When women claim they love a man in a suit & tie what they really mean is that they love a tall, good looking man who dresses well. Wearing expensive clothes is most certainly not going to make an unattractive man suddenly attractive in their eyes. The error in thinking there is that becoming less unattractive somehow automatically makes a man attractive which is false. Men under a certain level of attractiveness are invisible to most women regardless of his level of fashion so in their eyes a nice suit on a sub5 male is like putting a fancy ribbon on a pile of poop.

 

[sub5male]

True confidence? Is there fake confidence? Pretending to be confident is not confidence before you answer that.

I hate when people generalise. You’re obviously referring to particular types of women. You can’t speak for all women. Attractiveness is subjective. And attractive men still get dumped as do attractive women.

I’m actually getting tired of reading so many posts about attracting women. You don’t have to attract women. If you really need a woman in your life to make yourself complete, you only need to attract one woman. Finding that woman amongst the millions on this planet is the tricky thing of course. But like searching for gold, you have to dig through a lot of worthless rubbish to find your treasure. And ask yourself, are you yourself up to the same “standard” as the woman you seek. Maybe you need to compromise, lower the bar, look at a woman less shallowly.

If you’re truly hideous to look at, well, find a woman who is blind who can appreciate you for your personality.

I’m not picking on you @sub5male. There’s been too many guys on here going on about not being attractive enough, even I’ve used the line in my depressive episodes, but we have to all stop doing that. This world isn’t just for the “beautiful” people.

True confidence is that which aligns with reality so being confident about something but never having positive results is being delusional. Perhaps the difference in our perspectives is due to where we live-I have never been to your part of the world so cannot speak to how things work down under. In the US (and I understand also in Canada and the UK) however, women would prefer to either share a top tier man or remain alone rather than settle for lesser, below average men such as myself.

I am only looking for one women and have zero interest in becoming a player even if I had the looks to do so. I was married for over 20 years and since our divorce around 6 years ago I have not had even a single women I was attracted to show mutual interest in me, despite getting in the best physical shape of my life at over 50 and becoming financially independent.

I would be ecstatic if a women on what I consider my own level showed me interest but all of the ones I have encountered are either already taken or are only interested in tall, attractive men (and more often times, both-i.e. already taken by a tall, above average looking man).

As far as so called lowering one's own standards, that never works and is a recipe for disaster. For example, being in extremely good shape myself, I am only interested in physically fit women but this characteristic alone gives them access to men who are far more attractive than I am so men such as myself are SOL. This is an example of another dichotomy dilemma because self improvement is only a factor in dating for women & average or above men. Perhaps the world is not only for beautiful people (though being physically attractive allows for a much better life all around than being unattractive does) but in the modern dating market men in the US who are below a certain level of height & looks are excluded from participating.

 

[okidoke]

True confidence is that which aligns with reality so being confident about something but never having positive results is being delusional. Perhaps the difference in our perspectives is due to where we live-I have never been to your part of the world so cannot speak to how things work down under. In the US (and I understand also in Canada and the UK) however, women would prefer to either share a top tier man or remain alone rather than settle for lesser, below average men such as myself.

I am only looking for one women and have zero interest in becoming a player even if I had the looks to do so. I was married for over 20 years and since our divorce around 6 years ago I have not had even a single women I was attracted to show mutual interest in me, despite getting in the best physical shape of my life at over 50 and becoming financially independent.

I would be ecstatic if a women on what I consider my own level showed me interest but all of the ones I have encountered are either already taken or are only interested in tall, attractive men (and more often times, both-i.e. already taken by a tall, above average looking man).

As far as so called lowering one's own standards, that never works and is a recipe for disaster. For example, being in extremely good shape myself, I am only interested in physically fit women but this characteristic alone gives them access to men who are far more attractive than I am so men such as myself are SOL. This is an example of another dichotomy dilemma because self improvement is only a factor in dating for women & average or above men. Perhaps the world is not only for beautiful people (though being physically attractive allows for a much better life all around than being unattractive does) but in the modern dating market men in the US who are below a certain level of height & looks are excluded from participating.

Life will continue to be what you believe it to be. I can’t prevent you generalising or thinking as negatively as you do, but nothing will change unless you do.

 

[user 139760]

True confidence is that which aligns with reality so being confident about something but never having positive results is being delusional. Perhaps the difference in our perspectives is due to where we live-I have never been to your part of the world so cannot speak to how things work down under. In the US (and I understand also in Canada and the UK) however, women would prefer to either share a top tier man or remain alone rather than settle for lesser, below average men such as myself.

I am only looking for one women and have zero interest in becoming a player even if I had the looks to do so. I was married for over 20 years and since our divorce around 6 years ago I have not had even a single women I was attracted to show mutual interest in me, despite getting in the best physical shape of my life at over 50 and becoming financially independent.

I would be ecstatic if a women on what I consider my own level showed me interest but all of the ones I have encountered are either already taken or are only interested in tall, attractive men (and more often times, both-i.e. already taken by a tall, above average looking man).

As far as so called lowering one's own standards, that never works and is a recipe for disaster. For example, being in extremely good shape myself, I am only interested in physically fit women but this characteristic alone gives them access to men who are far more attractive than I am so men such as myself are SOL. This is an example of another dichotomy dilemma because self improvement is only a factor in dating for women & average or above men. Perhaps the world is not only for beautiful people (though being physically attractive allows for a much better life all around than being unattractive does) but in the modern dating market men in the US who are below a certain level of height & looks are excluded from participating.

I'm not gonna say what a load of bollocks I think that is, I've done so numerous times in numerous threads over the years. So a quick note only.
I got two girls. Adult girls now. I'm short, not quite 5'8. I'm moderately attractive, maybe around a 5. If you took a look at my ex, you'd probably rate her a 3. I rated her an easy 8. The following girlfriend I had, you'd probably rate an 11. I ended up rating a 2 for reason I won't get into. I'm also close to your age and definitely don't think my life is over, nor do I care about lowering my "standards" or raising them. For all I know, you're much more attractive than I am (according to some) yet, you're the one who, despite being with only one person, was married 20 years. My longest relationship was three. I have been with maybe 5 or 6 girls for longer than three months.
So...who's the more suitable prospect? Who's to say? I wouldn't mind trading your experience with mine. You can argue I was more of a "player" or don juan than you were, yet you're the one who made it work 20 years.
My only comment, not about your thinking, which I think is wrong for way too many reasons for me to want to get into, is that instead of finding reasons for nothing happening, you should probably find ways to make some things happen.
It's not about what you think you are, it's about what you're going to do with what you got.

Mindset matters above all else. It leads to things like a girl I know who's very attractive, much younger than I am, dating a short, handicapped, not quite attractive chubby guy who works at a convenience store.
If you think it's over and don't take a chance, it really will be.

 

[Unsigned]

Do you feel confidence, more valid as a man when you dress like a CEO?

The bum perceived me as someone of that caliber because of the shirt and tie.
But no, I do not consider myself to dress like a CEO, as they wear $2000 suits, not Haggar slacks and Van Heusen shirts.
I wear a shirt and tie to work because:
1) It is something I have been doing since I was 6 years old. I went to Catholic grade school, high school and college. The college was the only one where I didn't have to wear a shirt and tie every day.
2) I believe it shows proper respect for the place of employment.
So no, it does not give me confidence. I'm confident enough in getting work done and being able to help my peers.

brother says sometimes he talks to unattractive women to boost his ego

A lot of guys do this. Not something I am willing to do, though.

When women claim they love a man in a suit & tie what they really mean is that they love a tall, good looking man who dresses well. Wearing expensive clothes is most certainly not going to make an unattractive man suddenly attractive in their eyes. The error in thinking there is that becoming less unattractive somehow automatically makes a man attractive which is false. Men under a certain level of attractiveness are invisible to most women regardless of his level of fashion so in their eyes a nice suit on a sub5 male is like putting a fancy ribbon on a pile of poop.

I agree, and it reminds me of when my mother told me that I should "buy a sports car", implying it would attract women.
I told her it would be like putting a silk purse on a sow's ear.
Yes, I purposely botched the saying in order to to confound her. I felt she had it coming for her not being able to accept reality.
And rightly so, she was confounded...

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you are waiting for someone else to validate you, you'll likely never get that validation you want. So yeah, you need to do **** for yourself. You need to be okay with who you are. You need to be YOU. Not the person who only sees negative or the person who thinks people are evil. They aren't all evil, there are GOOD people out there. There are lots of people out there who would be willing to give you a chance, whether for friendship or romance if you take the time to learn how to get out of your own dam way. The longer you keep trying to justify everything, the longer you make excuses, the longer it will take you to get where you really want to be.

Find your successes in other areas. There ARE positive things in your life. If you say there aren't, you really need to readjust your way of thinking. If you had a bad date or talked to a girl, take it for what it is. You talked to someone, you had a date. Just because you have a date does not mean that person is going to be your soulmate. Not everyone is going to mesh with you, not everyone is suited for you. But you had the experience, what can you learn from it? Walk tall, sit up straight, don't look at the ground, say hi to people as you walk down the street, talk to the cashier when you get your groceries or whatever. STOP making excuses, STOP thinking you know everyone's motives and START figuring out your own life, because no one else is going to do it for you.

 

[sub5male]

It's not about what you think you are, it's about what you're going to do with what you got.

Mindset matters above all else. It leads to things like a girl I know who's very attractive, much younger than I am, dating a short, handicapped, not quite attractive chubby guy who works at a convenience store.
If you think it's over and don't take a chance, it really will be.

You are confusing mindset as the key to success when it really just comes down to pure chance and is not going to happen that way for every, of even many men. When a man has been beaten down by the rejections over the years it is only natural for him to become resigned to his fate that the women he is attracted to find him unworthy. In other words, it 's not that I think it's over but more of the fact that I have been taught this truth when all of my many attempts over the past 6+ years have resulted in total failure.

 

[user 139760]

You are confusing mindset as the key to success when it really just comes down to pure chance and is not going to happen that way for every, of even many men. When a man has been beaten down by the rejections over the years it is only natural for him to become resigned to his fate that the women he is attracted to find him unworthy. In other words, it 's not that I think it's over but more of the fact that I have been taught this truth when all of my many attempts over the past 6+ years have resulted in total failure.

Well, I'm sorry you feel so resigned. After 15 years of being single, I still do not. You can argue it's delusion, but I'd much rather feel the way I do now, then the way you do. Because it's a painful way to live.

 

[TheRealCallie]

When a man has been beaten down by the rejections over the years it is only natural for him to become resigned to his fate

It's also only natural that we get dirty and smelly every day. I guess we should just all resign ourselves to that fate and stop showering because what's the point, it's just going to happen again......
You can say it's not a good analogy, but it really is. Despite getting dirty every day, we still strive to be clean. It's the same with "rejection." Yes, it will happen, but if you give up, that's on you, there are plenty of things that you could do, but if all you're interested in is excuses, then again, that's on you.

 

[user 139760]

It's also only natural that we get dirty and smelly every day. I guess we should just all resign ourselves to that fate and stop showering because what's the point, it's just going to happen again......
You can say it's not a good analogy, but it really is. Despite getting dirty every day, we still strive to be clean. It's the same with "rejection." Yes, it will happen, but if you give up, that's on you, there are plenty of things that you could do, but if all you're interested in is excuses, then again, that's on you.

@sub5male I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on this. They mirror much of my own.

 

[sub5male]

@sub5male I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on this. They mirror much of my own.

It is a false analogy because a person has complete control over their own cleanliness but has zero control over who finds them unattractive. A better analogy would be a person who does everything they can to stay clean but is always constantly filthy despite their best efforts to prevent it.

Dating is not like weight loss where anyone following the perscribed actions is sure to lose weight. Rejection alone is not the problem, the problem is complete and total rejection over many years. I think it is the fallacious assumption that anyone can eventually succeed in dating if they do and say the "right" things which causes such resistance to other peoples miserable experiences. The fact that a man can indeed end up alone and unwanted despite his best efforts is an uncomfortable reality which few are willing to accept because of the lies and platitudes which we were fed all of our lives about how the world works.

 

[Unsigned]

It is a false analogy because a person has complete control over their own cleanliness but has zero control over who finds them unattractive. A better analogy would be a person who does everything they can to stay clean but is always constantly filthy despite their best efforts to prevent it.

Dating is not like weight loss where anyone following the perscribed actions is sure to lose weight. Rejection alone is not the problem, the problem is complete and total rejection over many years. I think it is the fallacious assumption that anyone can eventually succeed in dating if they do and say the "right" things which causes such resistance to other peoples miserable experiences. The fact that a man can indeed end up alone and unwanted despite his best efforts is an uncomfortable reality which few are willing to accept because of the lies and platitudes which we were fed all of our lives about how the world works.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but I have to admit that I am alone due to my own standards.
I have what I call my 7-29 rule.
I only want females 7 or higher in looks AND 29 or younger in age.
And since I am 57...well...

I think most guys can "find someone". But whether or not it will be someone he wants is the real problem.
Personally, as much as I may complain, I prefer my life as it is currently then to have a relationship with a female I do not find physically attractive.