Interesting Idea on how to Build Confidence

[TheRealCallie]

I agree with a lot of what you say, but I have to admit that I am alone due to my own standards.
I have what I call my 7-29 rule.
I only want females 7 or higher in looks AND 29 or younger in age.
And since I am 57...well...

I think most guys can "find someone". But whether or not it will be someone he wants is the real problem.
Personally, as much as I may complain, I prefer my life as it is currently then to have a relationship with a female I do not find physically attractive.

See, right there is your accountability.

What others fail to realize is that there ARE people out there that would give you a chance and meet your standards. BUT, because you want something so specific, it lowers your chances significantly.

Also, again, I will add that attraction is not always immediate. And also, just because you WANT something doesn't mean that is who your "soulmate" is, (I don't particularly like that word, but it's a word everyone will understand) which is why sometimes you need to go outside your box.

Just because you talk to someone or take them on a date doesn't mean you have to marry them and spend your entire life with them.

 

[michael2]

If you are waiting for someone else to validate you, you'll likely never get that validation you want. So yeah, you need to do honeysuckle for yourself. You need to be okay with who you are. You need to be YOU. Not the person who only sees negative or the person who thinks people are evil. They aren't all evil, there are GOOD people out there. There are lots of people out there who would be willing to give you a chance, whether for friendship or romance if you take the time to learn how to get out of your own dam way. The longer you keep trying to justify everything, the longer you make excuses, the longer it will take you to get where you really want to be.

Find your successes in other areas. There ARE positive things in your life. If you say there aren't, you really need to readjust your way of thinking. If you had a bad date or talked to a girl, take it for what it is. You talked to someone, you had a date. Just because you have a date does not mean that person is going to be your soulmate. Not everyone is going to mesh with you, not everyone is suited for you. But you had the experience, what can you learn from it? Walk tall, sit up straight, don't look at the ground, say hi to people as you walk down the street, talk to the cashier when you get your groceries or whatever. STOP making excuses, STOP thinking you know everyone's motives and START figuring out your own life, because no one else is going to do it for you.

The 'ol, pull up your bootstraps talk from Callie. lol it never gets old

Becoming confident is not easy

Most confident people are that way out of little effort of their own. They were either good looking, very talented at something, born into a wealthy family, naturally very good socially (yes thats a thing), or something else that had very little to do with their own effort. But of course nobody looks below the surface to see that.

I think the big mistake people make is they say "so and so is confident. why aren't you?"

It's like expecting/wanting everyone to be extroverted. Its a crazy, unrealistic standard thats been set for men. Not every guy is going to have bravado. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Instead of people always looking for the same strengths, maybe they should look for strength in other parts of someone's personality.

 

[okidoke]

..... Instead of people always looking for the same strengths, maybe they should look for strength in other parts of someone's personality.

But that happens all the time, otherwise I'd still be a virgin and single.

 

[okidoke]

Becoming confident is not easy

Your tone sounds so different to your OP

Most confident people are that way out of little effort of their own. They were either good looking, very talented at something, born into a wealthy family, naturally very good socially (yes thats a thing), or something else that had very little to do with their own effort.

People with all those things still having many failings, unsuccessful relationships, commit suicide etc etc.

 

[user 139760]

The 'ol, pull up your bootstraps talk from Callie. lol it never gets old

That's kind of because she has a point. I don't mean just in relationships, but with anything and everything in life.
If you don't, nothing happens.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

If anyone wants to try faking it till they make it… please understand people dislike confidence, so if you try the fake it till you make it approach you may crumble under the tearing down you’ll face for just understanding you are better looking than the average person, or even better at something than the average person. However, if you say you aren't then you will be told you need confidence and you are in a failure mindset or you are fishing for compliments… so maybe the best thing Callie said on here is no one can validate you because they simply wont. You’ll never impress everyone, you’ll never be humble enough or confident enough.

I think true confidence will come if you know you are something amazing, and you believe with no external influence. Men on youtube say women are delusional in that way, but it works… make your own value and stick to it. No holiday sales or discounts

 

[TheRealCallie]

Becoming confident is not easy

I have been on both sides of this. I know all about what it takes to gain confidence. Don't assume you know what others have been through, because you don't. Like you said, people don't often look below the surface. THAT is one of YOUR faults, it seems, based on what you just wrote.

People seem to think that my life is perfect. That I've never had any problems in life. You'd be surprised what I've been through in life, you'd be surprised what I have overcome in life. Though, given that I'm apparently "above average" in looks, I'm sure you will all just think it's crap, because there's no way someone like me could ever understand anything.

 

[TheRealCallie]

please understand people dislike confidence,

No, people don't like arrogance which is what people think confidence is and/or that's how it comes across. There's a fine line that people often can't distinguish.

so maybe the best thing Callie said on here is no one can validate you because they simply wont. You’ll never impress everyone, you’ll never be humble enough or confident enough.

Yes and no. Other people can't validate you because it'll never be enough if you don't believe it. You have to do it for YOURSELF, not for anyone else. You have to believe it for YOURSELF, because until you do, it'll never work.

make your own value and stick to it. No holiday sales or discounts

This I 100% agree with. It's all about SELF worth/value, no one else can give you that.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

No, people don't like arrogance which is what people think confidence is and/or that's how it comes across. There's a fine line that people often can't distinguish.

Yes and no. Other people can't validate you because it'll never be enough if you don't believe it. You have to do it for YOURSELF, not for anyone else. You have to believe it for YOURSELF, because until you do, it'll never work.


This I 100% agree with. It's all about SELF worth/value, no one else can give you that.

I love nothing more than the arrogance vs confidence debate, lets have a look at the definitions

Arrogance: having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.

Confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

If they are my own abilities, how can someone say if im arrogant ? That would imply they know my own abilities better than I do?

The truth is people flip flop between the two depending on if they like you or not.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If they are my own abilities, how can someone say if im arrogant ? That would imply they know my own abilities better than I do?

The truth is people flip flop between the two depending on if they like you or not.

I would say it's how YOU feel about your own abilities. How you portray yourself based on those abilities. If you think you are better than others based on those abilities.

There are people I like that I think are arrogant as all get out. There are people I like that have no confidence at all.

 

[sub5male]

That's kind of because she has a point. I don't mean just in relationships, but with anything and everything in life.
If you don't, nothing happens.

In regards to some things the people who do nothing and complain are most definitely at fault but where does that leave the people who have tried and tried yet still have had no results at all? Most people are in denial about the scope of their locus of control (which in actuality is extremely narrow even in the best case scenarios) and attribute their success to hard work and mindset when in reality it is very often just a matter of pure chance and fortune.

 

[user 139760]

In regards to some things the people who do nothing and complain are most definitely at fault but where does that leave the people who have tried and tried yet still have had no results at all? Most people are in denial about the scope of their locus of control (which in actuality is extremely narrow even in the best case scenarios) and attribute their success to hard work and mindset when in reality it is very often just a matter of pure chance and fortune.

I disagree. As Oki stated before, if that were the case, I'd also be without relationship and still a virgin, not a father of two daughters with several relationships under his belt with women if different backgrounds, social status and physical appearances.
Mind you, appearance is very subjective. One man, or woman's toilet paper is another's papyrus.
Regardless of all of that, I see it as action. If you try and try and still have no results, what's the alternative? Not trying anymore? We're social creatures. It's intrisincally linked to our drives and urges and I don't necessarily mean the one to procreate. The need for companionship, for a grouo, for a connection. I don't see how the line of thinking that women are too picky going to help in any respect. I've said and know, numerous times before, that people get way too caught in what garbage socialmedia spews in regards to the sexes, as men and women are much more similar than different. One clear example we oft read about in the news is the rise of prominence of women if power in the workplace. Women's lib of ages past suggested that it would revolutionize the workplace and bring in new ideas. Has it? Not really; female ceo's are just doing the exact same things, some of them as toxic, as their make counterparts do. Because women are more similar than different to men.
Anyways, I did not want to get into a protracted debate. As I said, as a father of two girls, I've heard and seen things that make me view thibgs differently than the average man. I also, in general, we have personal responsibility for our lives and that lack of success, irregardless of circumstances, falls to us first and foremost.
In essence, "try harder". As unfair as it might seem, I don't see another alternative. It's just logic.

 

[TheRealCallie]

In essence, "try harder".

Now see, I disagree with that. It's not about trying HARDER, so many as trying something different. Finding your own way of making things happen. And there's also a difference between trying and...TRYING.
Back when I first came here, I would have said I was trying my damnedest to get out of the hole I was in. Looking back now, I was only half assing it, if that. Back then, minimal effort seemed like trying my hardest, it seemed like I was doing every single thing I could. I wasn't.
But in the end, I stopped making excuses, I stopped putting the blame on other people and I figured it out.

 

[okidoke]

Now see, I disagree with that. It's not about trying HARDER, so many as trying something different. Finding your own way of making things happen. And there's also a difference between trying and...TRYING.
Back when I first came here, I would have said I was trying my damnedest to get out of the hole I was in. Looking back now, I was only half assing it, if that. Back then, minimal effort seemed like trying my hardest, it seemed like I was doing every single thing I could. I wasn't.
But in the end, I stopped making excuses, I stopped putting the blame on other people and I figured it out.

I believe @Richard_39 is encompassing that into his meaning of harder. At least, that’s how I took it.

 

[michael2]

Though, given that I'm apparently "above average" in looks, I'm sure you will all just think it's crap, because there's no way someone like me could ever understand anything.

And it all makes sense now

 

[TheRealCallie]

And it all makes sense now

Yes, it makes so much sense that you just look on the surface. Do you think there's a reason I said APPARENTLY? Of course not, because you saw that I was "good looking" and now I'm just an entitled witch who doesn't know anything. lol

Now here's what you DON'T know. That you won't bother to even consider because it's just crap in the mind of a guy like you. I do NOT think I'm attractive. I spend the middle half of my life truly believing that I was ugly. I have BDD (if you don't know it, look it up), so I will never see myself the way other people see me. Even today, I don't think I'm anything special. On good days, I think I'm average. On bad days, I think I'm below average.

How YOU see yourself is not how OTHERS see you. How someone LOOKS on the surface doesn't mean they don't struggle with some of the same issues. It doesn't mean they don't understand. Which is why I constantly repeat that people who say they are ugly or below average or whatever crap they want to say are likely not.

Get over yourself. If you want something to happen, MAKE it happen. Figure it out instead of constantly repeating all the same crap over and over again on the internet. Go live your damn lives and stop trying to blame everyone else. Go back and reread your OP in the thread because it seems like you've already given up on that.

 

[sub5male]

And it all makes sense now

I think it's important to understand that what one thinks of how they may look to others is irrelevant. What matters is what others think of your looks, specifically the people whom you are attracted to. If a person has low self esteem about their appearance and believe that they are ugly but still get interest & attention from the opposite sex then their beliefs do not align with reality. The same is true when a person has high self esteem about their looks but never gets attention from those they are attracted to.

In the case where a person, despite what they may think about how they look to others, has no interest from the people they are attracted to for years and years, then they are almost certainly objectively physically unattractive to the people they themselves are attracted to. If their unattractiveness is due to something they can change such as weight loss and they choose not to do so, then that is on them. If however the reasons are due to inherent physical characteristics which cannot be changed such as their face and/or height, then there is nothing they can do to improve their situation. It is the fact that sometimes there ARE no viable solutions that people are unwilling to acknowledge because the positivity crowd has been indoctrinated to believe that there is ALWAYS a solution and that failure is ALWAYS due to incorrect thoughts or actions, which is simply untrue.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Oh look at me, dismissing everyone else's issues because they aren't good enough for me and they're just trying to make themselves look worse, but they can never be worse, because OMG, I HAVE THE WORST, NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND, IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT.

Seriously, dude. Just stop. What you post here is just happening in your own head and in the heads of other people like you. You need to realize that other people have issues too. It doesn't matter how someone looks, it matter what their mindset is. You are what you think you are. That is true of ANYONE, not just people who think they are bound and determined to prove to the world that they have it worse.
Like I said, get over yourself. If you want something to happen, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making excuses and FIND A WAY.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I agree with both of you
Callie because theres always new avenues to try and sub5 because he understands his market value is low where he currently resides.

The only thing about confidence is without it you may never know who is actually attracted to you. I have met someone that changed my attraction level to them by how they treated me, there are some none negotiable features they have to have initially I wont lie, but attraction can also build from shared experiences.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'm confident enough in getting work done and being able to help my peers.

I think that's definitely a good start

I agree, and it reminds me of when my mother told me that I should "buy a sports car", implying it would attract women.

I don't know about this. I'm a car guy, so it could be different for me, but I remember when I had my car, even just driving to class and back at normal speeds was fun. It may not have gotten any women interested in me, but it certainly made me feel better about myself. For once, I really did feel a little bit "cool".

If you're not a car person, that's OK, not everyone is into it. But it definitely gave me good feelings.
Maybe the car itself won't get you women, but it might make you feel better about yourself, and THAT might work.