Is it always important to understand "why?"

[EveWasFramed]

Have you ever been in a relationship and some issue came up between the two of you, and even though your partner explained WHY it was an issue, you still just didnt "get" it? Meaning, you simply couldn't fathom why it was such a big deal to them?

Do you think it's more important to understand why they think like they do on the matter, or is it more important to simply understand that it's important to THEM?
Thoughts?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Been through that. I still don't understand some issues I had with my ex. I just caked it off as it was just being who he was. After I knew I'd never get an answer - a real answer - I just left it alone. Few years later, even after he wanted to speak to me again, still don't have any resolutions.

But, I do think it's important to know why. Whether it's a secret or hidden reason or not is up to the person. If the reason isn't told, then I would assume it's something too deep or personal, I guess.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Been through that. I still don't understand some issues I had with my ex. I just caked it off as it was just being who he was. After I knew I'd never get an answer - a real answer - I just left it alone. Few years later, even after he wanted to speak to me again, still don't have any resolutions.

But, I do think it's important to know why. Whether it's a secret or hidden reason or not is up to the person. If the reason isn't told, then I would assume it's something too deep or personal, I guess.

Actually, Nills, I didnt mean the "why" wasn't explained - I meant it wasn't understood.

 

[nerdygirl]

I think that it would really bother me if I didn't understand something, even after it was explained. However, sometimes there might be issues I'll NEVER understand, but that doesn't make them less valid. So it would be more important to me to be aware of the problem... but I wouldn't ever give up on trying to understand!

 

[Masque]

I think to some extent it is important to understand so that you can make good judgment calls, because there's a line between reasonable and unreasonable in a relationship.

I once dated someone who told little white lies all the time simply because it was easier for him, and because he believed I'd be more honest in my responses than if he asked and gave me a chance to lie myself. In cases like that, it's not "just who they are" or "how they communicate", and understanding not only what it is but why it's important and how it works lets you know if it's something you should be expected to deal with and a need you should be expected to meet at all. If someone acted similarly out of fear of confrontation and actually felt some kind of remorse over it, understanding that would allow someone to know that and to decide whether or not they should work on improving communication in the relationship.

 

[EveWasFramed]

OK...let me try to explain this a little more...

What if you DO understand but you don't think it's nearly as big a deal as the other person?

 

[ajdass1]

So it's not that you don't understand the issue, but you can't understand why they attach such a great deal of importance to that issue?

I think for me, I wouldn't need to understand why it's so important to them, if it really is that important. Then I would just go with it. But not if it's hurting me or our relationship, or if their issue is something that's making them demand I need to change myself in an unreasonable way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Been through that. I still don't understand some issues I had with my ex. I just caked it off as it was just being who he was. After I knew I'd never get an answer - a real answer - I just left it alone. Few years later, even after he wanted to speak to me again, still don't have any resolutions.

But, I do think it's important to know why. Whether it's a secret or hidden reason or not is up to the person. If the reason isn't told, then I would assume it's something too deep or personal, I guess.

Actually, Nills, I didnt mean the "why" wasn't explained - I meant it wasn't understood.

Well, even in that case... I still think it's important, even if a person doesn't truly understand. Everyone has their own reasons for doing something or saying something. Whether their partner thinks it's a big deal though, is another issue in itself. Some people fight more over the fact that one didn't think it was a big deal, than over the issue or problem itself.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Do you think it's more important to understand why they think like they do on the matter, or is it more important to simply understand that it's important to THEM?

Totally get you. Understand why when they explained.. but I just don't get it.. can't seem to accept it. I think.. this is where I will then need to take a step back.. and try to see things in their point of view and put myself in their shoes. A lot of times.. I still don't get it.. and I just.. let it go.. or let it continue bugging me in the back of my mind.

Often times though.. the other party.. seems to have a hard time doing the same for my reasons. It can get quite frustrating. :\

What if you DO understand but you don't think it's nearly as big a deal as the other person?

Sometimes.. when this is the case.. I just.. have to come to accept it that it's a big deal to them. I guess that's part of being in a relationship.. you compromise.. give and take.. and support each other.. on things you may or may not believe in.. or see eye to eye with.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Sometimes.. when this is the case.. I just.. have to come to accept it that it's a big deal to them. I guess that's part of being in a relationship.. you compromise.. give and take.. and support each other.. on things you may or may not believe in.. or see eye to eye with.

This is what I'm thinking too. You just have to accept it as being important to them, even if you think it's completely senseless, and I actually have an example. Though it's not a serious issue, I have a thing about loving nearly everything red. From little things to big items, I try to get my hands on red things. Jeremy knows it's my color, and he knows it's my thing, but I don't think he fully understands. He just knows it's my thing. Sometimes, he understands it, but other times... It just makes absolutely no sense to him. He's just accepted the fact that that is just how I am.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

Why? has caused me great pain over the past 18 months.

I have yet to get an answer why my ex treated me so badly for our last 6/7months together. All I got were excuses and very hurtful comments that have wounded me badly.

 

[perfanoff]

Have you ever been in a relationship and some issue came up between the two of you, and even though your partner explained WHY it was an issue, you still just didnt "get" it? Meaning, you simply couldn't fathom why it was such a big deal to them?

Do you think it's more important to understand why they think like they do on the matter, or is it more important to simply understand that it's important to THEM?
Thoughts?

I know what you mean Eve.

Maybe you understand why they feel that way.. but you just can't make yourself relate to it and truly accept it.

I think it's important to really understand.. but sometimes you have to be true to yourself, respect them for being who they are but acknowledge you're different.

For example. I have a friend who has a condescending attitude to women. Sharing very intimate details about his "consort" as he calls her, making a video of having sex with her and showing it around. **** like that. I can understand why he does it, but I can never accept it for myself as a right thing to do, yet it doesn't prevent me from being friends with him. Now in relationship.. where people are partners, there is dependency, and I might be able to compromise on small things but even if I understand or not why she does or wants things that I cannot accept.. I simply couldn't accept them.

 

[Evil_Genius]

I have often been in that issue. Sometimes I discover the source is MUCH more disturbing then ignorance, but then it's something that needs faced, otherwise it's going to manifest in darker ways.

 

[Dissident]

Have you ever been in a relationship and some issue came up between the two of you, and even though your partner explained WHY it was an issue, you still just didnt "get" it? Meaning, you simply couldn't fathom why it was such a big deal to them?

Do you think it's more important to understand why they think like they do on the matter, or is it more important to simply understand that it's important to THEM?
Thoughts?

Constantly. In spite of my issues I am very anti-dramatic in relationships. I am very patient in areas that would drive others insane, but I have a few pet peeves. My girlfriend expects me to retain a complete record of absolutely everything I've done over the course of the day for reiteration upon my arrival home. If I leave out anything from the reiteration but it's brought up again at a later point, I get nagged because I didn't bring it up sooner. Apparently "It wasn't important to tell you about it then" is not a valid answer to her.