A lot of my problems started right before 9th grade my first actual love dumped me and I listened to my family and started dating another girl a little while later and fell for her, and we dated for about a month or so before I get this message that was sent from her. "Mom" saying that she's not supposed to be dating me. So I go on Facebook to message her real quick and I find pictures of her kissing some other guy. After that I started desensitizing myself a little to try and take away some of the pain.
But then around a year later my first love and I got together again around Christmas, and a month later she breaks up with me again to go back to the guy she was dating before even though he verbally abused her. And that hurt me really badly.
Making matters worse was my family when my mom left us (my stepdad and my sisters included) for her boyfriend she came around again a couple of months later and we started visiting her.
Before my mom reappeared though I went through major depression feeling lonely and didn't enjoy anything but sleeping and occasionally scratching myself with my dads house key. So I moved in with my dad when my mom left and his new wife hates me she would scream at me for nothing more than not closing the pantry door! So I fell even further and started wanting to kill myself or go emotionally cold, for almost a year I hated people and crowds and I still sorta do today. But now my ex is back and we went out for exactly a month before she broke up with me again (this was my first love who I'm talking about) so I'm once again starting to hate myself and life.
I want to start going back in with my old friends and get another social life since I lost mine during depression but I don't know how to express my emotions or do anything social so I'm starting to feel down again yet it took me a month before finally registering for this because I hate asking people for help and I just want to know how to refind myself because this new me is violent, aggressive, cold hearted and antisocial I've started going insane trying to figure out what I should do with my life, should I just continue on or should I try to go back to the old me. Because at this point the only thing I can think of is joining the military and hoping for a quick death in combat. I've become the complete and total opposite of what I used to be. I'm rarely ever nice to anyone except my ex she's been my only friend and the only person who's never given me a reason to doubt her. I'm stuck and I'm kinda scared.
P.s. I've always tried to be a gentleman for the girls I dated I was raised how my grandparents were raised, to respect protect and alway be polite to girls. Call me old fashioned.
But then around a year later my first love and I got together again around Christmas, and a month later she breaks up with me again to go back to the guy she was dating before even though he verbally abused her. And that hurt me really badly.
Making matters worse was my family when my mom left us (my stepdad and my sisters included) for her boyfriend she came around again a couple of months later and we started visiting her.
Before my mom reappeared though I went through major depression feeling lonely and didn't enjoy anything but sleeping and occasionally scratching myself with my dads house key. So I moved in with my dad when my mom left and his new wife hates me she would scream at me for nothing more than not closing the pantry door! So I fell even further and started wanting to kill myself or go emotionally cold, for almost a year I hated people and crowds and I still sorta do today. But now my ex is back and we went out for exactly a month before she broke up with me again (this was my first love who I'm talking about) so I'm once again starting to hate myself and life.
I want to start going back in with my old friends and get another social life since I lost mine during depression but I don't know how to express my emotions or do anything social so I'm starting to feel down again yet it took me a month before finally registering for this because I hate asking people for help and I just want to know how to refind myself because this new me is violent, aggressive, cold hearted and antisocial I've started going insane trying to figure out what I should do with my life, should I just continue on or should I try to go back to the old me. Because at this point the only thing I can think of is joining the military and hoping for a quick death in combat. I've become the complete and total opposite of what I used to be. I'm rarely ever nice to anyone except my ex she's been my only friend and the only person who's never given me a reason to doubt her. I'm stuck and I'm kinda scared.
P.s. I've always tried to be a gentleman for the girls I dated I was raised how my grandparents were raised, to respect protect and alway be polite to girls. Call me old fashioned.