I've pushed everyone away

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Stro

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A lot of my problems started right before 9th grade my first actual love dumped me and I listened to my family and started dating another girl a little while later and fell for her, and we dated for about a month or so before I get this message that was sent from her. "Mom" saying that she's not supposed to be dating me. So I go on Facebook to message her real quick and I find pictures of her kissing some other guy. After that I started desensitizing myself a little to try and take away some of the pain.

But then around a year later my first love and I got together again around Christmas, and a month later she breaks up with me again to go back to the guy she was dating before even though he verbally abused her. And that hurt me really badly.

Making matters worse was my family when my mom left us (my stepdad and my sisters included) for her boyfriend she came around again a couple of months later and we started visiting her.

Before my mom reappeared though I went through major depression feeling lonely and didn't enjoy anything but sleeping and occasionally scratching myself with my dads house key. So I moved in with my dad when my mom left and his new wife hates me she would scream at me for nothing more than not closing the pantry door! So I fell even further and started wanting to kill myself or go emotionally cold, for almost a year I hated people and crowds and I still sorta do today. But now my ex is back and we went out for exactly a month before she broke up with me again (this was my first love who I'm talking about) so I'm once again starting to hate myself and life.

I want to start going back in with my old friends and get another social life since I lost mine during depression but I don't know how to express my emotions or do anything social so I'm starting to feel down again yet it took me a month before finally registering for this because I hate asking people for help and I just want to know how to refind myself because this new me is violent, aggressive, cold hearted and antisocial I've started going insane trying to figure out what I should do with my life, should I just continue on or should I try to go back to the old me. Because at this point the only thing I can think of is joining the military and hoping for a quick death in combat. I've become the complete and total opposite of what I used to be. I'm rarely ever nice to anyone except my ex she's been my only friend and the only person who's never given me a reason to doubt her. I'm stuck and I'm kinda scared.

P.s. I've always tried to be a gentleman for the girls I dated I was raised how my grandparents were raised, to respect protect and alway be polite to girls. Call me old fashioned.
 
Seems like you've been through a lot of crap lately. If you want to get back out there then do it, half the battle is the desire and need, once you have that it's just giving yourself that extra little push. You don't seem to like who and where you are right now and since you are having such a hard time you may just need to ask someone for help. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help, it takes a strong person to swallow their pride and ask for help.

As for this first love of yours who keeps coming back in and out of your life, in my opinion she's not worth your time. I'm not saying to just dump her out of your life but maybe just keep her as a friend and that is it. You need to worry about yourself right now and get yourself back on track first.
 
The girl that has dumped you 3 times has never given you reason to doubt her? That doesn't make any sense.
In my opinion you should just forget her completely. She is obviously causing you more pain than she fixes, that isn't a "friend".

The issue with your mom is obviously really messed up, but you have to realize that women are not all like that. You shouldn't accept that from your mom nor your ex. Next time you see her tell her how you feel about her leaving and what it did to you and your sisters. Make her understand. Also try to make her understand that you still love her and just want her to make better decisions in the future. It might be hard, but if you can get through that then you can get through anything.

I doubt your dad's new wife "hates" you, either. Often with things like this it is more often that she probably doesn't know how to deal with someone else's kids and that you also may be doing things, intentionally or unintentionally, that annoy her. Perhaps your own feelings that she 'hates you' causes you to create more conflicts than necessary? Your depression also makes it hard for others to deal with you. It's possible she wants the best for you and is, in her own way, trying to help but doesn't know how to do that because you just generally seemed troubled.
Though I guess I don't know all the issues with you, your dad, and his wife, so you should probably do what you think is best there. I'm sure, deep down, you know the real truth, so try to follow the truth rather than letting depression get in the way with those relationships.

What you can do right now is get back with friends and such like you tried to do before. There is no reason that you can't become social again, you probably just didn't legitimately try. You let the depression win over you. So, forget depression. Forget relationship-problems. Just take each moment as it comes and try to enjoy those moments. Eventually you'll start to realize that you've gotten your life back and that the things that used to bother you don't bother you as much anymore. That you're tougher than before.
Also don't try to 'hook up' with anyone just because you're lonely or think you 'should have a girlfriend', not because anyone tells you. There is no reason for it. You'll know when its time to meet someone when it feels right.
 

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