Jokes

[evanescencefan91]

ya,

tehe

 

[Kristen]

---------------------
one day there was this little girl and her mom in the park. And the little girl noticed some teenagers ****** on a park bench, she asked her mom: "momma, what are they doin?" Her mom said, well dear they are making cake.

The next day they were at the zoo. The little girl saw two monkeys *******, she asked her mom "Do monkeys make cake to?" her momma said, yes dear they do....

well the next morning the little girl asked her momma
"were you and daddy making cake last night?" her mom said, "yes dear, how did you know?"

The little girl said:

"I licked the icing off the couch this morning"

 

[Kristen]

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,

"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do
the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"
she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that
he would climb the ******* walls if you came to visit us
again."

 

[Kristen]

There was a guy on a nude beach sunbathing when all of a sudden a little girl came up to him and pointed at his thing and asked what it was he then responded that's my birdie she gets all happy and asks if she can play with it. He tells her no and covers it with his newspaper and tells her to go away. He soon falls asleep.
He wakes up in extreme pain and faints. When he wakes up again he is in the hospital and everyone is looking at him and shaking their heads he sees the little girl and asks her what happend. she tells him "Well when you went to sleep i decided to play with your birdie, but after a little while he spit at me so i got mad and broke his neck cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire!"

 

[Kristen]

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with
a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has
already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional
liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly,
refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

 

[Kristen]

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read
only the odd numbered lines.

 

[Kristen]

Scuba Diving


A man and his wife went scuba diving together, but after about a half an hour, he couldn't find her. He looked and looked, but to no avail.

Finally a search team was called, but after many hours, they found nothing. The man went home, and a few hours later, two policemen arrived at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my God!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

 

[Kristen]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. "Oops."
2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
3. "Dang it, not again."
4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for
a dog!"
5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to
have to cut it off."
7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?
9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll
have to try how to remember how to do surgery."
10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's
got two of 'em."
13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my
concentration off."
14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise
him."
15. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think
it's about to choke the patient."

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

thanks for the jokes e.m.e.

 

[Kristen]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in
midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

 

[Occipudding]

what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger....

except muscular dystrophy!

 

[Kristen]

a little old lady went in the grocery store and put the most expensive
cat food in her basket,went to check out.the girl said"im sory we cant
sell you this cat food unles yuo prove you have a cat,a lot of older
people are eating it" the old lady gos home gets her cat and gos back
to the store,she got her cat food,.next day she gos back to the store
and gets the most expensive dog food.the same cashier girl told her the
same thing.she goes home gets her dog ,back to the store,got her dog
food.the next day the old lady goes to the store with a box with a hole
in the top.gos to the same girl cashier and tells her to stick her
finger in the hole;the girl says" no there might be a snake in
there."theold lady assured her there was no snake in the box,so the girl
sticks her finger in the hole,puls it out and says"smells like crap" the
old lady says,"now can i have 3 rolls of tolit paper.

 

[Kristen]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[Kristen]

The teacher always gave her
class a stumper question
before ending the day, and
gave the students until the
next morning to come up with
an answer. On this day the
question was: There are 3
crows on a fence, if the
farmer shoots one off how many
are left?
As the class is leaving Jimmy
goes up to the teacher and
tells her, " I already know
that answer." So the teacher
says, "ok Jimmy, what is the
answer?" Jimmy replies, "if
the farmer shoots one crow
from the fence then there are
none on the fence." The
teacher asks Jimmy how he came
up with that answer. Jimmy
says, "well if the farmer
shoots one crow off the fence
then the other two get scared
and fly away." The teacher
says, "well thats not quite
the answer I was looking for
but, I like your way of
thinking.
The next morning Jimmy comes
to class with a stumper
question of his own.
Jimmy askes the teacher,
"there are three ladies
sitting on a bench, one is
eating an apple, another is
licking an ice cream cone, and
the other is sucking on a
sucker. Which one is married?"
he asks.
The teacher thinks for a
moment and says "it must be
the one sucking on a sucker."
Jimmy replies, "nope, its the
one wearing the wedding ring.
But, I like the way you
think!"

 

[Kristen]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are
you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him.
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside
your ******* cat."

 

[Kristen]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday
School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy
seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said,
"Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said,
"Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.

 

[Occipudding]

2 guys are sitting in a bar and one guy says to the other "you know, i could have sex with any woman in here"
the other guy says "yeah, how's that?"
to which he responds, "i'm a rapist"

 

[Kristen]

A blonde and a redhead were walking down the street. They pass a flower shop and the redhead says,"Oh, great." The blonde asks whats the matter and the redhead says her boyfriend is in the shop buying flowers. The blone says, "So." The redhead says that if her boyfriend buys her flowers she will have to have her legs straight up in the air for three days. Then the blonde says, "What, don't you have a vase!"

 

[Occipudding]

A blonde and a redhead were walking down the street. They pass a flower shop and the redhead says,"Oh, great." The blonde asks whats the matter and the redhead says her boyfriend is in the shop buying flowers. The blone says, "So." The redhead says that if her boyfriend buys her flowers she will have to have her legs straight up in the air for three days. Then the blonde says, "What, don't you have a vase!"

lol that was funny

 

[Kristen]

A new perfume

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to
the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays
it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you
think, Tracy"

"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi,
ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again
saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell
like come to you?"