Jokes

[Bluey]

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster

I mean seriously, Would YOU quit drinking?

 

[Bluey]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,




"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

[Bluey]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a
password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has
to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
>P...
>E...
>N...
>I...
>S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

[Minus]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring
hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

 

[Minus]

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"


The fellow says, "Bicycles."

 

[Minus]

Getting old is soooo hard at times. Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch!

 

[Minus]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

 

[Fodderboy]

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[Incognita]

once upon a time there lived a thread "jokes to make u laugh" in an intertainment part...it i think had some bad language there too...so that parot prolly wouldnt have to go in the freezer...or something

 

[Minus]

.....By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[redline]

A Little Chat with God


Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Sure... just a second...

 

[Hijacc]

^ I lold

 

[Minus]

God: Sure... just a second...

 

[Minus]

From an email, for what it is worth, which might not be much


Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

[samba101]

I came up with the idea of a Friendship Web Site, just like dating websites where you can find and make new friends but the only thing is there are totally none to be found.

I'm totally clueless when it comes to making websites and what goes on in the background but I definately think that this could be a lifesaver.

Think about it, wouldn't you be over the moon if you could find one.
Like I only have a few ideas, it seems like an enormous task, feeling so frustated, out of boredom I've searched through many dating websites and see how big the task is, the only thing is would it be viable, I mean like what about those who have friends do they want anymore and could there be a niche for something like this.

If you were on a website like this what would you look for, what would you expect, if it was to cater to everyone.

Just a thought.

 

[Bluey]

Do you mean that we should have a friendship forum here or a dating forum? or both?

We did have a dating discussion here. your welcome to have your say and vote there.

And we already have a Partner,Friends,Penpals forum here.

 

[Minus]

samba101 there are a few friends web sites out there, though not set up exactly like a dating site, more like forums. You could look at them for ideas but it sounds like you may have already tried to find them. I don't know what the policy may be for posting the link to other forums is so i will just say that you can google Friends Circle forum for an example of a friendship site.

 

[Bluey]

You may post any link you like just as long as it don't lead to porn

I know what you mean tho. I have looked for friendship forums that are moor local to me. Not dating ones as I would feel moor comfortable in a friendship forum. But I did not have much luck ether. There all dating ones. And normally if your a guy you have to pay. How sexiest is that?

 

[davechaos]

Friendship sounds like a good one. I would be interested to see what everyone else thinks.

 

[Fodderboy]

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!