Jokes

[finalfantasi]

A blonde and a redhead were walking down the street. They pass a flower shop and the redhead says,"Oh, great." The blonde asks whats the matter and the redhead says her boyfriend is in the shop buying flowers. The blone says, "So." The redhead says that if her boyfriend buys her flowers she will have to have her legs straight up in the air for three days. Then the blonde says, "What, don't you have a vase!"

lol that was funny

wow, yeah that was funny ahahha. :shy:

 

[Kristen]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort
way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for
five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned
about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they
were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you do me a favor ?? Stop throwing the peels out the window?
They're choking my ducks!"

 

[Kristen]

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking!
He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and
squeezed.

Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

[Kristen]

A man wakes up one morning and realizes his penis has turned orange. He visits his doctor who writes a prescription for antibiotics and asks him to return only if the condition does not clear up. A week later the man returns to the doctor, this time his penis is even more orange than before!! The doctor opens his medical book and begins asking the man a series of questions to help find the cause of his orange penis. "Have you been any where near a nuclear power plant" the doctor asks. "No" the man replies. "Have you been around any type of radioactivity" the doctor wants to know. Again "No" the man answers. "Have you been around any type of nuclear waste--think carefully." "No" the man quickly replies. "Think carefully" says the doctor "maybe at work they have some nuclear waste stored and you are unaware of it." "No--that is impossible" says the man "I lost my job 2 weeks ago." "Okay--your schedule has changed so possibly you NOW visit a place during the course of the day where nuclear waste is stored. Tell me everywhere you go from the minute you wake up until you go to bed at night. That will help me diagnose your orange penis." "Well" the man says "since I was fired I really don't leave the house very much--I just sit around all day watching porno movies and eating Cheetohs"

 

[Kristen]

An old gentleman went to the doctor and asked for a prescription for Viagra. "And could you please," he said, "have them cut into four pieces." The doctor replied, "it won't work like that, sir." The old man giggled and said, "Well, I'm 94 years old and I don't care anything about sex anymore, but I need enough to keep me from peeing on my shoes!"

 

[Skorian]

Thanks for the jokes Rebel.

 

[Kristen]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more
children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally
passed on at the age of 95.

The funeral was predictably attended by hundreds. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and
multiply."

In the final remarks of his eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together." Leaning over to
his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied, "I think he means her legs."

 

[Kristen]

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first
to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to
get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was
long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The
fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this
dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

 

[Bluey]

Thanks for the jokes Rebel.

Yes, she is bad lol but funny with it

 

[Occipudding]

a mexican walks into a bar where, behind the bar stands a black man. the mexican walks up to him and says "hey coon! lemme get a drink!" the bartender is a little offended and says "i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call me coon" and so the mexican says "im sorry man, really i am. just lemme have a drink." the bartender serves him and he goes off to enjoy his drink. couple minutes later, he comes back for another and says "hey boot lips, lemme get a drink!" the black dude says "i'd appreciate it if you didn't call me boot lips" and again the mexican is very apologetic and simply asks for a drink. he's served and goes back to enjoy his second round. another few minutes go by and the mexican's back. "hey tar baby, gimme a drink!" so finally, the bartender's fed up and says "how would you like it if i came to wherever you work and started calling you names?" to which the mexican replies "i don't know, let's find out" so the black man steps out from behind the bar and the mexican takes his place. the black man walks out the door, waits a minute or two and walks in and straight up to the bar. "hey *******! give me a drink!" and the ******* says "i'm sorry, we don't serve ******* here"

 

[Kristen]

A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father,
for I have sinned."

The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins,
and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over
the weekend.
The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys
and try to watch your language.

The man replied that he would like to confess as to
why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told
him to continue.
"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my
buddies instead of going to church."

The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On
the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into
the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the
constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When
I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a
lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the
green. However, before I could hit the ball,
a squirrel ran by and grabbed my
ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and
caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when
you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the
green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball
and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ******* putt!!!"

 

[Kristen]

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:


Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee

Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha

Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey

Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitey

 

[Kristen]

A good one from the website PJ posted.

You know you've been programming too long...

When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

 

[Kristen]

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

 

[Kristen]

"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Mail'!

 

[Bluey]

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

lol

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

haha to true

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

owww Nerty

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

owwwww! bad bad LMAO

 

[Fulgrim]

you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

you teach a man to fish and you just lost a customer.

----------------------------------

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-----------------------------------
A man is walking down the street and sees a hooker, he goes up to her and asks her how much $5 wil get him, she says something and they do the deed. the next day the guy comes back to her and says 'you gave me crabs!' with which she responds 'what did you expect for $5? lobster?'

----------------------------

Why is the government like a prostitute?

Your always getting screwed and you have to pay for it!

 

[Minus]

 

[Minus]

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

 

[20years2many]

Oh man I had my mind in the gutter for that priest joke....Bad me!