Losing all Hope

[RealRecognizeReal]

It's been a while since I've been on here. I've been to therapy in which I saw a social worker instead of an actual psychologist and received psychoanalysis therapy which I feel helped temporarily. I can't really recall what my exact diagnosis was but I do remember the person who perform my evaluation telling me I suffered from mild depression and anxiety. I guess I'm back because I just don't know who to open up to and say certain things without being judged or getting the "you'll be ok, brush it off" speech.

Within the past year I've noticed I've become very emotional, more than what is the norm for me. I easily get angered, irritable, and depressed. When I go thru my moods it's like I have no way of letting anything out so I bottle everything inside. I know it isn't healthy, but like I said I have no one to turn to. I feel useless when it comes to everything and like I'm everyone's biggest disappointment. Although I smile and try to put on an act like everything is alright, inside it's a different story. I don't see what my purpose in life is and would rather not exist.

 

[Among the Sleep]

Sometimes just posting on here, or writing like, a diary entry or something can really be helpful, at least it is for me. You gotta let it out one way or the other, it ALWAYS helps, it can definitely be difficult though. I have a hard time talking to people in my personal life about this kind of **** because I know they don't really understand what I'm saying, and people who don't relate to you on that level give you pretty useless advice. All of the "you'll be OK!" stuff is just insulting. Don't have any wise words for you but feel free to PM me if you'd like, I think I'm a pretty good person to vent to, and obviously there's many more on here.

 

[PlayingSolo]

I recently started a journal on my smartphone. Whenever I'm feeling negative, I just start writing anything and everything that comes to mind. I always thought of diaries/journals as somewhat silly, but it actually helps a LOT. The point is to just let all of those thoughts and feelings run free. Try it

 

[Gutted]

I recently started a journal on my smartphone. Whenever I'm feeling negative, I just start writing anything and everything that comes to mind. I always thought of diaries/journals as somewhat silly, but it actually helps a LOT. The point is to just let all of those thoughts and feelings run free. Try it

Writing about stuff is not silly at all from my experience. I've been writing for years. At first it was just on loose paper which I stored in a folder. Then it moved to books. I've filled two now and I have about one hundred loose sheets of writing, if not more. I find that writing for me at least, is a way of venting out bad or good feelings and experiences without the need to tell people. It saves me from needing to confide in people or come across as really unhappy or bad when I am not.

 

[RealRecognizeReal]

I've done the whole journal thing but it only helps with minor stuff. I need some physical way to release. Not only am I depressed I have a lot of stored anger in me.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Hi triple R,

When I read "...a lot of stored anger in me." they very much resonated with me. I used to have severe anger issues and the only way for me to cope was through extreme amounts of physical activity- long hikes, swimming, scrambling up the side of a mountain, lots of vertical mountain biking, etc.

Interestingly enough my anger issues have dissipated- I guess I grew up at some point. Happily, I still do a lot of that physical stuff, pretty much everything I do is a solo activity so there's no waiting for someone, I just go.

Give it a try.

 

[Sinaia2012]

Hey .. I feel for you. But hold onto whatever hope you have, okay? Sometimes, it's all we have.

I completely understand what you mean .. about people shrugging off something that is serious to you. At one point, I was suffering from a rather serious depression. I remember telling someone once, when they asked, "what's wrong?" that I'm depressed, I was told, "Oh come on, you have no reason to be depressed!" They didn't understand that I wasn't saying I was sad about something .. there was something deeply wrong inside. People often feel this need to fix things quickly .. that or they are uncomfortable when confronted with something they don't understand and have no idea how to deal with. It's easier to just say, "You'll be fine" and move on then to stop and say, "Talk to me .. I'm here. I may not be able to help right now but, I can at least listen." Sometimes, that's enough. Sometimes it's enough to get the thoughts out of your head and out into the open. And if there's anger involved, I agree, there needs to be an outlet .. even screaming into a pillow works sometimes.

Please don't take this the wrong way too .. it's not meant as a brush off .. but whatever you're going through, I'm sure you're not the first. Others have gone through it before too and they have come through it and thrived after .. and so will you. It's just a matter of finding your way through .. and the right people to walk beside you through it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ive been able to express my anger towards Renae to Renae.
I dont feel any annomosity towards or feel any anger towards her anymore.

Renae have also been able to express her anger towards me.
She dosnt feel so much anger towards me anymore.
She has every right to feel her anger.
She got physical. It's wasnt the best way to go about it.
I rather have her release her anger towards me than to cut herself or sabatage our relationship.
Getting physical with me isnt something she dose everyday nor the norm.
Yes, ive made it clear Im not her punching bag several times.
Im not make excuses for her/mine behaviors
Im not going to throw the baby out with the bath water.....

Renae and I dont have anger sex.
We however have a very healthy sex life. It mellow both of us out.
A healthy sex life helps lower depression in more ways than one.
It takes me a good 10-15 mins to catch my breath after we have sex.
it like a good physical work out sometimes....

If you're single...it's like a catch 22.

i use to journal lots...in a way this site is kind of like my on line journal.
When I first got clean and sober...Id ride my motocycle to the moutain and just scream and cried my heart out.

Sometimes I'll play some evilist wickage **** on my electric guitar to release pin put energy.
I used to qoek on a demolition crew...I got to dystroyed ****. It felt good...it really really did.
I also used to work at a recycling center. Sometimes I just go out in the yard and break hundreds
to thousands of glass bottles, instead of putting them into a crusher.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I completely understand what you are talking about Real, do you mind if I call you Real or Triple R? It gets so difficult waking up each morning and having to put on that stupid fake face. That "you'll be okay, brush it off" stuff is such crap, especially if you are the type of person who can't just "brush it off". Oh how it would be so nice to be one of those people. It's having actual physical interaction with another person that helps the most, where they can see the pain, frustration, emotion, and hopefully understand it. Writing to someone, talking to them on the phone, or even video just doesn't have that physical connection people need.

 

[Mans]

It's been a while since I've been on here. I've been to therapy in which I saw a social worker instead of an actual psychologist and received psychoanalysis therapy which I feel helped temporarily. I can't really recall what my exact diagnosis was but I do remember the person who perform my evaluation telling me I suffered from mild depression and anxiety. I guess I'm back because I just don't know who to open up to and say certain things without being judged or getting the "you'll be ok, brush it off" speech.

Within the past year I've noticed I've become very emotional, more than what is the norm for me. I easily get angered, irritable, and depressed. When I go thru my moods it's like I have no way of letting anything out so I bottle everything inside. I know it isn't healthy, but like I said I have no one to turn to. I feel useless when it comes to everything and like I'm everyone's biggest disappointment. Although I smile and try to put on an act like everything is alright, inside it's a different story. I don't see what my purpose in life is and would rather not exist.

Your mind is like a stormy sea. How do you want to steer your ship safety in such wavy sea ? In my opinion you are an intelligent woman, I found it out from your explanation as you yourself have diagnosed your problem. However first of all you have to appease the waves which is raised by various thought. I recommend, appease and reduce your thoughts before every operation. You must overcome those thoughts. Also you need an expert guidance on this way to direct you right.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Hmm. Yes this is a huge obstacle. People who do not understand invalidating your pain. If more people acknowledged other people's pain, this having more compassion for others, there would be less shame and guilt and a sense of worthlessness inside the person who is in pain. Instead of being drug down further into depression or despair, the person would feel relief and might start coming out of the darkness, knowing others saw their pain, cared fo them and would listen to them.

Too many people in this day and age are willing to say vapid platitudes and harmful-character bashing statements (lazy, just doesn't want to work, they're self pitiers, drama queens, etc) instead of taking the time to actually listen and care. If people actually listened and cared. Not in a patronizing way or in a way that seeks to "remedy the situation" so it is once again out of sight, then my life would be better. It would be better because then I would feel cared about and so would other people.

When will people come out of the darkness of blind-optimism and shunning others in emotional pain? When will people care? When will people listen and be there for others? When will they stop assuming the person "just wants attention" and are being manipulative? These assumptions are damaging for the person who is in emotional pain. The lock the person up further inside perpetuating a painful sense of isolation and profound unacceptance of themselves by others.

 

[RealRecognizeReal]

@Lonely in BC, I do need to find some physical activity to release my anger. There are times I just want to break or smash things even scream. All of which I can’t do at home or outside.

Sinaia thanks for your words .

@Sci-Fi Yes you can call me Real. It does get tiring having to wake up every morning and put on a mask and perform. If only it were as easy as people make it out to be to just brush things off. But talking to someone physically is better than anything. I don’t have anyone.

 

[Iceman1978]

There are times when I feel as though there is no hope for a better future. Sometimes I have to struggle just to get out of bed in the morning.

 

[Chikid]

For your anger, maybe try exercising? That usually helps me when I'm upset. I don't get upset often though but that does help. I get very disappointed in myself because I find it very hard to meet new people that are my age. I'm a really nice kid. Part of my problem is I care to much about school. I mean I have a 4.0 GPA in college right now and I find myself spending way too much time doing hw and studying as opposed to branching out to people to hangout. That's why I feel like I'm so bad with girls. I just haven't had the experience and with every passing day I feel like it gets worse and worse