"Well...I wish that Indian hadn't gotten killed..."
- Mickey Knox, Natural Born Killers (1994)
Forgive me, I have a sarcastic, cynical and kind of morbid sense of humor.
No, seriously though, I honestly don't put a lot of time into thinking about regrets anymore.
Because I can't do anything to change the past, right a wrong, or bring the dead back to life.
I'm more likely to own the responsibilities and labors of my mistakes than I am to seek forgiveness and feel shame. It isn't that I'm without humility, rather it's that the harboring of and holding on to humility, shame, and guilt has been weaponized against me enough times over for me to not only expect and predict it but also enough times for me to learn how to deweaponize that approach to me kinda like the kid who takes the stick away after the umpteenth time of being poked and is just like: "Stop it. That hurts." So in a weird way, I'm not really here or there, above or below. I'm not really dead, but I'm not really alive, either.
Society doesn't really know what to do with people like me.
I don't lack moral virtue, I just rearranged the blocks of it a bit because I got tired of it being exploited against me.
I admittedly have kind of a Demigod Complex while simultaneously opting for and choosing a forefront of pacifism.
In that I don't like aggression or conflict, because it exhausts me, but because I'm a wildly creative introvert, unmedicated and prone to occasional temporary psychotic breaks, I'm confident at holding my own when cornered.
I would actually have to search my feelings to find regret, which is something I spend such little time within the depths of these days that it ironically and paradoxically would require my cognitive engagement to do so.
I'm just a guy, trying to survive under the conditions of the environment that surrounds me, that's all.