My enemy is myself

[Abstamyous]

Yes sir

 

[TheSkaFish]

No, I did not mean that at all. What I meant was I was amazed that you said what you said to me of all people. But that's ok.

Of course I wish you well. We have no problems...at least none as far as I can tell.

How have you been? Anything new/fun that you've been up to, new interests, anything like that?

 

[BeyondShy]

Yes sir

I can't keep up with you!

I hope you are doing ok and your family is doing well. By the way what does Abstamyous mean?

 

[BeyondShy]

Of course I wish you well. We have no problems...at least none as far as I can tell.

How have you been? Anything new/fun that you've been up to, new interests, anything like that?

You asked me once to make you a photo gallery of classic looking cars. Took me four days and then you blew me off.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You asked me once to make you a photo gallery of classic looking cars. Took me four days and then you blew me off.

I'm sorry. I guess I don't know what happened, or maybe I spazzed out due to things I was dealing with at the time. I had some bad years recently where I went through prolonged periods of unhappiness, and I wasn't feeling talkative.

It was an honest mistake though and I meant you no harm. I'm sorry if you put work into something I didn't see because I wasn't around, or something happened.

I may have also not checked the forum in a while at the time and by the time I got back, the link may have been taken down.

 

[BeyondShy]

Ok. It's not something I think about every day like clockwork. I feel bad about a lot of things too and I won't blame you for it.

 

[BeyondShy]

This new forum format is something to get used to. I got to catch up to all you guys.

 

[BeyondShy]

It's around 12:30 AM as I write this and for some reason I am having a hard time sleeping lately. Oh I know the reason it's just that at this hour I try to forget it or put it out of my mind but I can't.

It was about a week ago when I got the news. I have had some family members get Covid but fortunately it was nothing serious. In this case it was different.

I just found out that someone I knew and cared about passed away from: Covid but besides finding out that she passed away was learning that she passed away back in March. Nobody ever told me because people assume someone else told me. This is how it is when you are far from home. I'm not blaming anyone because it was an honest mistake and no one had anything to gain by keeping this information from me.
The person who died was a girl that I was crazy about and I always was but I never once told her. I hardly had conversations with her because I was scared that I would say something wrong or look stupid. I was very tongue-tied. I don't have a lot of self-confidence but I am also someone who has a lot of pride and I didn't want to look silly or stupid if I tried to talk to her when we were alone or around others. If you think that sounds ridiculous then I have to agree with you.

On Sunday I called her brother because he owns a pizza place and I knew where he would be because I looked up the hours on his website. I told him how sorry I was and he was shocked to find out that I never knew what happened and before I hung up I decided to tell him for the first time how I felt about his sister and why I was so afraid to do anything about it. After I got done saying what I had to say, that is when I got the second shock. He told me his sister already knew how I felt.

Of all the things that I never expected to hear this was right near the top. And now I feel like the biggest failure because of this. I can't help but think how my life would've been had I had the guts to say what was in my heart but instead I was worried about being laughed at. The sad thing is with me not doing anything that is how people will probably look at me.

Why did I come in here to make this post? It's not that I expect any kind of understanding or sympathy from people in here - well I should amend that because that statement is not fair to the people on this forum who have been my friend. But the majority of you who could care less that's okay because I could care less about you. Now I have to really push myself to say what is on my mind because this should've never happened had I only had the courage to say how I felt. The best thing that could've happened was a positive result in the worst thing is that I would have been rejected. That would've hurt but I think it's better to know where I stood. There is a saying that actions have consequences well you can also say that inactions have consequences too.

Now I think I will lay down for a few hours. Please use your mask because I don't want anyone to receive any unwanted surprises.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[BeyondShy]

I'm sorry for your loss

Thank you Jen, that means a lot to me.

 

[BeyondShy]

Thinking it over I am not too pleased with myself for posting what I did early this morning. I don't like being in a vulnerable position in here because I don't know how people will react.

 

[kaetic]

I'm sorry about your friend.

 

[BeyondShy]

Thank you for the kind words about what I shared with you and it really does mean a lot to me. I know I can come across as a very defensive person but basically I am a very defensive person who does not trust a lot of people but when I do trust I will make sure that the other person knows it.

Make no mistake. It was my fault that I never told this person how I felt and even before I found out that she passed away it was one of my biggest regrets. I have been asked many times to try to let people know how I really am instead of what I seem to portray out here and thinking it over I believe that what I told you about me not doing anything to let someone know how I felt explains so much how I am behind this screen name.

I don't mind admitting that I have shed more than a few tears about what has happened and I have to go back to the first four words that I typed in this trend two days after I joined here back in 2015 and that is "my enemy is myself." I really wish I was exaggerating.

I'm sorry but I am not doing so good right now.

 

[BeyondShy]

I got back on Monday and it has taken me this long to go through the threads over the last year. I didn't read all of them because some of them just based on the title of it was something I wouldn't be interested in but then I noticed something. Now I may have missed this but I did not see a topic for the Christmas card exchange this year. There's a very good chance I just missed it.

The Christmas card exchange is something that I have only seen here and it seems like the people who participated it really enjoyed it. Every year I would pop in there and let them know what a good thing they were doing. A lot of times they told me to sign up so I could get cards but I never did. I can't do it now because I am only here once a year right around now and then I go on my way again. But since I am trying to be a bit more open I will explain why I never signed up.

I joined this website in March 2015 and when I first got here the Christmas card exchange of 2014 was still being talked about and I had someone explain to me what it was and I had every intention of signing up for the next Christmas. Well, before the next Christmas came I had a lot of trouble with people that are no longer here. That was one reason I did not sign up. The other was something that was told to me and that is what made me to this day never take part in the card exchange.

This guy was a popular user when he was here and he told me he sent out cards to people one year. He said that he send out cards to everyone that was on the list and in return he did not receive one single card back. I figured that if someone who was as liked as he was and had this happen to him I would have never received a card either. So, I never joined. But to be fair to everyone out there this is only an isolated incident because many people have received and sent out cards and I will always say that this Christmas card exchange has made a lot of people very happy.

 

[BeyondShy]

I like to think kaetic for coming into this thread while I was gone and posting every once in a while. I am guessing it was her way of remembering me. Whatever the reason I do appreciate it although the funny part is the only kind of contact I have with her is when I'm not here.

 

[BeyondShy]

I am really trying to cover everything while I'm here because when I leave I don't want to forget anything. But I first want to say is that I appreciate a lot of the people that are here. We do have some smart people here and if I could see that I believe anyone can. If you can make one good friend wherever you go you are doing okay. So let me just say I don't do okay! Hahahahaha

I'm glad I started this thread six years ago when I joined because I didn't want to go in other threads to post what I have here. I thank you all for coming in here and sharing your opinions. Well most of you anyway. Some posts I can't figure out.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I hope that you all take precautions when you go to your parties and if you think you're taking a chance then don't do it because I have seen the inside of the hospitals around here and I am very fortunate of not being a patient there.

Six years ago I made a thread that blew up in my face because people that are no longer here pretended that they did not see it. I will try to offer it again right now until tomorrow. If anyone would like to see some photos (and before you ask I did not take them) please let me know and you will get a link. I have sports albums also and I believe that will interest no one around here. That's okay! When I get here tomorrow I will take down the offer because I don't want to seem like I am forcing people and I don't want it hanging over my head.

That reminds me has anyone seen Serenia? If you do and I am already gone please say hi

 

[BeyondShy]

Okay I did have my gallery open for anyone who wanted to see it but I received no inquiries. No problem.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Okay I did have my gallery open for anyone who wanted to see it but I received no inquiries. No problem.

Traffic can be slow around that part of the forum, especially when the entire forum itself is slow, like around a holiday time like this. Either people are busy because they are celebrating the holidays with family or friends, or maybe they are alone and not feeling happy, and just not in the mood to do much at the moment.

I know I've said this before but I've gone through times where I haven't felt good and haven't felt like replying to things for a while, just because I couldn't muster the mood and didn't want to talk in a bad state of mind. I know it looks bad, but it's hard to get yourself to do anything when you're not feeling up to it.

Either way, it's most likely not personal at all.

And speaking of holiday season, I hope you're having a Merry Christmas we could certainly all use it after a tough couple of years.

 

[BeyondShy]

Traffic can be slow around that part of the forum, especially when the entire forum itself is slow, like around a holiday time like this. Either people are busy because they are celebrating the holidays with family or friends, or maybe they are alone and not feeling happy, and just not in the mood to do much at the moment.

That I can understand and i have no problem with what you said but you must realize that this is the only time of the year I allow myself to be here and that is something I have to adjust to. I think if I did this let's say in April for example when there is no holiday to celebrate that it would have had more interest. Unfortunately I will not be here in April and will never be.And speaking of holiday season, I hope you're having a Merry Christmas, we could certainly all use it after a tough couple of years.

And speaking of holiday season, I hope you're having a Merry Christmas we could certainly all use it after a tough couple of years.

More importantly I hope you are. I am very tired of all the talk about the virus even though it is done to make us aware and safe and I am tired of the people who still refuse to accept this is real and fight having the vaccination. I just want this to be done.

Either way, it's most likely not personal at all.

I know I said I understood and had no problem with no one asking to see the albums because hey, they are just photos and they are not even mine. All I did was compile them, organize them and try to present them as best as I could. In the grand scheme of things this means absolutely nothing. But come March of 2022 I will have been here seven years. I realize that's not long compared to many others in here but at the same time it's long enough. Wouldn't you agree? And things that have been done to me have been extremely personal along with the intent of rejection and exclusion. Luckily I do not see a lot of these people here anymore. I see some but I've been avoiding them. And no, I don't consider you someone who has done that to me.

 

[Abstamyous]

Perhaps this is the year to move on from all of that. It's done and can't be changed, and you are worth more than feeling the resentments.