My theory on why smart guys struggle with women

[Bones]

Good points and I agree.

In this day and age, it *seems* a lot of people no longer have the ability to agree to disagree and try to compromise and develop a strategic plan for resolving the issue.

What people have to remember is that we all have different personality types, experiences, etc in life and certain strengths and weaknesses - we all have weaknesses.

The problem is that if a majority of people have the same strengths/viewpoints they may gain up on a minority viewpoint in general and not take the time to see what the person is actually trying to convey.

(Just because a majority of people thinks one way, it does not mean it is always correct.)

Which is completely understandable. Everyone is different. We each have our own thoughts and opinions about things. It's perfectly fine. That's what makes the world go 'round. People telling others their ideas, and having a variety of views on things. It's lovely.

But when someone has the inability to understand that not everybody will agree with them, it becomes an issue for them to deal with and they don't want to hear anyone's difference of views. Then for someone to always seemingly want to bicker and squabble with people... It gets tiring, regardless of what anyone's saying.

 

[Mike413]

maybe it was a joke....i'm hoping. :-/

This whole thread must be a joke then. I am not speaking out of my ass. I have done research and know what I am talking about. I also know that women don't give the greatest advice when it comes to how to approach them.

You really do need to go for the gut though. Talking about boring stuff will not do you any good unless the woman happens to already be physically attracted to you. You can attract a woman by what you say and how you carry yourself. Again, no joke here.

 

[SophiaGrace]

3. Smart guys tend to have shallow interests. This is falling into number 1 as well. If all you can talk about is Star Wars and coding, you're going to struggle making friends, and you're going to struggle showing a girl that you're worth chasing.

I was nodding along until I hit this point. Friend, if you are smart, your interests are not shallow. What this is is a very very specific interest in which most people will not share.

Therefore you have a smaller pool of people to choose from that can talk about this with you.

It's an IQ thing.

half of people are 100 IQ or lower,and half are higher than 100 IQ...although the average is going above 100 IQ for a while now, due to unspecified causes.

What i am trying to say is one half of the population of america is dumber than the other half.

so...yeah.

If you're going for the greatest denominator you're going to have to dumb yourself down maybe if you are smart.

Think of it like that, instead of the interests being shallow.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I also know that women don't give the greatest advice when it comes to how to approach them.

You can attract a woman by what you say and how you carry yourself.

'Nuff said.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Why does every single positive thing I write turn into this?

I wouldn't actually call your original post "positive."
Slightly offensive to some, a bit on the sexist side and guaranteed to cause heated debate, yes. Positive, no.
Not even trying to mean here, but what you see as positive isn't really viewed as positive by a lot of members.

Why does every single positive thing I write turn into this?

I wouldn't actually call your original post "positive."
Slightly offensive to some, a bit on the sexist side and guaranteed to cause heated debate, yes. Positive, no.
Not even trying to mean here, but what you see as positive isn't really viewed as positive by a lot of members.

Or positive in general. Your definitions to a lot of things appear to be extremely different than most, Leaning. Not that that's exactly bad, but you know, don't become frustrated when no one seems to understand what you're talking about. I'm honestly starting to really believe that you just say things - and create threads about them - to debate, which tend to fire up arguing and such, and then you sit back and laugh at it.

Oh boy.

Believe me, I hate conflict. I was deemed as the type that would avoid conflict, according to three different therapists, including my current one (who is actually female, before you start on how I hate women and all that garbage.) I actually get really anxious and have panic attacks if I think people dislike me.

What I was trying to come at this thread was from a different angle. Before someone starts another thread that ends up in a gender war, I was trying to analyze the guys who start them. No, it's not just about me. There are a lot of guys out there like this, as Eve had said. It is a problem for many guys, and I was trying to make people recognize this, and try to offer solutions to stop the endless "bad boy/nice guy" threads.

No, I'm not able to offer solutions myself, because I have self esteem issues myself and I am working on them. I feel uncomfortable approaching girls, because I simply am not man enough. I understand that, which is why I opt out of dating women, even before they show interest in me...and some women have shown interest in me before. I don't think I'm good enough.

Which brings me to this post:

This thread was a mistake.
---
I'm just trying to understand why some guys struggle.


What is funny is that the people I described in the OP are the ones who are turning this thread into ********.
----
The thing is, I am also describing myself. If I knew how to solve my own issues, I wouldn't have to pay for therapy sessions.


It's clear that people have trouble accepting the truth.
---
Why does every single positive thing I write turn into this?

My favorite jesuit priest used to joke about teaching truths.

It's never too late to start over from the very beginning. Please, I strongly implore you, take a moment to reconsider your messages. I would really appreciate it if you took a moment of your time to clearly, and plainly, type out the purpose of being here. Type simply, with no necessary explanations, just the simple sentence stating what you came here for.

Are you here to 'teach' truths?
Are you here to grow, learn, and better understand?
Are you here self-describing your own personality?
Are you describing other people, and not yourself?
Are you here to vent about personal experiences?
Are you here to validate your own preconceptions?

I once knew someone who would shout in frustration, "BUT THE TRUTH HURTS!" He thinks of himself as the smartest man in the world. He believes each person is far beneath him. The harsh reality is that he's merely an angry, bitter man who spends each day utilizing denial instead of reason. You claim that this is a positive thread. The only thing I've seen in this thread is negativity. You shared with us a few negative beliefs. You can now do one of two things; you can seek validation of your beliefs and truths. You can attempt to look at things differently from the opinions freely given.

What you do with yourself is entirely up to you. But I will not contribute to validating your negative beliefs. I will be interested in being supportive in other ways. Please be easy on yourself. It isn't necessary to beat yourself up for having interests which aren't exactly mainstream. Not all smart people are socially awkward. Smart people who are socially awkward have ways to grow and learn. People are simply people. Not attractive versus unattractive people. Just people. Generalizing smart people is okay in academia, if your actually a sociologist, but it probably won't ease the hardships of your life. Rumination can be defined as over analyzation. Consider that for a moment...

I'm not trying to ruminate over my own failings. I know I am a failure as a straight man, I get that. There are so many things that have gone right in my life, that I can't say that I'm a total failure, but in the dating and relationship world, I am terrible.

And as someone mentioned, I am an introverted person. I am generally shy and quiet until you get to know me. I am not loud and outspoken like I am on the internet...in fact, people that knew me online first, and then meet me offline, are always surprised. I am not a social butterfly, and I would feel most comfortable dating someone who isn't, as well. Problem is, most women that I am attracted to, are social butterflies.

Which brings me to the list. I can't be picky. Someone who wants to be with me for my personality, my interests, my sense of humor, and my geeky self, probably won't look like Kaley Cuoco. And I need to come to terms with that. The geeks may be in right now, but that is with other geeks....the people who are not geeks, don't date geeks, because they have nothing in common with them.

This is not me stereotyping. This is, straight up, honesty. People who are different than you will not date you. They are too busy looking for people who are like themselves.

I don't see how anybody could have a problem with any of what I have written in this post, but I'm sure someone will.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't see how anybody could have a problem with any of what I have written in this post, but I'm sure someone will.

Actually, that was the most sensible post Ive seen you write today.
LOL, I dont mean that as an insult, I just mean it makes sense.

 

[VanillaCreme]

No, I'm not able to offer solutions myself, because I have self esteem issues myself and I am working on them. I feel uncomfortable approaching girls, because I simply am not man enough. I understand that, which is why I opt out of dating women, even before they show interest in me...and some women have shown interest in me before. I don't think I'm good enough.

If you don't think you're good enough - which I'm sure you are, because no one is perfect - then that's something that can't be solved by analyzing others. Those four original points you posted don't mean much of anything when you simply say, " I feel uncomfortable approaching girls, because I simply am not man enough." That, to me, makes more sense than what was originally said. Guys who do have an issue with females and struggle with them may each have a whole string of reasons why... But when you admit something that's so deep and heart-felt, any other reason you have to toss behind it just sounds like an excuse.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yes, but how does one feel good enough?

And if someone has everything else going for them, they won't lower their standards to date me.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yes, but how does one feel good enough?

And if someone has everything else going for them, they won't lower their standards to date me.

I wouldn't reduce your self worth for standards. I mean, honestly, a lot of people think they'd never fall for a certain type of person, or go for someone because of certain things... And a lot of those people end up with exactly what they thought they'd never go for.

And even if a person wouldn't "lower their standards" as you put it, then someone else will. People who think they're above you just aren't worth your time. So concentrate on you, and concentrate on those who care for you.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

That is good advice. Thanks Vanilla.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Yes, but how does one feel good enough?

And if someone has everything else going for them, they won't lower their standards to date me.

I wouldn't reduce your self worth for standards. I mean, honestly, a lot of people think they'd never fall for a certain type of person, or go for someone because of certain things... And a lot of those people end up with exactly what they thought they'd never go for.

And even if a person wouldn't "lower their standards" as you put it, then someone else will. People who think they're above you just aren't worth your time. So concentrate on you, and concentrate on those who care for you.

So true!!!

 

[defenestrate]

Hang in there LeaningIntoTheMuse. I hope you can learn to value yourself and believe you are worthy. Sometimes people feel unworthy or like a failure. Those feelings are incredibly painful to experience. You've done nothing wrong. You don't deserve to feel low self-esteem and misery. You are not a failure. You deserve to be happy and have a sense of inner-peace. Just like anybody else.


Whenever I feel bummed out by things turning out the wrong way, I remind myself of something comforting.
List of Honest Abe's failures:

1831 - Lost his job
1832 - Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature
1833 - Failed in business
1835 - Sweetheart died
1836 - Had nervous breakdown
1838 - Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
1843 - Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
1846 - Elected to Congress
1848 - Lost re-nomination
1849 - Rejected for land officer position
1854 - Defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1856 - Defeated in run for nomination for Vice President
1858 - Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1860 - Elected President

Sometimes having the strength to stop putting ourselves down is the greatest strength a person can have. You know that your a failure? You are incredibly smart, contemplative, and thoughtful. You are working on yourself and you've made it clear you want a better life for yourself. Those are all very admirable things. When was the last time you just stopped, and told yourself, "Good job. It's impressive to be able to get up try to be happier." Have you ever told yourself this before? Honestly, knowing what little I know, I would hope anyone similar would try to find the strength to compliment themselves. Even if they don't necessarily feel this way at first. Making these negative blanketed statements about yourself like this, is truly something you are unworthy of. You deserve better than this.

You know you are a failure, or you believe it?
Everyone is entitled to have personal thoughts, feelings, and opinions. But to put yourself down, and say to yourself that you -know- you are a failure is incredibly unfair. It's hurtful to even read statements like those. I cannot imagine how hurt you must be to write them yourself. Self-esteem is a tricky thing. If you need help brainstorm little ideas which might help you, please ask.

This is not me stereotyping. This is, straight up, honesty. People who are different than you will not date you. They are too busy looking for people who are like themselves.

Is this another truth?
There are interracial couples, couples with completely opposite body types, spouses who are mixed with shy and outgoing personalities. Sometimes people are picky because they want a relationship to be valuable and successful. And that's okay. Telling yourself that people will not date you is a bit premature. It seems like a rather isolating and blanketed statement. You never know whether or not a person will date you until the moment you finally ask them...

 

[VanillaCreme]

This is not me stereotyping. This is, straight up, honesty. People who are different than you will not date you. They are too busy looking for people who are like themselves.

Is this another truth?
There are interracial couples, couples with completely opposite body types, spouses who are mixed with shy and outgoing personalities. Sometimes people are picky because they want a relationship to be valuable and successful. And that's okay. Telling yourself that people will not date you is a bit premature. It seems like a rather isolating and blanketed statement. You never know whether or not a person will date you until the moment you finally ask them...

I would have to agree. 100% It may not be like this for everyone, but it happens. Me and Jeremy are a classic example of this. We're interracial. We have completely different backgrounds. We were raised differently. Yet, somehow, there's a ribbon in the sky for our love. +10 to whoever knows what song that line is from.

 

[Dissident]

Stevie Wonder won't help you here. Human nature does allow a lot of variation but the gist of what he's suggesting is true. Two people with too little in common rarely get on, and even more rarely are happy forever. Somewhere along the line, there has to be a crossing point. You have to have the important things in common to get past the trivial things.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Stevie Wonder won't help you here. Human nature does allow a lot of variation but the gist of what he's suggesting is true. Two people with too little in common rarely get on, and even more rarely are happy forever. Somewhere along the line, there has to be a crossing point. You have to have the important things in common to get past the trivial things.

+10, Dis! I also would have accepted Boyz II Men's a cappella version as well.

But really, variety and differences is how we have evolved. We learn from others. Grow from others. And to completely dismiss that you could never be with anyone different from you, doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I agree that you should have some things in common, but I'd much rather learn things from someone.

 

[Dissident]

Yes but certain demographic regions stress the importance of certain behavioral traits being the same between two partners. Seventy years ago difference in ethnicity would have been a make-or-break issue regardless of genetic pulls. You would have suppressed your wants for society. There are also certain types of personalities that get along fine and others that don't. I personally know that I ultimately do not get along with Myers-Briggs' S type personalities at all in a relationship (and sometimes even friendship), but for the three other axes of personality I can mostly adapt or live with it. Stuff is complicated.

 

[perfanoff]

the n vs s war is very real yeah.

 

[kamya]

the n vs s war is very real yeah.

what?

[edit- nvm i get it]

 

[VanillaCreme]

Seventy years ago difference in ethnicity would have been a make-or-break issue regardless of genetic pulls. You would have suppressed your wants for society.

Relationships as such were make or break, but someone had to do it. Not everyone sat back and accepted what society told them was fit to do. You can't always sit there and go with what's easier.

 

[Dissident]

Yes but I mean that the people at the time weren't so much fighting back the system to get what they want as much as they were indoctrinated from youth to believe that such a thing was bad for society, at least in the south. Inside they may have felt the desire but would have denied it to themselves because of their raising. There were exceptions, yeah, but this was the general practice.