Not attracted to women my age

[vauxhallastra]

I think there's a big difference between not noticing that others have a crush on you and having such a low self esteem that you think no-one will ever be interested in you... And since I've experienced being with someone who had a pathological and distorted representation of himself when I read such comments I am cautious to give for granted what they say. Since my ex was really cute but he couldn't see it.

He was abused as a child and he developed a disorder that made him perceive himself with a distorted image. He didn't just believe he was ugly but he perceived himself as repulsive which is probably what he felt about his abuser as a child but couldn't process at the time.
But everytime a psychologist told him so he would interrupt the therapy. He has never accepted what happened and so he ended up committing suicide -we were no more together anyway.
At least this is my interpretation, having been with him and knowing him. I think it's quite right but I was not in his head.

Yes. He was the one being married. This probably makes me or him not such good person but if I have to be honest, I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him and I did.

I started making friends growing up.
Or better of course real friends are rare but I started opening up growing older and this helped me finding people to hang out with. Coworkers, college colleagues and so on. I was pathologically shy as a child... Another evidence that sometimes it's just the way you perceive yourself and the way you behave (more confident) that makes the difference

I think you are probably right about your ex-boyfriend. People like to put romantic interpretations on death, but often it is just the simple day to day horror. It is very sad.

I don't know if it is self-esteem but I do feel that nobody should be interested in me - to be honest I feel this with my wife too, I don't think that she is 'in love with me', I think she is kinda 'in love at me', it isn't me that she loves, I think she likes having a husband to do things for her, she tolerates me when I am convenient, but hates me when I'm not. I do feel myself repulsive in that sense, not just ugly but that there is nothing about me that is worth getting to know. This isn't really depression, I think I am just honest with myself.

(My wife is a good person, but she is crazy).

This is also true of making friends - I have some neighbours, a couple who go out and walk their dog, and they seem really lovely people, but I never want to talk to them, because I never want to talk to anyone, because I feel like I will be 'found out'. I talk to people the first time and I find out about them, and if I like them I avoid them even more, because I don't want to inflict myself on them. That sounds harsh written down, but that is the way I feel.

It's not for outside people to judge your relationship, I think it was Louis CK who said 'No marriage ended because the couple were happy.'

 

[Just_another_one]

I think you are probably right about your ex-boyfriend. People like to put romantic interpretations on death, but often it is just the simple day to day horror. It is very sad.

I don't know if it is self-esteem but I do feel that nobody should be interested in me - to be honest I feel this with my wife too, I don't think that she is 'in love with me', I think she is kinda 'in love at me', it isn't me that she loves, I think she likes having a husband to do things for her, she tolerates me when I am convenient, but hates me when I'm not. I do feel myself repulsive in that sense, not just ugly but that there is nothing about me that is worth getting to know. This isn't really depression, I think I am just honest with myself.

(My wife is a good person, but she is crazy).

This is also true of making friends - I have some neighbours, a couple who go out and walk their dog, and they seem really lovely people, but I never want to talk to them, because I never want to talk to anyone, because I feel like I will be 'found out'. I talk to people the first time and I find out about them, and if I like them I avoid them even more, because I don't want to inflict myself on them. That sounds harsh written down, but that is the way I feel.

It's not for outside people to judge your relationship, I think it was Louis CK who said 'No marriage ended because the couple were happy.'

My current partner also often tells me things like that.
"Why are you with me?"
"I don't understand why you are with me"
"You must have hit your head really hard"
And so on.
And he doesn't even notice -or pretend not to notice I don't know- that there are many women (mostly of his age) who looks at him with interest
So it's common. Men are not much confident too, like women.

 

[ardour]

He's very smart and ironic. Well educated. Open minded, caring, kind. We never argue, he never speaks up.
It's not much about his age but attitude. Age has been an initial barrier for both cause as you all said, you never know how the other is gonna react.
I was scared he would have laugh at a 24yo asking him out and he thought I would have told him that he was old and to leave me alone.
But now it's been almost 7 years.
I don't believe in forever so I don't care much about the future, just live the day.
I already have a child and I don't want others.
So it's easier for me.

24 is sort of borderline as to whether someone's mature enough to make that decision, but then I know of one guy at work who married his wife when she was 24 and he 40, another where the gap was 23-38. The important thing here, at least as far as people's judgement is concerned, was that in each case the woman was the initiator.

And that's kinda unlikely for us...

 

[Just_another_one]

24 is sort of borderline as to whether someone's mature enough to make that decision, but then I know of one guy at work who married his wife when she was 24 and he 40, another where the gap was 23-38. The important thing here, at least as far as people's judgement is concerned, was that in each case the woman was the initiator.

And that's kinda unlikely for us...

My father was 17 years older than my mother, and my ex mother in law was 14 years younger than his husband (and she was his student...).
My mother met my father when she was 17 and he was 34, that's ********* (they were not together at the time though). Maybe I'm just used to big age gaps. And maybe it's culturally more accepted here in the South of Europe.
After my father my mother had a relationship with a guy 15 years younger.
My parter' ex wife is now with a guy 10 years younger.
Age in the end becomes less important as you grow older and have an adult life.

But in your first 20s age is still a thing and men -unless they're not very rich and used to young trophy women- fell the uncertainty and maybe also question whether it's right or not to approach a girl of that age. So we have to do the job if we want it

 

[ardour]

Classic case of thinking you can’t have what you want here, which only leads to misery.

You seem to be spending your time in the past, with regret and wishful thinking. The past is gone. Nothing you can do here, nor can anyone. Tell yourself this is a waste of time and I’m not going to do it anymore. From today.

While you’re spending time doing this you are not ‘living in the present’. So this life long pattern repeats, and you carry on wishing things had been different. On it goes. No change. More time wasted.

Comparing others and what you think they may or may not have is also a fools game. Someone elses life, success is ‘never’ how you perceive it to be.

Again, creating more misery but also tearing at your self esteem in the process. Im not this or that, why cant I be him, have what he’s got. Well you cant. You can only be you.

You appear to be taking the view what can a woman do for me, whereas if you took action, took care of yourself, got the life you want, you would become attractive to many, women and men a like. Wishing helps you to avoid taking action here.

This is all currently manifesting in the false belief I’m only attracted to young women. You think this a fact, that also tells you its pointless even trying.

Shift your focus onto what can I do for me, self care, get life how you’d like it to be. Go places you want to see, do things that interest you and for fun. Make yourself happy and content to be you - for you.

Whatever the age of the woman, no one is attracted to someone that needs her life, is a sinking ship. Got to have our own life that is important to you first, a life you feel proud to share. A life you love.

When you have this you are careful about who you choose to share it with. Are protective over it. Your time and relationships are more important to you than anything else and you dont want to spend it with toxic, troubled people that create problems.

This is probably the real truth in why you are having no success here. You only currently attract other people like you, in a similar place, and you dont want a you do you.

The aim is to love freely, be free of your demons so you dont infect others. Can love and accept people for who they are. Which we can only do after we love and accept who we are first.

No one wants to spend time with anyone that can not accept who they are, is critical, judgemental, not good enough. This is what women currently pick up from you. Its most likely that its not these women that are not good enough, it is you that feels not good enough, because when you are honest with yourself, you know you are not, you are not good enough for you, you are not an attractive offer to anyone.

Imagine how many women would stop and talk to you, how many people would want to know you, if in general you were mostly happy and loved being you and the life you have.

This is what makes you attractive, to any age.

Can I assume you might be an older woman offended at this? You're assuming there would be options if only I'd pull my socks up, become a more appealing version of me instead of a drain.

But to assume options exist for other is the perspective of someone who's been through life like that. You have no idea what it's like to watch the best years of your life pass by with no-one interested. Very few women wanted anything to do with me when I was young and in a much happier state, why would they now.

 

[sparkyn98]

^That is accepted and even celebrated. A 21 year old guy can go on any forum and discuss his preference for being manhandled by middle-aged women and he gets a medal for his harmless kink. Empowered older women can brag about dogging it with men just a couple of years out of college like there's no issue at all. However a 40 yo man admitting he still notices (never mind intends to date) 23 year old girls, suddenly he's got a brigade of middle-aged women on his back calling him a predator, borderline ********* and just about everything else.

I have actually found the exact opposite to be true in the small town I am in here. While I know several men my age (50) who are dating/sleeping with/married to women that are half their age, I have yet to introduce my much younger bf without the "cougar" comments.

Obviously, there are situations where sugar momma or daddy are quite apparent. However, what if it's just who you meet and click with sometimes?

To your comment about aging, my friends look my age. I look about 10 or 15 years younger. I would only think it's "creepy" if you were not even giving women your age a chance and actively seeking out younger girls. Biologically, it makes sense. But, as I saw one other poster mention, if you're looking for a relationship, you have to be open to anything happening.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly this man is double my age and I'd marry him tomorrowwwwww, look at himmmmm ughhh
I just wanna time machine soo bad... I wanna be a vikings bloody wifeeee

 

[Colster]

Honestly this man is double my age and I'd marry him tomorrowwwwww, look at himmmmm ughhh
I just wanna time machine soo bad... I wanna be a vikings bloody wifeeee
View attachment 4218

But first you must be a shieldmaiden!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

But first you must be a shieldmaiden!

You obviously dont know me, I'd be the woman that takes him from the shield maiden.. with no remorse

 

[sparkyn98]

Honestly this man is double my age and I'd marry him tomorrowwwwww, look at himmmmm ughhh
I just wanna time machine soo bad... I wanna be a vikings bloody wifeeee
View attachment 4218

I always laugh when I have these same feelings. Like, in reality, they probably didn't have most of their teeth and while their hair was probably braided like this, it was also probably doo-doo smelling since they didn't bathe regularly, etc. I always thought I was meant for Victorian times until I started doing some deep reading and it ruined the day dream for me. LOLOL
Now, when I watch these shows, I think, Yeah, right... ALL Vikings weren't THAT hot! But, of course, I KEEP watching because... you know... the plot and all that... hahahaa

 

[ardour]

I look about 10 or 15 years younger. I would only think it's "creepy" if you were not even giving women your age a chance and actively seeking out younger girls. Biologically, it makes sense. But, as I saw one other poster mention, if you're looking for a relationship, you have to be open to anything happening.

If I were seeking something out (and this is the main reason I'm not) it would have to be with a younger woman. I couldn't manage it with most women my own age, just because of how old people are looking, how uncomfortable that makes me. So yes, creep, pervert, what-have-you; I'll accept those labels, but I still can't go there.

 

[sparkyn98]

If I were seeking something out (and this is the main reason I'm not) it would have to be with a younger woman. I couldn't manage it with most women my own age, just because of how old people are looking, how uncomfortable that makes me. So yes, creep, pervert, what-have-you; I'll accept those labels, but I still can't go there.

My thing was most men my age aren't in to comics and video games and other stuff so I had absolutely NOTHING in common with them. LOL
Looks played a hard second, for sure....

 

[user 139760]

You obviously dont know me, I'd be the woman that takes him from the shield maiden.. with no remorse

Pfff. Can you swing a sword?
I've been looking for a valkyrie to keep my bed warm during the cold nights. Many women THINK they are, but very few are

 

[U-122]

As a socially stunted, now middle-aged guy, this is a problem.

I had to take care of terminally ill parent for years then became a depressed borderline alcoholic for a few more; never got to date, etc. etc. Said all that before.
To sum up I'm mostly not physically attracted to women in my age bracket. They almost look a generation ahead to me.

Am I a creep?

No you're not a creep. It's normal. I also take care of a parent my entire adult life and rarely dated in late teens and 20-30s. I guess i'd still prefer same if i still cared but only for physical attraction. I no longer bother with any age. No experience with alcoholism here so i can't relate to that part.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I always laugh when I have these same feelings. Like, in reality, they probably didn't have most of their teeth and while their hair was probably braided like this, it was also probably doo-doo smelling since they didn't bathe regularly, etc. I always thought I was meant for Victorian times until I started doing some deep reading and it ruined the day dream for me. LOLOL
Now, when I watch these shows, I think, Yeah, right... ALL Vikings weren't THAT hot! But, of course, I KEEP watching because... you know... the plot and all that... hahahaa

Sooo hot, I cant take it... makes me just wanna change my name and learn Slovakian lmao

Pfff. Can you swing a sword?
I've been looking for a valkyrie to keep my bed warm during the cold nights. Many women THINK they are, but very few are

No way... I can just about carry my own handbag

I'd be... the left woman...he left the shield maiden (on the right) for her and she was as delicate as a flower. ugh I'd just share him lol no complaints from me....

 

[Macsimum Myers]

Honestly this man is double my age and I'd marry him tomorrowwwwww, look at himmmmm ughhh
I just wanna time machine soo bad... I wanna be a vikings bloody wifeeee
View attachment 4218

It requires a LOT of group *** and infrequent bathing.

 

[Macsimum Myers]

Pfff. Can you swing a sword?
I've been looking for a valkyrie to keep my bed warm during the cold nights. Many women THINK they are, but very few are

Think that she can handle a Sword.
The BO? I dunno.

 

[Macsimum Myers]

I think you are probably right about your ex-boyfriend. People like to put romantic interpretations on death, but often it is just the simple day to day horror. It is very sad.

I don't know if it is self-esteem but I do feel that nobody should be interested in me - to be honest I feel this with my wife too, I don't think that she is 'in love with me', I think she is kinda 'in love at me', it isn't me that she loves, I think she likes having a husband to do things for her, she tolerates me when I am convenient, but hates me when I'm not. I do feel myself repulsive in that sense, not just ugly but that there is nothing about me that is worth getting to know. This isn't really depression, I think I am just honest with myself.

(My wife is a good person, but she is crazy).

This is also true of making friends - I have some neighbours, a couple who go out and walk their dog, and they seem really lovely people, but I never want to talk to them, because I never want to talk to anyone, because I feel like I will be 'found out'. I talk to people the first time and I find out about them, and if I like them I avoid them even more, because I don't want to inflict myself on them. That sounds harsh written down, but that is the way I feel.

It's not for outside people to judge your relationship, I think it was Louis CK who said 'No marriage ended because the couple were happy.'

As I've grown older so has my attraction to more mature women.
I am not immune to the beauty of younger women, but I find that I don't relate to them other than bonerifically.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You know what, I respect a man that sees the beauty in the connection with someone, oh god... you men on here with ya romance... dont start, you know I cant takeeee ittt

As for being a vikings wife, im willing to put up with raw unmedicated childbirth and no plastic surgeons to be with one lol So... that means.... love conquers all.

 

[ringwood]

It requires a LOT of group *** and infrequent bathing.

Actually, Vikings were surprisingly clean people - they bathed at least once a week and had impeccable grooming habits. In the English court, they were highly sought after as lovers because they smelled inviting and women found their cleaniness irresistible. Can't say I blame them - can you imagine bedding down with someone who hasn't bathed in months?