Not attracted to women my age

[ringwood]

It is conjecture but it’s reasonable to assume someone in their 40s has had exes, if not having been married before. I ended up in a few conversations they mostly initiated, or in a group, and, just as expected, we were at different phases of life. One woman became obnoxious once it was clear I wasn’t interested that way. It’s not as if these woman were unattractive exactly, but there wasn’t any of the “ butterflies” type attraction going on either. It felt more awkward than anything, I left feeling worse than before.

Yes, I suppose it’s reasonable to assume that someone in their 40’s has exes, but again, not necessarily. I know a few people in my own (very small) circles who are in their late 30’s/40’s and have never been in a relationship - some of them just haven’t met the right person, some don’t care to, some struggle with various issues. Seems to me that reaching middle-age, having never experienced a committed relationship, isn’t all that uncommon these days.

Anyway, gotta give you kudos for at least giving the whole singles meet-up thing a go. Like you, I imagine I’d find the experience awkward as heck, but at least it’s a start. As to the attraction and ‘butterflies’ feeling - yeah, I get it. . . an instant attraction to someone is appealing, but don’t let that lack of feeling dissaude you from trying to get to know someone. Personality, little quirks, a great sense of humour, shared interests, a quick wit, etc, etc - it’s all the little individual traits that make up a person that can quickly change a ho-hum first impression to “Holy ****! This woman is a goddess!”

 

[user 188685]

You're attracted to what you are attracted to. As long as they are of legal age, I don't really see a problem with it. There's nothing creepy about that.

I agree

 

[ardour]

But what if more 40 year olds showed more interest in you than 20 something year olds ... You did say those women were not unattractive, right? what I'm trying to say is, if the 20 year old's are not interested you and you never find one who is - are you unwilling to settle with an attractive 40 yr old even if you don't get "butterflies"? or be alone the rest of your life because of your pickiness towards age?
genuine question - not trying to attack you ... I find your topics generate the most interesting q&a's

I mean I wasn't repulsed, and I'm sure some men in their 50s would be interested. but it still felt a little like looking at an older generation even though they were only a few years older. Obviously we wouldn't be having kids either. I would have thought 30 was in bounds of socially acceptable but apparently anything more than 5 years younger is considered "predatory" these days. I don't see much choice other than to remain alone now.

 

[Rohini]

but apparently anything more than 5 years younger is considered "predatory" these days.

Says who?
As long as said person is of age/legal and it's consensual.... There is no issue..

 

[TheSkaFish]

I would have thought 30 was in bounds of socially acceptable but apparently anything more than 5 years younger is considered "predatory" these days. I don't see much choice other than to remain alone now.

Not to completely discount what you're saying, but I feel like you might be too worried about what is and isn't "socially acceptable". It's not as if you are trying to do something illegal. People are going to hate anyway, no matter what any of us do. Someone will always have a problem, and a lot of those problems are made-up. Some people will just be determined to have a problem with you, and if they don't have a reason, they will work backwards from just wanting to have a problem with you, to inventing some reason to justify it.

Plus I'd say 30 is still about the same level of maturity. It seems to kind of level off once we get out of our growing-up years, you know? Like, late 20s to me, isn't that much different than 30s, and so on - NOT like how college students are way different than high school students. THAT might be weird. But that's not what you're trying to do anyway. So I think you're fine.

Don't stress yourself out or make yourself unhappy, thinking that you have to appease or justify yourself to the haters, who are more than likely just going to look for, or make up, reasons to hate anyway.

 

[Unsigned]

The thing with the couple in your example is they paired up when they were young and aged together. That’s a far cry from waiting until middle age to start dating.

I’m not sure how to choose not to be superficial over this, and I have tried: gone to singles meetups where there were mainly older age groups present, divorcees probably. And while some of them seemed nice enough as people, as far as the sexual attraction side of it went, well there wasn't much. And I couldn’t help feeling angry at some of these women, smiling, expecting me to come over and chat them up I guess. They have already had their lives – men having shown up for them for decades, but I’ve missed mine, and now I’m expected to turn up for them in their 40s and 50s, someone who they wouldn’t even have spoken to when we were in our twenties. It’s ‘my turn’ and I should be grateful having finally been given a chance when we’re old and unable to have children. I don't think it's a simple matter of bypassing decades of psychological development and choosing to settle for something like that.

Your earlier years seem very similar to mine.
I was always an outcast in grade school and high school (the skinny weakling who gets picked on) and never had a girlfriend or even a date. When I was a 19 y/o junior in college I started picking up hookers in Manhattan on Saturday night. This was in the 80s and there were hundreds if not over a thousand girls out there, and lots of them were very attractive. When I started making more money in my late 20s I moved on to upscale escort services and have been doing that ever since. Almost 38 years I have been doing this. There is no way I could ever be with a female anywhere near my own age. Even 30 is too old for me. But yeah, it's been a lonely, empty life. Really do wish I could have done things differently. I'll die alone, but still, no way I could ever see myself with a middle aged woman.

 

[ardour]

Your earlier years seem very similar to mine.

Not quite. I was an outcast and a loser as a teen, yea, but dating wasn't an option while my mother was going through chemotherapy.

 

[Unsigned]

Not quite. I was an outcast and a loser as a teen, yea, but dating wasn't an option while my mother was going through chemotherapy.

My condolences on your mother.
I meant only to convey that early experiences in life will have downstream ramifications.
And also that I 100% have the same thoughts as you regarding "appropriately aged" females.

 

[hundal]

I don't find it to be creepy either.

 

[Cobra316]

Well I think most people would judge me if I tried to ask out 22 year old's, so we're talking a narrow age band where I can still see the person as a partner but not young to the point of being socially unacceptable. And without the luxury of time either. Pretty soon what hair I have will turn grey, I'll look like an old man and be treated accordingly.

Basically I'm having to learn at 40+ what should have been learnt at school or university, while still pretending be interested in people up to my age so as not to raise suspicions. All I really want is to be in my 20s again but that can't happen.

This should be a cautionary tale to younger 'forever alone' type guys who mope around thinking they have endless time. One day you'll look around and realize it really is over.

Who cares if other people judge you? I just turned 41 today and I wish I found women my own age attractive, but typically I don't. You can't help who you're attracted to. If you find a woman in her 20's and you dig her and she digs you, let everyone else talk crap. None of them matter.

 

[okidoke]

Who cares if other people judge you? I just turned 41 today and I wish I found women my own age attractive, but typically I don't. You can't help who you're attracted to. If you find a woman in her 20's and you dig her and she digs you, let everyone else talk crap. None of them matter.

Firstly, welcome and happy birthday

Secondly, you’re mostly correct, although sometimes other people do matter because unfortunately they can impact your job and social standing.

 

[ardour]

Who cares if other people judge you? I just turned 41 today and I wish I found women my own age attractive, but typically I don't. You can't help who you're attracted to. If you find a woman in her 20's and you dig her and she digs you, let everyone else talk crap. None of them matter.

What's the point anyway, dating someone younger is just an old man cope for a life that didn't happen. It won't put me back in my 20s. On top of that, the women I've encountered so far who were into much older guys have had issues (issues I don't want anything to do with and couldn't cope with anyway due to inexperience).

 

[Unsigned]

What's the point anyway, dating someone younger is just an old man cope for a life that didn't happen. It won't put me back in my 20s. On top of that, the women I've encountered so far who were into much older guy have had issues ( issues I don't want anything to do with and couldn't cope with anyway due to inexperience).

Here's my take on it.

1) Is it "real"? Meaning, is she dedicating herself to me mind body and soul? Of course not!

2) What is my alternative? Dating a 45 y/o (12 years younger that me btw!) Brontosaurus Rex and dreading going to bed with her, perhaps having to take Viagra or Cialis just to complete the deed? Unacceptable!!! I'd rather take a header off the George Washington Bridge!

3) Paying to be with the hot young girls I should have gotten back in college and in my mid 20s? Not optimal...but acceptable. Allows me to function at my job and be a contributing member of society. Are they "into me"? NO! Do I care? Meh...not really. Sure, I would love to be living a George Clooney life. But mine is still better than some guy who is married to a 55 y/o Rosie O'Donnell lookalike.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

What's the point anyway, dating someone younger is just an old man cope for a life that didn't happen. It won't put me back in my 20s. On top of that, the women I've encountered so far who were into much older guys have had issues (issues I don't want anything to do with and couldn't cope with anyway due to inexperience).

The point, is to make sure you live a little, before you die. We're all trying to do that, without causing too much trouble for anyone else, hopefully.

Life is too short for the illogical delusions of despair and cynicism. Some times you just have to do a hand stand, jump up, do a cartwheel, say some weird ****, and dance (even if it's by yourself).

 

[ardour]

The point, is to make sure you live a little, before you die. We're all trying to do that, without causing too much trouble for anyone else, hopefully.

Life is too short for the illogical delusions of despair and cynicism. Some times you just have to do a hand stand, jump up, do a cartwheel, say some weird honeysuckle, and dance (even if it's by yourself).

I'll respond to the pre edited comment.

Pairing up with much older high status men would have been a matter of survival not desire.

And this is not life. Majority of people my age – if they go out at all – are mid-life drunks who don’t do anything except guzzle down booze at some depressing drinking hole for oldies. Take it up with them. I’ve made the effort and come away frustrated, angry and more despairing. Life is past tense in every way that matters. If there were plenty of healthy, vital people my age willing to try new things with new people I'd think differently, but there aren't.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'll respond to the pre edited comment.

Pairing up with much older high status men would have been a matter of survival not desire.

And this is not life. Majority of people my age – if they go out at all – are mid-life drunks who don’t do anything except guzzle down booze at some depressing drinking hole for oldies. Take it up with them. I’ve made the effort and come away frustrated, angry and more despairing. Life is past tense in every way that matters. If there were plenty of healthy, vital people my age willing to try new things with new people I'd think differently, but there aren't.

"mid life drunks?"

I know drunks who would be appalled by such language. There are all kinds of drunks. I've known some pretty awesome ones. Kind, lively, and full of LIFE, and MUCH older than you.

It's bitter and arrogant language ardour. And I'm calling you out on it. Reply to my pre-edit if you want. I have very nearly zero skin in the game. It's painful, to watch some one, with opportunity, and prospects in life, waste it by being so cheeky.

Be mad at me if you want. That kind of cynicism is cancerous man, it's absurd.

"Pairing up with high status men would have been a matter of survival." Yeah, except women still often prefer older men today. So that's obvious bullcarp.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'll respond to the pre edited comment.

Pairing up with much older high status men would have been a matter of survival not desire.

And this is not life. Majority of people my age – if they go out at all – are mid-life drunks who don’t do anything except guzzle down booze at some depressing drinking hole for oldies. Take it up with them. I’ve made the effort and come away frustrated, angry and more despairing. Life is past tense in every way that matters. If there were plenty of healthy, vital people my age willing to try new things with new people I'd think differently, but there aren't.

I kinda feel you about not having lived, and my life starting to turn into the past tense without me having lived it first. I spent so much of my life in fear, anger, confusion, my mind twisting itself into knots. Lately I feel like I've been seeing clearly for the first time in years, but that's another story. The trouble is I don't know what I would have done differently, other than NOT fall into paranoia, peak oil bs, letting my anger at the upper class get the better of me and take over my life and cut off my nose to spite my face / just completely lose the plot, more anger at both rich kids/dudebros, and "bad boys", and have bad crushes on "the hot girls" regardless of compatibility. I lost a lot of my life in that nonsense. But to do things differently, would hinge on me actually being able to get good at something, to achieve - which ultimately, is the core of my issues.

I know it probably isn't much consolation with me being an ocean away and all, but if I was there, I would go hiking with you. It sounds cool actually. I follow National Geographic Adventure on Facebook and they have some pretty exciting-looking activities by you.

I'm not sure what more I can say, except that I hear you, and I feel like there's just got to be some woman down there who likes the same stuff as you and wants to do the things you want to do, and is someone you can get along with.

 

[ardour]

"mid life drunks?"

I know drunks who would be appalled by such language. There are all kinds of drunks. I've known some pretty awesome ones. Kind, lively, and full of LIFE, and MUCH older than you.

It's bitter and arrogant language ardour. And I'm calling you out on it. Reply to my pre-edit if you want. I have very nearly zero skin in the game. It's painful, to watch some one, with opportunity, and prospects in life, waste it by being so cheeky.

Be mad at me if you want. That kind of cynicism is cancerous man, it's absurd.

"Pairing up with high status men would have been a matter of survival." Yeah, except women still often prefer older men today. So that's obvious bullcarp.

Maybe an anecdote to give you the picture. A couple of years back I was involved in arranging a surprise birthday event for a friend turning 40. Well his old school friends turned up, but nobody else did. He’d been drinking with some of these people for years but they couldn’t be bothered with a 20 minute bus ride to another bar. I was disgusted and never went back there after that.

I have no problem saying what I think about it. Those people are worthless half-arse drunken slobs. Physical activity… what’s that? Spontaneity? Effort for other people? No thanks.

Drinking isn't fun now or a way into a social circle, it's just a form of self-medication for unaddressed depression

If it’s arrogant so be it. I've never felt worse than in the presence of my current peer group.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Maybe an anecdote to give you the picture. A couple of years back I was involved in arranging a surprise birthday event for a friend turning 40. Well his old school friends turned up, but nobody else did. He’d been drinking with some of these people for years but they couldn’t be bothered with a 20 minute bus ride to another bar. I was disgusted and never went back there after that.

I have no problem saying what I think - they worthless half-arse drunken slobs, who look 10-20 years older than they are, with all the correlating health issues that come with that. Physical activity… what’s that? Spontaneity? Effort for other people? No thanks, too much bother.

Drinking isn't fun now, it's just a way to self-medicate unaddressed depression

If it’s arrogant so be it, but it’s totally warranted imo. I've never felt worse than in the presence of my current peer group.

Well, perhaps I don't have the toolset, and the knowledge to be helpful, despite wanting to be.

The best intentions pave the road to hell.

So, thnx for your understanding on that front.

If I lived in your area, I'd probably take you up on some outings myself.

 

[okidoke]

2) What is my alternative? Dating a 45 y/o (12 years younger that me btw!) Brontosaurus Rex and dreading going to bed with her, perhaps having to take Viagra or Cialis just to complete the deed? Unacceptable!!! .....

Jaysus dude, maybe widen your circle of women you know, because I know plenty of women who are in that age bracket and older who aren't no "brontosaurus rex" (i don't think that's an actual dinosaur btw) and would be very worthy of my sexual desire, and I have some standards (which I have lowered a few times i do admit). You're very harsh I think.