S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I wasn't going to post this because I was afraid that someone I loved would see this, but I want to finish:
So, The next semester I spend it at a local college while living at home. I got my GPA back up to a 3.5 and got on the dean's list.
I didn't make any friends there.
Mike and I talked rarely.
I got a call from his brother a few months into this semester. Mike had died in an accident after I had told him the night before that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. I blamed myself at first for his death.
His death didn't affect me immediately, i made it through that semester and part of the summer (getting an A in my first summer class) before I broke down in august of 2008 during an english class while writing a paper for it. I didn't pass that class.
I started thinking about suicide all the time. I went on an anti depressant.
I met a girl online, and by october I had fallen in love with her. I never thought that would happen to me, falling in love with a girl, because, I had an extensive history with guys, but she helped ease the pain of mike's death, and I think part of the love I had for mike transferred onto how I felt about her.
Everyone always says that your first love is one you will never forget, so, the fact that my feelings for my first love were transferred in a way, kind of means that any feelings she gave to me, were magnified in an unique way.
I remember coming to ALL during this time. I think I remember coming, on a night I was crying and a night where I felt especially alone.
It was in december of 2008. This account isn't my first. It's my third.
I remember writing several suicide notes during that time and then burning them. I remember going out to my dock after it had rained a lot, and the water was lapping over the sides of the dock, onto the top of it. and i just stood there, in the middle of the night, crying and thinking about killing myself.
One night my mom's boyfriend told me I was a bitch with no friends, so i went to my room and got drunk, started at my antidepressant bottle, considering overdosing. I managed to convince myself to just go to bed because it was a short-death.
One day I went to class drunk. There were days when i would be walking to class and everything seemed to be whirling around in slow motion.
I made a few friends that semester despite that.
One was named Hannah. She wasn't really my friend. She just used me to fulfill her narcissism and never spoke to me again after i left that college.
Another was named Abigail. She was the nervous sort, sweet, loved 1940's black and white films and swooned over guys she liked. She didn't really talk to me much after we stopped having class together.
Kayleigh was a friend I made in youth group there. She was the longest lasting friend out of the three. I never really got close to her but she invited me to a youth group this past summer, and was a special education major, who liked me to teach her signs. So that was nice.
I got a 2.5 gpa that semester. Not my worst. Not my best.
Every semester I would not want to go back to college. I hated it. I cried. I felt anxiety. I couldn't do my work, but I went back again for my spring semester of 2009. I was 20 years old then.
I was pulling a C average.
You know the girl I loved online? She turned out to be a guy. This hurt me more than anything in the world. After this i stopped caring about people I met online or offline very much and this feeling continues to this day. It was such a sense of betrayal *shakes head*
When I told my psychologist about this person, they told me the person sounded as though they had some anti social qualities. I didn't want to believe this about them, not after I had cared for them so deeply. It hurt.
I was going to school with greasy hair, hiding it with a beanie. I slept on the floor of my room.
Things were bad.
I took a summer course, i failed it because I couldn't get myself to do the paper.
Then I transferred to my current college thinking it would make things better. It didn't.
I barely passed my first semester there. My second was much better, but due to a glitch.
I didn't really make any friends there.
I had a boyfriend for a month, and we did sexual stuff in his dorm room. He never took me out on a date and I ended up becoming enraged at him because all he wanted was sexual stuff. I think i really wanted for him to take me on a date and not make me feel like...i was just for sexual stuff.
Then there was this lesbian that was interested in me, but i wasn't interested in her, too old to take home to my family and not be embarassed. So i didn't pursue it.
I remember once, actually getting on a metro train that semester, planning to go to a hardware store to get some rope to hang myself with. I ended up convincing myself to go buy a book on depression instead.
By the end of that semester I thought it was time that I did something. Obviously continuing going to college wasn't making me feel any better. I felt horrible and my self esteem had never been lower. So I decided to take a Leave of Absence for a year. I got all the paperwork signed, and once spring semester ended, my Leave of Absence began.
So, my leave of absence,
It lasted a little over a year. During which I got on an anti depressant ( a different one) and regulated my sleep schedule. I volunteered at two places to try to boost my resume. I saw a psychologist once a week.
I finally felt the depression lift, which had been dragging me under. It lifted slowly, oh so very slowly, it took months for me to feel better.
People didn't understand why I wanted a Leave of Absence and I didn't talk about it with many people because I felt like they would make fun of me and not understand.
Now I am back at college. I am anxious and afraid for my future. It is now that I know whether or not the things I've done this past year have been worth it, and have worked.
So, The next semester I spend it at a local college while living at home. I got my GPA back up to a 3.5 and got on the dean's list.
I didn't make any friends there.
Mike and I talked rarely.
I got a call from his brother a few months into this semester. Mike had died in an accident after I had told him the night before that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. I blamed myself at first for his death.
His death didn't affect me immediately, i made it through that semester and part of the summer (getting an A in my first summer class) before I broke down in august of 2008 during an english class while writing a paper for it. I didn't pass that class.
I started thinking about suicide all the time. I went on an anti depressant.
I met a girl online, and by october I had fallen in love with her. I never thought that would happen to me, falling in love with a girl, because, I had an extensive history with guys, but she helped ease the pain of mike's death, and I think part of the love I had for mike transferred onto how I felt about her.
Everyone always says that your first love is one you will never forget, so, the fact that my feelings for my first love were transferred in a way, kind of means that any feelings she gave to me, were magnified in an unique way.
I remember coming to ALL during this time. I think I remember coming, on a night I was crying and a night where I felt especially alone.
It was in december of 2008. This account isn't my first. It's my third.
I remember writing several suicide notes during that time and then burning them. I remember going out to my dock after it had rained a lot, and the water was lapping over the sides of the dock, onto the top of it. and i just stood there, in the middle of the night, crying and thinking about killing myself.
One night my mom's boyfriend told me I was a bitch with no friends, so i went to my room and got drunk, started at my antidepressant bottle, considering overdosing. I managed to convince myself to just go to bed because it was a short-death.
One day I went to class drunk. There were days when i would be walking to class and everything seemed to be whirling around in slow motion.
I made a few friends that semester despite that.
One was named Hannah. She wasn't really my friend. She just used me to fulfill her narcissism and never spoke to me again after i left that college.
Another was named Abigail. She was the nervous sort, sweet, loved 1940's black and white films and swooned over guys she liked. She didn't really talk to me much after we stopped having class together.
Kayleigh was a friend I made in youth group there. She was the longest lasting friend out of the three. I never really got close to her but she invited me to a youth group this past summer, and was a special education major, who liked me to teach her signs. So that was nice.
I got a 2.5 gpa that semester. Not my worst. Not my best.
Every semester I would not want to go back to college. I hated it. I cried. I felt anxiety. I couldn't do my work, but I went back again for my spring semester of 2009. I was 20 years old then.
I was pulling a C average.
You know the girl I loved online? She turned out to be a guy. This hurt me more than anything in the world. After this i stopped caring about people I met online or offline very much and this feeling continues to this day. It was such a sense of betrayal *shakes head*
When I told my psychologist about this person, they told me the person sounded as though they had some anti social qualities. I didn't want to believe this about them, not after I had cared for them so deeply. It hurt.
I was going to school with greasy hair, hiding it with a beanie. I slept on the floor of my room.
Things were bad.
I took a summer course, i failed it because I couldn't get myself to do the paper.
Then I transferred to my current college thinking it would make things better. It didn't.
I barely passed my first semester there. My second was much better, but due to a glitch.
I didn't really make any friends there.
I had a boyfriend for a month, and we did sexual stuff in his dorm room. He never took me out on a date and I ended up becoming enraged at him because all he wanted was sexual stuff. I think i really wanted for him to take me on a date and not make me feel like...i was just for sexual stuff.
Then there was this lesbian that was interested in me, but i wasn't interested in her, too old to take home to my family and not be embarassed. So i didn't pursue it.
I remember once, actually getting on a metro train that semester, planning to go to a hardware store to get some rope to hang myself with. I ended up convincing myself to go buy a book on depression instead.
By the end of that semester I thought it was time that I did something. Obviously continuing going to college wasn't making me feel any better. I felt horrible and my self esteem had never been lower. So I decided to take a Leave of Absence for a year. I got all the paperwork signed, and once spring semester ended, my Leave of Absence began.
So, my leave of absence,
It lasted a little over a year. During which I got on an anti depressant ( a different one) and regulated my sleep schedule. I volunteered at two places to try to boost my resume. I saw a psychologist once a week.
I finally felt the depression lift, which had been dragging me under. It lifted slowly, oh so very slowly, it took months for me to feel better.
People didn't understand why I wanted a Leave of Absence and I didn't talk about it with many people because I felt like they would make fun of me and not understand.
Now I am back at college. I am anxious and afraid for my future. It is now that I know whether or not the things I've done this past year have been worth it, and have worked.
