The Confession Booth

[Claudia1794]

I had 3 really bad days in which I acted out physically and perhaps a little violently. I feel so much better but now I have to start over.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Now we are all gonna want to know what you really came here for!

I don't remember now.
It was late, I was tired.
Who cares? Burritos!

 

[user 190648]

I could say numerous things here, I guess... and surprisingly many of them I see said by other people. A pleasant surprise, I mean.

Yet, I will simply put the main one of my things -- the one that shocked my own self too.

Several months ago, I was completely able to physically kill the person who destroyed me to my breakdown. I was completely able to do it, if he was in front of me and I had a knife, I would have stabbed him to death, before to manage to stop myself.

You have to know me so to know how FAR this is from who I really am, as a person, philosophy etc. I'm a decisively good person. I do believe that to be good is important. Not passive or immature or obedient -- "good" means Good. Yet, this person harmed me in many ways and he KNEW what he was doing. He KNEW what he was doing -- but was totally careless about what he causes to me and if I will be able to recover.

To kill the killer, was my thought at the moments when I was imaging how I stab him. To kill the killer, to see him seeing the death in front of him -- in the way HE made me see MINE.

This "crime out of passion" thing is a real thing, you know. Just, the name is incorrect. It is not the passion that you had for the person. It is about the kind of wound that they have given to you. It is when the wound is DIRTY. Bc, it simply makes difference -- if the would is clean or dirty.

I don't know if someone will read this, but I'm pretty glad that I shared it. I even feel the desire to share the whole story, somewhere in the forum. Why not?? After all, sharing stories is one of the things we are here for. Exposing your pain is ALWAYS the first step towards healing. And when someone has strove to deprive us from this step, ... well, that someone is a real trash, isn't it so.

My best wishes to everyone.

 

[okidoke]

Oh man, today I lost my sh*t, privately, in my car. I hopped back into my car after visiting the hardware store, and somehow my phone slipped from my hand into the gap between the seat and the centre console, which doesn't sound too bad, right, but the more I tried to pry it out, the deeper and tighter it became embedded, into the dirty crevice, (I was in my ute, pickup for you yanks), where there was angry edges that could scratch or even break my screen or camera lens, and I was going nuts. Screaming like some poncy git as my fingertips couldn't gain purchase on the edges of my phone, which isn't cheap. For almost ten minutes I was frustratingly tested to my limits, thinking I'd blow a fuse in my brain, when I suddenly managed to dislodge it to its freedom. I just looked upwards and asked "WTF was that all about?!" Thankfully I didn't let anyone see my spastic performance.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Oh man, today I lost my sh*t, privately, in my car. I hopped back into my car after visiting the hardware store, and somehow my phone slipped from my hand into the gap between the seat and the centre console, which doesn't sound too bad, right, but the more I tried to pry it out, the deeper and tighter it became embedded, into the dirty crevice, (I was in my ute, pickup for you yanks), where there was angry edges that could scratch or even break my screen or camera lens, and I was going nuts. Screaming like some poncy git as my fingertips couldn't gain purchase on the edges of my phone, which isn't cheap. For almost ten minutes I was frustratingly tested to my limits, thinking I'd blow a fuse in my brain, when I suddenly managed to dislodge it to its freedom. I just looked upwards and asked "WTF was that all about?!" Thankfully I didn't let anyone see my spastic performance.

I'm glad I don't own a smartphone for this reason; though, I do own several computers, that if something happened to them, I'd probably have a melt-down.

I don't like that. I have this vague desire to go full on minimalist; but, I'd have to put in some effort to get rid of some things. I could just donate them or give them way, etc.. But, I want a little something for their worth.

Even if I achieved my minimalism goal, there are two computers I own, and probably a good host of sentimental objects, that would be very, very difficult to part with, if they some how were separated from me.

A friend of mine dropped her $900+ new samsung phone several years ago now... She did not enjoy that...

I sent my last samsung galaxy note through the washing machine once. Lucky I only paid about 80-100 for it; so, not a huge loss, I replaced it pretty easily and quickly.

I could go my whole life without a smartphone happily though. About the only thing I'd like one for is access to uber and lyft; but, taxi's still run around here, so, no biggy, in a pinch.

It'd be nice to only own as much as I could fit into the back of a sedan; or perhaps even a backpack and a suitcase. And yet, on the other hand, seems like it'd be pretty neat to have a comfortable homestead, packed to the hilt with all kinds of neat stuff from over the years, heh.

I suppose I'd give both sides of the coin, a try, supposing I could. Minimalism, I think I'd prefer though, absent wealth.

 

[okidoke]

I'm glad I don't own a smartphone for this reason; though, I do own several computers, that if something happened to them, I'd probably have a melt-down........

Loved that film. Y'know, I wasn't mad so much about it being my phone, but for the fact at what was happening, like it was infuriating that it was getting away from me and I had no control to prevent it from getting worse. I like going camping and being away from all the tech and having a reason for not being able to access anything on my phone, but boy are they handy for so many things I do.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Loved that film. Y'know, I wasn't mad so much about it being my phone, but for the fact at what was happening, like it was infuriating that it was getting away from me and I had no control to prevent it from getting worse. I like going camping and being away from all the tech and having a reason for not being able to access anything on my phone, but boy are they handy for so many things I do.

heh, yeah, I get that too. I love cursing out inanimate objects. A favorite passtime of mine. lol.

 

[SquareBin]

- I was born a boy, and I wish I was born a girl. it's not sexual, I started stealing my mother's clothes and makeup to pretend being a girl at 8yo, all the way until 13-14. Now at 23, with a masculine face and a slim masculine body, I get depressed a lot by it. I've come to accept that I am a man and will stay that way for a long time

- I do not want to wear a suit and go to conventions, however my porn addiction has led in many a-wrong fetishes, the biggest one being furries. Yes you can shoot me in the head if you want. others include bestiality, scat/similar, bdsm, roleplay and hentai/18+manga. Despite this degeneracy, I prefer real sex with a real person. I just don't have access to normal sex right now.

- In school, I felt bad for school shooters, because they were having a bad time in life and their lashing out was a cry for help. I looked up to them because I hated feeling left out of my school/class social life/other problems. Sometimes I wondered how it would be like in their shoes, and I guess unhealthy revenge runs deep when you're a loser.

- I looked up to the nazis at some point. Maybe it's because they were "efficient" or they had something going on that attracted me to their system. After I lost my 1st gf because of my descent into nazism (and other things) I stopped the "nazi" forums, however so many things still remains inside my brain. It's complicated, but once you lose your innocence, only death gives it back to you (I'm talking about myself)

- I don't think I'd feel bad killing bad people. there's one guy in school that I hated, he was a bully to both me and my little brother. If I could kill and get away with it, I'd choose him. many other children fell to his bully's ways. yeah it's bad I know, but some people are betond salvable



it's a lot to take in, and there's more. yes, I'm very F***** Up I know. Therapists probably will be overwhelmed when I explain everything

 

[Intrama]

I'm rolling on an absurdly idiotic dose of Molly. Feeling like I'm going to go Supernova status.

 

[Punisher]

I'm rolling on an absurdly idiotic dose of Molly. Feeling like I'm going to go Supernova status.

Living the good life.

 

[TheSkaFish]

OK, here's a few.

If I've portrayed myself on here as a squeaky-clean good guy, I'm not. Though I try to not be actively, consciously awful.

I will admit that lust is a problem for me. I understand why it doesn't work as the basis for relationships and authentic connection. And I understand that you can feel lust for someone's physical form, but that you would not enjoy them as a person. And "the rest of your life" is too long a time to spend with someone you don't really like, find interesting, or care about. But it's still a problem nevertheless, although I am getting it under control, and its influence over me is fading away.

I am NOT a minimalist. Quite the opposite. I've always loved my possessions. I want to get even more possessions. Initially when I was a kid I made my "what do I want to be when I grow up" choice, based on what would make the most money that I was mentally capable of, and would also keep me out of harm's way. That's how I arrived at majoring in business (which I now see was not specific enough). A significant part of me thinks that I screwed up when I backed away from this and think that I need to get closer to that path again. I just need to make sure I also get a personality/do something cool/make myself into a complete person, I neglected this before out of thinking I didn't need to, and thinking it wasn't possible for me. But yeah, it's not that I'm a minimalist, I'm not. I'm not happy like this at all, and the suggestion that I should be, annoys and angers me. If this is as good as it's going to get for me, then f*ck my life, I mean it. I don't enjoy "the simple life" and especially hate feeling like it's forced on me, and I fear it's all because I wasn't born with the right stuff. So if I value possessions so much, and hate being stuck in money problems and low status, why aren't I in some corporate job then? Well, it's that I'm not sure where I can perform, achieve, and succeed, if there's anywhere at all. I'm afraid it's nowhere, and that makes me struggle with inspiration. Also, I don't know what I'm interested in doing anyway. I find it difficult to focus/concentrate on practical things. I like to play. I'm not good at working, and it makes it hard to work when I'm both not truly interested in what I'm doing, and also don't believe I have the mental/genetic capacity to improve enough to even get competent at it.

Although I do believe in standing up for the down and out, there have also been times in my life where I don't want to hang out with someone, because they aren't the kind of person I want to be like, and I don't want to be associated with them, or thought of as that kind of person, sorted into that category, because I worry it would make me look bad, and being that kind of person wouldn't make me feel good about myself. Plus I'm just not interested. The main reason is that I find these people dopey, and not successful, and therefore not people that I want to be similar to. I know, ironic coming from me when I've struggled to be successful myself. But it's true. I'd never make fun of these people or bully them, I've been bullied myself for lack of strength and success, and it sucked, I hated it. But I don't want to be like these people either.

Don't worry, I'm not referring to anyone here, just at various times in my offline life.

Hopefully I haven't made myself look like a total jerk, but there you go.

 

[user 190648]

OK, here's a few. [...]

Hopefully I haven't made myself look like a total jerk, but there you go.

Yes, it is called "Confession Booth" and, supposedly, in a confession booth u don't go to get judged, but to get heard/understood. Yet, I can't skip replying to this one confession. It made me cry when I read it in my mailbox, and makes me cry every time when I think of it. So, I will not be judging, I will only try to explain how offensive and harmful this kind of philosophy actually is. Bc, you seem to understand that it is not quite "right", but u examine it like in the aspect if/how it makes you to be a "jerk" or whatever of the kind; not in the aspect of how it affects the people who aren't... enough worthy to u to relate with.

Maybe it won't be a very short post; but, after all, we are here for sharing not short birthday cards, but opinions and feelings. So, if someone feels too lazy to read, he/she/... is invited to skip it. I will write it down, tho.

Dude (u sound like a guy, if u are not, excuse me), I've been a victim of exactly the same philosophy twice in my life. They were both hurtful af, but the 2nd one was the thing that sent me to the hole where I've been residing in the last years, and w/o any power left, so to climb back up. That Mister Big made me feel unworthy, ugly, and shameful. To him, I mean, not to myself. I know I'm not a such, but as HE was so deeply worthy and loved by me, making me feel that to him I appear in this way, is extremely HARMING, it is like a poison that never expires from ur mind and even body. And this ******* made me feel in this way only bc I was too "inapplicable" to his "big goals".

To be clear -- I have myself been devoted to prevent harming his career/status/image. He is in the public sector, and I was aware that I'm not the type of persona the crowd (and colleagues, most probably) would accept him to have beside. So, I have never required from him publicity of any kind. But the thing is, he refused to me even a normal, healthy respect. He kept me believing that I do matter to him a lot, and when he had me in the deepest, he suddenly appeared to be in another relationship -- one that is in existence til now. He removed/disallowed any kind of contact channel which could provably link him to me, and gave to me a kind of communication which to never allow me to know if he is actually communicating. I have enough points of personal evidence that some parts of the communication have happened, but otherwise, I went in a constant questioning my own mind, if I am in this communication or I am just insane and in delusions. I know how this sounds, but if someone feels like laughing, I'd advise him/her to first imagine how it would be if they were in my place.

He kept telling to me that this new relationship is fake, and is there only bc the boost in his career required it. For a pretty long time, I believed that -- they don't have this true couple aura, they play love and devotion pretty well, but the aura is not there. Yet, who would be a such jerk to lead a fake relationship for years?? It is a disrespect to one's own life, right.

Whatever. The thing is that this Mister Big "punished" me for nothing else but being not "the type" who is cozy in terms of crowd and career. He could have safely to me avoid our relations from the beginning or end them up respectfully when he was about to enter the other relationship. But no, to him it was fun to take what I'm giving to him, so he simply kept misleading me about the real state of things. I had to on my own -- slowly and painfully -- come to the conclusion that he is just making fun. Of my feelings, of my pain, of my trust. Like, as if I am some reality tv show which u watch at dinner, or while relaxing after ur "busy day". I'm not a person who quits at the 1st hardship, and when I believe I'm in a team w someone, I'm truly devoting and understanding; so it took me a very long time to finally believe that he is nothing but a mean liar to me.

The worst thing of all bad things that he did to me, was that he took something that I have give to him, on a career-related occasion of his, something pure and honest, and he presented it to the public as a thing which his public girlfriend has gave to him. So that to show to them all how deep and significant their connection is. He simply robbed this thing from me, and placed it on the crown of that person. A person who is better than me in nothing but pretending she is special.

It is not possible to explain how hurtful and humiliating this is. I'm not trying to. What I want to say, with all this, is:

Dude, it is so f****** offensive and harmful to tag people on the basis of their formal "success" or on the basis of their choice to prioritize their looks over any other quality they could have. It is not about lust or wanting to be successful, it is about taking into account how you affect the others by what you do. It is about what (bad thing) you are ready to do, so to gain "success". Or success.

Formal success is a nonsense. About 90% of the ones who have it, only have it bc they are too unscrupulous, or/and start at a cozier level, or/and they pay for a pr-campaign, so that to skip the competition (which they know that they will otherwise never win over). So, HOW tf is this success??

Or, HOW can a flat/boring person devoted to having glittering looks and image of happy and shinny jerk, even be an object of affection?? Body/face/skin/etc., u don't actually make sex w that, u always make sex w the person inside the shell. If u don't feel affection for the personality, then, while sexing the person, u are simply imaging someone else there, I mean, someone either known or unknown, but surely not the body owner.

) Seriously, how YOU would feel if someone says to you that your looks aren't appropriate to them, but they enjoy your personality?? "Ahhh, so THANK YOU for considering me ugly but being so GENEROUS to enjoy the other parts of me!!" ;D ;D ;D

OK, whatever. What I wanted to say, is that tagging some people "plague" only bc they don't have the same Fate or personality, is one of the most offensive things in the world. It is one of the things that make this world to be the trashcan it is. And the saddest is that all the media (not all, just the bad part of it) actively and consciously helps the goal to keep the crowd to be a crowd (much easier to the Money-Making Machine to rule it and to take its money). This is a long topic tho.

"Moral" is made to be a dirty word, and it is exactly bc this is how it is cozy to MMM. Tagging has nothing to do with reality. And tagging on wrong basis is even more a nonsense.

So, it is not necessarily wrong to be a non-minimalist, or to want to have money or success. The thing is, what you do w them, when u get them, and, first of all, what you are ready to cause around urself, so to get them.

I don't know you, of course. But still, ur post went so deep in me, it was like I read my very own conclusions on the real attitude of the ******* I told u about.

My best wishes, for achieving what you need, w/o harming anyone around.

If I have offended you in some bad way, please, excuse me, that wasn't my goal.

 

[Unsigned]

If I have offended you in some bad way, please, excuse me, that wasn't my goal.

I know you were replying to another person, but I have to say, I 100% appreciate your honesty.
Females are not usually so honest about this type of thing.
Here's my take on it. Completely male perspective, yes. Apologies for the assumptions I make. But it's all I know.
Females get to choose who they are with.
When they choose a "bad guy", I have no sympathy.
Maybe I should think more deeply about it, and try to empathize. But I don't. I suppose I can't.
In my mind (small as it may be), they chose a bad guy and too bad for them if they were treated badly.
SO MANY of us lonely good guys out here.
So many.
I guess we are too nice.
Too hard working.
Too boring.
Not exciting.
And we get ignored.
So we get bitter.
Real bitter.

Not discounting your bad experiences.
Not at all.
But only letting you know how different it is.
Nice girls have a choice.
Nice guys, unfortunately, most of us anyway, do not.
Best wishes to you and hope you have happiness in the future.

 

[user 190648]

I know you were replying to another person, but I have to say, I 100% appreciate your honesty.
Females are not usually so honest about this type of thing.
Here's my take on it. Completely male perspective, yes. Apologies for the assumptions I make. But it's all I know.
Females get to choose who they are with.
When they choose a "bad guy", I have no sympathy.
Maybe I should think more deeply about it, and try to empathize. But I don't. I suppose I can't.
In my mind (small as it may be), they chose a bad guy and too bad for them if they were treated badly.
SO MANY of us lonely good guys out here.
So many.
I guess we are too nice.
Too hard working.
Too boring.
Not exciting.
And we get ignored.
So we get bitter.
Real bitter.

Not discounting your bad experiences.
Not at all.
But only letting you know how different it is.
Nice girls have a choice.
Nice guys, unfortunately, most of us anyway, do not.
Best wishes to you and hope you have happiness in the future.

Wow... I so appreciate u appreciating my honesty. Thank u a lot, really!!

And, I wont like u to consider me one of these people who overlook a person's qualities bc he/she is not of the "interesting type". To me, the interesting type is not one who is loud or "highly placed", this has never been the case with me, ever, even while I was a child. The 2 (and ex) partnerships that I had, one of them a 8-year long marriage, were w men who actually belong to the category you describe, I mean, the overlooked nice people. Yet, both partnerships were unsuccessful -- not bc I got bored, but bc we were, in fact, not matches. If you ask how one can enter a thing that feels not a match, there is a simple answer, i.e., 2 answers: one feels alone after several crashes and has lost hopes for meeting a true match; or, one doesn't at all believe that their Fate has a true match in plans.

So, it is not also true about me that I tend to fall for bad men. The 2 cases of *******s that I mention, I would have never even thought that I can fall for someone of their area/kind. But it happened, and I remained there only until I figured out that I'm being just used, but not loved or even appreciated. In that 2nd case, it took me too long to do that; as I said, I simply don't quit on the 1st inconvenience, to me, if u are a team w someone, it means that if there is a problem, then u have to first apply some deeper understanding to the reasons behind the other person's behaviour; and, if that other person looks like wanting to solve the issue, then, u remain and try together w him/her. Bc, who is flawless here?? No one. Everyone can fail in this or that, everyone has his/her own weaknesses and demons. To be a team is mainly about healing/growing each other; bc everyone has what to be healed from and what to grow in. So, I remained bc I believed for a long time that he is honest to me and that his reasons are the ones he said, not the ones he hid.

Aside of the above stories, I fully agree w u that persons who are quieter and nicer, in the most cases remain overlooked. And it is extremely sad. It is one of the most unfair stuff in the world. The worst is that people are from very early age taught, in one way or another, in exactly this way of thinking. All that idiotic advertising of idiotic things and views and behaviours. If I could stop it somehow, I would not waste a minute.

And still, in relationships the main thing is the persons to be a true match. Perfection is fiction, of course, but there are points by which the persons have to have harmony. Otherwise, no matter how nice each of them is, the combination doesn't end up well. Or, if they keep together, they will try to neutralize the mismatch by overdosing some other stuff, like money making or pressing their children w too much ambition, etc.

Again, thank you. And, I return the good wishes your way too. May u are loved and appreciated, by a person for who u feel the same!!

p.s. that 2nd *******, when I fell for him, I didnt at all knew he is a *******. he keeps himself in the mask of the Nice Guy. he wears it so very well that no one knows it is there. I guess, I was the Lucky One who has found out that it is in existence.

 

[user 190648]

I just cant stop pondering on the topic. Funny of me, eh? But i will not add anything else, only 2 things that i forgot to say, being so passionate to respond to the main topic .

@TheSkaFish, i really like ur motto.This line has always called in me warmth and compassion and desire to embrace the person and say: "Yes, keep being strong, dont pay attention to demotivators, they are of zero importance!!". I still love that line, just, in my case it turned out that it is... about something else.

@Unsigned, nice girls have the same problem, which u describe about the nice guys. They are considered not very exciting, so to speak. In many cases. But, as for choosing who to have love for, i think this is impossible. It is there or is not, and inn some cases it can me substituted to some extent by other elements of the interaction/attitude. Yet, enough good match has to be present.

Stay well all of u here, reading or not.

 

[user 190648]

Actually, i have what else to confess in the Booth. Besides the post about being able to kill out of pain and besides the society-rebuking speech. Yeah, thinking of it, it is completely in the range of confessions.

I'm what many would call A F**** Idealist, i.e., what many would call that w bad meaning in it. I've been it my whole life. To a certain point, i havent even been aware that im idealist. Ive been thinking that the alike opinions that i hear from the others -- opinions that are in the direction of... u know, Goodness and Decency, such stuff -- were honest, like mine. But, of course, at some moment i realized that they are just empty talks. Either empty talks, or just convenient mask, the Mask of the Socially Acceptable 2-Faceness. I was shocked to reveal that fact in relation to some persons who i considered "my kind". but, w time, i've accepted that in most case, it is just mask or empty talks. Or, talks in the way the person maybe wants to be, but is not.

Dont get me wrong -- i dont by all means accuse ppl who aren't "idealists", no, my point is that despite i don't accuse them for not being such, they accuse me for being a such. It is offensive, and they don't eve bother to see that. After all, to the difference of many others, i at least am interested in other things besides the ones which are personally/directly related to my own persona.

Plus, my idealism is not some empty, impossible thing. I stand for stuff that are quite possible, to people and society, if only we stop living asleep, stop obeying rules that are totally wrong. Humans are super-strange creatures, u know. They support the rules which harm them, instead to fight these rules. So many samples.

One of the things that i hate, is that we are taught that we have to e like the others around. Zero individuality. We are taught that we have to buy and glitter and appear happy. "Shiny Happy People". exactly. We are taught that emotions are not important and we have to suppress them. We are taught that we have to be egoists. We are taught that we are "self-sufficient units", so that to be taught to have superficial, non-significant interactions/partnerships. At the same time, we are taught to NEVER EVER DARE being too far from what is officially and loudly proclaimed right/proper/successful, ets. Despite in most cases, the truth is exactly the opposite.

I'm really concerned about how children take this wrong education earlier and earlier in life. I'm concerned about the clear fact that all the tolerance and brotherhood, proclaimed in the loud, bad kind of media, is fake. Lol, like, u see how they try to put in every movie a person who to represent different kind of sexual orientation or colour, but, in fact, the boundaries and hates/unfairness in relation to these stuff in the real life remain untouched. And, what about the group of the people who are not ones of money/fame/power, lol?? They aren't tolerated even in the movies. They are like no ones. Empty space.

Etc., etc.

I'm really sad, thinking of this all. And, don't get me wrong again, i'm myself not a flawless thing. I'm really proud that i keep my self-respect in terms of what i obey to and what i do in my interactions w the others, but I accuse myself of things that i haven't done or haven't done enough well. For example, due to emotional break-downs, i fail, more than once, to give financial or physical support to some beings related to me (humans and non-humans). To the more, sometimes i go in the position to need financial help from my parents or friends. It is not just embarrassing, it is even more breaking. Plus, i hear offenses in this direction from people who are "close", hence supposed to me emotionally supportive when i need it. Bc, when THEY need it, i am surely supportive to THEM.

I also hate it when someone simplifies the things related to how a person walks his/her life. In every sense of it. Fate is a real thing, despite to some it is more convenient to refer Fate only in certain aspects, but not in other aspects. Fate is there, and it is NOT true that "with efforts and stubborness everything is achievable". That's such a ig b****** that there's no need to discuss it.

I hate it when i'm told that i "press too much importance on love matters" and that im "too vulnerable". I place this importance, bc this is what is important to me. This is how my main needs are. I dont need the money thing or the fame thing, i need the attitude thing. I need to love and i need to have enough response. Bc to me the main things are indeed warmth and closeness. This is what i didnt have so this is what i always need. Why such a need to be more sinful/improper than the need to get power or fame??

And YES, i am vulnerable more than average. This is how my design and my initial life made me to be, and the further life didnt give me options to heal this. So, YES, tf, im vulnerable. What a sin, OMG.

As for the vulnerability, if people acted w care to each other (which is truly possible, once one starts), the vulnerability wont matter so much anymore. Not mine, but everyone else's.

"Idealist" is not what i'd myself call myself. I don't know how i'd call myself.

Too much talk. So much talk. Im amazed at myself lol.

Stay well, u all.

 

[okidoke]

Actually, i have what else to confess in the Booth. Besides the post about being able to kill out of pain and besides the society-rebuking speech. Yeah, thinking of it, it is completely in the range of confessions.

I'm what many would call A F**** Idealist, i.e., what many would call that w bad meaning in it. I've been it my whole life. To a certain point, i havent even been aware that im idealist. Ive been thinking that the alike opinions that i hear from the others -- opinions that are in the direction of... u know, Goodness and Decency, such stuff -- were honest, like mine. But, of course, at some moment i realized that they are just empty talks. Either empty talks, or just convenient mask, the Mask of the Socially Acceptable 2-Faceness. I was shocked to reveal that fact in relation to some persons who i considered "my kind". but, w time, i've accepted that in most case, it is just mask or empty talks. Or, talks in the way the person maybe wants to be, but is not.

Dont get me wrong -- i dont by all means accuse ppl who aren't "idealists", no, my point is that despite i don't accuse them for not being such, they accuse me for being a such. It is offensive, and they don't eve bother to see that. After all, to the difference of many others, i at least am interested in other things besides the ones which are personally/directly related to my own persona.

Plus, my idealism is not some empty, impossible thing. I stand for stuff that are quite possible, to people and society, if only we stop living asleep, stop obeying rules that are totally wrong. Humans are super-strange creatures, u know. They support the rules which harm them, instead to fight these rules. So many samples.

One of the things that i hate, is that we are taught that we have to e like the others around. Zero individuality. We are taught that we have to buy and glitter and appear happy. "Shiny Happy People". exactly. We are taught that emotions are not important and we have to suppress them. We are taught that we have to be egoists. We are taught that we are "self-sufficient units", so that to be taught to have superficial, non-significant interactions/partnerships. At the same time, we are taught to NEVER EVER DARE being too far from what is officially and loudly proclaimed right/proper/successful, ets. Despite in most cases, the truth is exactly the opposite.

I'm really concerned about how children take this wrong education earlier and earlier in life. I'm concerned about the clear fact that all the tolerance and brotherhood, proclaimed in the loud, bad kind of media, is fake. Lol, like, u see how they try to put in every movie a person who to represent different kind of sexual orientation or colour, but, in fact, the boundaries and hates/unfairness in relation to these stuff in the real life remain untouched. And, what about the group of the people who are not ones of money/fame/power, lol?? They aren't tolerated even in the movies. They are like no ones. Empty space.

Etc., etc.

I'm really sad, thinking of this all. And, don't get me wrong again, i'm myself not a flawless thing. I'm really proud that i keep my self-respect in terms of what i obey to and what i do in my interactions w the others, but I accuse myself of things that i haven't done or haven't done enough well. For example, due to emotional break-downs, i fail, more than once, to give financial or physical support to some beings related to me (humans and non-humans). To the more, sometimes i go in the position to need financial help from my parents or friends. It is not just embarrassing, it is even more breaking. Plus, i hear offenses in this direction from people who are "close", hence supposed to me emotionally supportive when i need it. Bc, when THEY need it, i am surely supportive to THEM.

I also hate it when someone simplifies the things related to how a person walks his/her life. In every sense of it. Fate is a real thing, despite to some it is more convenient to refer Fate only in certain aspects, but not in other aspects. Fate is there, and it is NOT true that "with efforts and stubborness everything is achievable". That's such a ig b****** that there's no need to discuss it.

I hate it when i'm told that i "press too much importance on love matters" and that im "too vulnerable". I place this importance, bc this is what is important to me. This is how my main needs are. I dont need the money thing or the fame thing, i need the attitude thing. I need to love and i need to have enough response. Bc to me the main things are indeed warmth and closeness. This is what i didnt have so this is what i always need. Why such a need to be more sinful/improper than the need to get power or fame??

And YES, i am vulnerable more than average. This is how my design and my initial life made me to be, and the further life didnt give me options to heal this. So, YES, tf, im vulnerable. What a sin, OMG.

As for the vulnerability, if people acted w care to each other (which is truly possible, once one starts), the vulnerability wont matter so much anymore. Not mine, but everyone else's.

"Idealist" is not what i'd myself call myself. I don't know how i'd call myself.

Too much talk. So much talk. Im amazed at myself lol.

Stay well, u all.

I got confused sorry. How do you mean you’re vulnerable? And I’m not sure that there’s anything wrong with being an idealist, apart from it perhaps wasting some one’s time and energy.

 

[Walnut]

And I’m not sure that there’s anything wrong with being an idealist, apart from it perhaps wasting some one’s time and energy.

I would be interested to know why its a waste of time and energy?

 

[okidoke]

I would be interested to know why its a waste of time and energy?

Only in the sense that if you obsess for certain ideals that might be out of reach or unrealistic, which still may not mean it's a waste of time, but it could be for some people who could've focused their time better. I did say "perhaps".

 

[Walnut]

Thanks! I’m honestly not intelligent enough to respond. I appreciate your answer.