The fearful moment

[isthatso]

Eyes piercing, condescending, laughing, summing up their victim. Me.
A thousand thoughts occur at once.
"I'm an idiot. I deserve this. It's happening again. I can't cope. let this moment be over and done with. Like torture. Be nice and he might stop. Christian values. Be nice. Turn the other cheek? what? Just stop it. I can't stand this. Can't find the confidence to stand up. can't find the body language to assert. I'm failing badly here and he's going in for the kill. Look at his eyes. He's thriving on this. This is his whole sustenance. This is what he lives for. the thrill of the kill. I'm powerless. Impotent. Stop looking down. Be a man for God's sake, you wimp. Where's your balls. But I might say something that makes it a whole lot worse. Oh this is dragging out. Like an eternity. Please finish. Heart is racing. Swaety palms. Fight of flight. Chose the latter of course, in a way, although I'm still here taking it like a milksop. And what's worse is I'm going to beat myself up forever after this..for not standing up. Not saying what needs to be said. The worst bully, the real bully, is inside my head. 'cause I can't forgive that spineless creature who simply said nothing. Why can't I just hold my head up and say it? Do it? Because that bully inside my head agrees with the bully I'm dealing with right now. Yeah you deserve this, you moron."

 

[bodafuko]

That sucks. Sounds like you know what it feels like to be bullied. I do too. Well, let me tell you from firsthand experience, you can come out the other side stronger and better for it. Being victimized does not mean that you have to "be" a victim or "remain" a victim. You are a person with intrinsic value and I would encourage you to look into whatever mental and physical training it takes to find the confidence that you know you possess.

 

[isthatso]

That sucks. Sounds like you know what it feels like to be bullied. I do too. Well, let me tell you from firsthand experience, you can come out the other side stronger and better for it. Being victimized does not mean that you have to "be" a victim or "remain" a victim. You are a person with intrinsic value and I would encourage you to look into whatever mental and physical training it takes to find the confidence that you know you possess.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm actually psyching myself up for harassment that is going to occur in the coming months at work. I want to start saying positive things to myself. Afraid I may f...up again though. cheers.

 

[Will8285]

hey man, i'm sorry for what you go through. if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? i'm not going to lie and say that i was bullied, cause i wasn't. i mean, a little bit in the military, but nothing like you're talking about, and everyone is bullied in the military in boot camp. so i can understand a little bit what you're talking about. does this person ever actually hit you though? well, anyways, you don't need to talk about it with me, but if there's anything i can do please let me know.

Eyes piercing, condescending, laughing, summing up their victim. Me.
A thousand thoughts occur at once.
"I'm an idiot. I deserve this. It's happening again. I can't cope. let this moment be over and done with. Like torture. Be nice and he might stop. Christian values. Be nice. Turn the other cheek? what? Just stop it. I can't stand this. Can't find the confidence to stand up. can't find the body language to assert. I'm failing badly here and he's going in for the kill. Look at his eyes. He's thriving on this. This is his whole sustenance. This is what he lives for. the thrill of the kill. I'm powerless. Impotent. Stop looking down. Be a man for God's sake, you wimp. Where's your balls. But I might say something that makes it a whole lot worse. Oh this is dragging out. Like an eternity. Please finish. Heart is racing. Swaety palms. Fight of flight. Chose the latter of course, in a way, although I'm still here taking it like a milksop. And what's worse is I'm going to beat myself up forever after this..for not standing up. Not saying what needs to be said. The worst bully, the real bully, is inside my head. 'cause I can't forgive that spineless creature who simply said nothing. Why can't I just hold my head up and say it? Do it? Because that bully inside my head agrees with the bully I'm dealing with right now. Yeah you deserve this, you moron."

 

[Skid Row 89]

Eyes piercing, condescending, laughing, summing up their victim. Me.
A thousand thoughts occur at once.
"I'm an idiot. I deserve this. It's happening again. I can't cope. let this moment be over and done with. Like torture. Be nice and he might stop. Christian values. Be nice. Turn the other cheek? what? Just stop it. I can't stand this. Can't find the confidence to stand up. can't find the body language to assert. I'm failing badly here and he's going in for the kill. Look at his eyes. He's thriving on this. This is his whole sustenance. This is what he lives for. the thrill of the kill. I'm powerless. Impotent. Stop looking down. Be a man for God's sake, you wimp. Where's your balls. But I might say something that makes it a whole lot worse. Oh this is dragging out. Like an eternity. Please finish. Heart is racing. Swaety palms. Fight of flight. Chose the latter of course, in a way, although I'm still here taking it like a milksop. And what's worse is I'm going to beat myself up forever after this..for not standing up. Not saying what needs to be said. The worst bully, the real bully, is inside my head. 'cause I can't forgive that spineless creature who simply said nothing. Why can't I just hold my head up and say it? Do it? Because that bully inside my head agrees with the bully I'm dealing with right now. Yeah you deserve this, you moron."

Sorry to hear about your experience. This is exactly how I feel on a daily basis. I hope you find the strength to stand up to your tormentors.

 

[isthatso]

Cheers Will and Skid!

 

[bodafuko]

That sucks. Sounds like you know what it feels like to be bullied. I do too. Well, let me tell you from firsthand experience, you can come out the other side stronger and better for it. Being victimized does not mean that you have to "be" a victim or "remain" a victim. You are a person with intrinsic value and I would encourage you to look into whatever mental and physical training it takes to find the confidence that you know you possess.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm actually psyching myself up for harassment that is going to occur in the coming months at work. I want to start saying positive things to myself. Afraid I may f...up again though. cheers.

I would encourage you to find whatever outlet you need to let go of the negativity. The work world can be especially dangerous for harassment/bullying. Why? Because we HAVE TO work. So, there we are stuck. Stuck with people that don't care about us and aren't linked to us in any way in an environment that doesn't give a **** about us as humans and only cares how much revenue we generate. Take a little sprinkle of "society is all ****** up and people are cruel" and you have a perfect recipe for a lot of people to be hurt by others. Never internalize what people say or do to you. Learn to cope, learn to prevent, learn to progress (away from those people) but don't internalize it.

Have you read about coping (overcoming) bullying in the workplace? I have. I learned a lot about how to handle people that has really helped stop it dead in its tracks.

 

[isthatso]

Only a little. Do you have any links you reccomend?

 

[Sigma]

Damn, reading the whole thing was pretty immersive, you'd be a good writer.
Anyway what I would do in these situations is just acknowledge that you heard what they said but be (or at least act) unphased by it.
If people don't receive the desired response from their antagonising they tend to give up and move on to the next target, or so it's been the case for me anyway.
Then again I don't really have to force a reaction like that it just kind of comes naturally these days...

 

[isthatso]

^
thanks. i'm using writing as a way of coping with it. If I'm really prepared to have a hard honest look at what is actually happening at the time...ie. to my body and my mind, then this awareness may translate to actually standing up to the bully. Maybe because we fear to really live in the moment, to appear assertive, that we can't visualise ourself speaking our mind to that particular person, we become afraid of every scenario like that.
In a word. trigger.
When we are bullied, it triggers all the memories of previous bullying and we forget the present. Our negatives take over our mind and we become literally frozen, paralysed.
I need to unfreeze!

 

[bodafuko]

Only a little. Do you have any links you reccomend?

To be honest, some of the best resources on this sort of thing - in my opinion, believe it or not - are kids books about bullying. I learned a lot teaching my daughter about how to defend against bullies because I didn't want her going through what I went through. In the process of immersing ourselves into the subject, I actually learned a lot.

Sometimes we don't want to label what we are experiencing as "bullying", especially in adulthood. But let's face it, if you have people saying nasty things to you in a nasty tone with nasty expressions for no good reason, you ARE being bullied. Once you admit that to yourself and accept it, you will become empowered. No longer will you waffle in the shame of not wanting to admit or accept that it is happening. It IS happening.

Now, you can become effective, you can get down to business in dealing with the situation. Once you get a taste of the personal growth, it's actually hard to go back. I'm to a point now where anyone I work with could say anything they want to me and I literally would not care. I don't mean "be able to pretend I don't care". Nope, I really mean "not give a damn". That sort of indifference, in and of itself, drives bullies away and can actually turn the tables.

Do I have any specific recommendations? No. My singular recommendation would be to immerse yourself in the subject. Read actual books though, as they are comprehensive, and you will be thankful that you did. Even a little perspective can be a lifesaver.

 

[isthatso]

Nope, I really mean "not give a damn". That sort of indifference, in and of itself, drives bullies away and can actually turn the tables.

that is enviable to say the least.
Impressed by your story and will make efforts to emulate. Thanks.

 

[isthatso]

My imagination or real?

She arrives at work. points at me. "You. come here. let's go." I obey and we attend to a task that she could have easily done herself. Just there to keep her company? menawhile another staff is waiting for me to let her exit. (high security) I rush back to let her out.
Now time for post mortem. Bashing. "I let myself obey her becuase I was afraid it might be important. Why didn't I say something afterwards like..'don't ask me to do things you can do yourself' why do i freeze in the moment?
Noticed too how I feel on edge when she arrives..as if i'm ready to be attacked. She gets off on watching me squirm? Just that uneasy feeling. it's so unnecessary. She is not a higher rank than me but has this unofficial power because highly respected by management. My credibility is on the other hand getting lower..

Yet at other times we can get on so well. that's why i hesitate to spoil the relationship.

 

[Sigma]

You sure like to analyze your daily events.
Still, I kind of recognize the events you portrayed, ended on a rather awkward note for me...
Anyways, you could just ask her what it was all about, doesn't have to be a straight up confrontation, just make it subtle. Something like when you happen to be near eachother and you ask her "couldn't you have done x or y yourself", without even making eye contact, maybe there is better way to do it but I suck at this stuff as well so yeah.
I know it's easy to assume the worst, but that doesn't mean it is always the case.

 

[isthatso]

of course i know what you're saying and you're probably right.

Only recently have I decided to write these things down and analyse them. I just want to feel empowered. my only goal. Not at the expense of others either.