Things I've Learned From Talking to Suicidal People & People in Pain

[SophiaGrace]

Do not tell them to cheer up, if you do, this makes them feel as though you haven't heard their pain and alienates them.

Do not tell them your story, it might make them feel, again, that you are not hearing their pain. Even if you do this to establish street cred, it might seem as though you are shifting the spotlight from their pain to what you've been though, and trivialize their pain that they're trying to tell you about.

Do not try to "give them hope", because again, that makes them feel as though you are trivializing their pain. Such trite things as "Tomorrow is a new day" and "things get better" Platitudes.

I guess what I am trying to say is, if you don't listen and hear their pain, if you gloss over it, they will sense that you are "not safe to talk to" and will withdraw, when in fact they need someone to talk to about how they feel.

 

[ZENX49]

Someone had to say it and I'm glad to finally hear it said. This is the truth here. The problem many seem to have when it comes to trying to 'relate' or 'empathize' to someone's situation is that they actually think they can do that. It's not possible because you aren't in their shoes with the same experiences, ignorances, pains, anxieties, and personal associations. This makes the experience unique through every pair of eyes.

The best thing you can do is listen and silently comfort in what ways you can appropriately. Sometimes, the best peace brought to someone isn't through words, but subtlety and respect for the emotion.

 

[Lost Drifter]

There is some truth in that, the art of listening is a most valuable skill and speaking as someone who has counselled and mentored people suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, being able to listen is an essential competence.

However, and there is always a however, the persons need to communicate if they are to be listened to. You can’t force communication out of anyone and you can not make them tell you anything and everything, you can listen to a point but unless you are talking face to face then silence can be hard to decipher. It doesn’t happen too much on here but I visit forums where suicide and depression are thrown around for quick bouts of sympathy. A poster will write a single line or two about how they want to end their life, people will respond with hugs and those **** awful emoticons and the poster will perk up, having got the attention they wanted, and move on.

Now there is nothing wrong with wanting attention, we all need it from time to time, or if a simple message can cheer someone up then all the better but I want to stress to anyone reading this: if you are having thoughts about suicide or self-harm then stop what you are doing, walk away from the computer and seek out professional help. As helpful as people can be, emotions can escalate drastically once suicide is brought in to things, you will likely be in a fragile place where advice can be misinterpreted and direction misguided so please be careful.

By all means rant, vent, moan and share, but once certain thoughts enter the mind its essential to get out and seek help.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

Good-quality professional help can be difficult to get. Difficult like, near impossible at the very moment you REALLY need some. And sometimes they don't handle people in pain properly. Some will truly be helpful but it can be costly to try them one after the other until you find one you're comfortable with.

Journaling is better. You know yourself better than anyone and a journal won't reject you or misunderstand.

That being said, usually when someone is only TALKING about suicide, and still turning to people for help, they don't really want to die. They are in serious pain and want that pain to stop, may have tried some means that didn't work, and start seeing death as one of the doors out - but at this point they still didn't give up life, and WILL accept to let people try and help them. Usually at this step the pain comes from ONE main level of their lives, some other levels may hurt too, but less, and there's still openings to communicate with these people, and get their attention on certain things. Usually, certain aspects are still OK in these people's lives.

Usually when someone is hurt, they just want you to sit there and listen, and validate that whatever hurts them, sucks. They don't want to hear "Don't feel like that", they rather would love if someone asked "Why do you feel like that?". Questioning the attitude or feeling can bring them to eventually get to the next level and start finding what truly makes them feel this way, apart from what they complain about. There's always something else, a deeper reason.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Having empathy and letting them talk it out of their system (not that it changes anything at that particular moment- healing takes time) is the kindest thing you can do. The danger in this is that sometimes depressed or needy people start becoming more dependent on you because you're showing them compassion , understanding, and allowing them to have center stage. It's tough not to get sucked into this- you need time to decompress and dealing with people's dark thoughts can be exhausting. Arsenic Queen expressed some sound thinking in her response as well.

I volunteered for a suicide crisis line many years ago- the training was extensive and they made a point of debriefing a volunteer who had intense calls. It wasn't really the kind of thing that you could do long term and think it wouldn't affect you.

 

[SophiaGrace]

The danger in this is that sometimes depressed or needy people start becoming more dependent on you because you're showing them compassion , understanding, and allowing them to have center stage.

I volunteered for a suicide crisis line many years ago- the training was extensive and they made a point of debriefing a volunteer who had intense calls. It wasn't really the kind of thing that you could do long term and think it wouldn't affect you.

Do you have any wisdom to share from your volunteer time?

I realize that they will become needy and stuff which is why i only talk to these people through posts, rather than something more instantaneous like instant messenger or phone.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I dont really know how to go about it or do.

Im a suicide survivor,myself from a long time ago.
I hated everyone and everything for bringing me
Back to life. Every breath i took in felt knives
Cutting me. Every step i took.

I could never speak about it to anyone.
No one cares oneway or the other.
The guilt and shame i felt about myself for trying to kill myself.
Becuase its a selfish act.

It was a month before I drove from TX to CA. 21 yrs
ago. KIMI is 21 yrs old today. Renae is her mother.
I love Kimi more than life itself. I dont really care
What people say or think about her.
Whatever Gods plans is.
Kimberly came into this world as who she is.

The irony of life.

---

I drove from CA to TX last month.
Renae, Renae, Renae....

I dont know what to say or what to do.
She loves ne very much.....
She tells me everyday. We hug and kiss everyday.

Shes like me...she dosnt talk about it.
She just dose it......

---

Sometimes i feel like just ending it all.
The dramma, truamma, chaos....it wears on me.
Yes, alcholism and drug abuse runs in my vains.
The abuse, the violent, the madness of it all.
Yes, Kimi is a product of that.

Kimi thinks and acts alot like me.
She also thinks and acts like her mother.

RENAE ABD I ARE BOTH BUCJETS OF JOY

---

Hey....i made a fresia joke.
Its either healing or im covering up my pains.

No im not suicidal today....
Im holding out until 2012.lmao

---

Your right...no one gives a honeysuckle how i feel.
No one really knows how i feel.
No one understands me.
Noone knows what i lived through or going
Through.

Oh fucken well....

I can aways post sexy pics of Renae
And Kimi.
They both live on the cuttimg edge of life.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

Thanks Lonely in BC.
I think you're right as well. It's easy to get in a cycle where all you do is complain and don't actually take action to change your life. If the person gets stuck in a "comfort zone" telling you their pain repeatedly, this has to change. Not just for your sake, but for their own. If you feel no progress takes place, a personal ALONE work (journaling or counseling or both) has to get done by the depressed person, so they find their own answers. Meanwhile, friends should do activities with the depressed person, force them to go out and try new things. This is where online friendships SUCK. The options for "going out together and DO stuff" are freaking limited when all you got is a whole network of online friends. And it's tough to force a friend to go out just by telling them to do it on their own while you can't be there to do it with them. :/

SophiaGrace it's off-topic but I think your wolf artwork is totally awesome.

 

[Lonely in BC]

The danger in this is that sometimes depressed or needy people start becoming more dependent on you because you're showing them compassion , understanding, and allowing them to have center stage.

I volunteered for a suicide crisis line many years ago- the training was extensive and they made a point of debriefing a volunteer who had intense calls. It wasn't really the kind of thing that you could do long term and think it wouldn't affect you.

Do you have any wisdom to share from your volunteer time?

I realize that they will become needy and stuff which is why i only talk to these people through posts, rather than something more instantaneous like instant messenger or phone.

I think responding through posts the way you've chose is quite supportive and your self-awareness that phone conversations or i.m. isn't in your comfort zone is admirable.

The only real suggestions I can make is to limit the amount of advice you would give to someone in that situation. If it comes up encourage them to seek professional help but don't push it. Let them guide the conversation- they want you there to listen. Avoid your personal opinions when giving feedback. Don't be shocked at some of the lurid or intense details you'll hear. If you're feeling uncomfortable with a subject gently try to change it- you'll be helping no one (especially yourself) if you get sucked into the whirlpool of their dispair. For this same reason back away if you feel overwhelmed by the conversation- at the end of the day all you can do is be supportive, you're not there to make decisions. If you have to draw boundaries about subjects or the amount of time you have available do so.

The Samaritans program in the U.K. used to be quite awesome and the group I volunteered loosely followed their format. One of the biggest things I learned was that we all have varying levels of empathy, tolerance, and sense of right or wrong and I suspect being involved aided my personal growth greatly back then.

 

[Drama]

since i cant tell them positive things, what am i supposed to say? that what they're going through is so painful that they cant change it?
or i can stay silent but then they may think i cant hear their pain.
the best thing i can personally do is to try to show them that i actually care about them and that i hope they werent in pain.

but thanks soph for sharin your knowledge with us

 

[freedom]

i couldn't agree with you more.

 

[Pinni]

Usually when someone is hurt, they just want you to sit there and listen, and validate that whatever hurts them, sucks. They don't want to hear "Don't feel like that", they rather would love if someone asked "Why do you feel like that?". Questioning the attitude or feeling can bring them to eventually get to the next level and start finding what truly makes them feel this way, apart from what they complain about. There's always something else, a deeper reason.

I had to register just to thank you.
I've been struggling to find a way to be there for my depressed friends. I'm more orientated to the "So you have a problem, here's the solution", and I realise this is a wrong approach when someone's depressed. I've always listened, but never had words to show that I actually am hearing what is said. Just being there and hugging or holding hand or offering sleeve for the other to wipe their nose on isn't enough.

Question why is the push I've wanted to give.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The best thing to do is to just let them talk, and be an open ear. They need to know that there is someone there for them.

 

[Murmur]

A very good friend of mine volunteers at a suicide hotline for 4 hours a week. I call her when I feel very depressed and low...

I've also been on the other end, where one or two friends of mine have depression issues and I can talk them down from what they may have wanted to do.

It's draining, but absolutely worth it.

 

[Zetsubou-Sensei]

This is a very interesting topic indeed.
I feel I may have been guilty of not listening well enough when people try to tell me their problems - trying to offer solutions when all the person wants is someone to listen to them.
Thanks for posting and replying to this thread, I guess.