Thinking about online dating

[Serenia]

I think there as to be a spark of attraction on the first date.
And that's purely looks.
Don't they say people make their minds up in the first 5 seconds of meeting somebody ?

*Facepalm*

FACEPALM? It's the truth. Everyone does it, even if at a subconscious level.

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I think there as to be a spark of attraction on the first date.
And that's purely looks.
Don't they say people make their minds up in the first 5 seconds of meeting somebody ?

For some people, perhaps. But not for everyone. Sometimes it's their character or personality or charm that sparks the attraction, and those things have got nothing to do with physical appearance at all.

Personally, I think it is ridiculous to make up one's mind about the other person in the first 5 seconds, it's too soon to conclude anything about them.

So you're saying that a relationship can be had with no PHYSICAL attraction whatsoever? You've never gone on a first date and thought "I'm just not physically attracted to him"? I find both hard to believe.

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I haven't been in that situation, except when I had a blind date, I wasn't attracted to him, but that was because he was a total ****. He wasn't ugly. Sometimes a personality can outshine someones appearance.

My best friend has been in a relationship for four years with a man she wasn't physically attracted to at first. But he made her laugh so much she wanted to see him again. She told me one day something just clicked and she found him physically attractive. I think he is fine looking. She called it a slow burn.

When I think of this kind of thing I am reminded of Simon Weston.

 

[jzinsky]

I'm not reading through 11 pages so here goes.

Tinder? Quick and easy. Well it is for me lol, swipe swipe swipe, get bored, get some work done.

Then again I think you might well have a lot more success than me. I just read your profile on here and you sound like a pretty cool person.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

I haven't been in that situation, except when I had a blind date, I wasn't attracted to him, but that was because he was a total ****. He wasn't ugly. Sometimes a personality can outshine someones appearance.

My best friend has been in a relationship for four years with a man she wasn't physically attracted to at first. But he made her laugh so much she wanted to see him again. She told me one day something just clicked and she found him physically attractive. I think he is fine looking. She called it a slow burn.

When I think of this kind of thing I am reminded of Simon Weston.

Then she's in the very small minority. As a previous posted said, it's been studied and proven people make a snap judgement within the first moments of meeting someone. That's why online dating doesn't work unless you are "pretty". People have nothing to base their decision on except for looks.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think there as to be a spark of attraction on the first date.
And that's purely looks.
Don't they say people make their minds up in the first 5 seconds of meeting somebody ?

For some people, perhaps. But not for everyone. Sometimes it's their character or personality or charm that sparks the attraction, and those things have got nothing to do with physical appearance at all.

Personally, I think it is ridiculous to make up one's mind about the other person in the first 5 seconds, it's too soon to conclude anything about them.

So you're saying that a relationship can be had with no PHYSICAL attraction whatsoever? You've never gone on a first date and thought "I'm just not physically attracted to him"? I find both hard to believe.

Yes. I went through it myself, it was never a factor in my previous relationships. I know how most people are. I had a friend who asked me "What the hell are you doing with a guy who looks like that?". There was nothing wrong with how he looked so I debated her about it. She finally came out and said he was just not very good looking and that I could do better than that.

Of course this friend is no longer a friend and I have no contact with her anymore. I just don't consider physical attraction in relationships. I don't care for it. So yes, in my experience, it IS possible.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

I don't care for it. So yes, in my experience, it IS possible.

Possible, yes. I will grant you that.

However, being realistic and taking into account today's society and views, highly unlikely. And if you're unattractive AND overweight? Damn near impossible.

 

[Serenia]

^ I don't think its near impossible. I rate myself a 1 or 2 at best and had relationships. I still firmly believe it is the attitude you put out into the world and I think that can be conveyed in a photograph too.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

^ I don't think its near impossible. I rate myself a 1 or 2 at best and had relationships. I still firmly believe it is the attitude you put out into the world and I think that can be conveyed in a photograph too.

Once you are "in the door" I agree with you. But, it's looks that opens that door in the first place when referring to OLD.

 

[Katerina]

I'm not reading through 11 pages so here goes.

Tinder? Quick and easy. Well it is for me lol, swipe swipe swipe, get bored, get some work done.

Then again I think you might well have a lot more success than me. I just read your profile on here and you sound like a pretty cool person.

Ha I don't blame you for not reading through it, it has gotten pretty long lol. My phone's currently not a smart phone, but it doesn't work that great so I'll bare Tinder in mind when I finally emerge from the phone dark ages

Thanks for the kind words too

 

[there is no hope]

^ I don't think its near impossible. I rate myself a 1 or 2 at best and had relationships. I still firmly believe it is the attitude you put out into the world and I think that can be conveyed in a photograph too.

I think you are selling yourself short, and also that there are a lot of flawed assumptions about what is universally attractive out there. I guess I don't know how you look and what my gut would say, but then I'm me.
It's just different for women anyway, for a lot of reasons. Way different. If you ever really get to know the lives of unattractive men, it should be obvious why, but it's also deeply ingrained in this society and unlikely to change. Not that unattractive women have an easy life by any means, it's just something very different based on what I've managed to figure out; and there are enough men who don't subscribe to strict standards of attractiveness. I am one of them, but then I'm a man that most women don't want to be around, for reasons that are outside of my power (and it's not like I'm entirely unattractive, simply because if I were aggressively unattractive the **** I'd get would be even worse than it was, based on how I saw other unattractive men treated).

Whether people want to admit it or not, being able to date requires consent from society, or else a pairing will face legal action, social ostracism, or worse. If someone believes that each woman or man they meet is an isolated instance, they are fooling themselves and setting themselves up to fail, in one way or another.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

If you ever really get to know the lives of unattractive men, it should be obvious why, but it's also deeply ingrained in this society and unlikely to change. Not that unattractive women have an easy life by any means, it's just something very different based on what I've managed to figure out; and there are enough men who don't subscribe to strict standards of attractiveness.

Absolutely. In my experience, women are definitely more picky when it comes to physical appearance. A great example are men who like overweight women. You hear about "chubby chasers" all the time when it comes to men, but you NEVER hear of women who like overweight men.

 

[there is no hope]

If you ever really get to know the lives of unattractive men, it should be obvious why, but it's also deeply ingrained in this society and unlikely to change. Not that unattractive women have an easy life by any means, it's just something very different based on what I've managed to figure out; and there are enough men who don't subscribe to strict standards of attractiveness.

Absolutely. In my experience, women are definitely more picky when it comes to physical appearance. A great example are men who like overweight women. You hear about "chubby chasers" all the time when it comes to men, but you NEVER hear of women who like overweight men.

I dunno, an obese woman picked an obese man over me. Last I knew they're happy together and probably a better match, and I wasn't overly attached to her. People often do go for people somewhat similar to themselves... that definitely seems to be the case with the few women who came on to me.

That, and women like power. It's the ultimate aphrodesiac.

 

[Batman55]

Whether people want to admit it or not, being able to date requires consent from society, or else a pairing will face legal action, social ostracism, or worse. If someone believes that each woman or man they meet is an isolated instance, they are fooling themselves and setting themselves up to fail, in one way or another.

Not really. I know autistic men and learning disabled men who acquired attractive girlfriends. These are men who do NOT have "good mental hygiene" according to you.

You continue to fill this site with negativity.

 

[there is no hope]

Whether people want to admit it or not, being able to date requires consent from society, or else a pairing will face legal action, social ostracism, or worse. If someone believes that each woman or man they meet is an isolated instance, they are fooling themselves and setting themselves up to fail, in one way or another.

Not really. I know autistic men and learning disabled men who acquired attractive girlfriends. These are men who do NOT have "good mental hygiene" according to you.

You continue to fill this site with negativity.

You continue to fill this site with *********gery. I hate to be the kind of person that makes a point about ignoring someone, but at least it keeps my blood pressure down if I do.

But go ahead, keep running in circles and lying to yourself and others. I've seen this song and dance for about a decade on the internets, and ten years later many of those people are still trapped in the same cycles. I can't claim to be much better, but unlike me, most of those people did have hopes and dreams, and they wasted their energy and time bashing their heads against some of the realities I mentioned. I on the other hand started at pretty much rock bottom, and when I stopped being afraid to believe the truth and trust my own judgement, at least I can live with myself a little better.

The reality of social engineering might be unpleasant, and there is a lot of lies and garbage out there (i.e., the social Darwinist redpillers). I'm not demanding people believe what I say, but I know I'm right on these things.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If you ever really get to know the lives of unattractive men, it should be obvious why, but it's also deeply ingrained in this society and unlikely to change. Not that unattractive women have an easy life by any means, it's just something very different based on what I've managed to figure out; and there are enough men who don't subscribe to strict standards of attractiveness.

Absolutely. In my experience, women are definitely more picky when it comes to physical appearance. A great example are men who like overweight women. You hear about "chubby chasers" all the time when it comes to men, but you NEVER hear of women who like overweight men.

Yes, there are women who prefer chubbier men. I have met some in my years on earth. There are women who prefer skinnier men, buffed up men, short men, tall men - whatever. Same goes for men preferring all sorts of women. You just haven't come across them, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. There's no gender that has it easier here by any means.

 

[Triple Bogey]

What I keep thinking about is - I can't get a date, I never have done. And if it's supposed to be all about personality then I must be a really horrible person.
But I see other men with girlfriends or wives who are mean, moody, rude, aggressive, downright horrible people. Am I worse than them ?
Am I some monster who has no redeeming qualities ?
I must be.

But of course I am nothing of the sort. Most people I know (including women) say I am a nice person.
I know I have many qualities. Kind, honest, interesting, warm hearted, funny, good listener, caring. I could go on.

So the only conclusion is looks are the main thing women are interested in. And because I don't look great. I am not sexy or attractive, that's why I can't get a date.

 

[there is no hope]

I don't think there's a magic bullet to success. I wish I knew.
Being sexy isn't just about having rock-hard abs, but I can figure out that it has nothing to do with niceness. Maybe I'm just messed up but to me there's nothing nice at all about sex.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

There's no gender that has it easier here by any means.

So all things being equal, you don't think it would be easier for a woman to chat up a guy in a bar than it would be if the roles are reversed? I'd wager most men would talk to most any woman that tried to initiate a conversation. Not so the other way around.

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So the only conclusion is looks are the main thing women are interested in. And because I don't look great. I am not sexy or attractive, that's why I can't get a date.

I feel your pain and agree...to a point. I believe looks can take a back seat if the woman starts to fall for the guy's personality, intellect, etc.

That being said, it's hard to get a woman to get to know a guy on that level if she's not physically attracted to him. Hence, a catch-22.

 

[Triple Bogey]

There's no gender that has it easier here by any means.

So all things being equal, you don't think it would be easier for a woman to chat up a guy in a bar than it would be if the roles are reversed? I'd wager most men would talk to most any woman that tried to initiate a conversation. Not so the other way around.

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So the only conclusion is looks are the main thing women are interested in. And because I don't look great. I am not sexy or attractive, that's why I can't get a date.

I feel your pain and agree...to a point. I believe looks can take a back seat if the woman starts to fall for the guy's personality, intellect, etc.

That being said, it's hard to get a woman to get to know a guy on that level if she's not physically attracted to him. Hence, a catch-22.

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I agree, it does seem a catch 22.

 

[there is no hope]

To be honest, if a girl approached me in a bar when I wasn't looking, I'd probably be cold too... because I've totally done that before, even with women I found attractive. Then again I'm not a bar person either.

The scenario is complicated by two things;
- most men are wary of women who ask them out.
- women are generally bad at making proactive approaches

So why are people still thinking personality and "looks" are two seperate things? Personality is every bit as superficial as a pretty face, and most people presume a pretty face and good personality go hand-in-hand. The same goes for intellect, although in practice what people judge is superficial markers of intellect, like social class markers. (Just try to think about the assumptions people make about non-whites in Western society, it's a hell of a lot easier for those here who aren't white to know what that's like.)

 

[LonelyInAtl]

If intellect worked like physical looks, I'd have women lined up at my door....ROFL. I actually had someone I was talking to via OLD a few years ago stop talking to be when she found out I had a PhD in computer science.