What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?

[user 115627]

I have no appropriate reaction to this, but a lot of inappropriate ones.

 

[BreakingtheGirl]

This one song just instantly brought back a rush of heartbroken sadness. It was a true grossly bittersweet 3 mins while the song played on the radio. Haven't heard it in 3-4 yrs. It was a favorite of mine too, but hearing it hurt way too much & unexpectedly. I felt like I jumped back into my suicidal though process/losing my mind about 3 yrs ago. Weird f-ing experience right now, can't explain it. It's like seeing an Ex out of nowhere when you thought you had healed, but seeing them again just shuts you down mentally & physically.

 

[red guy]

Vacation starts in a few hours. woot woot

 

[user 130057]

I remember being 250lbs and having a 44 inch waist. I remember spending all day sitting in bed, playing video games. I remember being unable to run up the stairs without being out of breath...

If you'd told me then that I'd ever be walking around at 170lbs with a 32 inch waist and a love of fitness, I'd have laughed and told you just how wrong you were.

 

[Triple Bogey]

women are nice to me very occasionally. When it happens, it is nice but I also know it never lasts.

 

[coffeeaddict]

I'm feeling annoyed and sad for myself. My 83(?) year old grandfather is visiting. I haven't seen him for 14 years. The first thing he says to me is how many boyfriends do I have. I hate when people ask about my boyfriend or when am I getting married, when am I having kids, and I hear it all the time. I don't even have a boyfriend!

My grandpa keeps talking about guys I should be set up with on the other side of the country where he lives. It's a nice idea except the one he continuously mentions is 11 years younger than me and he wouldn't want old me...yea no. At every opportunity or silence in the conversation, he will bring up guys! He goes to the restroom and tells me I just missed a good-looking guy. Then he says, "you don't have friends who regularly call you or see you?" He could tell since I pathetically have nothing going on this holiday and I'm not attached to my phone like his 2 teenage grandkids are. I said, "no and if you think about it others my age are married or busy with kids." He tells me I should take a hint and do the same. I explain no one asks me out, and he says I should smile when I walk by. I tell him guys today want to mess around, not marry you. He agrees guys these days are bad and the girls are stupid because they just sleep with them.

He married my grandma at 19 and they were together until she died a year ago. Finally I think he *got it* and stopped talking about trying to marry me off. Who is going to marry me when I don't even get a date

 

[Legato]

Listening to music in my bedroom till all hours about 10 years ago. Listened to a few old songs last night and it made me think back. How i wish life was as simple as it used to be

 

[ladyforsaken]

Why is it so hard for me to be angry with you? I think I'm allowed to be pissed of for what you did. This feeling would be reasonable. It was very ******* of you, anyway.

On another thought, dad's 9th year death anniversary is in a few days. It doesn't feel like that long ago though. It still makes me tear up when I think of him. Maybe this is also the reason why I've been feeling quite down lately on top of all the other **** to deal with.. it always seems to be the case during this time of the year anyway.

Ugh, how do I get out of this funk. Well.. work, music, exercise, hospital visits - wait no, not that. I turn depressed each time I walk into the hospital now. How do I make it less depressing? By not going at all. Which, at the moment, is impossible... ****. At least I get to make my own decisions about continuing work. Gotta be grateful enough for that. Not gonna put my life on pause when I just resumed it...

Right, time to crank up the volume and drown these thoughts before they go down that road.

 

[Serenia]

I feel envious of people who have someone else to carry on with the day to day things if you are ill. Like food shopping, fixing meals, taking the bins out, paying bills, making sure pets are fed etc. All you want to do is stay in bed and barely move, but no-one else is there to do those things.

 

[user 115627]

Obviously I can't leave it in this state, there's still unfinished business and I hate that. So what's my next move?

Sometimes it's helpful to seperate the deed from the person executing it (or having executed it). Other times it isn't. Haven't fully made up my mind about that one yet.

 

[kamya]

I feel envious of people who have someone else to carry on with the day to day things if you are ill. Like food shopping, fixing meals, taking the bins out, paying bills, making sure pets are fed etc. All you want to do is stay in bed and barely move, but no-one else is there to do those things.

Yes. I'll never take that for granted should I get to experience that again.

 

[user 115627]

Yeah, that's what the face of a guy looks like who has a lot of things others would envy him for, but he consistently gambles or tosses them away because they don't have the same value to him others would normally assign them. Ain't I in jolly christmas mood.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Why have I been getting things confused and mixed up so much lately? My mind is not clear. Too much is on it yet I want none of it at all.

The fever finally came to visit but I don't think I will mention this to the white-coaters because they will want to probe more. I think that's enough for now. I will just take care of myself for the time being.

Another round of being scoped next month, not exactly looking forward to that but it actually helps to keep a lot of people quiet. It's so stressful to hear people keep telling me what I should or need to do just so they think my life will go on longer if I did. Maybe that's also the reason why I'm under the weather right now.

Sigh.. seems like all I do here is whine.

On a non-whining note, I got quite a number of gifts for Christmas from clients and they know I don't celebrate it but I do in a way, when I wished them and all. So sweet of them though to spare a thought for me, to even personally pop by me or wait for me to be back at the desk just to wish me well since they won't be around till next year.

Life's too short, I just keep telling myself that. This doesn't even link to the paragraph above.. but it's all I'm reminded of lately and it makes me feel grateful for so many things and let go of a lot of negativity and anger.. towards life, luck and people. Life's just too ******* short.

 

[Case]

So, in a few hours, I will be at a family gathering. This is my second family, actually, so while they all welcome me, I have always felt apart. My actual family doesn't often talk to me (nor each other) so this second family is my only opportunity to have fun. But I have anxiety because I have not been doing well lately, and I will have to fake it today. Fake that I am doing okay. Fake that I'm happy. Fake that I'll be having fun. It's not the time to "be real," so I will leave that for another time. I'm just waiting for the first "How are you doing" so I can get the first lie out of the way. And once I leave, I will feel miserable on the drive back. Maybe I should bring happy music with me. Hmm.

 

[Aisha]

Thoughtful. Wistful. Sad. Happy. Grateful.
People can teach you so many lessons, whether you know them or not. Everyone has problems. There is so much you can learn from someone else's story.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I hope a friend of mine lands safely and finds his way to the destination as planned.

Living the dream! Definitely happy for you.

 

[niceguysfinishlast]

Starting to feel a little bit under the weather.

 

[Solivagant]

Post-vacation and post-Christmas blues.

 

[Aisha]

She really did leave all the lights on before going to bed! Hilarious. It's awesome living with someone who scares easily. Although that probably goes both ways. I don't know anyone who jumps higher than me when startled. Maybe that's my hidden talent. hmm..

 

[Serenia]

Feeling so fragile and tender still. 9 days now and everyone else around me has bags of energy.