Feeling, well, not sure how I'm feeling. I have a job interview this week, haven't had one in a long time. I'm glad, and I'm going to try earnestly to get it. But at the back of my mind, I'm worried what will happen to me either way.
If I don't get the job, will I ever be able to get back on my feet again?
But what if I do get it?
I'm afraid that if I do get it, this will be the start of the rest of my life, and it will go something like this - settling into a routine of going to work, coming home mentally fatigued, empty-minded, uninspired, just blank. I'll have nothing to talk about with anyone, and therefore nothing attractive about me. I won't meet anyone, because I'm afraid I'll never get another chance with anyone I actually do want, and my friends don't know anyone, and there's never been anyone I've been interested in on the sites. The days will all just roll into a blur as time passes faster, and I'll be no more interesting, no more inspired, never feeling like doing much of anything, no more attractive from one day to the next, and I'll just go on not getting chances and not meeting anyone until one day my life ends and that's it.
I can't see the future so I don't know for sure what will happen, but I really don't see myself meeting anyone I like on the sites, and I don't see myself meeting anyone I like anywhere else. And I'm going to have a lot less time to try to figure out what I'm doing wrong so I can come off the way I want to, to the ones I want to. Maybe it's just fear talking. But there really hasn't ever been anything to disprove it for me. I don't know.