Went back and read through all of our old messages. Her messages used to fill me with inspiration and joy, but now it seems that since last December, every time we've talked has left me feeling full of sadness and rage. Talking to her used to make me feel like we'd go off and discover the wonders of the universe together....but ever since things changed and she changed, almost everything she says makes me see-saw between being stunned with sadness and twitchingly, violently angry. Towards the end of last year I saw things steadily get worse as she faced some major personal hardships while I was failing to be interesting, failing to bring up new topics to engage ourselves with, and then when that dirty ****** entered the picture, she became someone else entirely. The way she talked, the way she acted changed for the worse. She lost her sweetness, her liveliness, her sparkle. It was like she was not even the same person I'd known all that time.
I realize that I mostly hate her now. I think she really was shiny and special when we first met, but what I hate about her is how easily that ugly, idiotic, white-trash dirtbag was able to change her. How easily she just caved, when any sane woman, hell, any sane person would have seen this guy for the loser he is. If I value myself, which I have to or else I'll never get anything in life, then I shouldn't forgive her for underestimating my value. If I did, that would be the very same "nice guy" weakness that caused this problem in the first place. I know that I SHOULD operate on a principle of, if someone doesn't recognize my worth straight away, no excuses, then they can go to hell. I don't know if I even could forgive her for this, even if she changed her mind about me. She's caused me to spend almost half a year in a state of stupefied sadness, and angrier than I have ever been in my life. I thought I knew what it meant to hate someone with my childhood bullies or when this drunken mob wanted to fight me and my friends in a park once...but that was the mere tip of the iceberg when it comes to what she and this situation have caused me to feel. I can't even believe how opposite her words have made me feel between now and last year. Even reading months-old conversations left me trembling with fury.
But there's still that tiny part of me that hopes this is just a phase, that still remembers how she was and knows that person is still in there somewhere and maybe, just maybe, things will change again in a few years. And if I flip her the finger and delete her, any and all chance to go back to that will be gone forever. I'm hanging on for that 1% of a chance and for the memories of how different we used to be. I know I loved who she was and who she could be again.
