Re-reading our old conversations really sucks. I am seeing all the points I went wrong, all the places where I misrepresented myself as a wuss instead of someone who craves adventure, like her. And the worst part? By the time I met her and things were picking up, I had already been researching attraction for some time. I should have known better and it's my fault things turned out like this. I didn't have to change my interests or beliefs. I just needed to have been going for my hobbies and goals full strength, not complained about anything that wasn't life-and-death, and just not talked like such a pansy. fresia. I'm seeing it all now....in the beginning, I was reserved and detached and she called me awesome and worried about what I thought of her. She tried to qualify herself to me. Then the more she opened up the more I let my guard down and opened up about the stuff in my life, as well as just stalling out, being lazy, not taking care of my necessities or my hobbies and just complaining, relying on her too much to bring up interesting topics instead of bringing up some of my own. And NOT calling her out on things I disagreed with. I was too nice to her, and even after I'd already spent a lot of time reading about "nice guy syndrome". I saw the changes, both in terms of her tone and mine as the months wore on. Man. This was 100% avoidable and 100% my fault. I HAD this, and I blew it.
I should have known that no matter how different she is from most people, let alone most girls, and no matter how much she may have seemed to go out of her way for me, SHE IS STILL A WOMAN AND THE RULES STILL APPLY. fresia. Yet another failure that I could have easily prevented, if I only had been confident like I should be and had my life together on time like I should have in the first place. It didn't matter that some of my interests are childish. All that mattered was that I had the basics covered and presented myself with strength, and lived the values myself that I sought in her. That would have shown her we could be good for each other. I don't know how I'll convince her now, and I have to cross her fingers she'll be free again anyway. This is such a mess and I'm such an idiot. Now I'll have the rest of my life to regret it. I keep hoping if I actually start living these things that I wanted in her, then she'll come around. But it's such a long shot. I have so much damage to undo. The problem is, if I go for someone else I'll just be going back to my comfort zone, where as she could have helped me get out. With someone else, I'll just go back to laziness and the idea that I'm just born to be "beta", because that's why I'm here. It's going to be back to "why try, I'm just going to fail anyway and that's as good as it's going to get".