I am thinking what I can do today to make myself feel better today. Yesterday was a different story. I stayed in bed all day, hardly ate, just drank coffee and watched crap on the internet. I didnt shower or brush my teeth. I spoke to my Mother who told me to keep my chin up!
Life is difficult at the moment. I hate my job (but at least I have one...right?) I am desperate to sell my home and move somewhere else so I can downsize and take some time away from working just to get my head together. I am recovering from an abusive past (my marriage) children who have addictions and who have turned their backs on me (despite good effort from me to help them) The only time I hear from my youngest is if she needs money to buy alcohol. I will never be a grandmother and after 12 years single, it makes me wonder if I will ever be in a loving relationship.
Recently a long standing Male friend who I have been very close to for the last 10 years revealed to me why he had never formally asked me out on a proper date. He said ' You are too old for me'...too old! he is 5 years younger than me....it was like being stabbed in the back! I didn't say anything, I just did what we all do when someone spurns us...I deleted and walked away, not much point saying anything else really!
When I am alone, I am in a safe bubble, albeit lonely and suffocating at times. Some days I find it hard to leave the house, shop for groceries or even look people in the eye. At work I wear a mask, complete my tasks, listen to the office banter of other peoples lives, their vacations, their families, the joy when another and another grandchild is born. I listen to the conversations and feel I cannot join in other than to smile fakely and try to be 'pleased' for people. None of them know what my life is like away from work. They don't know I am a practical recluse, scurrying home to lock my door and press my back against the wall and cry. It is so pathetic.
I called my doctor yesterday as it was such a low day for me. I was told that there were no appointments for over a week and that if I felt suicidal, I need to go to the emergency room.
I'm not going to the emergency room. I did that 3 years ago and felt like a 'specimin' a 'failed human' who was a source of bemusement to the one young doctor and psychiatrist who saw me. When you are of a certain age, you become unimportant to the medical profession. If you are a baby or a child or a young person, you are seen as 'worth saving' when you are in your 50's you are seen as hopeless, told to join a group or get more exercise...hard to do when you don't want to leave the house! I attended talking therapy and whilst it helped for a while, it did not erase my problems...I still have the same ones to this day!
So those are my thoughts! I need to go buy milk and coffee because thats mostly what I do when I am in a funk...I drink coffee...and feel guilt, guilt for not being better, not being able to 'get a grip' and guilt for just breathing the good air...it is truly pathetic!
