RovoR said:
Hi Siku, the last line I wrote was my attempt to let you know I wasn't "mocking" you. I found your outburst refreshing and interesting in the sense that I don't get much bluntness or directness in my life. I hope that makes sense.
You don't need to apologize to me for anything. If it helps you in some way, then feel free. I don't believe you are trying to be hurtful to me in any personal sense.
You mention extremely high morals. What does that mean? Like your personal moral code? Do you apply them to everyone? Have you ever thought about how fluid morals can be?
The world in general does seem to have a way of beating the ever loving crap out of a lot of people. Try to understand that it's not personal. We should take better care of each other, but it's hard to think of others when you yourself are in pain(I'm referring to other people).
When you say your fighting with whatever you have left in you, I'm not sure what you mean by that. Fighting for your identity? Your life? Salvation? Fighting for what?
If you could realistically change one thing about the world, what would you change? What would you change if you were allowed to be unrealistic or even unreasonable?
I hope you found\find something to smile about today.
I'm sorry for taking it wrongly then. I'm apologizing because it's the right thing to do especially in the situation when someone is showing a legitimate interest and only looking to help. Thank you.
To clarify, I know my recent outburst say otherwise but I'm very much a firm believer in treating others how you want to be treated. Diplomacy, Justice, mutual understanding, self-reflection. Things of that nature. Not vices.
I absolutely agree with you. At least, I would've firmly agreed with you when I'm in a better state of mind. I know I'm only excusing my behavior but I've been battered by the world to the point that I've entered my own sense of self-preservation. It's a long story and I'm not necessarily used to being in the hot seat like this. I'm normally in your role, actually. But, I infact did ask for such attention didn't I?
Honestly, I think it's because I'm looking for hope. Anywhere. Even here. And these replies are helping but I'm still rather stubborn at the moment.
Fighting for what I've wanted, I've mentioned it in a Diary post here. Essentially what I give in return from a SO. I'm painfully self-aware of my standards and my intuition that makes it even harder to find an ideal partner. I've got a troubled past that has left me seeking sincerity and over analyzing certain behaviors in potential interests as well as coming to painful terms that I know they don't see me the same way or as a viable option. This pursuit makes it also impossible to settle for friendships. Not to imply that I'm open to compromise or open to new friends but it most definitely takes priority. I've just been through constant rejection, disappointments, emotional abuse, tests of my patience and character, and have been seen wrongly for nearly all of my 30+ years. In my nature I'm more emotional than I am logical or rational. I try my best to work with what I got. I've come to terms that my strengths are infact empathy and feelings and I've learned to embrace them but the biggest draw-back to such a thing as you all clearly see, is it's heeding these angst results. I love the peaks and feel like I'm constantly bottling my love up and it wants out. Without it, I feel like life has no meaning for me.
I've been doing a lot of exploring of my psyche and I think I've been trying to mature my brain entirely too fast. It's peaking areas in me that are hard to ignore. I'm just trying my best to fight for what I know makes me happy and grounded. That is, an anchor I previously had from a SO and I now lack. Perhaps, most of insanity is to due my morals hating my selfish needs. Either way, there's a very real conflict in me with no grounding or balance that I can muster. I cannot do this alone and I know exactly what I need. I've tried alternatives, I've try being more strong willed to no avail. I know myself enough in that regard. And being selfish is my only way to stay more mentally sound. Feeding myself bullshit and bloating an ego. That means projecting it in others to make myself stay cold. I honestly did not mean those words. I was lashing out and again, being selfish. There's very much a lot of members here I love and adore.
I'm a very deep thinker that goes in constant loops, insecurities, anxieties and self-reflection. I'm too self-aware of myself and my foresight is all I think about than I like to. I hope I explained myself enough to be understood. I currently feel hopeless as I am stuck on the present and see a dark and extremely lonely future for myself. It's made me extremely impatient because I know who I am and this is not me. I want to be me again.
What would I change... hmm... That's a rather difficult question if my answer is to only be one because many things come to mind. I'm going to try to keep it as brief and simple as possible then. I'd like to change how everyone sees one another. As equals. And the traits and qualities that should be admired and shared among-st all. Which are empathy, humility, and understanding. Essentially, the power of love and acceptance. Not indifference, greed, or materialism. Understanding that hate and resentment only breeds the same. And think higher, not lower. Understand why that person is what they are rather than being quick to assume they're just inherently evil. I personally feel that's what's hindering humanity's growth and our disregard to fellow life. Yeah... sorry... couldn't keep it to one lol.
I most certainly have been uplifted. It's because of these replies. Thank you.
Case in point, Siku. Judging by your track record here (I've been around long enough) you're a person who cares and puts a lot of thought what they're saying and posting - perhaps too much. But it's not in your interest to go balls out and stop giving a honeysuckle just to find that sweet spot of equilibrium. People in your environment who are actual (ab)users may call you out on supposed selfishness because you're finally looking out for yourself, but you don't want to alienate every other person in the process. Just saying. Nothing wrong with being vigilant, but walk it back a bit. You don't want to overcorrect.
I greatly appreciate the acknowledgement and backing my integrity. It means a great deal to me. You're absolutely right, I over compensate often and I am most certainly alienating people purposely. I'm self-destructive and finding excuses to push everyone away in order to not feel anymore as I am going through unbearable anguish in myself. Now, even worse as I'm doing it alone.
It hurts to let anyone in, it hurts to not have anyone. And it hurts to not have my compass/anchor.
Thanks for listening and provoking this out of me. It's helping. I just know it's only temporary again. I'm going to try my best to hold on to this.
...i hope .
