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I'm so excited!!! Tomorrow I see the therapist. He tells me about the test results and If I may have schizotypal pd, next to that he tells me If I can Join the DBT-therapy program for my BPD.
 
Imagine, giving someone your heart for them to just stand up and ******* piss on it, like the ******* man they are. Honestly, I wish I was a man sometimes, with no emotions and no ******* care... about anything but my balls.
 
Sometimes I wish I COULD just be an engineer, or a finance guy, or some other person only interested in facts, numbers, the real world. That's the kind of person this world is suited to, that I am not.

It would be a hell of a lot easier to know what to do with my life, and to make money. I could just do that set of tasks over and over, stack paychecks, get promotions, just be singularly focused on being the best at that one thing. Then I might even be one of those people who's doing alright, and doesn't understand how anyone could be having a problem with the way things are, because I can't and don't care to see things from outside my own experiences, while seeing double in my Corvette. Crunch numbers, get shitfaced. Crunch numbers, get shitfaced. Throw some video games and Netflix in there, and that would be my life. There wouldn't be time for anything else, and if I was this kind of person, I wouldn't care anyway.

I still wouldn't have much of a personality though, as I would probably be as dry and emotionless as the stuff I'd be working on - and I'd probably struggle to hold a conversation and get nowhere with women as a result. I wouldn't have any thoughts or ideas about anything outside of work and what I consume for entertainment -
neither of which is truly "me".
That's the thing, if this was my life, there would be no "me".
And I don't know what I would do about it, either.
 
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Sometimes I wish I COULD just be an engineer, or a finance guy, or some other person only interested in facts, numbers, the real world. That's the kind of person this world is suited to, that I am not.

It would be a hell of a lot easier to know what to do with my life, and to make money. I could just do that set of tasks over and over, stack paychecks, get promotions, just be singularly focused on being the best at that one thing. Then I might even be one of those people who's doing alright, and doesn't understand how anyone could be having a problem with the way things are.

I still wouldn't have much of a personality though, as I would probably be as dry and emotionless as the stuff I'd be working on - and I'd probably struggle to hold a conversation and get nowhere with women as a result.
And I don't know what I would do about it, either.
Actually people are accepting of only one sort of person. Everyone else is mostly ignored or outright discarded. People like people that can trigger their emotions. Singers. Actors. Even the gifted gabber that runs for office.

The funny thing is, those brilliant engineers that give us computers and phones and gadgets are rarely acknowledged. The people that make our lives easier are seldom appreciated. But get a part in a movie and entertain for 2 hours, or sing a three minute song, or run a ball the length of a field, or promise to give you your favorite politics and they are showered with millions and fanfared into fame and fortune.

You don't have to deliver anything tangible. It's all about the emotions you can invoke in someone else. Without that you don't even get noticed.
 
Actually people are accepting of only one sort of person. Everyone else is mostly ignored or outright discarded. People like people that can trigger their emotions. Singers. Actors. Even the gifted gabber that runs for office.

The funny thing is, those brilliant engineers that give us computers and phones and gadgets are rarely acknowledged. The people that make our lives easier are seldom appreciated. But get a part in a movie and entertain for 2 hours, or sing a three minute song, or run a ball the length of a field, or promise to give you your favorite politics and they are showered with millions and fanfared into fame and fortune.

You don't have to deliver anything tangible. It's all about the emotions you can invoke in someone else. Without that you don't even get noticed.
I worked out pretty early in life that a woman is more likely to give her number to a guy carrying a guitar case than a man holding a gym bag.
 
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