@CenotaphGirl @TheSkaFish
I have a hard time navigating quotations on my crappy phone, so I'm tagging for simplicity.
This is probably more directed towards Ska, as I follow him closely and enjoy most of what he says.
If I had one wish for you, it would be that you could find a way to just say what you need to say, and be done with it. I know how rough it can be to not feel heard, and it can get to the point that you are repeating yourself for others who really don't give a honeysuckle. If they did, they would have recognized it early on. For the most part, I think you are talking to ghosts. And talking to ghosts won't make them tolerate you or even care more. And if they did suddenly change, they probably won't come back to validate your points.
I see you both, and I hear you both. We aren't on best friend basis, but I just want you to know that no matter how pissed off you are at this site or at people, that I respect you. And my inbox is always open, no judgement if you want to rant.
That's the thing - if I could say what I needed to say, I could be done with it.
But what I need to say, my truth on this issue, is extremely offensive. So I can't say it. But it's how I truly feel.
Most civilized people wouldn't like it but if I said I could be nice about it I'd be lying.
I feel like a muzzled animal at the very end of a taut leash, ears tucked back, hair raised, clawing at the ground and snarling, but unable to get free. I not only feel not heard, but that I can't talk at all - like I'm screaming with all my might but no sound is coming out.
Long story short, I re-"triggered" myself and got myself mad putting information I shouldn't be aware of or care about, in my head. It's my own fault I guess. It got to the point where I could feel myself radicalizing myself, I can see how it happens. I could feel myself thinking myself insane, pouring more fuel on my own fire.
But yeah. I know I'm repeating myself, yelling at ghosts, and don't really have a point other than I want to get even, I can't, and it bothers me. I feel wronged and I guess that's why this hasn't gone away, and I've always felt both a strong sense of justice, and a strong desire for revenge against people that I feel have wronged me.
I guess in this case I should just be glad they are gone, and that I never have to interact with or even think about them again, and that if I do hate-search them online, I'm just making myself mad and there's no reason to do it, and just be done with it that way.
I looked up on reddit the other day about what to do when you're so mad at someone that you hate them, and one person's post stuck out to me - it said they were able to let it go, by realizing that they loved themselves, more than they hated the other person, and that realization made them feel it wasn't worth throwing their own life away after all.
As far as the site goes, I haven't really been mad at it in a while. In fact it's been pleasant. And I like being here more than hating people. I like the people I like, more than I dislike those I don't, who aren't even here anymore anyway, and haven't been for some time. So maybe I need to do that.
Thanks again for making me feel heard Amy. I appreciate it.