What are you thinking right now?

[TheSkaFish]

Sometimes I think, "surely I can do better than this, d*mn it!"

Other times I worry that I can't do better, and that this is just going to be my life now, there's nothing I can do.
I worry that I'm a victim of bad genetics, and therefore I'm incapable of success.
And/or that I messed up my one and only chance to get into a life that doesn't suck.
Either way, if that's the case, then I'm not sure I want to continue.
There's not much point, as I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything again. Continuing would just be prolonging my misery, for no reason, no payoff, nothing, just to keep living a life I hate for no end or purpose.
Sometimes it feels like it really doesn't make any sense to go on.

I need to be able to do better, to have enough of a reason to keep going besides just the fear of oblivion.
A life I hate, or oblivion - what a choice.
I can only hope that I missed something, and it's still possible to get into a better life than this.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Show me what love is
Show me what trust is

Tell them hoes you’re spoke for

 

[TheSkaFish]

Imagine a world where men dont want to impress women, women dont want to impress men for fear of being taken advantage of, no one makes any gesture to show their romantic interest… they would rather pick at the unfairness. Thats love… love is not fair… it’s sacrifice and without it you’ll always question what someone really thinks about you, what you really mean to them.

take a risk, make a move… just dont die alone for a principle

This is a very valid point, that I wish I understood earlier.
I didn't want to impress women (or anyone else) as a kid, because I thought, I'm not in life to kiss other people's ass, other people don't own me, I don't want to act subservient and submissive to them, I don't want to play their game just so I can lose at it anyway.

But impressing people is kind of how it all works. Picking at the unfairness just leaves you frozen out.
It's not that I like that life isn't fair, the way some people seem to - I hate it.
It's more that I realized that I always had to do a little extra, when compared to my peers, in pretty much all areas of life.
I picked at the unfairness instead of just doing it.
And I realized that, I'd rather have what I want, than the feeling of being "right".
It's no consolation when you're by yourself.

 

[user 135671]

Here's to the girl who would rather wear jeans than a dress, who puts her hair up in a messy bun most days, who gets lost in her thoughts, who overthinks, who cares too much about someone, who is a real friend, who doesn't flirt with every cute guy, who's a warrior.

Who isn't one of the "popular kids", who always has music playing, who stays up all night, who is weird in public and who is herself no matter what people say.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Here's to the girl who would rather wear jeans than a dress, who puts her hair up in a messy bun most days, who gets lost in her thoughts, who overthinks, who cares too much about someone, who is a real friend, who doesn't flirt with every cute guy, who's a warrior.

Who isn't one of the "popular kids", who always has music playing, who stays up all night, who is weird in public and who is herself no matter what people say.

Bada**. Here's to her My kind of girl.

 

[user 135671]

Bada**. Here's to her My kind of girl.

Mate! I just bloody wish there was one in my little corner of the world

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Randomguy has me in the mood to celebrate myself…


Here's to Princess Ceno!

The girl who isn't afraid of controversy, the girl who isn't overly sensitive, the girl with the body of a super model but the heart of a lion… the girl with the brains and the hotness! The girl who needs a man to take the spiders out, the girl who loves children and helping neurodiverse people the girl on her laptop in starbucks, with an engagement ring on her finger and blond extensions in her hair…The girl who is too rich to learn how to spell

Here’s to me! Here’s to all women like me and the opposite, you all make the world so interesting!

 

[4No1]

Has anyone seen my motivation? It's got lost, now I miss it.
The same with my bank card Maybe there are out together?

 

[user 135671]

Here’s to me! Here’s to all women like me and the opposite, you all make the world so interesting!

I'll drink to that Princess it's your round

 

[TheSkaFish]

Man I even miss the late '00s, early '10s now.
2015 was my last good year. And I spent a lot of it thinking about nonsense.

 

[ardour]

It feels like the no-one really notices who wins and loses any more. Life's humiliations have humbled former school bullies. People are more polite - the 'race' is over I guess - but with it goes all the energy, fun, spontaneity as well. Now all that's left is a slow crawl into senescence.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It feels like the no-one really notices who wins and loses any more. Life's humiliations have humbled former school bullies. People are more polite - the 'race' is over I guess - but with it goes all the energy, fun, spontaneity as well. Now all that's left is a slow crawl into senescence.

I don't know. I imagine it's kind of nice to not have to worry about the race anymore, and to be able to focus on just doing things because you want to, or because it's the right thing to do.

But I try not to keep tabs on people I don't like, because I don't want to pollute my mind with knowledge of their lives - it's irrelevant to me, and no sense spending time thinking about people I don't like.

At the same time though, life's humiliations seem to have largely missed the bullies that I grew up with.
Would it be nice to see some of them get their comeuppance?
Well, let's just say I wouldn't shed any tears over it.
But is it going to happen?
Probably not. I imagine they'll continue coasting through life, always getting their way and being given everything without any pain, conscious mental effort, or sacrifice required of them, right up to the end.

Anything to do with money is pretty much their domain, unless I build a company in my garage which is unlikely since I don't feel like I have much interest in or aptitude for real-world things, and there isn't just ONE thing I love that I want to do over and over and I don't care about anything else. The only way I can see myself "beating" them, is if I can be a more interesting person by being better than them at an interesting skill, or having more interesting ideas/a more interesting mind, having more personality than them (not that that's my sole motivation for those things, it's a side goal at best). They're all kind of carbon copies - work in business, drink, watch the big game, you know the drill.

And even if life does humiliate them, that's why pride is so important to me - maybe life will humiliate them one day, but for me, my life was already humiliation by default. I never got to have any pride for life to take away in the first place. It's paramount to me that I get some pride and defend it with my life. I don't want to live and die a loser, if a loser is what I was going to be then I wish I was never born in the first place. I don't want to be forced to accept a life without pride. Without pride I don't think I want to keep living at all, cause nothing takes the edge off besides constant drinking and drugging, and I don't want to go down that road.

But getting pride, or being allowed to have pride, having a justification for pride, takes getting good at something, which I don't know if I can do -
hence why I worry about genetics and talent all the time.
If I can't get good, I can't escape limitation, inferiority, low status and humiliation - what is for me, hell.

I can only hope it's not too late for me to get my life together in Act 2.

 

[4No1]

why I worry about genetics and talent all the time.

But genetics is only 50% of a success, I think you shouldn't worry about it, because it's something you can't change. So we all have to deal with what we have. And also because I don't think there is smth really wrong with yours. You can write, you can read, write and read the texts, not just the words, you can make the conclusions. Nothing wrong's with you looks as well. Talent, well, I dunno, but I think talent is a rare thing.

I can relate to your feelings though, I'm not good, I can't reach a "like all normal person" border (whatever "normal" are, whatever I think they are).
Do you know, what is your "get good" means exactly? I think sometimes about where is mine line for being "normal", and I have no answers. Sometimes I think maybe there is a talent to have no talent and live with it.

 

[Abstamyous]

I get a headache when I put my hair up into a bun (just the curse of thick locks I guess). Messy ponytail tends to be my go to.

 

[user 135671]

Messy ponytail tends to be my go to.

Me too lately, we're classy and badass

 

[user 135671]

I just watched an episode of 'The Bionic Woman' titled 'Fembots in Las Vegas', I feel a wee bit cheated, it wasn't as exciting as it sounds.

 

[akakoom]

wishing I had a S.O. Someone to hold, feel their warmth...

 

[Serenia]

She wouldn't be proud, I know I'm a failure.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Reading some of the above posts, reminded me of this comedy bit by Maria Bamford, lol. Lemme see here...

 

[okidoke]

wishing I had a S.O. Someone to hold, feel their warmth...

You also need them to reciprocate your needs, feelings, desires, interests, etc. Without at least those things, it’s an empty relationship that eventually leaves you miserable. I wish you luck.