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When is enough, enough?

I don't even know what to aim for anymore.

I get beaten by guys with a life.

I get beaten by guys with by their own admittance, no f*cking life.

Even someone like that, can just say some bullsh*t and make someone go from seeing me as "you're so wonderful Ska" to "dead to me" in days.
I'm not just mad about that, I'm dumbstruck.
Like, knock over the desk and shrug, "I don't f*cking know, man".

What the hell am I supposed to be then? It doesn't seem to matter.

I must really suck, if literally anyone can beat me, anyone can show me up and make it like I don't exist.
I feel more unimpressive than anyone in the world.

I'm just so f*cking tired.
 
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Had a good weekend. Went shopping with mom as Jackie yesterday. Bought me a couple dresses and a gown in green. Mom spotted the gown. I also bought a couple pairs heels that said my name on them. Mom bought a dress
 
Just learned that Melody Beattie passed away on February 27.

Her daily reader, "The Language of Letting Go" has been a great tool in my sobriety.

Thank you for the joy, beautiful lady. Rest in peace.

Accepting Ourselves (March 3)

While driving one day, a woman's attention focused on the license plate of the car ahead. The license read: B WHO UR. How can I? she thought. I don't know who I am!

Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves, or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others?

We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.

We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.

To be who we are means we accept our past - our history - exactly as is.

To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs - for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and our strengths.

To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are in recovery means we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate our history and ourselves.

Being whom we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.

Today, I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that exciting discovery.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

 
Although, I don't get lonely, it's actually going to be a lot more lonely on here without my special person here. But, that's okay, I still have access to him. ❤️
 

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