Sometimes there are moments that cause me to question just what I am worth to anyone outside of my family and long-time friends, those who value me unconditionally or pretty close to it. I wonder if I have ever really mattered to anyone outside of those groups. It really makes me feel like my personality is weak and ineffectual. It makes me question my ability to actually connect with someone. Can I learn to be deeper, stronger, exciting, and vibrant, can I make enough of an impact on someone where I actually matter to them, like they did to me? Or is it as I feared, where I am just stuck playing a role that I've always wanted to break free of and that's just it?
I just wish I knew how I could make myself, both in a way that I would like, and in a way that would enable me to make them feel how they made me feel - excited, alive. I want so badly to be like them, to be on their level. I want to be to them what they were to me. They were always the ones I wanted to go on an adventure with. The ones I always hoped to meet but didn't even know if anyone like that existed. They kick-started my sense of curiosity and wonder and a feeling that maybe there was more, I could do more, be more, experience more. Maybe I could shed my old role and be what I always wanted to.
