Why Don't You Just Have One

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What do I have to lose?

Any confidence I have left, that's what. I am not that great looking (nerdy looking), so I probably would get my heart stamped on.

And to be honest, I'd rather be alone than hurting again. The last time I had my heart stamped on, last year, I felt like crap. Never again.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No one is going to be able to convience u other wise. U simply run addvertizement in ur own head more than anyone else.

Being lonely. Misserable N depressed is also suppose to be painful as ****.
Until u have had enough of this type pain...your not going to change corse..

When you have had enough...ur simply advertize in ur own head..."**** THAT BEING LONELY N DEPRESSED ****...NOT AGAIN EVER AGAIN"....

 

[brickinthewall]

I guess in theory it sounds pretty easy , go out , have a good time , meet someone , get past your fears , etc. However like others have said , in time fear builds up and I'm sure some people have serious reasons for it.

I'll give myself as an example. I can't say I have it too bad right now because I'm actually finding a way to cope with myself and the way I am.I never had a relationship (yeah I know...) , only ever loved someone from the bottom of my heart once and I still do.That obviously didn't end well at all ( if it did I probably wouldn't be here now) and ever since I've been having a real hard time communicating with people in general , not just women.

I honestly tried moving on , I asked girls out and every time I did ,I got friend zoned (until I stopped trying). I've come to the point where I've given up on "going out and doing something about it" because frankly I'm tired of being rejected and most of all I'm tired about having to hear girls cry about what pricks their boyfriends are , or who they want to hook up with next , because that's what friend zone will do to you.

In conclusion : while it does sound easy , it is not and I admire you for standing up and trying to do something about it and I wish you the best of luck.

PS: sorry for wall of text , I am very new to this forum and I have about 7 years of emotional issues built up in me because I don't usually talk about my personal life with anyone but this seems to be helping so expect a lot of venting from me in future and current threads , thank you!

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Nina: Yeah I hate those people too. The victim offers plenty of comfort and support in gracious bursts. I completely understand the venting stuff. I am just as guilty of it as any peron on this forum. I guess my mind is just asking "What have you done to make the situation better". As one person, who felt no sympathy for me said "Stop telling me how you are failing. Tell me how you are going to succeed".

@spectacles: You do not fall into the category of this thread then. You have at least tried. It is far easier to respect someone who has tried. Then again, if you are failing and are not trying new methods it is hard to respect you. Thanks, I hope that my attitude reaches some people.

@LeaningIntoTheMuse: If you confidence is low, then why not build it back up? I can say I am pretty sterotypical geek looking guy. I intend to change that. It is really weird how doing small things for yourself can make you feel so much better about yourself.

As for getting your heart stepped on, I can agree it sucks. However, does someone who is not willing to take that chance really deserve happiness with another?

@brickinthewall: I just get depressed to see how so many people let fear control them. I am all to familar with the fear safety blanket. I know fear is hard to conquer. There are plenty of things to fear out there. I just do not think having your heart broken should be one of those. Then again that is just me.

Again, you are not my target demographic friend. You have at least tried. Going outside is not a promise of success. But staying in is a promise to failure. Not to be rude, but have you ever considered changing your tactic for wooing females? I mean you know how to land in the friend zone. Why not try something different? That is another thing that annoys me to no end. People who continue to do the same thing that brings them failure time and again. However, that is just me.

 

[brickinthewall]

@Nina: Yeah I hate those people too. The victim offers plenty of comfort and support in gracious bursts. I completely understand the venting stuff. I am just as guilty of it as any peron on this forum. I guess my mind is just asking "What have you done to make the situation better". As one person, who felt no sympathy for me said "Stop telling me how you are failing. Tell me how you are going to succeed".

@spectacles: You do not fall into the category of this thread then. You have at least tried. It is far easier to respect someone who has tried. Then again, if you are failing and are not trying new methods it is hard to respect you. Thanks, I hope that my attitude reaches some people.

@LeaningIntoTheMuse: If you confidence is low, then why not build it back up? I can say I am pretty sterotypical geek looking guy. I intend to change that. It is really weird how doing small things for yourself can make you feel so much better about yourself.

As for getting your heart stepped on, I can agree it sucks. However, does someone who is not willing to take that chance really deserve happiness with another?

@brickinthewall: I just get depressed to see how so many people let fear control them. I am all to familar with the fear safety blanket. I know fear is hard to conquer. There are plenty of things to fear out there. I just do not think having your heart broken should be one of those. Then again that is just me.

Again, you are not my target demographic friend. You have at least tried. Going outside is not a promise of success. But staying in is a promise to failure. Not to be rude, but have you ever considered changing your tactic for wooing females? I mean you know how to land in the friend zone. Why not try something different? That is another thing that annoys me to no end. People who continue to do the same thing that brings them failure time and again. However, that is just me.

Uhh. I posted this before I posted in the new members forum so you might want to read that for more details. Yeah I've tried but now I've mostly given up because I don't want a meaningless relationship and because I still have strong feelings for one person.

But to answer the other question. I can't see myself doing things differently , this is what represents me and to do anything differently would be being fake. If someone can't like me for who I am and the way I am , why even bother?

 

[Mary Mary]

But to answer the other question. I can't see myself doing things differently , this is what represents me and to do anything differently would be being fake. If someone can't like me for who I am and the way I am , why even bother?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding like I did before; but instead of accepting humanity for what it is, you expect everyone else on the planet to conform to you. The fact is socializing and dating is governed by a lot of subconscious processes, and you expect people to change things about themselves that they aren't even aware of. Socializing and dating does involve a lot of silliness, but it's how we're designed for some reason. I think it's more productive to just accept what you can't change (humanity as a whole) and change what you can (yourself).

Also, doing things differently isn't being a fake when your original actions aren't producing the result that you want. It's being smart. To keep doing the same thing that causes you pain when you can do something different doesn't sound very logical to me.

 

[brickinthewall]

But to answer the other question. I can't see myself doing things differently , this is what represents me and to do anything differently would be being fake. If someone can't like me for who I am and the way I am , why even bother?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding like I did before; but instead of accepting humanity for what it is, you expect everyone else on the planet to conform to you. The fact is socializing and dating is governed by a lot of subconscious processes, and you expect people to change things about themselves that they aren't even aware of. Socializing and dating does involve a lot of silliness, but it's how we're designed for some reason. I think it's more productive to just accept what you can't change (humanity as a whole) and change what you can (yourself).

Think it's a misunderstanding yet again.

I don't want anyone to change for me , actually , that's the last thing I want. All I'm saying is that I don't want to be someone else just so that people would like me. This is who I am , I don't feel good doing things I don't enjoy or I don't like just for the sake of having a relationship or making friends. While I am not a very social person and I am rather difficult I have managed to make one friend that didn't have to change anything about himself and I didn't have to change anything about myself (yes apparently these things do exist).

So please do not take it the wrong way , while I am a very selfish person I do not want to interfere with or change anyone.

 

[NOAH_FX]

But to answer the other question. I can't see myself doing things differently , this is what represents me and to do anything differently would be being fake. If someone can't like me for who I am and the way I am , why even bother?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding like I did before; but instead of accepting humanity for what it is, you expect everyone else on the planet to conform to you. The fact is socializing and dating is governed by a lot of subconscious processes, and you expect people to change things about themselves that they aren't even aware of. Socializing and dating does involve a lot of silliness, but it's how we're designed for some reason. I think it's more productive to just accept what you can't change (humanity as a whole) and change what you can (yourself).

Think it's a misunderstanding yet again.

I don't want anyone to change for me , actually , that's the last thing I want. All I'm saying is that I don't want to be someone else just so that people would like me. This is who I am , I don't feel good doing things I don't enjoy or I don't like just for the sake of having a relationship or making friends. While I am not a very social person and I am rather difficult I have managed to make one friend that didn't have to change anything about himself and I didn't have to change anything about myself (yes apparently these things do exist).

So please do not take it the wrong way , while I am a very selfish person I do not want to interfere with or change anyone.

You don't have to change who you are, or try to act like someone your not. I think what their trying to say, is their may be certain behaviour's, maybe even one's that your not aware of, that cause you to be "Friend Zoned".

For example confidence. Alot of people on this board say women want strong men who are ripped, this show's they are strong and therefore a protector, hunter gatherer figurehead. However in life i've seen ugly fat men, who are just comfortable who they are. They are confident in what they know, in their ability to govern their own lives. When you look them in the eyes they look right back at you, maybe smile wave, glare.. It depends on their paticular personality. But when you look at someone and they avert their eyes, or mumble something under their breathe, this shows a lack of confidence, your subconciously saying "This person's better than I am". They know it, you know it, and you feel dejected.. Thats not "who" you are, it's just a certain behaviour trait. One someone can change..

Not saying that's who you are, but i hope you can kind of see where im going with it.

NO ONE, is better than you, unless you let them.

 

[brickinthewall]

Yeah I see where you're going Noah and I pretty much understand.

Just a little off topic though. Anyone notice how women are associated with deadly predators that can sense and see fear in your eyes?lol

 

[Mary Mary]

But to answer the other question. I can't see myself doing things differently , this is what represents me and to do anything differently would be being fake. If someone can't like me for who I am and the way I am , why even bother?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding like I did before; but instead of accepting humanity for what it is, you expect everyone else on the planet to conform to you. The fact is socializing and dating is governed by a lot of subconscious processes, and you expect people to change things about themselves that they aren't even aware of. Socializing and dating does involve a lot of silliness, but it's how we're designed for some reason. I think it's more productive to just accept what you can't change (humanity as a whole) and change what you can (yourself).

Think it's a misunderstanding yet again.

I don't want anyone to change for me , actually , that's the last thing I want. All I'm saying is that I don't want to be someone else just so that people would like me. This is who I am , I don't feel good doing things I don't enjoy or I don't like just for the sake of having a relationship or making friends. While I am not a very social person and I am rather difficult I have managed to make one friend that didn't have to change anything about himself and I didn't have to change anything about myself (yes apparently these things do exist).

So please do not take it the wrong way , while I am a very selfish person I do not want to interfere with or change anyone.

I can see that. If you really just don't enjoy it, or if it just doesn't seem right, I do think you should respect yourself.

Not conforming to social standards with the acceptance of the ramifications is definitely a viable option. As a matter of fact, many spiritual people have like Francis of Assisi, Ghandi, the Dali Lama have done that; however, they refused to partake of the silliness of social interaction with the understanding that the sacrifice was withdrawal from the world; but they consciously chose that, which is why they were happy with their choices.

What do you think?

 

[brickinthewall]

Well I never said I'm completely unhappy with the way I am. Although at times I wish things would change I have more or less accepted myself the way I am and I'm also prepared to go on like this. If anything good comes along I definitely won't turn my back to it and I'm also willing to make sacrifices for it , but only if I really think it's worth it.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@brickinthewall: I can understand exactly how you feel. I guess it is how you look at things. I do not see it as changing myself. I see It as evolving. I am still myself under it all. I have just made some improvements.

I can also respect that you are still in love with someone. I went through a similar thing. Through those feelings I realized that I was no longer in control of my own life. I was giving control to someone else. When I started to cease control I started to feel happier

I find myself, asking a lot of questions my dad used to ask me. Are you afraid to change because you are afraid you will enjoy it? Another question to ponder. If your relationship ended how would remaining the same get your girl back? She is not attracted to the old you. The new you might be more attractive to her. If not... well the new you might be attractive to others. I always ask what do you have to lose? If you are depressed, I cannot see you losing much.

As for having something meaningful. How can you know what is meaningful if you do not have something meaningless? How do you that there won't be any meaning? How do you know that meaning won't come with time?

I think you get my point. I will stop now that I am rambling. Sorry for the delayed response.

 

[WishingWell]

AFrozenSoul...I have been alone for 7 years now...and it isn't because I want to be! When I separated from my husband who since died, I had to move into my Sister's Family's home in the suburbs. We are on a dead end street with all neighbors married and not very friendly, which adds to the fact that I have no friends. I don't drive (epilepsy), and this flippin' place is too far away from anywhere to walk to and too far from any public transportation. And, even if it wasn't, where would I go to meet someone...to a bar? I am done with that scene. I have tried a Singles site and had several dates, but I have another problem, I have a "mental illness" for which I have been disabled for and haven't been able to work since 1985. As soon as a guy finds that out, he wants nothing to do with me.

I know this message sounds like I am angry with you, but I am not. I am angry with my situation, and I am just trying to express to you that for some people to just go out and get into a relationship, is nearly impossible.

I doubt very much someone is ever going to come to my door and ask me out! LOL! I have to laugh at my situation so I don't cry!

 

[SophiaGrace]

It's too much work. I don't feel like trying to pander to someone else. I just want to live with me and my own expectations, and my family's. believe me, that's enough for me for now. What's more, I doubt that I know what love really is anymore.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@WishingWell: We all have our difficulties to overcome. That is all I can really say. You know what hurdles you have to overcome. The question is how do you overcome them? You succeeded once, you can succeed again. You just have to remember why everything worked.

 

[WishingWell]

AFrozenSoul,

Thank you for your response.

I do have difficulties to overcome/hurdles to get over--just like everyone else.

In my case, AT THIS TIME, there is no chance of me moving out on my own or having the opportunity to meet new people. The reason I had a lot of friends before is that I was living in a city with people all around me. When I split up with my husband, since I couldn't afford my own apartment, I had no choice but to move in with my Sister in the suburbs, where here nothing is around me. As far as my illness goes, I deal with it on my own, and I am a very positive person. The fact remains I will never be able to work again so there are some hurdles that just can't be gotten over. Believe me I am the type of person that is a go getter--where there is a will there is a way...AT THIS TIME, I am just stuck in my situation.

Please, don't misunderstand either of my posts. I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me; I hate that. All I am doing is stating facts and explaining my situation.

Someday things may change. Who knows? Anything is possible. But for now, what is, IS.

 

[suckaG]

even though I don't really complain about this issue (and definately don't whine) I would say that what holds me back most is flat out fear. of rejection, failure, messing things up, take your pick.

but oh well. I can think of 8 million worse fates than being single.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@SophiaGrace: Hmmm... missed this one barely. Anyway who says that you have to pander to someone else? Why not let someone else do the pandering?

@suckaG: Fear prevents us from learning and growing. If you never fail, how can you expect to ever learn?

 

[suckaG]

@suckaG: Fear prevents us from learning and growing. If you never fail, how can you expect to ever learn?

good point. but failure might also just work to reinforce my fears.

hopefully I would attempt and succeed rather than fail ether way though. I just have to get myself to a point of attempting in general.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@suckaG: True, but if you fail you have an excuse to believe your fears. I would rather have someone justify to to me why they are scared with experience.