30 And Never Had A Girlfriend, Too Ugly?

[Forgottendanfan]

Only speaking for myself...I believe my issue is that I have an abnormally small head.
Within the standard deviation, yes, but still very small.
And I believe there is a genetic response for females to see this and believe small head == small brain == not a good provider & protector.

But...at least I have a lucrative career and the escorts don't care at all about my small head...I get laid...if not loved...

Looking around at some of the specimens who do manage to get partners and procreate, I don't think brain size matters much at all.

 

[Claudia1794]

Looking around at some of the specimens who do manage to get partners and procreate, I don't think brain size matters much at all.

Or looks. Im not smart or good looking and I've never had a problem.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Or looks. Im not smart or good looking and I've never had a problem.

I'd imagine women tend to have an easier time when it comes to dating and relationships. Men generally need to be more proactive and do the approaching, asking out etc. Some of us aren't cut out for that and end up on the shelf.

 

[Claudia1794]

I'd imagine women tend to have an easier time when it comes to dating and relationships. Men generally need to be more proactive and do the approaching, asking out etc. Some of us aren't cut out for that and end up on the shelf.

I realize that. Had I not been so me I may have never had some of my experiences because Im not what most
people would pursue. That's all I meant.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

I realize that. Had I not been so me I may have never had some of my experiences because Im not what most
people would pursue. That's all I meant.

Oh yes, I wasn't criticising you at all.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Interesting. Have you any idea what it might be about your face that you think makes it less than ideal? I'm just curious. I've been referred to as "ugly" a fair few times too, over the years and although I'd be reluctant to call myself ugly per se, I do have a couple of less than desirable features, such as a large hooked nose and being marginally overweight.

I really have no idea. It's been that way throughout my life, through a variety of haircuts and styles, that just seems to be one of those things. While I wouldn't point to my features as "model worthy", there's no obvious thing that I would point to.

You cant be serious! People said you are alright from the neck down!?! Thats appalling… not sure whats worse that or my “you’re prettier when you dont speak” comment lmaoo people are such pricks its unreal.

But you know what, you do seem confident, you don’t seem to think theres anything wrong with ya face so i’m sure theres not

I suppose maybe a new hair cut? Do you change up your hair style often?

Sure, it's been said several times. Honestly, I find it hard to be mad; everything from the neck down I've worked hard to improve, there's just very little I can do about from the neck up.

As much as I (and the straight males and married women of the world) think there's nothing wrong with my face, the market research is clearly showing something else.

In my 20s I kept to a fairly 'safe' men's haircut, the kind of thing that women swoon about when David Beckham or Henry Cavill wear it, but on regular people it just looks.... regular. Since then I've got to a point where I decided to keep my hair at a buzz cut to cover thinning. I said to myself that I've got no problem being bald, but what I would never be is "balding". In my head I think I cut a bit of a 'Jason Statham' silhouette with an athletic physique and a shaved head. But hey, I had a good decade of being on the scene with a full head of hair, and that made absolutely no impact.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I really have no idea. It's been that way throughout my life, through a variety of haircuts and styles, that just seems to be one of those things. While I wouldn't point to my features as "model worthy", there's no obvious thing that I would point to.

Sure, it's been said several times. Honestly, I find it hard to be mad; everything from the neck down I've worked hard to improve, there's just very little I can do about from the neck up.

As much as I (and the straight males and married women of the world) think there's nothing wrong with my face, the market research is clearly showing something else.

In my 20s I kept to a fairly 'safe' men's haircut, the kind of thing that women swoon about when David Beckham or Henry Cavill wear it, but on regular people it just looks.... regular. Since then I've got to a point where I decided to keep my hair at a buzz cut to cover thinning. I said to myself that I've got no problem being bald, but what I would never be is "balding". In my head I think I cut a bit of a 'Jason Statham' silhouette with an athletic physique and a shaved head. But hey, I had a good decade of being on the scene with a full head of hair, and that made absolutely no impact.

Lool honestly in the hair cut on David Beckham comment you sounded more red pilled than me (only joking) and thats saying something lol did make me laugh. But awh honestly I am sorry about the thinning though, it’s a huge confidence knock, good for not letting it cause you to give up hope.

Now I need to ask something, might sound awful but what eye and hair colour? This is the only other thing I can think of

 

[Unsigned]

Lool honestly in the hair cut on David Beckham comment you sounded more red pilled than me (only joking) and thats saying something lol did make me laugh. But awh honestly I am sorry about the thinning though, it’s a huge confidence knock, good for not letting it cause you to give up hope.

Now I need to ask something, might sound awful but what eye and hair colour? This is the only other thing I can think of

My eye color (American spelling ) is bloodshot...Sure don't help...

 

[Claudia1794]

My eye color (American spelling ) is bloodshot...Sure don't help...

Me too right now.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

My eye color (American spelling ) is bloodshot...Sure don't help...

You American bad boys and your letter skipping tut tut spell in the Kings English you bloody rebels! Oh and lay off the “soda”

 

[Spazz]

So, this is a weird thing to post, as I really don't know what to do, but it's weighing me down and nobody seems to give any constructive help. I have tried posting on similar forums, but have had very little constructive help, mostly people don't seem to read this and understand the problems I am explaining.

Up top, I have no issues with shyness or anxiety, never had a problem talking to women or issues with confidence etc.

In short, I'm male, 30 years old, 5ft 10, 170lbs, I'm in reasonably athletic shape. I rent in a city, and am fully employed. In my spare time I enjoy a range of hobbies, such as; going to the gym, swing-dancing, photography, meeting friends, going to bars & clubs. I've also joined some social "meet-up" groups designed to help meet new people. All of that is great, I love the things that I do, and I make friends very easily from them. I honestly feel lucky to have curated such a wonderful bunch of people from different walks of life, a healthy mix of male and female, older and younger, married and single. I'm very social, my problem is that I cannot get a girlfriend, and it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my looks are the issue.

Look, I know that "nobody's ugly!" and all the Hallmark card stuff, but at this point I cannot put it down to anything else. This is not some random theory I've come up with, I have been told this many times over the years. Honestly, I think I'm somewhere in the range of 'average', don't we all? Sadly, the single women of the world have a different opinion. I have been told many times that I'm ugly, and though I don't believe it, it does seem like the general consensus. Tinder is the obvious yardstick: women are shown a picture of me with no clue as to how what job I have, my confidence levels, my religion, my politics, literally nothing other than "is this person attractive?" and seeing as I've never had a match on there, the answer must be "no". Other people have said this either about me, or sometimes to me. I live in a big city, it is odd to never ever get a match. I take care in the photos I put up, it's not hard. I had a friend try to tell me that it must be something I'm saying wrong, and that he could get me date within a week using online dating. I took him up on his challenge, he could say whatever he wanted, just had to use photos of me. 2 months later with no dates, he gave up.

But of course, online is not the only way to meet people. Like I said, I do a range of activities that are very easy to meet a partner, and many do through these channels. I have known many single women actively looking for a man, but any suggestion I make of us getting to know each other better is quickly brushed aside. I will also get the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line from people, which is betrayed when they show up a few weeks later with an attractive person on their arm. I've even went speed dating, events where single women literally pay money to meet a man; at these events I've had really good times talking to people, felt relaxed, and walked away feeling good about myself. Then the next morning I find that out of 12 women, all of them ticked 'no' for me. Again, I can't see how it could be a confidence issue when I don't feel un-confident.

I'm having a hard time getting people to believe me. My friends certainly don't, as much as they give the cartoonishly supportive line of "something will come along soon, just you wait!", it would be more convincing if they hadn't been saying it since 2012. Thing is, they've all had a completely different lived experience. They're pretty people: they had their first relationships in their teens, then a couple of semi serious ones in their early 20s, then they got married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador. Whereas I'm 30 and never even had a Valentine's Day card. I feel very 'behind' everyone else. They literally do not understand the words I am saying when I tell them that women want nothing to do with me, because they've never had that experience. It makes me sad that as much as I do enjoy my life as it is, I'm getting the impression that... this is it; I will just work during the week, fill my evenings and weekends with hobbies and friends, and that's all my life will be until I die.

Statistically it's unheard of to make it to 30 without having a single relationship, I've never met anyone with that issue. I have had a couple of one-night-stands when I was in my early 20s, but I'm very aware they only happened with copious amounts of alcohol, in the sober light of day each person dropped me very quickly.

I don't know, but seemingly nobody else seems to. I don't know what I hoped to achieve writing this here, but I'm just out of ideas. I'm very sure many will skim-read this and come up with the usual "you just need to believe harder!" or "have you tried meeting new people?", to those who've read the whole thing and believe the words I'm saying, thank you.

I'm 7 years younger than you, 2 inches shorter, and have never had a romantic relationship worth a damn.

I'd like to think you're not ugly, and one day (perhaps not tomorrow, maybe not even 5 years from now) you will find someone who appreciates you for all the other awesome things thay you do.

Humans are social creatures, and sadly society is hurting our most core needs for a community. Please try to appreciate the other aspects of life like brotherhood, friendship and kinship. It's all still valuable.

I think you have plenty of time to find love, and I believe in you.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Lool honestly in the hair cut on David Beckham comment you sounded more red pilled than me (only joking) and thats saying something lol did make me laugh. But awh honestly I am sorry about the thinning though, it’s a huge confidence knock, good for not letting it cause you to give up hope.

Now I need to ask something, might sound awful but what eye and hair colour? This is the only other thing I can think of

I'm not sure what that first part meant, but I assume it's not good!

Really though, there are just some things that women say they like, but the silent part is "... on really hot guys". The whole "I love a man in a suit!", followed by sharing photos of models in suits, but in real life they're not lusting after the high school geography teacher Hair is sort of the same thing, on unattractive guys a convention haircut is called "boring", on an A-list celeb it's "classic".

Thinning hair didn't really knock my confidence, as I wasn't getting any attention WITH a full head of hair If I was doing very well with the ladies, losing my hair would make me worry all of that would go away, but since it never was... what's a number lower than zero?

I have blue eyes and dark hair. Yes, I know on paper any woman could read that and go "amazing!", but that literally describes a whole range of men; Zac Efron, David Cameron, Frank Sinatra and Steve Buscemi.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I'm not sure what that first part meant, but I assume it's not good!

Really though, there are just some things that women say they like, but the silent part is "... on really hot guys". The whole "I love a man in a suit!", followed by sharing photos of models in suits, but in real life they're not lusting after the high school geography teacher Hair is sort of the same thing, on unattractive guys a convention haircut is called "boring", on an A-list celeb it's "classic".

Thinning hair didn't really knock my confidence, as I wasn't getting any attention WITH a full head of hair If I was doing very well with the ladies, losing my hair would make me worry all of that would go away, but since it never was... what's a number lower than zero?

I have blue eyes and dark hair. Yes, I know on paper any woman could read that and go "amazing!", but that literally describes a whole range of men; Zac Efron, David Cameron, Frank Sinatra and Steve Buscemi.

I'll be honest, I don't think it's hot or not, some styles suit some people more than others, like my ex loved spiking his hair.... deffo reduced his attractiveness level by 3 points on him... but was cute on other guys I saw.

Well I mean.. certain things have happened to my body, they haven't really impacted the number of men I attract as such... but still puts my confidence/ego in check lol So.. hats off to you good sir! For not letting it get to ya.

Now this is where I simply draw the line... blue eyes and dark hair is the combo... my life's motto is "if his eyes are blue, he'll do" ( okay okay joking... kinda...) so im just lost at this point, annoying voice? lol

 

[bender22]

That's exactly my point, I'd be doing it for selfish reasons, and my enjoyment of that would hinge entirely upon meeting a girl who liked me, which doesn't seem like a good enough reason to spend my weekends volunteering.

For sure, and I'm doing my best not to become bitter or depressing about it, but it's certainly easy to fall down that rabbit hole when you are unwanted by the opposite ***. I suppose that's the difference in the sexes that you've always known you've had options; they may not have been options you're particularly jazzed about, but they're there. For a man who has seemingly no options, it's certainly easy to get depressed.

As for going away, I don't have a particularly stressful life, I manage to get away 3-4 times a year for long weekend breaks with friends. It doesn't really solve anything, I still come back to a world where I'm ugly and unwanted.

I'm pretty picky with the photos I use, and obviously I've changed and updated them over the years. I try to put a good mix in: a nightlife photo, a daytime photo, playing sport or an activity. I do understand it's a numbers game, and the men outnumber the women etc, but it is odd when all my other male friends do significantly better on these platforms. I'll be honest, I'm not going to be paying $10/week for the premium version of Tinder, that just seems like a bad investment. I don't swipe right on everyone obviously, but I'd say about 2/3rds.

For the record, I'm not living in the town I grew up in. I moved into a big-ish city at 20, it's a fairly big student population. It's large enough that whenever I go out for nightlife it's different faces, and I like that. Obviously within the social circles that I'm in, sure, they've known me long enough to not really think of me in "that" way, but environments such as swing-dancing or meet-up groups have a constant influx of new women.


This is where I'd disagree with you, as I really don't have any issues being shy or lacking confidence. Really, I'm happy enough in myself and have no problems talking to anyone. It does appear to be a visual problem: when presented with a photo of me and the woman says "Ew, no!", my level of self esteem does not save me. Like I said, looking at online dating, where they literally see photos of you, without any "confidence" issues to get in the way, they swipe to the left.

Have you tried Hinge? You can at least see who has liked you on there without needing to pay anything. I actually find I have more success on there than other apps.

A mix of photos showing different parts of your life is good but still won't serve you well if you don't look good in them. Better off having 3-4 photos in your house that you look good in.

Worth spending some money on some good clothes to wear in your photos if you don't already have them. And then either paying a photographer to take some photos for you or getting a friend with a high quality camera to take some photos. Really need to pay attention to your body language in the photos too. Makes a big difference.

 

[hundal]

Hey @MysteriousTelephone

I'm almost 57 and I have never had a girlfriend or even date that wasn't based on a direct financial transaction.
I'm too old and set in my ways to change now, but...

You're 30!!!
That's young!!!
You still have a great chance!
In fact, at 30 you are just coming into your your own in your career.
And you are doing all the right things with the gym and the socializing.
Maybe try changing things up.
Take up a cool hobby, like rock climbing, surfing/wind surfing, maybe MMA/Kickboxing. Girls love guys with cool hobbies
Also...have you tried volunteering for a charity once or twice a week like "meals on wheels" or the ASPCA or something?
You may meet some really nice, caring girls that way.
These are things I would try if I had a time machine.
Maybe make a New Year's resolution to try something different.
Good luck and Happy New Year.
You can do it!

Yes you are correct

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

I'll be honest, I don't think it's hot or not, some styles suit some people more than others, like my ex loved spiking his hair.... deffo reduced his attractiveness level by 3 points on him... but was cute on other guys I saw.

Well I mean.. certain things have happened to my body, they haven't really impacted the number of men I attract as such... but still puts my confidence/ego in check lol So.. hats off to you good sir! For not letting it get to ya.

Now this is where I simply draw the line... blue eyes and dark hair is the combo... my life's motto is "if his eyes are blue, he'll do" ( okay okay joking... kinda...) so im just lost at this point, annoying voice? lol

That's absolutely fair. I've spent a lot of time on this and I genuinely believe I've picked the styles that suit me best and flatter me, but it's clearly not doing anything.

Annoying voice? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, it's not exactly a sexy deep voice, but I get told I'm well spoken. Besides, when a women says "No, he's ugly" when looking at a photo of me, are they really saying no to my annoying voice?

Have you tried Hinge? You can at least see who has liked you on there without needing to pay anything. I actually find I have more success on there than other apps.

A mix of photos showing different parts of your life is good but still won't serve you well if you don't look good in them. Better off having 3-4 photos in your house that you look good in.

Worth spending some money on some good clothes to wear in your photos if you don't already have them. And then either paying a photographer to take some photos for you or getting a friend with a high quality camera to take some photos. Really need to pay attention to your body language in the photos too. Makes a big difference.

I am on Hinge, along with all the usual suspects. Finding out who's liked me is one thing, but the preposition to that to begin with is getting any likes in the first place, which is my issue.

It's a tough one, I've often believed that showing yourself in a range of environments is a better angle as it's more likely to appeal than if all your photos are in nightclubs, per se. Just photos of you doing exciting things makes you stand out more than "wearing a suit at a wedding".

I'm not really sure what the implication is here, but I do have decent clothes, I am picky about the ones I use in profiles, some of them are taken with my DSLR which is decent.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

That's absolutely fair. I've spent a lot of time on this and I genuinely believe I've picked the styles that suit me best and flatter me, but it's clearly not doing anything.

Annoying voice? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, it's not exactly a sexy deep voice, but I get told I'm well spoken. Besides, when a women says "No, he's ugly" when looking at a photo of me, are they really saying no to my annoying voice?

I am on Hinge, along with all the usual suspects. Finding out who's liked me is one thing, but the preposition to that to begin with is getting any likes in the first place, which is my issue.

It's a tough one, I've often believed that showing yourself in a range of environments is a better angle as it's more likely to appeal than if all your photos are in nightclubs, per se. Just photos of you doing exciting things makes you stand out more than "wearing a suit at a wedding".

I'm not really sure what the implication is here, but I do have decent clothes, I am picky about the ones I use in profiles, some of them are taken with my DSLR which is decent.

Loool just cant win with you, I am determined to win but i’ve lost… defeat is upon me never been called ugly before like by anyone else but myself, thats awful last thing is… your nose! But alas… not much you can do about that

 

[Ima Lone]

Who or what determines what is "too" ugly? I think that degrees of ugliness can only be decided by ourselves. If I give the power of determination that should be my own, to someone else, then that makes me appear weak, in my opinion and weakness can be viewed as ugly by some, I guess.

But too ugly, like too much, doesn't exist. It's a concept or an opinion, not a reality. You, me, everyone else, seeking acceptance or validation, we exist, whether we want to or not, We are reality.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Loool just cant win with you, I am determined to win but i’ve lost… defeat is upon me never been called ugly before like by anyone else but myself, thats awful last thing is… your nose! But alas… not much you can do about that

I do appreciate your efforts, and I'm honestly not looking to "defeat" you. Like I said, I definitely find people don't seem to believe me when they've not been in the same position, they always think it "must be" something else.

Who or what determines what is "too" ugly? I think that degrees of ugliness can only be decided by ourselves. If I give the power of determination that should be my own, to someone else, then that makes me appear weak, in my opinion and weakness can be viewed as ugly by some, I guess.

But too ugly, like too much, doesn't exist. It's a concept or an opinion, not a reality. You, me, everyone else, seeking acceptance or validation, we exist, whether we want to or not, We are reality.

My definition of how I perceive myself has precisely zero bearing on a woman looking at my photo and swiping to the left. When I go out and think I'm looking sharp, when I'm not, when I'm doing things I'm good at, my internal thoughts make zero difference.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I do appreciate your efforts, and I'm honestly not looking to "defeat" you. Like I said, I definitely find people don't seem to believe me when they've not been in the same position, they always think it "must be" something else.

My definition of how I perceive myself has precisely zero bearing on a woman looking at my photo and swiping to the left. When I go out and think I'm looking sharp, when I'm not, when I'm doing things I'm good at, my internal thoughts make zero difference.

Lool dont rub it in, defeated me without even trying (i joke), but I absolutely believe ya! It’s a weird thing to experience reminds me of myself in a different way, people are often very hostile towards me… but I am extremely respectful to everyone, soft spoken, I never shout, but I get met with intense aggression or uncalled for disrespect, ppl say “you have to have done something”! its like no no, i havent done anything but sit there. They’ll never believe it, anywho… I hope your luck changes