A jaguarundi guide to finding someone

[jaguarundi]

That's it. I have had enough. Reading the same old stuff on the various threads from the lot of you, complaining about the opposite sex, dating, and why you can't find anyone - sheesh, it makes me just want to go and lie down with a damp cloth over my eyes!!

The jaguarundi is now going to occasionally present her own, slap-upside the-head hints and tips on this subject.

You don't like what I say - you don't agree? Your prerogative, you are entitled to your own opinions, but I myself won't be entering into debate that isn't adding to the subject, nor any negative bleating and nay-saying. Any good points or questions and I will try to cover them - maybe further down the line. If none of this applies to you or your circumstances - sorry. This is my point of view, based my observations and my experiences. I can do no more, apart from noting who you are and sending a rabid weasel to your home address... ***thinks mwhahahha they think I am joking***

First Tip​

You have to be prepared to do things that might make you uncomfortable. Including but not restricted to : changing your outlook, trying new things, learning new social skills, doing different things, going to different places. How many of you out there sit there on your own, thinking - well I want a partner but I am not prepared to - basically - put myself out of my comfort zone in any way at all? Let alone do something I find difficult?

For example, and I am quoting this as an example only, if you are a guy interested in things that attract more men than women, and ONLY want to go to places say, where men go who like ice-hockey or cars and guns, then already you have drastically reduced your options of meeting members of the opposite sex - possibly to practically nil, depending on what your interests actually are.

Aside from anything else, if you wouldn't dream of putting yourself out to the extent of changing your attitude or trying something new to just maybe get a date, then what in hell's name makes you think you will have any chance whatsoever in a relationship, where compromise and give-and-take are daily occurrences?

It's like a job. If you are lucky and have a job you like, there are still likely to be aspects of it that leave you cold. Let us say - the paperwork. You might not like it too much, but you have to do it. Regard looking for someone as a job. Sometimes you just have to get on with the paperwork......

 

[Grackle]

Thumbs up to the first tip.

I am on my way to join a community garden, my plot is tiny but my plans for it are big. Not only do I like gardening but I suspect more women then men will be members. Just hoping there will be single women .... or married women with single friends.

Add on: and even if I don't find someone special there I have another get-away, a place to go when I need to get outside.

 

[jaguarundi]

Now that's a great idea Grackle. And win/win I'm thinking. As you say, maybe more women. Maybe just more people and a bit of socialising which could lead to more. In any case socialising is good in and of itself because it is practice in getting on with other people

And fresh air (depending on where you live) good for the community and growing things is supposedly good for you. I say supposedly ... If there is an opposite of green fingers, I've got em

Good luck with that and keep us posted..

 

[Nicolelt]

Oh my gosh! I love this post. Jaguarundi is completely right. And I know some people (like myself) are thinking "Easier said than done." Pace yourself to try new things. I use to not like even going into restaurants I didn't know, and heaven forbid I talk to someone new. But I made that decision to start trying and get myself out of my comfort zone. And then I became a "Out of Comfort Zone Junkie" Can't get enough of that thrill, the not knowing if I would like something and trying new things.

When it comes to being in a relationship, you have to give a little to get, yea, cliche, but true. So if someone asks you out and says, "Hey, would you like to go to a play with me?" GO! You won't be die from it, and that person will most likely ask, what would you like to do, and you can go on a hike, or whatever it is you like. (I am just giving a personal example)

 

[TheRealCallie]

And I know some people (like myself) are thinking "Easier said than done."

This is EXACTLY why some people don't get honeysuckle done. What they don't seem to understand is that almost nothing in life that is worthwhile is easy. If you put it in your head that you "can't" do something because it's too HARD, then you will never get anywhere.
I'm sorry, but who cares if it's hard? If you keep waiting for things to be easy or things to be handed to you on a silver platter, then you'll never accomplish anything. FORCE yourself and it will get easier.
Oh and stop telling yourself you "can't." Can't is a cop out. There are very few things in life you CAN'T do, so instead of saying "can't," start saying "DON'T WANT TO," or "too scared to try," because that's what it boils down to. Harsh, maybe, but it's true.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Wise words.

 

[Dexter]

Your thread is a great idea! I hope your tips will inspire and help some people.

PS: You forgot an "r" in your thread title.

 

[jaguarundi]

Your thread is a great idea! I hope your tips will inspire and help some people.

PS: You forgot an "r" in your thread title.

Thanks Dexter I have edited it. I am not whay yoi mitht cll a god toch-typists.

 

[SofiasMami]

We've all been poisoned by Hollywood movies where people find true love, get married and live happily ever after in 2 hours.

I agree finding someone special is like a job! Especially for us more mature (ahem- "older") people who don't hang out in groups with lots of other singles, like at college for example. My office is about 90% women and the few men there are either married or half a generation younger. All the rest of my time is with my kiddo.
I met about 15-20 men while online dating but nothing panned out and I decided to quit that "job" after doing a cost-benefit analysis. Not worth it

Plus, I don't see being single as a tragedy, affliction or disease. I'm ok the way I am.

-Teresa

 

[jaguarundi]

Nicolelt -

quite right, trying something new usually will not kill you. Obviously there may be some exceptions to this such as covering yourself with honey and standing in the bear enclosure in the zoo, but the jaguarundi is not advocating this. You might go and hear some music, see a play - and actually find out you like it! How good is that?

TheRealCallie-

Yup. Absolutely. If you really want something (e.g an SO) there can be NO EXCUSES. I used to find it very hard indeed to meet new people, but I had to learn to grit my teeth and get on with it (for my work). I was much, much worse at this once, but these days whilst I may sometimes have a few jitters beforehand, I am nothing like as bad as I used to be. I even look forward to it!


Teresa

I will deal with the 'numbers game' sometime later on. But it is certainly true to say - if you really, really want something you have to work at it and not give up after one or two failed attempts. And if you do give up, don't blame anyone else but yourself.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Great thread, J!!!

I'll toss my two cents in here, based on what I've seen on a lot of men's profiles.
I see hunting, fishing, NASCAR, the lake, watching football, etc.

Well, usually if that's all they have as things they like to do, I tend to skip over them because it appears we wouldn't suit, due to my LACK of interst in most of those (not all, but most).
When they say that they are looking for someone who shares their interests, I frown sadly and move along, as they obviously wouldn't want a women who isn't into those things.

Now...on to what the OP has suggested, and how it relates to what I've just said...
Had some of those profiles mentioned being willing to do/learn other things, I'd be more than happy to watch the occasional game, sporting event, race, fishing etc. if the guys was willing to try things I liked as well.
Also, I've see. So many "musts" that eliminated so many more opportunities for people.
"Must be a Democrat"...seriously? Must love the outdoors. Must love blah, blah, blah.
Don't get me wrong - it's ok to know what you like and want, but I think that we ALL place limits on ourselves sometimes and wonder if reevaluated those kinds of things, if we'd not be happier and maybe even more lucky in love?
For instance - I favor tall me because I'm tall myself. Well, I've recently noticed that most men are actually either around my height or even a little shorter. So, I reevaluated what I was "looking for."
I pondered what that inch or two difference between me and a guy really meant. My answer? Nothing. So I changed my height preferences by one inch. One single inch and I've gotten twice the interest than I usually see. And guess what? It's mostly from guys who are exactly one inch shorter than me.
So, all this rambling has just been to point out that Jag is exactly right - be willing to make changes and your odds of running into a potential mate might get better.

Again, great thread, Jag!

 

[jaguarundi]

^Thanks Eve. Your point about getting twice the interest from altering your requirements so little is exactly on point (and I stand by a post I made somewhere else that says 'short men often try harder') You made a bit of a change - you saw results.....

Some of you out there may need to make bigger changes. It is possible, it can be done. If you don't want to do it - then you very likely may have to kiss any chance of love goodbye. And if you do - do not start whining about it. The rabid weasels are waiting ....

Don't worry you out there who consider yourselves socially inept, bad with people and otherwise clueless. I will get to all that stuff further down the line.

 

[Triple Bogey]

^Thanks Eve. Your point about getting twice the interest from altering your requirements so little is exactly on point (and I stand by a post I made somewhere else that says 'short men often try harder') You made a bit of a change - you saw results.....

Some of you out there may need to make bigger changes. It is possible, it can be done. If you don't want to do it - then you very likely may have to kiss any chance of love goodbye. And if you do - do not start whining about it. The rabid weasels are waiting ....

Don't worry you out there who consider yourselves socially inept, bad with people and otherwise clueless. I will get to all that stuff further down the line.

What changes though ?
Give examples.
I have hobbies and interests, things I like doing. It's because I like doing them. I don't do those things to meet women. I happen to like my life as well and I'm not interested in changing it just to meet women. (When I probably wouldn't anyway) -

I agree your not going to meet somebody sat on your arse looking at a computer screen. You have to go out and mix with the opposite sex. You increase your chances by meeting more people. I don't agree with total changes though.

As for moaning about it. This is the place to do that. Where else can we whinge or complain that life is just not fair and we don't ever get the chance? I should be the most bitter man on earth after all that has happened but I'm not. I happen to like my comfort zone.

 

[jaguarundi]

^Firstly, this is number one of hints and tips - other advice on things to do that may seem bigger or more difficult, for example, changing your attitude to dating, will come later.

Next up ... Moan away all you like - just on another thread, please.

Finally, What you have said about refusing to move out of your comfort zone because you like your life pretty much as it is, sounds like a great realisation to have. But I repeat - just don't be expecting to find anyone or have a successful relationship if you simply do not expect to change anything about your life for the sake of finding love.

And basically, if someone is really happy and comfortable with their life exactly as it is, then why would they ever complain about not having an SO in the first place?

 

[EveWasFramed]

^^ *chuckles*
Send in the weasels now. lol

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I just finally figured out what SO means... -.-

 

[EveWasFramed]

I just finally figured out what SO means... -.-

LOL! Tropies.

 

[kamya]

Alright I pass the first test. Next tip?

 

[Solivagant]

I agree your not going to meet somebody sat on your arse looking at a computer screen.

Lol, someone told me that once, even though she had met her boyfriend (now husband) doing just that. I had a hard time holding my tongue on that one.

She's not an exception either. About half of everyone I know has met their current S.O./spouse by looking at a computer screen. The truth is you never know where or how you're going to meet someone. I think the important thing is just to keep communicating with people, somehow.

Also, I've see. So many "musts" that eliminated so many more opportunities for people.
"Must be a Democrat"...seriously? Must love the outdoors. Must love blah, blah, blah.

^ I saw that so much too! "Must be a democrat" and "Must love the outdoors" were the two I came across most often, followed by "Must love to exercise". o_0 Sometimes I wondered if that was actually code for "Must not be overweight".

I understand that people have things that are really important to them, but a list of demands can be very limiting.

 

[EveWasFramed]

... followed by "Must love to exercise". o_0 Sometimes I wondered if that was actually code for "Must not be overweight"..

LOL...that's EXACTLY what it means!!!!!

Most of them are nice enough to just say..." Im into fitness and would like my partner to be into it also" or something fairly polite.

---

I understand that people have things that are really important to them, but a list of demands can be very limiting.

Yup...this, exactly. When I see that they have a "punch list" (a construction term for a list of required items) I generally move on to the next "match."
It's OK if they want to have their list, but you're exactly correct - it can be very intimidating for a person to read list like that. Who wants to feel like they have to measure up to someone's preconceived notions? Not I, said Eve.

So, my advice to anyone who is searching for someone via a dating site, please be careful about making an "SO Bucket List" because it may put off some very nice potential SO's.