Accepting romance will never be a part of your life

[AnonymousMe]

EDIT: I just realized the random post I "left" here, my apologies everyone, it wasn't me, I carelessly left my account open and my little brother decided to be immature. Again, my apologies.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It is possible for a couple where both partners suffer severely to become strong together. Not everything can be butterflies and sunshine.

I feel this is true too cos 2 people who are suffering can find a connection in that and build on it to get better and come out of their suffering together. I've been through something similar before.

 

[BayouWoman]

Okay, I have read all your posts, and I think perhaps I wasn't clear enough. Battered relationships are not at issue here for I think we are all healthy enough to leave them, correct?

I think the issue is that to me, you all seem interesting and cool people and yet you miss being in a relationship and can't figure out why it isn't happening, correct?

I am just trying to help. I have had some bad relationships and some good. I can only speak from my experiences, I have no trouble being asked on dates even now that I am not even looking. I am older than most of you, why are opportunities plentiful for me and not for you - you all seem pretty date-able to me.

The point I was trying to make is like something that happened to me last night, I was with a girlfriend and she asked me if I had any "leftovers" this is her term for the men I have dated or who have asked me out and, in her terms "discarded". I find her terminology very uncouth and derogatory, but so be it.

I have a male friend and she and he have essentially the same interests, they are both into Indian food, American Indians and World War2, they both go to the same church and both do community service and like the same music. He is a pillar of the community and she is shy and introverted. I consider them both true friends. They have helped me through some hard times and weren't there to take advantage. They both drive the same cars, belong to the same political party, come from the same town.

So, I suggested they both date:
"But he has yellow teeth," says she who has to wear a tooth guard because she has ground off all her tooth enamel.
"But she is fat" says he who is about as overweight as she.
Too tall says one, too short said another.
"She is gray" says he who is balding.


She, says there are nothing but losers out there. (I find the term losers quite derogatory too, very few people in life are actually losers.)
He says there are no good women. (I think you are standing in front of one, no good women, hmmm)

And I am sorry to be so misconstrued. I am happy alone. If you want to be alone, no one is telling you to be in a relationship. If you want to be in a relationship, relationships do take work, they take work to be in one, they take work to make one successful for duration.

Do you see yourself in the above example?

That is my point.

If you see yourself in this example, take it to heart and learn, if not, don't jump all over me. Take what applies to you, throw out the rest.

Understand?

 

[VanillaCreme]

AmytheTemperatmental:
then I think you need to hang around different people, perhaps more healthy people.

That's mighty ambitious of you, or anyone, to say that to someone. We don't really know how anyone would act or react to things, and even if they appear to be "healthy" in every way, that doesn't mean they're going to do any good to someone.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

AmytheTemperatmental:
then I think you need to hang around different people, perhaps more healthy people.

That's mighty ambitious of you, or anyone, to say that to someone. We don't really know how anyone would act or react to things, and even if they appear to be "healthy" in every way, that doesn't mean they're going to do any good to someone.

Nilla, we can't hang out anymore :club:

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

I think the issue is that to me, you all seem interesting and cool people and yet you miss being in a relationship and can't figure out why it isn't happening, correct?

I thought the thread was about accepting that romance will not be part of your life. I believe you might taken that in a very "so help me" way and I am not sure the original poster and certainly not me was looking for that.

I think it is insulting to tell people that you won't get a healthy relationship or SO unless you are healthy. Whatever healthy means but it is clearly not true. People who aren't healthy are in ships all the time, people who are healthy are single and people who are healthy are in relationships.

I have always felt in the dark recesses of my mind that most of the advice I was getting was not right and would lead me to only have partners and relationships that weren't "good enough" for me. Mostly that is what I have always found. If I had people with me I was not at all enthused with them and mostly the same for people's feelings for me. I wish early on I had accepted what my gut was screaming at me... that "romance" as it currently is in society is not really something that is ever going to be part of my life. There is no shame in that.

If anyone is coming to that conclusion young, I say good for them. Obviously if they meet the love of their life they will go for it. But there is just way too many people that aren't right for each other and aren't really in love with each other spamming up the world and putting pressure on the rest of us because of some insane mandate that we all have to be the recipient of a special and likely unique relationship. Not everyone is going to find that. Just like not everyone is going to be struck by lightening.

If it isn't, magic, I am not sure what I need it for.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Nilla, we can't hang out anymore :club:

I'm sorry, Amy! I'm not perfectly healthy for you.

:club:

 

[BayouWoman]

Glad I could be the recipient of your angst today, may have saved others. Was only trying to help, sorry you didn't take it that way.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Glad I could be the recipient of your angst today, may have saved others. Was only trying to help, sorry you didn't take it that way.

You just have to learn the board... there is a reason why we are lonely.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, I have read all your posts, and I think perhaps I wasn't clear enough. Battered relationships are not at issue here for I think we are all healthy enough to leave them, correct?

So from reading a few posts, you can tell this? You would be wrong. People in battered relationships often put on a show so that no one knows what's really going on.

No, I'm not in a battered relationship right now, but I was...and I didn't leave. It took him leaving me and years before I fully participate in life and no one knew what was really going on in my marriage.

So, please don't make the assumption that all of us are "healthy" enough. You can't and you don't know that.

I have a male friend and she and he have essentially the same interests, they are both into Indian food, American Indians and World War2, they both go to the same church and both do community service and like the same music. He is a pillar of the community and she is shy and introverted. I consider them both true friends. They have helped me through some hard times and weren't there to take advantage. They both drive the same cars, belong to the same political party, come from the same town.

So, I suggested they both date:
"But he has yellow teeth," says she who has to wear a tooth guard because she has ground off all her tooth enamel.
"But she is fat" says he who is about as overweight as she.
Too tall says one, too short said another.
"She is gray" says he who is balding.


She, says there are nothing but losers out there. (I find the term losers quite derogatory too, very few people in life are actually losers.)
He says there are no good women. (I think you are standing in front of one, no good women, hmmm)

Everyone is entitled to like what they like and dislike what they dislike. Not everyone is attracted to the same type of person. Some people feel turned off by yellowing teeth or people that are overweight. That is their right. You can't be in a "healthy" romantic relationship if you aren't attracted to a person.

 

[BayouWoman]

I do understand that self reflection is hard, but I do feel it is always the first step to any change.

However it seems you all feel you know more than I do about what I am talking about.

Feel free to stay wallowing in you rmisery, kind of proves my point.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I do understand that self reflection is hard, but I do feel it is always the first step to any change.

However it seems you all feel you know more than I do about what I am talking about.

Feel free to stay wallowing in you rmisery, kind of proves my point.

It's not about knowing more. It's about the fact that not everyone is the same, and one way of thinking or doing doesn't suffice for everyone.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I do understand that self reflection is hard, but I do feel it is always the first step to any change.

However it seems you all feel you know more than I do about what I am talking about.

Feel free to stay wallowing in you rmisery, kind of proves my point.

Is this comment to me? Lol

If so, it proves MY point. That you know little to nothing about people from reading few posts on a forum.

 

[ThatZealousOne]

ThatZealousOne:
Do I ever hear you about the drinking bit. And I have heard this over and over. Seems like a lot of people are of the "drink and screw" variety and don't know anything better to do. That is a life that is going nowhere and if you hooked up with someone in that it would go nowhere too. What kind of life are you going to have drinking your way through it? And if sex is your only interest then you have some major problems.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with you, I think you may be mature beyond your years and therefore are more farsighted than a lot of the people who surround you. I wouldn't take it personally to heart.

I think what you are doing is wise. Don't ask people out you usually wouldn't find interesting. Don't ask people out who are already in relationships. However DO NOT take for granted that they wouldn't be interested. Get a definite yes or no.

If you think you are boring change that, if you think you are not likeable, change that, if you think you are not attractive be as well groomed and best mannered as you can be and most people won't even bring your looks into the equation. And if they do they are too shallow to waste time with.

I think too, a lot of girls your age are looking for excitement, and that will soon fade. Boring becomes better.

I have a girlfriend who in her twenties for a date would make them come over and read a book. She said she didn't want to spend her life with someone she couldn't read with since that was one of her favorite pastimes.

So, think about what you would see in you that would attract you and see if there is something you feel you need to work on, (like self confidence perhaps? I see nothing wrong with you) and then also think about what you would want in someone you would have a relationship with. Perhaps firming up your idea of yourself and what you want and then going out and seeking it - do you see what I mean?

There are a lot of girls out there seeking a safe option, who aren't into drinking and partying either. And after a roller coaster ride, boring becomes quite attractive.

Being the extrovert that I am, I would discount the nerves, everyone is nervous at first. New relationships are hard, taking rejection is hard but I would rather have the rejection than not know....

Thank you for your advice. And thank you for listening.

Indeed, self confidence is something I really struggle with, and I don't think it'll be something I get any time soon. I suppose I can try and get out there and try and find what I want, but... well... Some days I don't think that's a possibility. If there are girls wanting the safe option, I don't see any. And yeah, I get the point about waiting and the like... but I'm impatient. I want that stuff now, or at least within the next two years or so. I don't want to wait until I'm thirty and be someone's last choice.

Ahh well. I'm too nervous and cowardly and I'm too much of a bore to have nice things in that department. Thanks for the talk though, this helped.

 

[BayouWoman]

ThatZealousOne,

Perhaps then create more opportunities, don't think of it as trying to hook up with someone, but just going out with friends or being part of a club or something to be more social face to face with people you share common interests with. In just socializing try to take some of the pressure off yourself, you aren't out to accomplish anything, except to have fun. If someone should happen to stand out to you then maybe think about a non threatening next step. Is that making sense?

And to anyone out there who may be so easily offended by this, I have a simple solution - don't read it!!! Don't take it to heart, don't bother responding. You are bullies and you will be ignored.

 

[ThatZealousOne]

ThatZealousOne,

Perhaps then create more opportunities, don't think of it as trying to hook up with someone, but just going out with friends or being part of a club or something to be more social face to face with people you share common interests with. In just socializing try to take some of the pressure off yourself, you aren't out to accomplish anything, except to have fun. If someone should happen to stand out to you then maybe think about a non threatening next step. Is that making sense?

I may have to look into doing this. Once I have my degree and a stable job I will have to start just getting out there as much as possible I suppose. Not my strong suit, but... well... what's the alternative? Stick around a house all the time? Heh.

Thank you for the advice, and for the regular and well thought out replies. You are making sense. Just, get out there and go and have fun, try not to be too impatient I suppose. That's what most of my anxiety and doubt is about I suppose.

 

[BayouWoman]

If you are impatient, you could get out more now. I think the more you do the easier it will get. I find it helps to focus on the other person, perhaps see them as ill at ease as you and try to put them at ease. Everyone is uncomfortable in first encounters and someone has to break the ice...

Don't let it interfere with your studies though!

I thought of you last Friday for we have a standing invitation on Fridays at our house, whoever wishes comes over and we make homemade pizza and then watch a horror movie. It has been a tradition that has been carried on since my high school years. There is no alcohol. See, there are no alcohol alternatives and perhaps if you began something you would feel more in control and not as ill at ease in that you could control who is invited and how it is ran.

And to anyone out there who may be so easily offended by this, I have a simple solution - don't read it!!! Don't take it to heart, don't bother responding. You are bullies and you will be ignored.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

And to anyone out there who may be so easily offended by this, I have a simple solution - don't read it!!! Don't take it to heart, don't bother responding. You are bullies and you will be ignored.

Well they probably are bullies but I got to agree with Callie here... you seem like someone who thinks she knows things but doesn't know much at all. I am sure you heart was in the right place but it saddens me that you might be giving crud advice to an impressionable soul that also sounds like exactly what the soul might want to hear.

If you want to have a private conversation there is this thing called PM, which stands for private messaging. Otherwise is it fair game. Actually I never never really understood why people seem to enjoy on this board taking a thread and totally hijacking it. It isn't fair when I keep checking the thread thinking I am going to see a response on the original topic and see a private conversation between two people about a completely different topic. But whateves.

 

[Xpendable]

... you seem like someone who thinks she knows things but doesn't know much at all.

The internet in one sentence.

 

[Paraiyar]

ThatZealousOne,

Perhaps then create more opportunities, don't think of it as trying to hook up with someone, but just going out with friends or being part of a club or something to be more social face to face with people you share common interests with. In just socializing try to take some of the pressure off yourself, you aren't out to accomplish anything, except to have fun. If someone should happen to stand out to you then maybe think about a non threatening next step. Is that making sense?

I may have to look into doing this. Once I have my degree and a stable job I will have to start just getting out there as much as possible I suppose. Not my strong suit, but... well... what's the alternative? Stick around a house all the time? Heh.

Thank you for the advice, and for the regular and well thought out replies. You are making sense. Just, get out there and go and have fun, try not to be too impatient I suppose. That's what most of my anxiety and doubt is about I suppose.

Do you live at home or do you flat? Just curious.