Bender's Journal: Part 2

[bender22]

Wasted last Saturday night. Couldn't get into it at all. Ughhhh going out alone is so hard!!

There's a singles event on here all weekend so that should be alright. Will go there during the day, go out at night. Hopefully not alone this weekend.

I bought a voice recorder recently, so I might try recording myself talking to some girls at the singles event. Would make it easier to analyse the interaction and see what I'm doing well and not so well. Yes, I'm a real nerd with this stuff. But anything that could help me improve, I think is worthwhile.

It's a daytime event too so should be easier to here the recordings than a nightclub/bar.

 

[bender22]

Friday Night

Went out with my wingman. Only one noteworthy interaction to talk about. We went to one bar that my wingman wanted to go to. It was bust but mostly people older than us.

I looked around the bar and found two attractive younger girls who were together. Probably the only attractive younger girls in the bar at the time.

Noticed I was getting some eye contact from one of them. Blonde hair, black dress, good body. Probably the best looking girl in the bar at the time.

But her and her friend were talking to two older people. I didn't know whether it was their parents or what the situation was so I didn't want to approach them.

A little later I was on the dancefloor with my wingman and the two girls came over and danced almost right next to us. Thought this was a good sign.

While I was thinking of approaching them, some other guy came over and tried chatting to the more attractive one. He tried dancing with her and tried to spin her around, with his drink in one hand.

As soon as he moved away a little, I swooped in and made a joke to the girl about how she nearly got that guy's drink all over her when he tried spinning her.

She laughed and moved around to the other side of me as if she was trying to get away from him. We chatted a bit and my wingman talked to her friend.

She was the one asking me questions, which is usually a good sign. Then her and her friend said they were going to get back to their other friends. She said she would see me later.

After they went back to their other friends, I could see the one I talked to looking over at me several times. I said to my buddy I had to try getting her number before leaving.

Once we decided we were going to leave that bar, I went over and said we we leaving but I wanted to get her number first. She said yes and gave me the number but I stuffed it a bit. Firstly I put her name in my phone as Millie instead of Mikkie (even though I knew her name was Mikkie) and then one of  her friends came in and stood there to make it awkward. I said hello to her but could've handled it a lot better.

Anyway, still got a number from the hottest girl in the bar so that was a good experience.

Saturday 
Went to the singles event during the day. Wasn't very good unfortunately. But I got invited to go up on stage to be part of a blind dating thing.

It was like one of those TV shows where there was a wall with one girl on one side and two guys on the other side. There was a host who asked us questions and then the girl picked one of the guys based on their answers (she couldn't see us).

I'm not good in front of a crowd and there were probably 30-40 people watching. So I was very nervous and awkward.
I probably looked like a complete ***** haha. Anyway, the girl ended up picking the other guy. She was actually pretty attractive so I was a little disappointed she didn't choose me.

I talked to her a little later off stage and she didn't say it explicitly but it sounded like she wished she'd picked me. A few people talked to me after and said they would've picked me so that made me feel a little better lol. 

Cool experience anyway. Even though I probably embarrased myself in front of 30-40 people hahah.

I started out Saturday night by myself. Firstly I went to the casino. I talked to two girls in front of me while I was lining up.

Went to one of the bars and I saw the girl from the singles event. I went over and had a quick chat to her. Again it sounded like she thought she should've picked me. I teased her a little about it. 

Although she was pretty attractive she seemed a bit annoying so maybe a good thing she didn't choose me.

After talking to her, I chatted to another girl at the bar while we were waiting to get served. This one went really well. Great response. A lot of good signs that she was interested in me. But she got her drink first and then went back to her friends after getting the drink.
I should've found her later and tried to get her number or Instagram. But my wingman was ready to go out and we were going to meet at a different place so I left the casino. 

Wingman stuffed me around. Said he was ready but he wasn't. Very unreliable guy, which is annoying. But I don't really have any other guys up here to go out with. And going out with an unreliable guy is still better than going out alone.

Unfortunately I ended up wasting a lot of time waiting around for him. Which is a shame because I was feeling pretty good and not as much resistance to talking to girls as usual. 

After waiting around for ages for him, I decided to go back to the casino because it was really good there.

I was sitting in the foyer area of the casino for a while. A group of 4 really attractive girls were nearby taking photos of each other. I managed to grab their attention from where I was sitting. 

One of them came over and sat next to me. Then another two of them. The one sitting next to me was cool. I was chatting to her for a bit. But young girls have very short attention spans, so it wasn't long before all her friends wanted to get going. I probably had a 3 second opportunity to try getting her number or Instagram but didn't. 

Few minutes later another couple of girls came past and I somehow managed to catch their attention. One of them was definitely into me. She started talking to me first. Said I looked good tonight. But her friend was wanting to go.

A few minutes later, I turned around and there was a cute Asian girl sitting on her own just behind me. I turned around to sit next to her and tried talking to her. She was not interested in talking to me at all. Didn't bother me too much.

After that my wingman texted me and was finally ready. Left the casino and went to a different spot to meet with him.

We went to this RnB nightclub. Not really my scene at all. Very loud, packed and most of the girls there really weren't my type.
It took me a long time to actually talk to anyone there. I wanted to go somewhere else but my wingman was keen to stay.

Quickly talked to a girl at the bar. Then approached a girl who was walking by herself. She responded well and was laughing. But then just left. It's so hard to hold these girl's attention at nightclubs. I think 90% of girls aged between 18-27 at nightclubs must have some form of ADD lol.

I was on the dancefloor with my wingman and spotted a girl who made eye contact with her. I put my hand out to her. She took my hand and came over to me. (this is such a good move when it works but something I haven't done for a long time)

Talked **** with her for a few minutes. All I wanted to do was just keep talking to hold her attention long enough for something to happen.

That was successful. She was super close to me and looking me right in the eyes.

Seized the moment and started making out with her. We danced together a bit and made out again. 

Her friends were going off to the bar and she went with them. Didn't see her again after that.
Went home soon after that because it was super late.

Pretty good night anyway. It was the most approaches I've done in a night on my own for a while. I was feeling pretty good most of the night. I did get down for a while because I was annoyed my wingman was stuffing me around but I managed to get back into it.
And it's always nice to have a smooch with a little cutie at a nightclub haha.

Key points
Need to figure out a way to hold girl's attention in loud night environments for longer

I did a good job at managing my state during the night and taking responsibility for making myself feel good/positive/happy. Before I went out I was watching a few Youtube videos I thought were hilarious. That probably helped to get me in the right state.

Then when my wingman finally got there, I was joking around with him, giving him **** all to make myself feel good.
It's a lot easier to talk to strangers and a bar or nightclub when you're feeling good.

 

[bender22]

I went out for a while last night with my wingman - Shaun. I did talk to quite a few people during the night - both girls and guys. But I was finding it extremely difficult to get myself to go up and talk to girls.

Shaun was having the same problem as me, which I think may have made things more difficult.

I was trying to put myself into a good mood and loosen up by just talking **** and cracking jokes with Shaun. And I did that pretty well for most of the night.

But then when it can to actually going up and talking to girls I started overthinking everything and making excuses...'what if she's with a guy' 'what will I say' 'what would I say after that' and on and on..

There really wasn't any interactions worth going into detail on.

Apart from going out, I've been feeling a complete lack of motivation the past few weeks. I got sick during the week. It's cold and wet here at the moment. My housemate has told me he's moving and I still don't have anyone to take his room, which means I'm going to be stuck paying rent on his room until someone else comes in. My new job isn't going very well. And the job has taken a lot of time away from my business, which has left the business is not such a good position.

So things aren't great but hey...could be a lot worse. And with all that going on, it's nice to get out and have a night out plus meet new people.

 

[bender22]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]DATES[/font]


[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I've had a couple of dates in the past week or so. One was last week with a girl I matched with on Tinder months ago. We were talking on there for a while and I tried to get her on a date at the time but she was busy with other stuff so I gave up on her.[/font]
[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]A few weeks ago she started up the conversation again. And we organised to meet up. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Sadly, she was a bit bigger in person than she was in her photos. But that didn't stop me from having a good time.[/font]
[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]We met up at the bar for a drink. She suggested going out for a walk after about an hour in the bar. (I need to be doing this, not the girl!)[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Everything went pretty well. Even though she's not someone I'd see myself with, I still enjoyed talking to her. She'd probably be a good friend to have but I wouldn't be looking for anything more than that.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]She was interested in learning salsa dancing so I invited her to come along to a lesson at the salsa school I've been going to. That was last night.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I'm got the impression that she's a lot more invested in this than I am and would probably like to be more than friends. After the salsa lesson she was asking if I wanted to do something after but I had to say I was busy. Which I really was. Today she was texting me again trying to organise more plans. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I had another date with a girl from Tinder a few days ago. Shy and innocent type of girl. Which is what I like. Once again, I had a really good time with her. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]This one was probably more my type than the other one. But still probably not exactly what I'm after. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I must be doing something right on these dates because I seem to make a good impression with these girls. Probably 75% of my first dates, the girl will text me that night or the following day to say she had a good time.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Went out last Saturday with Shaun and another guy. Had one really good interaction with a girl I first saw on the dancefloor who seened to be looking at me. Didn't approach her at first but a little later she was walking past me and I stopped her.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]She responded really well. Was clearly interested, which made me more confident. It was pretty loud, so that made it easy for me to get up close to her and touch her.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]After talking for about five minutes, one of her friends came over and told her they were going somewhere else. She offered to give me her number, which I took. Was a solid interaction. If she didn't have to go, I probably should've taken her to the dancefloor with me, where I could get more physical. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Going out tonight. Really need to talk to more people and have more fun.[/font]

 

[bender22]

Went out last night with my wingman, Shaun. On the plus side, I talked to quite a few people and approached at least 7 or 8 girls which is a lot more than I've been doing recently. 


When we first got out I could see he was feeling anxious about talking to girls. So I got my phone out, set a timer to 5 minutes and said he had to approach a girl before the timer hit zero. He just made it. Then set the timer for me to go do one.

I saw a girl standing on her own and started talking to her. Got a very cold, bitchy response. One of the worst responses I've got for a while. Then a guy came in and tapped me on the shoulder and said that was his wife. Awkward situation. He was sounding a little confrontational but I turned it around with him and left on good terms.

The second girl I approached was also taken and her boyfriend was there too. At least she was nicer when I spoke to her than the first one. 
We continued using the timer for the rest of the night and that worked really well to get us both to overcome our fears and actually approach girls.

I think each approach I did got a little better. Third one didn't seem to be taken but was there for her brother's 30th birthday and pretty caught up with that. 

Out of the 7-8 approaches I did during the night, none of them really went anywhere. I don't think it was so much that I was doing anything terribly wrong. It was that I happened to approach all girls that were in relationships or were about to leave.

Later in the night, we went from the casino (which attracts classier girls, a little older and is not so loud) to one of the nightclubs (which attracts younger, trashier girls and is really loud).

As soon as we got there, I found it a lot harder to approach anyone than I did at the casino. Which was probably a combination of the music being so loud and the quality of girls there (wasn't so motivated to talk to them). I only ended up doing one approach at the nightclub, which didn’t go anywhere.

I'm really starting to wonder where I need to go to find relationship-material girls. They're definitely not in the nightclubs I go to. Maybe some of them are in the classier cocktail bars I go to but I don’t think most of them are.

Online dating is pretty difficult in the city I’m. It’s definitely possible for me to get dates from there but out of the 15-20 girls of met from online dating since my last girlfriend, there’s been only one or two of them who I’d even consider for a relationship.  

There are some pretty attractive girls at my gym but I don’t really like approaching girls at the gym in case it goes badly. Maybe I should go to some of the classes at the gym, could be better for meeting girls.

Salsa classes do attract some higher quality girls. But the last few salsa classes I went to, there weren’t any attractive girls in my class at all.
Perhaps I should try meeting girls during the day again like I used to.

Maybe I need to go to another country. Australian girls tend to be so over-entitled, immature, and lack personality. There are some good ones around but so many are just awful.

I want to find a girl who I really adore and someone I really want to spend my time with. Sure is difficult to find that.

 

[bender22]

A few thoughts...
 
Last weekend I had one of my best friends and his girlfriend come to visit me from my hometown. There are a couple of things that the weekend with them made me realise...
 
1. One really good, close friend is worth 100 or more average friends/acquaintances.  I've known this guy for about 6-7 years now and have developed a great friendship over the years. I certainly wouldn't trade the friendship for 100 'acquaintances.'
 
He's a genuinely good guy, who was extremely supportive when I went through my breakup last year and other challenging times, is someone I completely trust and is someone who is just fun to hang around with. Those types of friends seem to be extremely difficult to find.
 
I think a small group of true, close friends is much much better than a big group of bad friends (people who might say they're your friend but don't actually give a **** about you). Bad friends will just cause you stress and trouble.
 
2. I would really like to be in a good relationship again. When I saw him and his girlfriend together during the weekend, it made me think back to my previous relationship during the good times. I miss that a lot. They both looked so happy together. That's what I want again. But at the same time, I also want to make sure my next serious relationship is with the right girl.

I don't want to spend another 2.5 years with someone and then realise it wouldn't work. This afternoon, I also accidentally came across, a handwritten letter my ex had given to me while we were together, which made me wish I was in a relationship even more.
Being single is fine, it doesn't make me depressed or anything but it is nice having someone who you're so close to and share that connection with.
 
The selfishness of others
 
A sad reality that I continue to be reminded of, especially recently, is just how selfish and inconsiderate most people are. It's like people just don't give a **** how their actions affect others. I don't know whether I'm unusual, but I feel extremely guilty when I do something that even barely inconveniences other people or puts them in a bad position.

Even if it's unintentional. I don't always go out of my way to do nice things for other people but I am very conscious of how my actions affect other people and try to do what I can to avoid screwing other people around and putting them in a bad position.
 
As a recent example, I’ve been searching for a new housemate. A few weeks ago I found a guy who said he would take the room and move in. Until I get someone in, I'm stuck paying double rent so obviously I'm pretty keen to get someone in.
 
I got this new housemate to complete an application form which gets submitted to the property manager for their approval before anyone can move in. He completed the form and it was approved by the property manager on a Monday. After the approval, I asked him if he'd be moving straight in. Based on previous conversations, I expected he would be.
 
But he told me he would prefer to move in on Saturday because of work. Although this meant I would still be paying double rent for the next 4-5 days, I accepted this and told him that would be okay.
 
On Friday afternoon, I texted him to confirm he would still be moving in the following day. At 10pm Friday night, I got a message back from him, telling me it would be too expensive for him and he would be finding somewhere else.
 
And he decided to leave this until 10pm the night before he was supposed to move in to tell me.
 
This is the type of inconsiderate, selfish behaviour I'm talking about. He didn't seem to care. Even though his actions probably cost me hundreds of dollars. It's unbelievable just how thoughtless and rude people are.

It’s another reason why it’s better to just have a few really good friends. The fewer ‘bad friends’ you have in your life, the less you’ll get screwed over with people.

Taking time for introspection
 
As much as these journals do help me review parts of my own life, I wish I had better introspection skills. I think taking time for introspection and reflecting on your own life and where you're at are extremely important. Without doing so, time seems to just slip away without any real progress.
 
But deep introspection is difficult and I think it's a skill you need to develop. It's not easy to sit in a quiet room for 20 minutes or more and try to properly understand what's going on inside of you and think about where you're going with your life.

When you’re busy with work and everything, it’s difficult to even find the time for this quiet reflection.

Tonight’s Strategy

Looks like I’ll be going out alone again tonight. My wingman is away for the weekend. I’ll try to stick to that solo-night plan I posted on here about a month ago….

Go to 2-4 venues. Compliment or say hello to anyone within 3 minutes of entering each venue. Approach a girl within the next 10 minutes. And then approach one more girl before leaving the venue.

If the girl has a rude/negative response, I’m going to eject immediately. No point staying around talking to girls like that. Even if it is possible to turn a negative response into a good one, why bother? There are always other girls around who will respond better.

Going back to my first journal thread, I had some really good nights out when I went out alone back then. I was able to get some numbers and even a few makeouts on those nights. Yes it is definitely easier when you’re out with others but it’s definitely possible to still have a good time out on your own.

If I can at least follow the plan and get one or two numbers from girls I like then I’ll be happy. That’s the goal for tonight.

 

[bender22]

I went to a seminar during the week and was talking to this Spanish girl before the seminar started. She mentioned that she was wanting to go to dance classes. I asked what type of dance. She said salsa. I told her I'd been going to salsa classes and said she should go to the salsa school I've been attending.

After the seminar finished, she came back over to me and asked me about the salsa classes. I told her I usually go on a Monday or Tuesday night and suggested she come this next Monday or Tuesday. I gave her one of my business cards and told her to text me and I'd let her know when I'd be going next. 

I really should have got her number. Probably in the back of my mind, I was thinking it was a business event and I didn't want to look like a creepy guy trying to get girls numbers. But I shouldn't have let that stop me. 

She took my card and sounded like she was going to contact me. But so far I haven't heard anything.

Went out on Friday night but it was unusually quiet so we didn't stay out long. Nothing much to report.

My wingman and I decided we'd get drunk on Saturday night for a change. (I go out completely sober 90% of the time)

I definitely talked to more girls during the night than I normally would as a result of drinking. Although I still have trouble approaching girls when I'm drunk, it's a lot easier than when I'm sober.

There's a lot less overthinking and doubting when I see a girl to approach. I don't worry so much about what to say or what could go wrong.

I also seem to find it easier to come up with random stuff to keep the conversation going. I noticed last night, I was able to come up with some good situational openers. For example, there were two girls near me and a guy dancing in front of them who was clearly a very flamboyant gay guy. I approached one of the girls and pointed to the gay guy and asked if he was her boyfriend. It got me in well.

Perhaps my best interaction of the night was with a Colombian girl who approached me. Apparently she had come to view my apartment with her friend (I've been searching for a new housemate) and she remembered me. If she hadn't approached me, I wouldn't have recognized her.

We were talking for a while, everything going well and then she went back to her friends suddenly. I talked to her again a bit later. Probably should have tried to get her number.

Had a few more 'okay' interactions during the night but nothing amazing. 

.......................................

I've found a new housemate...Spanish girl around my age and pretty good looking. She's moving in tomorrow. It will be my first experience living with a girl, which is cool. Not really expecting anything to happen (and I obviously don't want to risk making things awkward by hitting on her) but it will be nice just to have a girl around to talk to everyday. Hopefully she has some cute friends too 

 

[bender22]

Housemate

I've been spending a lot of time with my new housemate. She's pretty amazing. Very attractive, fun, positive, authentic, kind. Just a really cool girl.

And it's been great getting to know her and spending time with her. At the moment, we're just friends and I don't think we'd ever date or anything...she's a bit more outgoing than what I'd want in a girlfriend and she'll probably be going back to Spain in a few months anyway.

But living with her is giving me daily practice talking to and flirting with a good looking girl, which is helpful. And I think it's helping to expose some of my strengths and weaknesses with interacting with girls.

Based on these few weeks of spending time with her, I'd say my strengths are - holding strong eye contact and speaking confidently. I think this sub-communicates that I am fairly comfortable around attractive girls and have been around around attractive girls before. 

My weaknesses are getting stuck in the platonic/friend zone. While I have been intentionally careful with this girl, not to be overly flirty or sexual because I don't want to make things awkward since we're living together, I could've pushed things further with a fairly low risk of making it awkward. 

We have talked about ex boyfriends/girlfriends, dating, girls, drinking and other edgy topics a little bit, we haven't really gone deep into any of these topics. I need to be willing to risk making things a little uncomfortable for the reward of making the interaction more fun/sexual. Not just with her but with any girl I'm attracted to. When I have done this in the past, it's worked out well for me. 

Same with touching and being physical. To be honest, I really suck at this. I'm way too afraid of making girls uncomfortable by touching them and coming off as creepy. My housemate (and many other girls I've met) is obviously a lot more comfortable with touching than I am. She'll often just touch me on the arm or shoulder and it's very natural. A few nights ago, when we were watching a movie together and i was showing her something on my phone. She got right next to me and was basically leaning on me and looked super comfortable with that. I need to be able to do the same. 

One thing I'm improving on a lot is teasing girls. I could still improve on this but it definitely makes the interaction more fun and flirty when I do it right.

Date Tonight

I've got a date lined up with a girl from Bumble tonight. Here's what I want to work on - 

Talk about other girls - this is something that has worked extremely well for me when I've done it in the past. Just talking about ex girlfriends, going on dates in the past with other girls, etc. I think girls just want to know that other girls have approved of you in the past. Also when talking about other girls, it's easy to transition into more sexual topics. 

I've also found that also helps is showing the girl that although you've had experience with plenty of other girls, you are still selective and don't just go for any girl.

A line a like to use on my Tinder dates is 'there's a lot of girls on Tinder who I probably wouldn't want to meet.' This makes her feel more special that you wanted to go on a date with her. Also saying something like it's hard to find girls I really like. This lets her know that you're selective and she might have to win you over. 

Leading the conversation - based on what I've seen in our Bumble conversation, I think this girl could easily lead the conversation. But unless she leads the conversation in the direction of more edgy topics (which I don't think she would) I could quickly become stuck in the platonic zone. 

Get her out of the bar - We're going to meet at a bar. Assuming things are going well, I need to be the one to suggest going out for a walk or to another location. The past few dates, the girl has done this herself...which is fine. But I think it's better coming from the guy.

Compliment her - I very rarely compliment girls. I think it's because so many other guys do it in a needy way and I don't want to come across like that. But I think a few compliments wouldn't hurt.

Feeling Stuck

Quite honestly, I feel very stuck in my life right now. My new job here didn't really work out...my business isn't going nearly as well as I'd like it to...I feel stuck with my dating life..

And I really just don't know what I want. I don't know what type of work I want to be doing, I often wonder if I'd be better off in a different field. 

I like having a business but I don't know whether the type of business I'm in right now is right for me. I feel like I just don't have the drive for it. It's hard for me to get really excited about it.

I only have a month left on the lease of my apartment and I don't know what I'm going to do with that. I'd like to stay here in my new city but the opportunities here for career, dating and business seem limited. I don't know whether I should go back to my old city. 

It's hard. And I'm scared I'm just wasting my time without going anywhere. 

When I feel stuck, I usually end up doing nothing. Just wasting time. Uncertainty leads to inaction.

I just don't know what the answer is. It would be nice to have a roadmap in front of my to follow that would lead to something good...but I don't. 

There is just over 4 months left in the year and I really don't know what I've done with the year. Yes, I've moved to a new city and become more independent which is cool. But I don't have much more to show for it.

Since moving cities, my dating life has got worse. My business is making less money than it was before. I'm making less money than I was before overall. I haven't made a lot of new friends. And I'm still no wiser on what I want. 

I'm not unhappy though. I don't feel depressed or anything. But in the back of my mind, I know I could be doing much more with my life.

 

[bender22]

Friday night date went pretty well. Kissed her a few times and got her to come back to my place, but nothing else happened. Think I did everything I mentioned in the post above pretty well, except complimenting her.

Good mix of normal conversation and more sexual/flirty conversation. Also, didn't spend too long sitting in the bar before going out for a walk this time.

Things I could've done better? I could've been more physical. Until I first kissed her (about 2 hours into the date) I'd barely touched her..besides hugging her when I first saw her. When we went out for a walk, we sat down on a park bench and I could've got a lot closer to her here.

She also seemed pretty open talking about more sexual topics so I probably could've gone further with that.
...............................

I was thinking I should try going out during the day to meet girls like I used to. It's scary approaching girls during the day, but it's a lot easier than at night once you get a conversation started I think.

And I live just a 5 minute drive from one of the top tourist spots in Australia so there should be enough girls around to talk to. If I'm still here in summer, it should be great.

I might need to go back to basics first and re-gain some approach confidence. Perhaps some sort of 30 day challenge where I go out and talk to a stranger during the day, every day might help. I did something like that years ago.
...................

My wingman is away at the moment so I didn't go out at night over the weekend. And I don't know any other guys here who go out regularly. Another reason to start talking to girls during the day again.

My wingman is away at the moment so I didn't go out at night over the weekend. And I don't know any other guys here who go out regularly. Another reason to start talking to girls during the day again.

I've just been reading through my old journal from five years ago. Wow, I was approaching things differently back then. I seemed so much more committed to this than what I am right now.

I was just reading about some days where I went out with a friend during the day and approached 4+ girls and did alright! (Funny that I actually remember many of these quite clearly when I read about them) I wasn't getting amazing results at the time but the consistent action taking was building momentum which probably lead to the better results I was able to get later on.

Since being single again, I don't think I've ever built up any consistency and momentum. I've had a few decent nights out but it's been sporadic. The only real results (with girls/dating) I've got have been from online dating.

When I got out of my relationship, I probably needed to go back to basics. Just like when I first started out with all of this. I should've done the things I did back then, like going out and asking strangers for the time or directions. Or going into clothing stores and making a real effort to have a conversation with the girls working there. All of those things helped me to improve my approaching confidence 5 years ago.

But I guess after my relationship, I felt like all of that was beneath me. I felt like I had all this experience and wouldn't need to go back to that.

I think that was a big mistake to think that way. I'd been out of the game for nearly 3 years. That's a long time. And just like with sport, you can't expect to not practice for 3 years and go straight back to where you left off.

Unfortunately, that attitude has probably lead to 8-10 months of very mediocre results. Yes, I've done okay from online dating but if I'd just had the humility to go back to the basics and been willing to go through the same process I did 5 or 6 years ago, my overall results would probably have been much better.

I ****** up

I suppose it's better that I realize this now than later on. I need to go back to the basics, just like I did back then. From reading my journal, I can see I was definitely more willing to push myself back then to do what was uncomfortable. I need to be willing to do that again if I'm serious about making real progress.

Starting immediately, I need to start taking some baby steps to build my confidence and momentum again. I'm thinking about small little challenges I can do to get started.

Another thing I got from reading the old journal was an amazing opening line I used to use back then..."you can stop texting me, I'm already here." I think I got really good responses just about every time I used that then one time I got a bad response and stopped using it haha. Time to bring it back

EDIT: Still reading my old journal. ..holy ****, 22 year old me was a lot more impressive than 27 year old me. I was taking so much more action back then and being rewarded for my efforts. It's actually really cool to read back over this...but at the same time, quite depressing that I don't have the same commitment and courage now.

It's almost inspiring lol. If you never read my original journal, go back and read it - "Saying no to loneliness - my journal." It's a much better read than this one.

I need to really kick my *** into gear so I can get back to where I was then. In many ways I'm more confident and sure of myself than I was back then. If I can combine that with the commitment and courage I had back then, I could probably do alright.

It starts tomorrow....Normally I go to the gym around 5pm but that's probably the best time of day on a weekday to find girls to talk to. So I'm setting my alarm for early tomorrow to get to the gym and then going out around 5pm to get some social practice. Back to the basics...I'm going to start off with small steps, just to make me more confident talking to people during the day again and gradually work up to more ballsy stuff.

This is what I should've done 10 months ago. But better late than never.

Friday is a public holiday, so perfect opportunity to get out during the day and work on the basics.

 

[bender22]

I went out for a while on my own Thursday evening to the nearby mall. Thought it would've been a lot busier than it was. My only goal to start with was to just try to spot girls I could approach and think of an opener if I were to approach them. It was super quiet but I still spotted maybe 6-8 girls I could've approached.

Friday afternoon I went back to the same spot, with the intention to do extremely simple approaches to anyone, just to make me start feeling more comfortable with approaching strangers during the day again. It was pretty quiet again but I did a few quick ones, just asking people for directions or where they got their ice cream from. 

I was planning on going out on Friday night but ended up staying in and having a few drinks with my housemate. Probably the best chat I've had with her so far.

I've been reading more of my old journal and seeing how I was taking so much more action back then. And as a result of that, I was improving a lot and getting results. I'd forgotten just how many girls I was actually talking to back then. 

A few reminders from reading those old reports...need to approach within the first 10-20 minutes when going out at night. That sets the tone for the rest of the night. I also mentioned I was using roleplays in my interactions to make things more fun. That's something I should try doing again. 

My wingman is still away so it looks like I'll be going out alone again tonight. But I can't let that stop me from having a productive night.

 

[bender22]

At last, a pretty decent night out on my own!

I got to the casino and was determined not to take too long to do my first approach. In the first bar, I was feeling a little anxious but at the same time felt committed to finding some girls to talk to.

Probably took me about 10 minutes or so to find my first approach. There were two girls standing next to me near the bar. One of them really attractive, one not so much. I turned to them and just asked if they knew the name of the bar.

They were nice but I wasn’t getting much back from them. Don’t think it was that they didn’t like me, more so they just didn’t know what to say. And I wasn’t doing a lot to carry the conversation myself. So I bailed from that one pretty quick.

Moved onto the next bar and found two girls together and approached them. They responded nicely but more in a friendly/platonic way, not like they were really attracted. I think they probably had partners. I stayed in there for a few minutes chatting to them and discovered they were out for a hens night. I was treating this as a warm up approach and could see it probably wouldn’t go far anyway so I wished them a good night and moved on.

Went past the sports bar and saw a fairly large crowd watching a boxing match. I thought that would make for a good conversational opener. There was another guy by himself watching it so I asked him about it. He didn’t know anything about the boxing either. But we had a good chat. He was a cool guy.

There was a group of four girls next to us who seemed to be very interested in the boxing. I really should’ve spoken to them but didn’t.

I probably should’ve done one more approach at the casino but wanted to get over to another part of town before it got too late.
Went over to this other part of town and firstly went to one of my favourite bars/clubs there. It’s usually pretty busy on Saturday nights and attracts a lot of latin girls, which I like.

But I got in there and it was unusually quiet. Since it wasn’t busy, I thought it would be a good opportunity to have a quick chat with one of the cute bartenders. I asked for my water and just asked her about why it was so quiet then briefly talked to her. Just doing that gave me a little boost of momentum.

There were almost no good opportunities to approach girls in there because it was so quiet. I found one group of four girls near the bar, who were probably the best in there. I got a few looks from them so thought that would be the best approach to do.

I went for the most attractive one first and asked if they were Colombian. Turned out they were Spanish. Got a pretty good response from her, definitely better than my previous interactions. She introduced me to her other friends and one of them seemed to really want to talk to me.

So I ended up talking quite a bit with this other friend. She wasn’t as attractive as the first one though and I wasn’t quite as invested as I was before. She was doing a lot more to carry the conversation than I was. I should’ve just transitioned back to the original one but it was difficult.

After talking to them for about 10 minutes, they decided to go out to the smokers area. I probably could’ve got a number from the second girl but I didn’t really want to. Couldn’t see any other good approach opportunities in there, so I moved on to the next place.
Next place was more of a loud club, which I’ve been to several times before. Had to line up for about 15 minutes and I got talking to a guy in the line who was also out by himself. Pretty cool guy and he was just moving here from another city.

I saw him again inside and talked to him for a while. He was also trying to find some girls. I was going to ask him for his Facebook so we could go out in future and wingman each other but then ended up talking to a girl for a while and didn’t see him again after that. I was really annoyed that I didn’t get his contact details because I really need some more guys to go out with here and he would’ve been cool to hang out with.

There was another guy from Kenya, we were talking to in the line as well and I spoke to him a little bit inside. Helped to have a couple of other guys I could talk to when I got inside. Definitely something to keep in mind for other solo nights out.

Next approach was a couple of girls next to me, who sounded German. I asked one of them if they were German. They were. She seemed impressed that I figured out they were German so quickly in a loud club.

It went pretty well. I could see some signs that she liked me. It turned out she was with a whole group of Germans and an American guy, who she introduced me to. I talked to the American guy for a while, who was a nice guy.

There was another Australian guy in the group as well and as I was talking to the original German girl, he interrupted and started talking to her. I couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying but it sounded like he was trying to insult me to her. I just stood there casually, like I was totally unaffected by it.

I couldn’t be sure he was even talking about me so it would’ve been weird for me to jump in and start defending myself or anything. And the way I handled it seemed to work because she eventually turned away from him and came back to me to talk again.

I probably needed either get her number and move on or find a way to separate her from the rest of the group so I could talk 1 on 1 with her without the distractions from them. Unfortunately, I did neither of these things and ended up losing her with the rest of the group. I could’ve reapproached her later on but ended up with another girl.

Next approach was a girl who appeared to be by herself near the dancefloor. She couldn’t hear a thing I was saying at first so I had to try a few times. It gave me a good excuse to get closer to her and touch her.

I don’t think she understood my opener at all but it still worked to get a conversation going. She was French. Most of our conversation was pretty simple, getting to know each other. But I was able to throw in a few jokes, teases and a lot of physical touching, which made it work.

That’s the one thing I like about these loud clubs – it gives you a good excuse to get up really close to the girl and be more physical, just so she can hear you. And in that environment, it doesn’t feel weird at all. For me, being physical has always been a sticking point so this helps.

This interaction with the French girl was going super well. I could see she was definitely attracted to me. At one point her friend came over and she introduced me. I was a little worried she may have taken off with her friend but I think she must have said to the friend that she liked me and wanted to stay with me because the friend took off and left the two if us.

I suggested that we get a drink at the bar. We went over to the bar and were about to be served and she said she just needed to go and ask her friend something. I didn’t know what she wanted to drink, so I just ordered my beer.

When she got back, I just had my beer and no drink for her. It seemed like she was annoyed that I didn’t get her a drink but I’m not sure if this was supposed to be just a playful thing or if she was genuinely annoyed.

For a while, both of us went quiet. She was just playing with her phone. Definitely the most awkward part of the interaction.
I was mindful not to come across too needy here, so I took a few steps away from her onto the dancefloor and just danced on my own. Then I saw a black guy next to her who started talking to her.

I wasn’t too phased by this, I thought if she liked me enough she would come back to me. And after a few minutes, she did.
We danced together, then it wasn’t too long before she gave me the look like she wanted to kiss me. I took the opportunity and went for it. We were making out and dancing for a while. She was a good kisser.

Then she said she’d have to go back and find her friend. I was pretty sure she would come back to me later so I didn’t go with her or try to get her number.

This probably would’ve been a good chance to talk to some other girls in the club. I’ve found that girls seem to notice you more in a club if they have seen you making out with another girl. And there were a few girls in there who I was getting some looks from.

One of them was really attractive, she was sitting with a friend and I walked past her a couple of times and got strong eye contact from her on both occasions. I really should have approached her and I’m sure it would’ve gone fairly well. I was in a good state at this point, had some momentum and I was definitely on this girl’s radar so it almost certainly would’ve gone well.

But I took the easy option and went back to the French girl.

It turned out her friend had left now so she was by herself. She said she couldn’t hear me very well and suggested herself that we go outside.

We went outside and got some food then sat down and talked. I could see this was a perfect opportunity to take her back home. But as soon as I thought of that I started thinking about my Spanish housemate and whether it would be awkward bringing home another girl.

It looks like I’m just in the friendzone with my Spanish housemate so it probably wouldn’t have mattered but it was still making me second guess myself.

The French girl and I went down near the beach and sat on a bench. We were talking for a while and then eventually started making out. It probably took me a bit too long to start making out with her again and it was getting late.

I said ‘lets go and find my car’ and then when we got to my car, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place for a drink. She said she was getting tired and better go back to her hostel. I probably could’ve convinced her to come back with me if I’d persisted a little. I think she probably would’ve liked to. But I was still thinking about my Spanish housemate so I didn’t bother.

 I drove her back to her hostel because it was close. We got there and made out again. She said she’d had a really good time and we exchanged contact details. She’s only here for the weekend though.

Anyway…pretty solid night. Proud of myself for taking action and talking to girls on a solo night out again.

I don’t think I would’ve had such a good night out if I hadn’t gone back and read over my old journal again. It was a reminder that I’ve done all this before so there’s no reason I can’t do it again. It reminded me that I used to be somewhat decent at this stuff and if I just follow the process, there’s no reason I can’t reproduce the results I used to get back then…hopefully better results.

I liked the progression through my approaches during the night too. First approach was very short and a little awkward. But each interaction got better.

By the 3rd/4th approaches, I was more in the zone and able to stick in the interactions for longer and get more attraction from the girls. And by my final approach I was almost able to take a girl home.

I just need to keep doing that with more consistency now.

 

[bender22]

Friday night

Unfortunately wasted most of the night just wondering around and not approaching but still managed to have one decent interaction.

Went to the casino first but it was extremely quiet so I left pretty quickly without talking to anyone.

Next I went to a salsa dancing bar. I saw one of the guys from my salsa classes and talked to him for a while. There was a girl who came over and briefly talked to me. I wasn't very attracted to her so I didn't do much to maintain the interaction. Probably should have just to get some momentum. 

First real approach was a girl sitting by herself next to me. I hesitated for too long then finally tapped her on the arm and spoke to her. About 30 seconds in a guy she knew came over and asked her to dance. If I hadn't hesitated for so long, I would've had more time to talk to her. 

When I went to the bathroom, I got talking to a guy in there. We were having a chat for about 10 minutes. He said he was a friend of one of the top Australian tennis players and they had a VIP booth at one of the nightclubs later on and said I could join them. I didn't end up going but probably should have. They probably would've had some attractive girls with them.

After the salsa bar, I went to a nightclub. Went over to the dancefloor and found two girls dancing together. One of them looked at me and i extended my hand out for her to take but she didn't. Don't think I was confident enough with it. 

Spent a long time wondering around the club, not approaching anyone. Much too long. There was one girl who caught my eye a few times and appeared to by herself. Had a bit of eye contact with her on a few occasions.

Finally, I decided to at least walk over in her direction and see if I got anymore eye contact. She didn't look but when i got closer I decided to talk to her anyway. She responded well almost immediately. She was Brazillian. 

I was talking to her for a few minutes and she suggested we get a drink at the bar. I was able to get physcal pretty early on because it was loud so I could get up close to her and touch her. She was pretty physical herself.

After getting drinks I took her hand and lead her over to the dancefloor. I probably could've easily kissed her but I just wasn't feeling that physically attracted to her so i didn't.

We probably spent about 30 minutes together. The interaction did fizzle out a bit but she still liked me. If I'd played it the right way, I really think i could've taken her back to my place.

But I just didn't want to. Thinking back, I probably should have. I wasn't super attracted to her but she wasn't ugly and she was nice. We probably could've had a good time and it would've been good practice. 

She mentioned a Brazillian party at the same club this Thursday and said her and her Brazillian friends would be going and invited me to come. Sounds like a good opportunity. We exchanged instagram's and I just messaged her this morning and got a response from her quickly. Will follow up closer to Thursday to make sure her and her friends are still going out.

Didn't do anymore approaches after that.

I've been reading more of my old journal. Before going out last night I was reading about some of my nights out in early 2015. Reading about some of the good ones put a huge smile on my face. It's so cool that I was able to do some of the stuff I did back then and there's no reason I can't get to that level again. Just need to take more action like I did back then.

 

[bender22]

Saturday Night

Fairly decent night out last night. I definitely could've done a lot more but still a very big improvement on most of my nights out over the past 3-4 months, especially solo nights.

I started out at the casino, with the intention of approaching some girls as quickly as possible. Took me a little while to find a good opportunity because it wasn't awfully busy yet. 

My first interaction was with a girl I know from salsa classes who works at this bar. She saw me first and came over to say hello and gave me a hug. I think she’s Brazilian and she’s totally adorable. Such a nice smile and happy attitude. Only talked to her briefly because she was working but it got me into a good mood.

First proper approach was with two girls who were sitting together. I approached them and realised one of them was on the phone so I talked to the other one.

For the first approach of the night, with the goal being to just start talking to people and build some momentum, I think I played this one perfectly. I talked to them for about 5 minutes and felt very confident, like I was expressing the best of my personality. They both responded fairly well and were friendly.

If it had been later in the night, it probably would’ve been worth pursuing further and staying in the interaction. But at this early stage in the night all I wanted was a quick, positive interaction so I left after 5 minutes.

I wanted to do at least one more approach before leaving the casino but just couldn’t find the right opportunity. There were a lot of big social groups around, which are difficult to approach, especially early in the night. So I left and went over to another part of town.

Went to the same nightclub as Friday night, which was busier this time. I really wanted to approach early on in there but it still took me about 15-20 minutes.

My first interaction there didn’t go too well. I saw a girl who looked cute and was by herself. I told her she looked familiar. She talked to me but in a very dismissive way. I asked her name and for a second, I thought she was going to open up and move past the bitchiness.
But that didn’t last long.  Then she grabbed a guy she knew and told me it was her boyfriend (it obviously wasn’t). Not worth wasting my time on girls like this. So I moved on. Even though it stings a bit to get those type of responses, I didn’t let it phase me too much.

After that I left that club, because I didn’t like the crowd in there. Too young and immature.

I was outside walking to another club and spotted a girl who had just said goodbye to her friends and looked like she was heading home. She was walking in the same direction as me so I walked near her then went over to approach.

Got her attention quickly and she even stopped to talk. Pretty solid interaction with a really cute girl. We kept walking together and chatting for a few minutes. When we got to the end of the street, I stopped again and said I was going the other way and asked if she had an Instagram or Facebook.

She said yes and added me on FB straight away with no hesitation. I gave her a hug and said goodbye. Soon after, she sent me a message saying it was nice to meet me. Which is a really good sign that she messaged me first and quickly.

She was super cute and seemed like a nice girl too so I was pretty happy with this. I’ll follow up with her today and would love to set up a date with her if I can. It was only a pretty short interaction but I was able to create a good impression with her quickly and generate some attraction.

I think I should probably try to do more short interactions like this at night because they’re probably more suited to my style. I often struggle with longer interactions, especially in loud environments. I could probably get a lot of numbers or Facebook’s from these short interactions if I tried to, which I could turn into dates.

Next I went to another nightclub. Talked to some girls a little bit in the line-up. One of the girls from the line walked past me when we got inside and said hello. I should have tried to properly talk to her since she’d initiated conversation with me. But because she was with her friends I let it go. Wasted opportunity. Shame, because she was cute too.

I was on the dancefloor and had two girls right in front of me who were fairly cute. Hesitated for a while then finally talked to one of them. The club was an R&B club and you get a lot of black, Asian and islander people there so I said to her, I feel like I’m too white for this club.

She responded well and laughed. I talked to her friend too, who also responded well. The interaction fizzled out pretty quickly unfortunately. I just couldn’t think of what else to say.

Next one was a Danish girl who was on a pub crawl. I asked her about the pub crawl and just had normal conversation with her. Tried to get close and add it some physicality. She responded fairly well.

Her friend had given her a card to get free drinks with so she asked if I wanted to get a drink. We got a drink together but after that, the interaction fizzled a bit. It was pretty loud and I was struggling to maintain the interaction.

This is the type of interaction that probably would’ve been better to keep to a short interaction instead of letting it drag and go stale. I could’ve seeded plans for later on to get food or something outside the club, where it would’ve been easier to talk.

I think in future, I should go for this short interaction and get number/FB approach then bail. Unless the girl is clearly super into me, then I should stay.

I still got her Facebook when I eventually bailed but it would’ve been a lot more solid if I’d done so earlier at a high point in the interaction.

I went to another nightclub and wondered around for way too long. By this point I was starting to get tired and hungry. These high energy environments can be pretty draining. I think even more so when you’re on your own. I think in future, I should bring some food with me to eat later in the night.

Only interaction there was with a girl who was on her own and I got some eye contact from her and approached immediately. Probably my best ‘instinctive approach’ of the night. I need to be able to do that more consistently – see girl – eye contact – approach immediately.

Went pretty well but nothing amazing. I complimented what she was wearing. I felt pretty confident talking to her. She said to me ‘you’re cute but I need to get back to my friends.’ I asked if she had a phone and suggested we exchange numbers. She said we can do that and gave me her phone to put my number in.

I should’ve got her number as well. Big mistake. But still a decent, quick interaction. She was pretty cute.

I went to one more bar before going home. I was standing by myself, looking at my phone and looked up and saw a girl I know was approaching me. She was in my journal about a month ago, we met at a seminar and then she came to a salsa class with me.

She said hello and gave me a hug. Looked really happy to see me. She asked why I was standing there texting and I told her a was texting her. I had a pretty good chat with her, despite being tired. There was definitely a lot of momentum from previous interactions carrying over.

So overall, the night was definitely an improvement on recent nights out. I’m taking the initiative to make things happen and having some decent interactions.

Still frustrating that I can’t approach girls as consistently as I would like to and missing a lot of opportunities because of that. But at least I’m starting to do something, with some level of consistency.

Even if I can just maintain, the level of approaches and action I’ve done over the past two weekends, my results will start to improve. But I’ll improve a lot faster, if I can increase my action by at least 50%.

I need to become almost paranoid about what I’m missing out on my not going up and talking to girls on these nights out. Develop some serious FOMO. When you do an approach, you’re giving yourself an opportunity for something really cool to happen. Maybe you’ll get a number, makeout, go home with her, date her..

If you don’t approach, there is no chance of that happening. I have probably missed out on so many cool experiences that would have happened if I had just done more approaches.

I also need to remember that simply by approaching, I’m giving myself a decent chance of making something happen. Girls want to meet cool guys when they go out and most guys in an average club are too afraid to approach anyway.

I’m a decent looking guy (by no means the best looking guy in the club) but I look after myself and dress well. And I’m capable of having a fairly good interaction with a girl and doing a lot of things right, if I’m in the right headspace.

So that alone, puts me in a position where I should be able to have multiple good interactions on any given night if I just go and do my approaches.

 

[bender22]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]My old wingman, Matt from my home city was visiting for the weekend so we had a couple of big nights out. It was nice to have someone else to go out with again. And he has absolutely no problem approaching girls so I was able to get into quite a lot of interactions with him. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Friday night[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]At the first bar we went to, I saw a girl from salsa classes I know. I said hello and talked to her for about 10 minutes. When I used to talk to her at salsa classes, I got the impression she liked me. Nice girl but probably not really my type. It was a good warm up interaction. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Next we went to a rooftop bar that has just recently opened up again after being renovated. It's a great venue for meeting people following the renovations. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I joined in on several interactions with Matt. I'll just cover the more interesting ones.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Matt approached a table with 5 girls. We ended up sitting down with them. I sat next to a blonde girl. A little chubby but quite cute. I talked a little to some of the other girls at the table but mostly the blonde.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I was able to make the interaction pretty fun with her. They had dice at the table to play games with, so we had some fun with that.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]We spent about 25 minutes with this group of girls and Matt got a number from one of them. I probably should have tried to get a number from the blonde girl but didn't. I think the problem was I didn't want it enough and never properly committed.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]As I realised after another interaction later in the weekend, if I make the decision in my head that I really want to get a girl's number (during the interaction) then my mind will commit and figure out how to move the interaction towards the number (or other desired outcome). If I don't make that decision then I'll probably get stuck in an interaction leading to nothing. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]We went outside and saw a tall girl by herself who seemed to approach us.  She was very flirty and outgoing with both of us. Both Matt and I were talking to her as much as each other.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I can't recall exactly how the interaction lead to this point by somehow, about 15 minutes into the interaction, she told us she had always wanted to have a threesome with two guys and would be keen for one with us lol.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]She gave her number to both of us and said we could organise something later that night or the next night. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I think Matt probably would've done it but I wasn't keen. Not really my thing lol.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Later we went to the casino and I saw the Spanish girl I know again - who I saw last week. Talked to her again for a while and had a good playful vibe going. [/font]


There were several other interactions we had during the night but nothing particularly noteworthy.

SATURDAY


We went to one of the more popular beaches around here on Saturday evening. Lots of younger people go there on weekends to hang out, including a lot of girls.

Matt spotted two girls in the park near the beach who were doing some kind of gymnastics. He struck up a conversation with them and I joined in. It went pretty well, I felt like I contributed to the interaction well and make some witty comments which the girls liked.
They were more his type so he got a number from one of them.

After that we went to a bar by the beach around 6pm. It was packed in there and lots of attractive girls. I didn’t even realise this place existed!

We talked to a few people in there but discovered it was rather cliquey, making it difficult to get into a decent interaction. There were also a lot of alpha type of guys in there which makes it hard as well.

Someone told us about another bar down the road that was more chill and not so cliquey so we decided to go there.

We went there and got into an interaction with one group of girls. They had been on a party bus and were pretty drunk. One of them particularly seemed to like me and was flirty and touchy with me. But she wasn’t exactly my type so I didn’t pursue it.

We would’ve stayed longer but needed to get dinner before going out later.

After dinner we went to the casino. First interaction at the casino was a group from the UK. Apparently the whole family was there. Matt was mostly talking to an older woman who was the mother and she was with her daughters or nieces.

I was stuck there for a while, as Matt talked to the older woman. I was stuck on the outside in spectator mode. Then a younger blonde girl came over who was absolutely stunning. She was the niece.

I talked to her briefly but she was talking to the others, so it was difficult to get a real conversation going.

I saw the girl from salsa who works there and talked to her. She’s great and also super friendly when she sees me. Not sure if she actually likes me or is just really friendly to everyone. But even if she’s not into me, she would be a cool female friend to have.

Matt got talking to another group who were visiting from another city. I came in and talked mostly to the one closest to me which went well. Got a fairly good response and she seemed cool. But then she went to the bar with one of the others and I got stuck with the bitchy one in the group. And that wasn’t fun.

I found Matt talking to another group of girls and I went in and spoke to one of the group. We were talking to this group for a while, then they invited us over to a booth they had to meet the rest of the group.

Matt ended up getting a number from one of the girls in this group. He texted her later in the night and the girl replied to him with a phone number and said ‘this is Lauren’s number, she wanted to give it to Bender.’

Unfortunately, I didn’t remember which one Lauren was hahaha. But I guess that’s a good sign.

We went to another bar in the casino and Matt did a few approaches. But they were all girls I wasn’t really interested in so not much to report from those interactions.

Then we went back to the same bar as the previous night. Matt approached a group of girls and I left him to it. I was walking around the bar as I waited for him, looking for opportunities to do an approach on my own…I had been relying on Matt to open up interactions all night so I really needed to do one myself.

It was quiet, so there weren’t a lot of opportunities. But I spotted two girls sitting together and went in to approach them.
Both of them were cute..one was a blonde Norweigan who was particularly attractive and the other a brunette American who was also pretty good.

They responded fairly well to my approach…the American girl was showing a lot more interest and much easier to talk to. The Norweigan was a bit difficult.

I talked to them for a while and was going well with the American but then the Norweigan decided she wanted to take off to a different venue. I probably should’ve tried to get the American’s number before they took off.

One thing I noticed Matt does well, is persisting at times where I would give up. For instance, when a girl is about to walk off, he’ll say ‘hey but just wait one second, before you go….’

And that gives him another opportunity. It doesn’t always work for him but sometimes it does and he’s able to get numbers from interactions that he otherwise would have lost.

While for me, even if an interaction goes well..if the girl says she has to go, I just give up and say goodbye most of the time. I need to persist a little more.

We had one more interaction out on the street, which went pretty well. Two girls who both seemed to like us. But they were about to go home and were leaving the next day.

I also bumped into that Spanish girl again out on the street. Seem to be seeing her everywhere haha.

So I did talk to a lot of people during the night but unfortunately not much transpired from it. I think I was too passive in the interactions and I was relying on Matt far too much.
 
SUNDAY & MONDAY
On Sunday afternoon, Matt and I went to the beach. Matt opened an interaction with a girl sitting by herself. We got talking to her for a while and it turned out she had moved here from the same city as me (about 5 minutes from where I lived) plus we had a lot of other stuff in common.

Sensing a good opportunity, I made the decision that I would like to stay in contact with this girl so I needed to get her contacts. Even though Matt had opened the interaction, I had a lot more in common and more to gain from it so I tried to control the interaction as much as possible instead of letting him lead it as I often do.

I ended up getting her Facebook and said I’d be in touch. She seemed like a really cool, genuine girl so I was happy with that. Which reminds me, I need to follow up with her.

Went to salsa class on Monday evening. When I got there, it was social dancing before the classes started. I saw the girl who works at the casino and went over to talk with her.

While I was watching the social dancing, I spotted one girl who really grabbed my attention. Very cute.

When the classes started, I saw she was going to be in the same class I was doing. Each time I got around to dancing with her during the class, we chatted a flirted a bit. Even when I was dancing with the other girls, we were looking at each other.

After the class I chatted to her again. There was another guy from the class trying to talk to her as well but she seemed more interested in me.

They were doing social dancing again after the class and she actually asked me if I wanted to dance. We danced one song and had a lot of fun with it. Both of us were smiling and laughing the whole time.

Then after that I kept talking to her, getting to know her. Seemed to be going well. And then the interaction seemed to stall out. She went quiet and it felt like she lost interest.

She had told me that she has been going to the salsa night on Fridays at the bar I’ve been going to recently. So I suggested we add each other on Facebook and catch up there on Friday. She gave me her name to add her but it almost felt a bit reluctant. And at this stage she still hasn’t accepted the friend request.

Very strange that it turned around like that, after there appeared to be a lot of attraction earlier. I guess girls are unpredictable. But it’s a shame because she was very cute and I liked her.

 

[bender22]

Friday Night

Just a short night out – roughly 2 hours. I managed to do reasonably well in terms of approaching.

At the first bar, when I was first walking in, I saw a girl at a table and got some good eye contact from her. A few minutes later, I was standing near the bar and she came over to get a drink.

Sensing a good opportunity, I went over to the bar and got next to her to order a drink. I looked at her and she blurted out something incoherently. No idea what she said lol. Then she said how she saw me before.

Had a bit of conversation going for a while and then the bartender served her which kinda ruined it. That’s the problem with talking to girls next to the bar. It’s quite easy to start a conversation there, but it’s just a matter of time before one of you will be interrupted by a bartender, which makes things difficult.

In my last report I talked about how my wingman Matt was able to save interactions when the girls were about to leave by saying ‘hang on..wait 2 seconds..”

I needed to do that in this interaction. When she was about to take her drink back to her friends, all I needed to say was ‘oh just 2 seconds before you go back to your friends..who are you here with? Bla bla bla”

That would’ve been enough to keep her there and then I could’ve gone for the number before she went back.
But instead, I just let her go ☹

Next approach was in the outside area. I saw two girls sitting together then one of them went inside. Thought I’d take the opportunity to approach the one still outside while she was on her own.

I think I expressed myself pretty well in the interaction and felt fairly confident. Her friend came back and I briefly talked to the friend then they decided to go inside. Don’t think I did anything terribly wrong here…they just weren’t interested.

Again, I could’ve said oh wait a second before you go inside….. But even if I’d done that I don’t think it would’ve lead anywhere with these girls.

Next approach was back inside near the bar. Girl on her own came towards the bar, looked towards me and stopped near me.
I started talking to her pretty quickly…which is good – the less hesitation, the better.

Got a good response – big smile on her face, was laughing. My verbal and non-verbal communication was pretty strong, I felt. But then a few minutes in, a guy she knew came in and she moved over to the bar to get a drink with him.

Not sure if the guy was just a friend or boyfriend. Either way..I left it.

Went to another club and talked to a couple of chubby girls in the line behind me.

When I got inside, I looked around trying to find good opportunities to approach. But it was very difficult to find anything good.

It’s a club I’ve been to several times before and I only go because it’s free entry. But the type of people it attracts is pretty terrible. It’s all young, immature, annoying people. There are some attractive girls there but besides a small minority, they look very annoying.

Realizing I had no desire to approach anyone in there, I decided it would be better to move on to somewhere else.

I went back to the same bar I was at before. Had a quick look around and found it was a lot quitter than it had been earlier. Mostly large groups left.

Went back outside and saw two girls on there way out. I commented on how one of them was really slow walking down the stairs and it opened up a good conversation.

They both stopped and chatted. Talked to them for 5 minutes or so. Then they said they had to go. One of them told me which bar they were going to later and said I should come and find them.

Once again, this is another situation where I needed to say ‘hang on…before you go…in case we don’t see each other later….’
But I just let them go. Such a waste.

When I was reflecting on this interaction, I realised something else I did wrong in this interaction and in others. Assuming I’m actually interested in the girl, I need to be more proactive in moving interactions towards an outcome – whether it be a number, kiss, whatever..

Too often I get into an interaction and I just hope that if I keep talking, something will happen. Occasionally, a girl might offer to give you her number or suggest going to get a drink but usually they will rely on the guy to do it.

A couple of things to practice tonight:

1.      Lead the interaction towards desired outcome (if I’m interested in her)
2.      First few interactions of the night – have no outcome at all, expect to talk
3.      Use ‘hang on, wait two seconds before you go’ to save interactions
4.      Try to get numbers or FB/Insta from short interactions – especially early on. Perhaps use some sort of false time constraint – like “I have to go find my friend in a minute but…” so the girl knows it’s just going to be a short interaction.

One more thing, which I've said many times before...I need to be take more risks and be okay with being rejected. I generally play my interactions pretty safe as thus don't get too many bad rejections. But I also don't get a lot of girls who are super into me either. It's okay to get rejected...

I was listening to a podcast with Dan Bilzerian recently and he was talking about how he used to go out and approach lots of girls when he was at college. He said he would get rejected a lot. And look where he is now. Even now, there are still plenty of girls who wouldn't be interested in him

So I need to start putting myself out there more. If I get rejected, that's okay...everyone gets rejected. But I think the ones who like me will like me a lot. I remember when I was at my best, I would be quite cheeky in my interaction..with a hint of cockiness. I need to bring back more of that side. Some girls may not like it but some girls will love it.

Also…I’ve heard that deleting your tinder account and starting a new one helps you get more matches so I decided to give it a try.
And it worked! Finally starting to get some matches again. I thought I was never going to get another match in this city again on Tinder lol.

So hopefully can set something up from those.

And I got in contact with the girl I met on the beach last weekend and she suggested catching up for a drink soon, so that’s good. Also the girl I met the previous Friday, who suggested the threesome messaged me late last night. She was just saying how she was so embarrassed about that…But interesting she messaged late on a Friday night. Might try to catch up with her at some point.  

P.S. Someone should reply to this thread. I feel like I'm talking to myself. Even though it has lots of views. 

 

[Diagnosed]

It has your and its views! However, after 320 posts, you've talked to yourself. What's wrong in typing alone?

It says, "Blend's..."

---

Besides, I'm "talking" to myself my "own" corner... If I came back I could be the same "rambler".

Sometimes I uploaded things on youtube or blogger and I'm ok If i was noticed or unnoticed. 

I don't know, the day I die, my kids would delete the things I left in my PC (too many chances that happens) so I'm aware they will miss what I left behind. We all are prone to learn the HARD way.

 

[ladyforsaken]

P.S. Someone should reply to this thread. I feel like I'm talking to myself. Even though it has lots of views. 

I still read your posts every now and then and I'm still amazed at how you push yourself and how you pick yourself up even after days that don't go so well.

It's an inspiration to me at times when I'm feeling ******, though most times I don't really know what to say cos I'm very inexperienced in socialising and meeting people lol. Let's just say, I'm just trying to learn from your experiences written here.

I still don't have the guts to just walk up to someone else and talk to them.... I don't think that's ever my type of person but who knows really. I never pushed myself to try.

 

[Diagnosed]

She has the guts!

Just read how she writes BUT, If you met her, give PLENTY room SHE talks: Ladies like to talk!

Here's a tip: Bring a selfpoised Chihuahua the 1 day...

 

[bender22]

Thanks for the comments, I'm glad I'm not the only one here haha 

SATURDAY NIGHT

This was a pretty uninspiring night that somehow turned into a good night.

First bar I went to, I talked to a couple of older women at the bar briefly. That was my warmup interaction for the night.

Found it very difficult to approach for most of the night. Unlike the previous night and other nights recently, I just didn’t seem to make the mental commitment to talking to people.

I went to another club and wondered around for a long time without approaching anyone. Finally I got talking to a group of American girls. But it didn’t last too long.

I saw the Nigerian guy I had met a few weeks back and talked to him for a while. He seemed to be having the same problem as me, not being able to talk to anyone.

We decided to go to another venue.

Got there and ended up standing around in spectator mode. There was one really cute girl that got my attention. I wanted to approach her but then another guy got in before me.

A little later, I was standing near the toilets and a girl walked past towards the toilets and gave me good eye contact. I thought I’d wait around until she came back from the toilet.

She came out a few minutes later and gave me eye contact again. This time I responded quickly, pointing at her and signalling her to come to me – which she did.

Talked to her for a bit, she was German. Pretty early in the interaction I could tell it was on.

We went over to some seats near us to sit down and I took her hand and pulled her onto the same seat as me. She seemed to like this…

And next second, we were having an intense makeout.

This lasted about 10-15 minutes, making out, with a little talking in between. She was all over me.

I asked her about her friends, who she was there with, etc… She didn’t seem too concerned about her friends so I thought it would be quite possible to get her out of the club and go somewhere else with her.

I told her I was hungry and we should go get pizza. I said that a couple of times until she agreed. Then I took her hand and lead her out of the club.

This was good..I was actually being proactive in moving the interaction forwards. Instead of just hoping something would magically happen. That’s exactly what I was saying I need to do in my previous post.

We walked towards the pizza place and continued kissing more along the way. All signs were looking good and I had the interaction right where I wanted it.

We got pizza (I’m supposed to be doing grain free diet at the moment but unfortunately there’s not many other options around at 1:30am) Then we took our pizza slices to a quite alley.

As I write this, I realise it sounds a little creepy taking her into a quite, dark alley haha but it was actually her idea. We sat in the alley and ate our pizza.

Being conscious of the fact that girls can very quickly lose interest if the interaction gets boring, I just kept talking gibberish the whole time to stop it from stalling out.

After finishing our pizza slices, I stood up, took her hand, pulled her up, made out with her, pushed her against the wall behind her (girls seem to love this) and continued making out.

A group of police officers walked down the alley as I had her up against the wall. They just looked at us and said ‘hey guys are you having a good night?’ and then kept walking. Hahaha, fortunately police are very friendly around here.

We walked to another spot and I started thinking about how I could get her back to my place. As I kept talking gibberish, we started talking about wine. She said she really likes wine, so I had my excuse to go back to my place.

I said I’ve got a bottle of wine back at my place and we should go back to drink it. She was a little uncertain and hesitant at first and started saying she might need to go back and find her friends.

I took the pressure off by saying if she really wants to go back to her friends, she can but it would be cool to hang out and drink some wine.

With a little persistence. I got her to agree. Even though I had my car nearby and could’ve driven, I decided it would be better to get a taxi.

If girls know that you’re sober and capable of driving, I think they start to worry more about being judged. Which isn’t good. I did actually have a few drinks earlier in the night but I was pretty sober by this point and probably would've been fine to drive.

So we found a taxi and went back to my place. My housemates were still up and in the kitchen, which was rather awkward but I handled it alright. We opened up the wine and had some fun.

Although I didn’t do nearly as many approaches as I was hoping to, I still ended up having a really good night. And I did a lot of things really well in that last interaction so quite happy with myself for that.

One thing that I had realized in the past but sort of forgotten - that is meeting people like this is a complete win win for everyone involved. Sometimes I worry that by approaching girls, I'll just be annoying them.

But when an interaction goes well, it makes the girl's day a lot better as well. No doubt, the German girl I just wrote about had a far more enjoyable, memorable night than she would've otherwise, thanks to me.

 

[bender22]

As I was lying awake last night, unable to go to sleep I had a couple of interesting thoughts. 


I thought back to when I was in a relationship. It looked like a real possibility that I would never be single again in my life. That I would never have the chance to go out and meet new girls, go on first dates, makeout with girls at clubs, take girls home. I thought that part of my life was over.

And it scared me. Although going out and meeting girls had never been easy for me and my successes were pretty modest in comparison to a lot of other guys, I still had fond memories of those few years where I was going out regularly and meeting lots of girls.

I knew I had plenty of years ahead of me to settle down, get married, have kids…. But there’s only a fairly small window in your life to go out, party and try to seduce girls.. At least before it starts becoming creepy lol! I don’t want to be a 45 year old in a nightclub, trying to pick up 20 year old girls haha.

And that window of time had been very small for me. Until I was 21-22. I was completely hopeless with girls and had next to no success.
Then there was a couple of years where I committed to getting better and managed to have some success – as documented in my first journal.
And then I was in a relationship, with a girl I thought I may spend the rest of my life with.

The prospect of never being able to do that again bothered me at times. Also, this feeling that I had never committed to that area of my life as much as I could have bothered me. It felt like I had unfinished business.

Which is probably part of the reason I never 100% committed to my relationship. The feeling that I had unfinished business, which I could never complete, as long as I was in a relationship.

I saw another thread recently in the relationships forum on here. It was a guy who had just got into his first relationship and thought he could be with that girl forever. But he was uncomfortable with the fact that he hadn’t hooked up with many other girls and the prospect of  never being able to if he were to stay with his girlfriend.

I’m sure that line of thought is responsible for many failed relationships.

I see three possible outcomes from thinking that way…

1.    Someone ends up cheating
2.    Breakup
3.    A lot of dissatisfaction and friction in the relationship

If one person is always wondering ‘what if?’ or feels like they have unfinished business, I don’t see how the relationship could possibly work.

Even if I were to find an amazing girl tomorrow and get into a relationship with her, I would probably still have a lot of those thoughts.

I would regret those all those nights I went out and didn’t approach all those girls I wanted to. And wonder what could have been if I had committed to going all in. I would wonder if I had properly committed, maybe I would have found an even better girl.

What I would like someday is this…

To be in a relationship with an amazing girl, while feeling that I did everything I could to find the best girl for me and that I made the most of being a single male, while I had the opportunity.

No doubts that I could’ve done better. Or that I missed out while I was single.

Perhaps this is an impossible ideal. I realize it’s just natural human tendency to always want more, better and wonder ‘what if.’

But I suspect I would be a lot more comfortable in myself, being able to look back and say I really committed myself to handling my dating life. And the result would be a much healthier relationship. 

So this is something I need to get into my head.

I’m jeopardizing my future relationships and overall happiness, everytime…

I see that cute girl look at me and don’t approach her

I talk to a girl I’m attracted to and let her walk away without asking for her number

I go into a bar or nightclub and walk around aimlessly because I’m too afraid that an approach may not go well

All of those seemingly small and inconsequential decisions will accumulate into a ton of regrets and doubts in the future if I continue to make them.

It’s the same thing with business and many other areas of life, which I could go into as well. Lots of small decisions – taking the easy way out.
Those decisions seem harmless at the time but will probably **** you over in the long run.
………………………
Something else that crossed my mind last night as I was trying to get to sleep, was an interesting question that I don’t think I’ve ever hear anyone else ask:

If you could trade lives with any person you know personally, would you? And if so, who would it be?

I thought about this for a while. Thinking about some of my closer friends, family members and acquaintances.

There are certainly other people I know, who have certain traits or circumstances in their life that I would like to have. Maybe I’m even a little jealous of those things.

I know people who have more money than me, are better looking that me, taller than me, more ambitious than me, travel more than me…

But for every person I thought of who has things that I would like, they also have traits or circumstances that I wouldn’t want.

Some people have more money and success than me but are much older. I’d rather be young.

Some people have a great sense of humour and are able to make friends very easily but they have health issues or family problems.

So the answer, I came to was no. I wouldn’t trade lives with anyone else I know.

My life certainly isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect and there are things I would like to have but I don’t. But overall, things are pretty good.

I’m naturally a fairly happy person. I’m still relatively young. I’m healthy. I have good parents. I’m financially stable. And I’ve had some pretty cool experiences so far in my life. 

The more that I get to know people closely, the more I discover how they have some ****** up stuff in their life. For a lot of people, it’s mental health issues…particularly depression and anxiety.

For a lot of people it’s health challenges. Some people have a lot of baggage from past relationships or family issues.

And these are people who often appear to have very good lives at first glance. But when you dig a little deeper, you uncover all the **** in their life.

So even the people I know who I do envy in some ways, I still wouldn’t want to trade lives with them. Chances are those people have their own problems and baggage I don’t even know about.

I know one guy who owns one of the world's most popular fitness brands together with his partner. His net worth would be over $50 million, he has fancy cars, a good looking partner. Maybe it would be cool to trade lives with him. But then I thought back to when I used to talk to him and remember signs of insecurity, like something wasn't quite right.

I'm certain if you were to dig into his life, it wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows. And being such a public figure now, would undoubtedly come with it's own drawbacks. Hopefully I'm not just sounding bitter here. I give the guy a lot of credit for what he has achieved, it's extremely impressive. But I still don't think I would trade lives with him. 

It was a cool realization to come to - that out of all the people I know, I wouldn’t trade lives with any of them. And it makes me grateful for what I have.

I’d be interested to hear how other people would answer that question.

Okay, time to stop rambling and get some work done. But it’s good to get those thoughts out in writing! Hopefully some people reading this can resonate with what I said.