Friday & Thoughts on Mentally Committing to Action
Friday night was a complete waste. I knew as soon as I got in my car to go to the bars that I wasn't going to have a good night. My brain had made a decision to choose comfort over taking risks and approaching people for the night.
So much of this stuff is mental. The success of a night is almost pre-determined by the thoughts that go through your mind before even stepping outside your front door. This is especially true when going out alone.
I went to one club, didn't approach anyone and left quickly. Had a look around the street for opportunities to approach but it wasn't happening. Realizing that I was in a big uphill battle against my mind, I decided to call it a night early on.
But I felt like I'd wasted a night and was determined to not let the same thing happen on Saturday night. As I was driving home on Friday night, I decided I would do at least 10 approaches (not counting guys) on Saturday night and I wouldn't go home until I'd done so. On Saturday morning I even wrote myself a handwritten note, saying 'I will not go home tonight until I've done at least 10 approaches' and signed it.
I think this is the single most important thing for solo nights out - making a mental commitment to approaching. It's important for nights out with other people too but sometimes if you're out with a wingman, they will push you into talking to people.
On all of my more productive nights recently, as soon as I got to the first venue, I knew in my mind that I was going to go and talk to people and I was actively searching for opportunities to do so.
I was just reading back over part of my original journal where I wrote this:
" I have to mentally commit to taking action every night. Follow the 3 approaches per hour rule. If I don’t commit to taking action, my mind will just rationalize reasons not to take action and I’m just relying on good luck."
That is so so true. It also reminded me of my '3 approaches per hour rule' I used to follow back then. Just as it sounds - you do 3 approaches per hour, every hour you're out.
I decided I would apply this rule for Saturday night. I think it's good to follow a rule like this, rather than just saying I'll do X approaches for the night. By doing 3 per hour, you will get to that goal of X approaches for the night but it also ensures you're using your time effectively and not having long periods of not talking to anyone, which can kill your momentum.
Saturday Night - 10 Approaches
I achieved my goal of 10 approaches which is awesome. Proud of myself for committing to that. There were a couple of times during the night, where I thought I wouldn't make it. But I just persisted, until I got there. I'll go through each of the 10 approaches, focusing on the better ones.
1. My intention for the first 3-4 approaches was to simply get comfortable talking to people, get some of the fears out of my system. I didn't care about getting numbers or anything.
It took me a while to do my first approach, maybe 20 minutes. It was a little quiet at the bar I went to and I was struggling to find good opportunities. Finally I saw a girl sitting by herself. I knew she was with another girl, who was probably getting a drink. So I thought I'd approach while this one was on her own.
I opened by simply asking if the name of the bar was 'XY.' A very low risk opener to get started and once I gauged her response, which seemed positive, I asked her another question about something. This really opened up the conversation. And then her friend came back, so I got talking to both of them.
Went pretty well for the first interaction of the night. I felt like the girl who I talked to first was showing some signs of interest in me. If it had been later in the night, it would have been worthwhile trying to get her number. But being my first approach, I just wanted to leave on a high note and carry some momentum with me.
2. I went to another bar and approached possibly the most attractive girl there. At least top 3. She was waiting near the bar to get a drink. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her a question. It went fine. She responded positively and had a smile on her face.
But then once that first topic of conversation fizzled out, I got stuck and just let the conversation go, then moved on.
3. I was just coming up to the end of my first hour out and needed one more approach to stick to the 3 approach per hour rule. I spotted a girl, I had seen at another place earlier and told her I'd seen her.
Probably my shittest approach of the night really. I could see her and her friend were about to leave and I panicked a bit. In those first two approaches I felt pretty centered and in control. In this one, I felt rushed and out of control. Interaction lasted about 15 seconds lol.
4. Different venue. Took a while to do my first approach there. I saw a cute girl at the bar, about to order a drink and went over next to her. This time I thought I'd wait for her to be served before talking to her, so I wouldn't be interrupted.
I was a bit concerned it may not go well, because she looked like the type of good looking, young girl who can be a bit entitled.
But fortunately she was really cool and responded very positively. We talked at the bar for several minutes, then she said she was going back to her group and invited me to come and join them after I'd got my drink. Then as I was getting my drink, one of the guys from her group was also getting a drink and introduced himself to me and said I should come over and join them.
So I went with him, back to their table and pulled up a seat next to the girl I'd been talking to. It turned out she didn't really know anyone else in the group and had only just met them a little earlier. This was a good thing because A. I knew she wouldn't be worried about being judged by her friends for talking to some random guy (as some girls do) and B. they were less likely to distract her.
We were having a pretty good conversation, getting to know each other. A little bit of playfulness and teasing in there. I probably could have made it a little more flirty.
I ended up talking to her for maybe 20-25 minutes and also talked to a few others in the group as well. I needed to leave time to get in the rest of my 10 approaches and I wanted to leave while I was on a high note so I told her I was going somewhere else and suggested we get a drink sometime. She seemed cool with that so I got her number then took off.
This was a very cute girl and she seemed nice, so I was happy to get her number. Maybe I should have tried seeding something for later in the night. She was only with these people she'd just met so it probably wouldn't have been too difficult for her to rationalize meeting up with me later for food or a drink. Not taking that opportunity was definitely a mistake.
I also could have texted her later in the night, asking if she was still out and tried to set something up if she was. She even said to me just before I left, 'might see you later on..' so I think she would have been very open to it.
5. I went to a different venue and had to line up for ages to get into this place which killed my momentum a bit. Even though I did talk to a few guys in the line a bit.
Inside, I saw a girl who had just taken a seat by herself. Very attractive. Approached and got a pretty positive response. But discovered during the conversation that she had a boyfriend.
6. Saw a girl standing by herself and I walked past her a couple of times. I got a quick look from her on both occasions. I stopped near her and stood around there for a while, trying to will myself to just do the approach. This isn't a good idea, I need to get better at just going straight in for the approach rather than standing around waiting.
She started walking in my direction, towards the exit. As she walked past me, I tapped her on the shoulder. Good - I need to do this with girls who are walking more often.
She stopped and talked for a while but said she was going somewhere else. This is the type of situation, where I need to be able to say 'oh wait before you go......' I was very very close to saying 'before you go, let's swap numbers' but decided against it at the last second.
7. Went to a different club and talked to a girl out the front for a few minutes. She was nice but didn't really look like my type so I didn't put much into this interaction.
8. Inside the club it was a lot quieter than usual. I stood near the dancefloor and a hottie in a red dress came over and sat right next to where I was standing. I took the opportunity to talk to her. It was super loud in that spot and I could barely hear a word she was saying. It also made it very difficult for me to express myself as I'd like to. She was showing some signs of attraction but it was hard to do much because of the noise. I could have used that as an excuse to suggest going somewhere else quieter but I didn't have the confidence to do so.
9. Almost tripped over a girl's leg on the dancefloor. I turned around and made a joke about her being a hazard and said she should have a warning sign on her back. She laughed at this. I needed to move the conversation onto something else after that but I wasn't committed to it and ended up leaving.
10. There was a guy and girl standing next to me. I saw the girl look at me a few times but I wasn't sure if the guy was her boyfriend or just a friend. I thought I would approach the two of them and see what happened.
I talked to the guy first and complimented him on his moustache. Within about 15 seconds, the guy had left and I was 1 on 1 with the girl. But I still didn't know what her connection to the guy was.
I got a good conversation going with her and she seemed pretty invested in the interaction because she was starting to ask me questions to move the interaction forwards. She mentioned she hadn't seen that guy in over a year, so it obviously wasn't her boyfriend. She was visiting for a few days from another city.
We talked for 10 minutes or so and then she said she was getting tired and was going to go back soon. I asked her how long she was going to be here for and she said until Wednesday. I suggested that we get a drink before she leaves and she was keen so I got her number.
The good thing I did with this one and the number earlier, was suggesting some sort of plan before getting the number. This gives her a good reason to give her number out and makes it easier to set up a date over text later on.
This girl messaged me first this morning and definitely seems keen to catch up before she leaves.
That was my 10th approach done! I still felt like doing some more approaches now I had some momentum but it was getting pretty late so I went home.
A good night in terms of taking action. And I was able to get two solid numbers. I also talked to some very attractive girls.
One interesting thing to note was that I had modafinil in the morning and some coffee just before going out. This seemed to help me maintain my energy late into the night. Whereas other nights recently I had been feeling drained later in the night. So it might be worth experimenting with that combination again next week.
Friday night was a complete waste. I knew as soon as I got in my car to go to the bars that I wasn't going to have a good night. My brain had made a decision to choose comfort over taking risks and approaching people for the night.
So much of this stuff is mental. The success of a night is almost pre-determined by the thoughts that go through your mind before even stepping outside your front door. This is especially true when going out alone.
I went to one club, didn't approach anyone and left quickly. Had a look around the street for opportunities to approach but it wasn't happening. Realizing that I was in a big uphill battle against my mind, I decided to call it a night early on.
But I felt like I'd wasted a night and was determined to not let the same thing happen on Saturday night. As I was driving home on Friday night, I decided I would do at least 10 approaches (not counting guys) on Saturday night and I wouldn't go home until I'd done so. On Saturday morning I even wrote myself a handwritten note, saying 'I will not go home tonight until I've done at least 10 approaches' and signed it.
I think this is the single most important thing for solo nights out - making a mental commitment to approaching. It's important for nights out with other people too but sometimes if you're out with a wingman, they will push you into talking to people.
On all of my more productive nights recently, as soon as I got to the first venue, I knew in my mind that I was going to go and talk to people and I was actively searching for opportunities to do so.
I was just reading back over part of my original journal where I wrote this:
" I have to mentally commit to taking action every night. Follow the 3 approaches per hour rule. If I don’t commit to taking action, my mind will just rationalize reasons not to take action and I’m just relying on good luck."
That is so so true. It also reminded me of my '3 approaches per hour rule' I used to follow back then. Just as it sounds - you do 3 approaches per hour, every hour you're out.
I decided I would apply this rule for Saturday night. I think it's good to follow a rule like this, rather than just saying I'll do X approaches for the night. By doing 3 per hour, you will get to that goal of X approaches for the night but it also ensures you're using your time effectively and not having long periods of not talking to anyone, which can kill your momentum.
Saturday Night - 10 Approaches
I achieved my goal of 10 approaches which is awesome. Proud of myself for committing to that. There were a couple of times during the night, where I thought I wouldn't make it. But I just persisted, until I got there. I'll go through each of the 10 approaches, focusing on the better ones.
1. My intention for the first 3-4 approaches was to simply get comfortable talking to people, get some of the fears out of my system. I didn't care about getting numbers or anything.
It took me a while to do my first approach, maybe 20 minutes. It was a little quiet at the bar I went to and I was struggling to find good opportunities. Finally I saw a girl sitting by herself. I knew she was with another girl, who was probably getting a drink. So I thought I'd approach while this one was on her own.
I opened by simply asking if the name of the bar was 'XY.' A very low risk opener to get started and once I gauged her response, which seemed positive, I asked her another question about something. This really opened up the conversation. And then her friend came back, so I got talking to both of them.
Went pretty well for the first interaction of the night. I felt like the girl who I talked to first was showing some signs of interest in me. If it had been later in the night, it would have been worthwhile trying to get her number. But being my first approach, I just wanted to leave on a high note and carry some momentum with me.
2. I went to another bar and approached possibly the most attractive girl there. At least top 3. She was waiting near the bar to get a drink. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her a question. It went fine. She responded positively and had a smile on her face.
But then once that first topic of conversation fizzled out, I got stuck and just let the conversation go, then moved on.
3. I was just coming up to the end of my first hour out and needed one more approach to stick to the 3 approach per hour rule. I spotted a girl, I had seen at another place earlier and told her I'd seen her.
Probably my shittest approach of the night really. I could see her and her friend were about to leave and I panicked a bit. In those first two approaches I felt pretty centered and in control. In this one, I felt rushed and out of control. Interaction lasted about 15 seconds lol.
4. Different venue. Took a while to do my first approach there. I saw a cute girl at the bar, about to order a drink and went over next to her. This time I thought I'd wait for her to be served before talking to her, so I wouldn't be interrupted.
I was a bit concerned it may not go well, because she looked like the type of good looking, young girl who can be a bit entitled.
But fortunately she was really cool and responded very positively. We talked at the bar for several minutes, then she said she was going back to her group and invited me to come and join them after I'd got my drink. Then as I was getting my drink, one of the guys from her group was also getting a drink and introduced himself to me and said I should come over and join them.
So I went with him, back to their table and pulled up a seat next to the girl I'd been talking to. It turned out she didn't really know anyone else in the group and had only just met them a little earlier. This was a good thing because A. I knew she wouldn't be worried about being judged by her friends for talking to some random guy (as some girls do) and B. they were less likely to distract her.
We were having a pretty good conversation, getting to know each other. A little bit of playfulness and teasing in there. I probably could have made it a little more flirty.
I ended up talking to her for maybe 20-25 minutes and also talked to a few others in the group as well. I needed to leave time to get in the rest of my 10 approaches and I wanted to leave while I was on a high note so I told her I was going somewhere else and suggested we get a drink sometime. She seemed cool with that so I got her number then took off.
This was a very cute girl and she seemed nice, so I was happy to get her number. Maybe I should have tried seeding something for later in the night. She was only with these people she'd just met so it probably wouldn't have been too difficult for her to rationalize meeting up with me later for food or a drink. Not taking that opportunity was definitely a mistake.
I also could have texted her later in the night, asking if she was still out and tried to set something up if she was. She even said to me just before I left, 'might see you later on..' so I think she would have been very open to it.
5. I went to a different venue and had to line up for ages to get into this place which killed my momentum a bit. Even though I did talk to a few guys in the line a bit.
Inside, I saw a girl who had just taken a seat by herself. Very attractive. Approached and got a pretty positive response. But discovered during the conversation that she had a boyfriend.
6. Saw a girl standing by herself and I walked past her a couple of times. I got a quick look from her on both occasions. I stopped near her and stood around there for a while, trying to will myself to just do the approach. This isn't a good idea, I need to get better at just going straight in for the approach rather than standing around waiting.
She started walking in my direction, towards the exit. As she walked past me, I tapped her on the shoulder. Good - I need to do this with girls who are walking more often.
She stopped and talked for a while but said she was going somewhere else. This is the type of situation, where I need to be able to say 'oh wait before you go......' I was very very close to saying 'before you go, let's swap numbers' but decided against it at the last second.
7. Went to a different club and talked to a girl out the front for a few minutes. She was nice but didn't really look like my type so I didn't put much into this interaction.
8. Inside the club it was a lot quieter than usual. I stood near the dancefloor and a hottie in a red dress came over and sat right next to where I was standing. I took the opportunity to talk to her. It was super loud in that spot and I could barely hear a word she was saying. It also made it very difficult for me to express myself as I'd like to. She was showing some signs of attraction but it was hard to do much because of the noise. I could have used that as an excuse to suggest going somewhere else quieter but I didn't have the confidence to do so.
9. Almost tripped over a girl's leg on the dancefloor. I turned around and made a joke about her being a hazard and said she should have a warning sign on her back. She laughed at this. I needed to move the conversation onto something else after that but I wasn't committed to it and ended up leaving.
10. There was a guy and girl standing next to me. I saw the girl look at me a few times but I wasn't sure if the guy was her boyfriend or just a friend. I thought I would approach the two of them and see what happened.
I talked to the guy first and complimented him on his moustache. Within about 15 seconds, the guy had left and I was 1 on 1 with the girl. But I still didn't know what her connection to the guy was.
I got a good conversation going with her and she seemed pretty invested in the interaction because she was starting to ask me questions to move the interaction forwards. She mentioned she hadn't seen that guy in over a year, so it obviously wasn't her boyfriend. She was visiting for a few days from another city.
We talked for 10 minutes or so and then she said she was getting tired and was going to go back soon. I asked her how long she was going to be here for and she said until Wednesday. I suggested that we get a drink before she leaves and she was keen so I got her number.
The good thing I did with this one and the number earlier, was suggesting some sort of plan before getting the number. This gives her a good reason to give her number out and makes it easier to set up a date over text later on.
This girl messaged me first this morning and definitely seems keen to catch up before she leaves.
That was my 10th approach done! I still felt like doing some more approaches now I had some momentum but it was getting pretty late so I went home.
A good night in terms of taking action. And I was able to get two solid numbers. I also talked to some very attractive girls.
One interesting thing to note was that I had modafinil in the morning and some coffee just before going out. This seemed to help me maintain my energy late into the night. Whereas other nights recently I had been feeling drained later in the night. So it might be worth experimenting with that combination again next week.
