Bender's Journal: Part 2

[bender22]

UNDERSTANDING NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL CUES

I think this is probably one of the biggest things that guys like myself (who are more introverted and struggle to adapt socially at a young age) struggle with.

In the past 5-7 years, I've definitely improved a lot with this but I'm far from perfect.

I remember in high school, thinking everything was about what you say. I thought if I could just memorize some good jokes and funny stories, it would be easy to impress other people at school and make them laugh.

There was this one guy I played tennis with and he was hilarious. He could make everyone laugh. So I thought if I could just copy his jokes and stories and re-tell them to my friends at school, I would be able to make everyone laugh. 

So I would do that and I would get some laughs at school. But I never got the same reactions that my friend at tennis would get. Now I realize that it was his non-verbal communication that made it work so well. Back then, I just didn't understand that. 

Since I first started really trying to improve my social and dating life 5-6 years ago, I've consumed a lot of content about social dynamics, body language, tonality, etc.. And I'd hear things like '80% of communication is non-verbal' or 'the person with the strongest frame wins.' But I never properly understood these ideas.

As I started going out more often, interacting with lots of people, learning more, seeing some success with women, I naturally started becoming more confident. And as I developed that confidence, I naturally started projecting more attractive traits through my non-verbal communication. But I was still making a lot of mistakes that would have repelled people and I still didn't really understand the principles.

In these past few months, during the pandemic, I have learned soo much about non-verbal communication. So many of these concepts that I had read about before finally have sunk in and make sense. 

How did I do it?

By observing social interaction videos and analyzing them.

Now I've been watching these type of videos for years. One of my favourite time wasting activities is watching prank videos on YouTube. And I've watched lots of videos of dating coaches trying to talk to women. But I never really took the time to carefully analyze them.

TV interviews, debates, hidden camera social interactions, guys trying to pick up girls (hidden camera), press conferences (especially Trump press conferences lol) are all great to analyze.

When I was these videos, I'm asking who is in control of the interaction, who is reacting more to the other person...why is their communication style effective or ineffective...what are they sub-communicating through their body language and tonality. 

By doing this, so many ideas and concepts that I have read about before have started to really make sense. It's honestly such a powerful learning tool for social awareness.

One of the most important things to understand is that everything you do in a social interaction sends a message to the other person(s) or people observing the interaction. This includes, your tone of voice, how loud you speak, how you move your body, your eye contact, how you use your hand, the stories you tell, the type of language you use. 

When you carefully observe social interactions, you really start to appreciate the subconscious impact that each of these factors have.

It also helps to watch other people's analysis of social interactions. The YouTube channel Charisma Matrix has some good breakdowns.

But it's even better to do your own. You probably need to have spent some time studying social dynamics and non-verbal communication first, so you know what to look out for. 

I've tried to look for both good and bad examples of social interactions on YouTube to analyze. Because you can learn a lot more from analyzing what someone is doing wrong. But then again, if you haven't studied this stuff before, it can be difficult to figure out what people are doing wrong. 

Here is an example....

 

This video is of a dating coach trying to pick up a girl in Prague. You can skip to 3:20 to see the start of the interaction.

In the past, I would've thought that this was a good interaction because he got her number. I probably would've been impressed by it. Now, when I watch this, I see a completely different story. Even though he got her number, it was a pretty terrible interaction. I'm pretty certain he never would've seen her again.

My observations:

• His body language and voice communicates that he feels uncomfortable and nervous
• It feels like he is the one chasing her the whole time and because of that he is perceived as low value - especially in her eyes
• At 5:44 he makes a big mistake, by saying "I think you're very romantic." Which she rejects. By talking about romance, it sub-communicates to her that he's more of a relationship kind of guy. She already knows that he doesn't live in the city, so she's not going to be very interested in a relationship with him anyway. And I think he completely misreads the girl. She's obviously fairly young (probably between 18-24). And just by the way she's dressed (clothing also sub-commuicates so much) he should be able to see that she would be more of a party girl. Everyone else is wearing thick jackets and long pants, while this girl has got a short skirt on. If instead of saying "I think you're very romantic" he'd said "I think you love to party," I'm sure she would've responded much more positively and then it could've transitioned to less platonic conversation. 
• Even the type of words he uses, creates a bad frame. He uses too many formal, 'friendzoney' words like 'handsome' 'lovely' 'romantic' 'lovely to meet you' 'pleasure.' He's trying to be too gentlemanly, but that's not what this type of girl is going to respond to right now. There was nothing sexual about the way he talked to her.
• By saying that he has plenty of time to meet up with her and that going to a gig at the Hard Rock cafe was the best experience of his life, it's going to sub-communicate to her that he has a pretty boring life.
• On the positive side, his eye contact is quite good, which subcommunicates positive traits. 
• He tries to lock in a date and time for the date which is smart but it doesn't matter. You can tell by the girl's body language that she has no intention of meeting him.

 

[bender22]

DATES

Friday night I spent with the girl I've mentioned a lot recently who I'm liking very much. I just have a really good time every time I see her. Unfortunately she lives pretty far from me, but I don't even mind driving out to see her. 

Sunday night I met up with the South American girl. She's fun to hang out with but I don't enjoy spending time with her nearly much as girl above.

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I met up with a new girl from Bumble last night and had a pretty good date. She turned out to be better than what I had expected.
[/font]
[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I think overall I did well, but I did make a few mistakes...
[/font]
[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]She was very easy to talk to, which is good and the conversation flowed extremely smoothly. But because I was getting so wrapped up in our conversation threads, I didn't lead the conversation to desirable topics enough. 
[/font]
[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]Fortunately I think my vocal tonality, eye contact and body language compensated for my lack of sexualizing verbally. I would like to see her again and she said herself that she would like to see me again and then messaged me afterwards saying she had a good time.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]But I think I could have made it a lot more certain that I'd see her again if I'd just lead the conversation more and got onto more sexual topics.[/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]We got onto the topic of sex early in the date but I was afraid to really push the topic too much, that early on. Which may have been a mistake because she seemed pretty open to discussing it. I also could have teased her more to make the conversation more flirtatious. [/font]


[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]My eye contact was good overall and so was hers. There was a few times where I ****** up by breaking eye contact. The conversation would go silent and she would hold eye contact with a smile on her face and it created really good tension. But I got uncomfortable and felt like I had to break eye contact or quickly start up the conversation again. I need to get comfortable holding that tension. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]I keep meaning to voice record one of my dates but keep forgetting. I really wish I'd recorded this one because I know I would've learned so much from listening back to it and seeing where I made mistakes. [/font]

[font=-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont,]There was definitely a lot to like about this girl though...she was attractive, a good conversationalist, feminine, driven. Hopefully I should see her again soon.[/font]

 

[bender22]

Quick update since I haven't posted for a while.

Right now, dating is a much lower priority for me than it was a few months ago.

That's simply because I'm spending lots of time on my own business right now..while also trying to juggle full time employment. Business and work are my top two priorities. Probably for the next month at least.

I'm still using online dating apps but very little in comparison to a few months ago. I'm just checking them when new messages and matches come in.

I've been continuing to see the girl I've written about in recent journals and really enjoying spending time with her. 

Probably in July, I will begin shifting more focus back to dating. At that point I should be more active in this journal. Until then, I won't really have much to report on.

Towards the end of 2020, I'm intending to get very serious about dating again. I just need to focus on work and business for a while before that happens.

Hopefully by the end of the year, bars and clubs will have re-opened as well so I can start going out again instead of solely relying on online dating.

 

[bender22]

I finally took some time to get back onto online dating apps again last weekend. I had a few matches build up during my time away from them so I was able to get a few conversations going and organise a couple of dates quickly.

One of them was last night. The other one is tomorrow afternoon.

The one from last night was a great example of turning a tinder conversation around. This girl was showing very little interest when she responded to my first few messages. I was just getting 1-2 word responses.

But then I was able to use some clever texting, which got her more engaged in the conversation. From then, I was able to set up the date pretty easily.

Bars are open again so I went back to my traditional 'drinks at the bar' date. She was dressed nicely and looked great when I saw her. She was very talkative...a bit too much at times. 

When I got a chance to talk, I tried to make the most of it. I think I probably sounded a bit rushed at times. It was like I felt like I had to quickly rush out what I was saying, before she started again. 

There were a few times where I sat there and just let her talk for a very long time. I hate it when people interrupt me so I try not to interrupt others. But I think it could be a good idea to occasionally stop her and interrupt, just to gain a bit more dominance in the interaction. If I just sit there and listen to her waffle on for 10 minutes straight, it could come across as a bit too submissive and weak, which most girls don't like in a guy.

This is probably not a big deal and I think it's better to let the girl do more of the talking on the date but perhaps it's something I should keep in mind in future

At times, it felt like she wasn't paying attention to what I was saying. She was looking behind us at some other people. After this happened a few times, I decided to call her out on it. I did it in a joking way so it wouldn't come across as if I was butt hurt.

I think I did it perfectly because it seemed to change the dynamic of the date. And from then on she was more focused on what I had to say and also appeared more attracted to me.

I tried to turn the conversation towards sexual topics when possible. A big turning point in the date was when she was talking about her previous relationship and I asked her if the guy (her ex) was bad in bed.

She really opened up about sex after that point and obviously felt a lot more comfortable discussing it with me. 

After a few hours, I invited her to come outside for a walk. I could tell she was definitely attracted to me and knew I had an opportunity to bring her back to my place but I was afraid to suggest it.

When we went out for our walk, she grabbed my hand and was showing other strong signs of interest, so I kissed her. I was still trying to think about how I could suggest that she come back to my place but I was still afraid to do so... even though she was so clearly interested.

I still worry way too much about coming across as a creepy, weird guy. I have this fear that if suggest going back to my place or if I make a big move, the girl will perceive me as a creepy weirdo. Even though this probably isn't the case 95% of the time.

I probably need to do some internal work on myself to change this mindset, because it does hold me back.

After I'd kissed her a few times, she basically suggested going back to my place herself. From that point, it was abundantly clear that she was definitely into me (not that I should have even needed any further proof before that). But this made it pretty easy for me to move things forward from that point and seal the deal.

After we'd had sex, she was saying that she never has sex with guys on first dates. She repeated this a few times. It took a few minutes for this to register with me but I figured out that she was saying this because she was afraid I was judging her. This is something I need to remember in future. It's not good for the girl if she feels like she's going to be judged or '**** shamed' and it's not good for me because she's less likely to have sex if she feels like she's going to be judged.

These are the little things that I never even would have thought of in the past but can potentially make a big difference.

So in the future, I probably need to focus more on demonstrating that I'm a non-judgmental guy and won't judge her for anything she does.

Tomorrow's date should be interesting. This girl comes across as a bit more innocent than the one from last night. But I think she probably does have a bit of a adventurous side as well. I just need to be able to bring that out of her. 

Because of the time and location, this date is highly unlikely to lead to sex but if I like her, I can still lay the groundwork for a second date where that could occur. If there is attraction between us, I think I really need to basically start planning our second date.

Also, I realize it might come across as if I'm a lot more focused on sex than I used to be earlier in my journal. It's not that my goals have really changed. I still want to keep improving my social skills and eventually find a great long term partner.

I guess my perspective has just changed a bit. I don't think I ever realized just how important sex is in dating and relationships. And I never realized how important it is to women. I used to have this idea that sex is just something that guys want and women sort of 'give in' eventually.

I think by devaluing the importance of sex, I probably screwed myself over many times in the past. Women would just move onto another guy who did understand the importance of sex.

Anyway, it feels good to get back into this after a bit of a break

 

[bender22]

Quick update, since I haven't been active on here for a while. I've been busy working on other projects so I haven't been dedicating as much time as I'd like to my dating life. So it's definitely slipped back a bit compared to 3 months ago.

Tinder has been pretty useless lately. Might need to delete and start again to get more matches coming in.

Bumble has been useless. I've never had much luck with bumble. May need to try deleting and restarting on there too.

Hinge has been pretty good. Definitely get a lot more matches on there that Tinder and bumble but most of them are further away so it's hard to organise dates.

Haven't been going out at all even though bars are open again. I had a quick look around the nightclub district last Saturday night but it looked pretty quiet.  I probably should start going out again to meet girls in person - whether it be at bars or during the day on weekends. But I'm probably a bit afraid right now after not having done any approaches for months due to quarantine.

Should hopefully have at least a few dates in the next week or two from hinge.

 

[bender22]

Updates...

Hinge - I've been getting a lot of matches but most of them are in a nearby city so it's hard to meet up with them. Might go there for a day next weekend and try to meet up with 2 or 3 of these girls that day. I've been using Instagram and Instagram stories to keep myself on their minds so they don't forget about me before I'm in their city. 

Tinder - deleted my account last weekend. Starting again tonight. Hopefully will get some good new matches from it.

Salsa last weekend - The salsa school I was going to has started doing Saturday night classes so I went along last Saturday. Really good environment for meeting people. 

When I first got there, I sat near the girl I found most attractive and soon struck up a conversation with her. I talked to her and danced with her several times throughout the night. She was definitely showing some signs of interest. I spoke to her again just before she left at the end of the night. I really should have got her number or Instagram then but I didn't. Hopefully might see her again in future.

There was another girl in my first class, who seemed flirtatious when I danced with her (you rotate and dance with everyone in these classes). I talked to her and danced with her quite a lot during the rest of the night.

At one point when I was talking to her, I said I really need to get more practice - hoping to bait her into suggesting that we practice together. And it worked, she said she'd be keen to meet up for a practice. So I got her number and said I'd text her to organise a practice.

Honestly, I think I probably could have gone home with this girl if I'd been a bit smarter and more confident. She said her friend was driving her home and I could have said I could take her home myself. I think she probably would've agreed. But I just settled for the number.

I was messaging her a bit during the week. At first she seemed very keen to meet up  but then went a bit quite. Although I did just receive another message from her as I was writing this. Hopefully can organise something with her soon.

Salsa last night - I went back to the Saturday night salsa last night. There was a cute Russian girl in my first class who I was vibing well with when I danced with her. I talked to her again after the first class and then she was also in my second class.

After the second class, she approached me and asked me to dance. Had several dances with her after that. Before I left, I said we should practice some time and got her Instagram. When I got home, she sent me a message thanking me for the dances - good sign!

Probably need to try to organise something with her soon, while her interest levels are high.

It feels like I'm talking to a lot of girls right now. I have some good leads. But I just haven't made anything happen yet. Probably because half of them are in another city.. 

P.S. If you're a guy and you feel like you don't really understand women, I have a tip for you. Start listening to the call her daddy podcast. It's such an interesting insight into the mindset of attractive girls. I have learned so much from just listening to that podcast.

 

[bender22]

Saturday Dates

I've mentioned in a previous post that most of my Hinge matches come from a nearby city. So I decided to drive there on Saturday and organise 3 dates for that day..

DATE 1
It went fine. Just didn't feel like there was a lot of chemistry between us. Not sure if there was much I could've done differently.

DATE 2
This was definitely the best of the three dates. Really cool girl, looked good, we were vibing well. Conversation was good. I probably should have tried to make it more flirtatious at times. That's something I need to work on in my dates.

A few hours into the date she asked if I wanted to hang around and get dinner together (this was around 5:30pm). I would have loved to stay on and have dinner with her but realized that I only had about 30 minutes until I was supposed to be meeting my next date. So unfortunately I had to tell her I had to go somewhere else.

Hoping she doesn't think I was just trying to ditch her and that she's still like to meet up another time. 

DATE 3
Bit disappointing - she looked nothing like her photos. But after already having two dates already, I seemed to be in a very social state by now so I had no problem talking.

I was supposed to have a date with the Russian girl from salsa who I mentioned in my last post. We've been messaging each other a lot during the week and I was really looking forward to this date. But I had to cancel because I got sick - terrible timing

But it shouldn't be a problem organizing another date with her once I'm better. 

There's another girl who I was going to go on a date with when I went back to my home town in March. I had to cancel that date because I had something else on. But we added each other on Instagram. Last month she messaged me on Insta and said she would be coming up to my city in August. So she's coming up this weekend and we're going to catch up.

And at least one more girl from Hinge who I should be able to organise a date with later this week.

So I'm definitely getting some momentum back in my dating life after it's been a couple of slow months. Still mostly focusing on online dating since the nightlife seems pretty quiet here. Saturday night salsa is probably the best opportunity to meet girls in person right now. But I might try doing some day time approaches again soon.

 

[bender22]

DATES

Had two more dates over the last few days with girls I've mentioned previously. Sunday night was with the Russian girl I met at Salsa classes and Tuesday night with the girl from my hometown who's here on holiday.

Both dates went fairly well and both girls said they would like to meet up again. But I did feel a bit frustrated after both. 

Neither of them I even kissed and I felt like I wasn't creating enough sexual tension. Felt like I was right on the edge of the friend zone (particularly Sunday night).

I did make some adjustments on Tuesday night after realizing a few of the mistakes I had made on Sunday. I was more flirtatious and talked about sexual topics more. On Tuesday night, I rationalized to myself not kissing her, because she had already expressed that she'd definitely like to meet up again while she's here so I thought rather than trying to kiss her and potentially making it awkward, I would wait until we meet next and it should be a lot easier to kiss her and maybe go back to her hotel.

I did make a very subtle attempt to go up to her hotel room after we'd had drinks. I said I could teach her salsa dancing. But I don't know what I expected from that. She needed me to take the lead, rather than just making a weak hint. When we meet up next, I need to take the lead and suggest we go to her hotel room for a drink or something. And I can't leave it too late. If we go to a bar for drinks first, I need to be suggesting it no more than 1 hour into the date.

But other than that, I connected pretty well with her. Think I expressed myself well and came up with some clever, witty stuff at times. 

The Russian girl is super cute too. I really want to see her again. She said she'd definitely like to meet up again, but I'm just hoping my failure to make any move on Sunday night doesn't put her off.

Also need to start approaching girls in the real world again. I like online dating apps for many reasons but I think real world approaches will give me the best chance of meeting the most attractive girls.

The Russian girl is probably the most physically attractive girl I've been on a date with in a long time and the first date that hasn't been from online dating in a long time.

The competition on dating apps is very high and there's plenty of other guys who are probably more attractive than myself and getting all the best looking girls on the apps. I'm also not the most photogenic person, it's just really hard for me to get good photos. In the real world, it's not that unusual for me to get looks from very attractive girls but on these dating apps I rarely match with them.

Just difficult to find good opportunities to meet girls in the real world right now.

 

[bender22]

Uhhh why do females have to be so confusing?! haha

I was going to meet up with the girl from my hometown again tonight. Thought it was almost an absolute certainty. 

And then she texts me a few hours before and says she's tired and would have to cancel.

These things don't normally bother me much anymore but this one did bother me because I didn't really see it coming at all. She seemed very keen to meet up again when we parted ways on our first meet up. It's hard to know why she would've flaked.

At first I thought she'd probably just gone on tinder and found another guy to hang out with instead. But I've been messaging her tonight since she cancelled and she's been replying fairly quickly so that seems unlikely. 

Another option is that she was being honest and cancelled because she was actually tired. But that's unlikely. If she really wanted to meet up, she wouldn't let that stop her, especially when she knows she will only be here a few more days.

When I messaged her yesterday asking if Thursday night would suit her, she replied 'that should be alright.' I didn't really think much of it at the time but that was probably a sign that she was having some doubt or hesitation. If she was 100% wanting to meet up, she would've said 'yes sounds good' or something more certain like that.

So what happened between Monday night and Tuesday evening? 

Maybe it's because I didn't make any move on Monday night and she thought I wasn't interested or would be too afraid to make a move if we met up again. Maybe I said something silly on Monday night that played on her mind later.

Who knows.

Maybe I'm overthinking and she'll still want to meet up before she leaves.

On the plus side, the Russian girl still seems keen to meet up again soon. But these females are so unpredictable so wouldn't surprise me if she changed her mind too. Ahh dating can be frustrating!

 

[bender22]

Ok.. think I need a plan for the next month to get things moving more. Thought I may as well write it out here since it will make me think it through more thoroughly. 

I've been able to get more dates in the past month which is good. But they just haven't gone anywhere. Maybe things with the Russian girl could go somewhere but that's it.

Getting sick of going on these dates where nothing happens. It's good to get the practice going on dates I suppose, but sort of feels like a waste of time.

So what can I do differently?

Keep in mind that for most of these dates I'm just looking for something casual right now.

-I think I need to start laying the groundwork and setting the vibe in my messages before the date. Plant ideas in her head. Maybe try and bring up the idea of kissing her or something in the messages. If I can do that then it will make it much easier to transition out of the 'friendly/platonic' discussion on my dates.

I may stuff up a few more text conversations and possibly miss out on a few dates but hopefully the dates I do go on will be much better this way. Just need to think of some conversation threads that will take the conversation where I want it and create the right vibe before the date.

-If it's a night date, I need to be moving on from the bar (or wherever we meet) much faster. Very hard to make anything happen in the bar. Maybe suggest going out for a walk 1 hour into the date..90 minutes max. Should have done that in my last date.

-Figure out how to flirt better and create more sexual tension.

-Focus on Hinge more than Tinder. Getting way better results from Hinge lately but I still spend more time on Tinder. Might as well spend more time on the app that gives me better results.

-As mentioned in my previous post, I need to start approaching girls in the real world again. Salsa classes are maybe the best opportunity for this right now (going again tonight). Maybe when I go out for walks on my lunch break at work.

 

[Just Games]

Ok.. think I need a plan for the next month to get things moving more. Thought I may as well write it out here since it will make me think it through more thoroughly. 

I've been able to get more dates in the past month which is good. But they just haven't gone anywhere. Maybe things with the Russian girl could go somewhere but that's it.

Getting sick of going on these dates where nothing happens. It's good to get the practice going on dates I suppose, but sort of feels like a waste of time.

So what can I do differently?

Keep in mind that for most of these dates I'm just looking for something casual right now.

-I think I need to start laying the groundwork and setting the vibe in my messages before the date. Plant ideas in her head. Maybe try and bring up the idea of kissing her or something in the messages. If I can do that then it will make it much easier to transition out of the 'friendly/platonic' discussion on my dates.

I may stuff up a few more text conversations and possibly miss out on a few dates but hopefully the dates I do go on will be much better this way. Just need to think of some conversation threads that will take the conversation where I want it and create the right vibe before the date.

-If it's a night date, I need to be moving on from the bar (or wherever we meet) much faster. Very hard to make anything happen in the bar. Maybe suggest going out for a walk 1 hour into the date..90 minutes max. Should have done that in my last date.

-Figure out how to flirt better and create more sexual tension.

-Focus on Hinge more than Tinder. Getting way better results from Hinge lately but I still spend more time on Tinder. Might as well spend more time on the app that gives me better results.

-As mentioned in my previous post, I need to start approaching girls in the real world again. Salsa classes are maybe the best opportunity for this right now (going again tonight). Maybe when I go out for walks on my lunch break at work.

Bender it's interesting when I was first dating you had to meet and approach females irl ,there was no tinder ,social media etc,I wonder if this was better .

 

[bender22]

Ok.. think I need a plan for the next month to get things moving more. Thought I may as well write it out here since it will make me think it through more thoroughly. 

I've been able to get more dates in the past month which is good. But they just haven't gone anywhere. Maybe things with the Russian girl could go somewhere but that's it.

Getting sick of going on these dates where nothing happens. It's good to get the practice going on dates I suppose, but sort of feels like a waste of time.

So what can I do differently?

Keep in mind that for most of these dates I'm just looking for something casual right now.

-I think I need to start laying the groundwork and setting the vibe in my messages before the date. Plant ideas in her head. Maybe try and bring up the idea of kissing her or something in the messages. If I can do that then it will make it much easier to transition out of the 'friendly/platonic' discussion on my dates.

I may stuff up a few more text conversations and possibly miss out on a few dates but hopefully the dates I do go on will be much better this way. Just need to think of some conversation threads that will take the conversation where I want it and create the right vibe before the date.

-If it's a night date, I need to be moving on from the bar (or wherever we meet) much faster. Very hard to make anything happen in the bar. Maybe suggest going out for a walk 1 hour into the date..90 minutes max. Should have done that in my last date.

-Figure out how to flirt better and create more sexual tension.

-Focus on Hinge more than Tinder. Getting way better results from Hinge lately but I still spend more time on Tinder. Might as well spend more time on the app that gives me better results.

-As mentioned in my previous post, I need to start approaching girls in the real world again. Salsa classes are maybe the best opportunity for this right now (going again tonight). Maybe when I go out for walks on my lunch break at work.

Bender it's interesting when I was first dating you had to meet and approach females irl ,there was no tinder ,social media etc,I wonder if this was better .

To be honest, I think it probably was in many ways. I don't want to sound jaded or anything but I think most people would agree with this.. Because of social media and online dating there are a lot of females with very inflated egos. They can post a bikini photo on Instagram and get 200+ likes in 30 minutes. Or create a Tinder account and have 200+ matches in 1 hour. And that's even girls who aren't the most physically attractive.

10 years ago a girl who's considered a '7' probably would've been happy with a guy who's a 6-8. But now that same girl thinks she's above that same guy because her ego has been boosted so much by social media. 

The 9's and 10's have access to professional athletes and actors now through social media, while regular guys have almost no chance unless them meet them  through their social circle.

But then you can say that online dating and social media have made things easier in many ways. A lot of guys don't have the confidence to approach women irl unless they're drunk. At least with tinder and social media, any guy can 'shoot their shot.'

 

[bender22]

Not really sure exactly where I'm going wrong on my dates lately but it's quite frustrating. 

Firstly there was the date with the Russian girl. She said at the end of the date that she'd definitely like to meet up again and seemed very genuine about it. I thought it was almost certain we'd meet up again. 

Then since then she's gone a bit cold. Still possible we'll meet up again but she has seemed kinda disinterested lately and the chances of meeting up again are looking slimmer each day.

There was the girl who visited from my hometown. The date seemed to go really well and at the end of the date she said she'd like to meet up again. And then two days later she doesn't want to meet up again.

Last night I had a date with a South American girl from Tinder. Seemed like it was going very well, she was responding well and everything. Then at the end of the date she didn't even want to kiss me. Will probably never see her again.

Honestly doesn't feel like I'm really doing anything wrong during these dates. And at the time it seems like things are going very well. On all three dates, the conversation flowed nicely, I held good eye contact, the girl seemed to be responding well. But for some unknown reason these girls just aren't wanting to go any further or they decide after the date that they don't want to see me again.

I'm almost certain that at the end of those first two dates, both of those girls were being 100% honest in the moment when saying they wanted to meet up again. But then sometime after the date they changed their minds.

I've been saying this for a long time but I really need to stick a voice recorder in my pocket and record one of these dates so I can play it back later and see if I'm screwing up somewhere.

Fortunately I do have some hot leads on Tinder and Hinge right now so should be able to set up some more dates within the next week or two. But it feels like I'm just wasting my time in a way since none of these dates are actually going anywhere.

When I think back to some of my more successful dates this year, I can't think of anything that I was doing back then that I'm not doing now.

I can't remember if I already mentioned in this journal but I found this girl in a Facebook group to befriend. I told her that I just want a girl who can give me a female perspective on dating and stuff. That's something I just don't have in my life and I feel like I desperately need it right now. Maybe she can shed some light on some of these mysterious things I don't seem to understand about women. Will hopefully catch up with her soon.

 

[bender22]

Finally getting some better outcomes from my dates again!

Four dates in the past week and 3 of them resulted in at least a kiss...

Date 1

Canadian girl..we met up at the bar near me. I do like talking to Canadian and American girls, usually find them easier to talk to than Australian girls. Conversation went pretty well. After we'd had a drink, I asked her if she'd like to go out for a walk around. This was better because I didn't leave it too long to suggest this like I have on previous dates.

We ended up going to another bar. We were able to sit closer together there, which was good. She seemed to be responding positively so I suggested going back to my place for a wine, which she agreed to. 

We walked back to my place and I took her to my room for a glass of wine. I showed her some basic salsa dancing, which gave me a good opportunity to kiss her. No resistance or anything on the kiss but then after that it was hard to kiss her again. We watched some netflix and cuddled a bit but it seemed like nothing more was going to happen so I drove her home after that.

I got a bit awkward of the drive back to her place, which was probably mostly a result of being a bit tired. Just was a bit embarrassing lol and may have ruined my chances of seeing her again.

Date 2

Met up with this girl for bubble tea because she doesn't drink. Quickly became apparent that she was pretty inexperienced with dating. It was a long time since she'd even been on a date or anything and it sounded like she came from a very conservative family.

I've found the best thing with these girls is to just try to make them feel very comfortable. Which I think I do pretty well.

Nice girl but wasn't really my type and the lack of experience sort of put me off. 

Date 3

I'd planned a date with this girl from bumble for Tuesday night. Was speaking to her the day before and she sounded all good to meet up. I messaged her Tuesday morning to confirm a time and place. No response. Messaged her again in the afternoon and then she unmatched me out of nowhere. Very strange.

But I had my heart set on going on a tinder that night so when I got home from work, I went through all my matches and tried to set up something for that night.

Suprisingly managed to find a girl who was free that night and I invited her to come straight over to my place.We sat on my bed and had some wine. After a while I suggested watching a movie on TV. I started touching her hand while we were watching TV, and it was easy to kiss her from there and then ultimately close the deal.

Not the type of girl I'd want to date but still a fun night.

Date 4

Definitely my favourite out of the four dates. I'd matched with this girl a few times before on tinder but we'd never ended up meeting because we don't live so close to each other. But I was in her area and matched with her again so I suggested we meet up.

We met up at a bar for a drink. I liked her vibe straight away, quite flirty and easy to talk to. Amazing how much difference that makes.

Again, I suggested going for a walk much earlier this time than some previous dates. We grabbed some take-away dessert from another place and walked over to a nearby park to eat it. After we finished our dessert, I kissed her and we had a fairly long and good kiss. 

The overall vibe at this point was very good. A lot of sexual tension between us and I could tell from the way she was looking at me that she was liking it. We were fairly close to her place and maybe I could've suggested going back there but it was getting late and I had a long drive home so I didn't try.

We went to her car and she drove me back to where I was parked. We made out a bit more before I left. I should definitely be able to set up a second date with her as long as I don't leave it too late. 

....................

So overall, much better results than some of my other more recent dates. I didn't really do much different than those other dates but I think taking the initiative to move the date to a different location faster definitely helped. 

One thing I could work on is more teasing and banter with these girls. There's a new girl at my work, who is working pretty closely with me. She has a boyfriend so I'm not trying to pick her up or anything but I have been playfully teasing her about stuff at work and she loves it. With some people it's hard to have this sort of banter with them but if you can do it, it's such a good way to build a good connection.

If I could apply some of the banter that I have with the girl at work to my dates, I think it would make them much more fun and build more attraction. At least I'm getting practice with this every day at work now, so hopefully I should get better at it. Banter and teasing has never really been a strength of mine but I'm getting better.

 

[bender22]

Saturday Night - going out

I went out on Saturday night with a housemate to a few of the local bars. It's really the first time I've gone out to bars since they reopened after lockdown.

Wasn't very busy where we went and I was definitely feeling some anxiety about going and approaching girls after not doing it for a while. It's didn't make it any easier with the restrictions in place. You have to just sit at a table and can't really walk around and talk to people or dance. Definitely not ideal for meeting people.

When we were walking between bars, I saw a girl I recognised from somewhere and she obviously recognised me too. I stopped and she tried to stop to talk. But before I had a chance to say much, her annoying friend was dragging her away. Hate it when women do that.

We found one bar that was somewhat busy. There was a birthday party near the table we were sitting at with some pretty cute girls. A few of them came past our table and I was able to talk to them briefly but didn't get far.

Towards the end of the night, I approached two girls and sat down next to them. Got their attention and they were responding fairly well. Talked to them for a few minutes and then my housemate came over to join in. But the interaction sort of died off after he came in.

That was about it. Definitely more challenging with the restrictions in place. Might be best to try talking to girls outside the bars and clubs until restrictions are eased.

Friday night date

I made plans to meet up again with the third date from my last post. We were going to meet at a bar near where she lives. When I got there she wasn't ready yet so she invited me to come to her place first. Which is what I was hoping for lol.

We ended up just staying at her place for drinks. I like this girl's vibe and she's very easy to flirt with. If anything, I probably should've gone a little more flirtatious myself during conversation. That's something I still need to work on with my dates.

We played some board games and had a few drinks then I showed her how to salsa dance. Salsa dancing is like a magic pill with these girls because it's so easy to escalate physically from there. After a bit of salsa dancing, we were making out fairly soon. I ended up spending the night at her place and we both had a great time. 


Sunday night date

Met up with a girl from Hinge for drinks at a bar. In terms of looks, this girl was totally my type. She looked great, even better than her Hinge photos. 

She seemed a little bit shy and awkward but I don't mind that. The only problem I have with girls like this is I find it a lot harder to move things forward. It's harder to read them and I get afraid they will feel uncomfortable if I try to get closer and more physical. I definitely wanted to kiss this girl but I just didn't know how she would respond. Whereas with the girl from Friday night, I didn't have too much doubt about kissing her on our first date because she was more outgoing and I was much more confident she would respond well. 

We did talk about sex and dating for a while and she seemed to be comfortable with that. I probably needed to continue going down that path further but ended up going back to safe, more conservative conversation. 

It's quite possible that she was hoping I would kiss her and move things forward and then thought I was a ***** for not doing so or she may have thought I just wasn't interested. 

I really need to think about how to approach these dates with more shy girls like her. She said at the end that she had a good time and said a few other things that would indicate that she'd like to hang out again. But I've learned that if you don't at least kiss the girl on the first date, the chances of seeing them again seem to be much lower. So I'm not awfully confident I will see her again even though I definitely would like to.

 

[bender22]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I don't have much to report on this week..I'm just using this post as an opportunity to get some things out of my head and into writing.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Online Dating[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm getting dinner tonight with the girl I went on a date with in my previous post. This is the first girl I've met in a while who I've genuinely thought could be relationship material. She has a lot of the things I'd want in a girlfriend and I find her really attractive. But I haven't even had a second date with her yet so I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I have several other good leads on tinder and hinge right now so I should be able to set up a few more dates over the next week or two. Hinge is still producing the best results for me. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Moving In 2021?[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I've been seriously considering moving to a nearby city in 2021, mostly because it's bigger and I think it would be much better for dating. I already get a lot of matches there on tinder and hinge and I don't even live there. The matches tend to be higher quality than those in my current city too.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I think I'd be much more likely to find a girlfriend there than my current city. And although I'm enjoying being single for now, it would still be nice to find a girlfriend in 2021. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking I should do it. It's difficult because I am comfortable where I am and have a very nice location I'm living in. But I think I'd regret it if I didn't at least try living in this other city. It would probably be the best way to improve my dating life more.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]FOMO[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Every time I go out to the bars or down to the beach and see these extremely attractive girls I get this sense of FOMO (fear of missing out). I feel like there must be some guys who are hooking up with these girls and I'm not so I'm missing out.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]In 2020 I've slept with more girls than I ever have previously in a single year of my life. And I've been on a lot of dates. But most of these girls aren't the top tier, best looking girls around. The girls I've been meeting definitely aren't ugly and a lot of them probably have better personalities that the really good looking girls I'm talking about.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But if I were to get into a long term relationship in the next 6 months, I'm worried I'd feel like I missed my opportunity to get with more of those very physically attractive. Yes that probably sounds shallow but that's the way it is.

APPROACHING IN PERSON[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Because of the covid restrictions, I've become extremely reliant on online dating now. Almost all of the girls I've met this year have been from online. And because I've been doing fairly well with Hinge and Tinder, I haven't felt so much need to try approaching girls in the real world.

But if I do want to meet those extremely attractive girls, I think I need to start approaching them in the real world. I'm just not photogenic enough to match with many of these girls on dating apps but approaching them in the real world, I feel like I have some chance.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I went out for a drink with my housemates last night and they pushed me to go over and approach a table with two girls. I did do the approach and it went fairly well. I did a good job of keeping the conversation going and holding their attention. My female housemate came over and talked to them with me too, which helped. I ended up getting one of the girl's instagrams.[/font]

 

[bender22]

Saturday Morning Date

Had a coffee date with an Indian girl from Hinge. She was actually far more attractive than I expected. I don't really like doing these daytime dates because it inherently has a more platonic feel to it. It just seems more natural to flirt and be more sexual at night when having drinks at the bar. 

The date went fine, we had coffee then went for a walk down to the beach. She came from a very conservative family and knowing that made me a little hesitant to move things forward. Although in hindsight that was probably a mistake. 

Saturday Night Date

I had my dinner date with the girl I was talking about in my previous post. This went really well. My plan was to invite her straight back to my place after we finished dinner.

As with a lot of my recent dates, I probably should have been a bit more flirtatious, teased her a little bit and try to communicate with my eye contact and body language that I'm attracted to her. It wasn't bad what I did and it worked out well but I could probably be even more effective if I worked on this.

After we finished our meal, I suggested we go back to my place for some wine. She was happy to come along. Got back and gave her a quick tour of the apartment then went straight to my room. 

I think this shows a lot of confidence going straight to your room. And it's something I would have been very afraid to do in the past. 

Once in my room, we had some wine and I used my salsa dancing routine to get more physical and that soon lead to us making out. 

I probably could've gone for the kiss with her a little earlier rather than spending 20-25 minutes trying to show her how to salsa dance first haha. But again, it's an improvement on the bender from the past who probably would've taken over an hour to kiss her lol.

Really liking this girl... she's very attractive, she seems very genuine like she's not putting on a façade, she enjoys what she does for work. She does remind me of my ex in some ways but she's probably more confident and mature than my ex.  

She is a little quiet and reserved though. But I feel like she is capable of letting go and showing a more 'wild' (can't think of a better word lol) side to her. I need to figure out how I can bring that out of her. She was starting to a little when we were salsa dancing.

I'm confident I should see her again but if I do then I need to consider how I can put her in a situation where she feels completely comfortable letting go and having fun. I also need to make sure I'm comfortable opening up and letting my more fun and spontaneous side come out. I'm definitely guilty of being a bit too serious and uptight at times myself. Perhaps I just need more alcohol aha.

This is something I need to be aware of with all these girls, not just this one. If I'm too serious and uptight myself, then they're probably not going to relax and let go themselves. The girl from my report a few weeks ago (I stayed over at her place) is really easy to have fun with, which I like about her. And that makes it easier for me to relax and joke around. 

...............

I'm happy with the progress I've made in my dating life in the last few months. It's been an interesting year - around March/April I had a few girls I was seeing regularly and I was getting a lot of dates from dating apps. 

And then I shifted my focus away from dating and more onto my business. Soon my dating life basically went back to zero. 

Then about 3 months ago I realized I needed to put more focus into getting my dating life back to where it was. It took me a while to get there but I'd say my dating life right now is as good as it has ever been. I've got two girls I like who I could probably keep seeing for at least another month or two. Who knows, maybe one of them could even turn into something more.

I'm not sure if I'm going on quite as many dates as I was in March/April. It was probably easier to go on more dates back then because I was working from home and not full time. But the girls I have been on dates with in the last month or so have been higher quality than back in March/April.

I'd still like to be meeting more girls out at bars again rather than relying on dating apps so much. But aside from that, things are pretty good. 

I'm considering hitting the gym really hard for the next 2-3 months so I can put on more muscle and try to get my looks up. Would be interested to see if that makes much difference. I did get pretty jacked when I was around 20-21 but back then I wasn't using dating apps, I was barely going out so I didn't really see what impact it had with girls.

I'm still in good shape but I'm fairly thin. If I can put on more muscle it would probably help me more if I start going out to bars more often. I could also get some new photos for Tinder and Hinge. I do need to eat A LOT of food though to gain muscle. And I feel like that's not so good for my mental clarity, which is very important to me these days. Hopefully the extra exercise would balance it out. Perhaps I'll try it for a couple of weeks and if I notice I'm losing my mental sharpness, I can just stop and return to my regular diet.

To get good results in the dating game, I do feel like it's fairly important to put effort into your physical appearance. Your looks aren't everything and if you're a good looking guy with no confidence and no idea how to talk to women, you'll still struggle. Looks do matter.

Since I ended my last relationship, I think I have been able to improve my physical appearance. I changed my hair style, which made a big improvement. I've also stepped up my fashion game - maybe still more room for improvement there. I'm more conscious of my grooming than I used to be. Unfortunately, my hair has been thinning more over the last year which I'm trying very hard to slow down as much as possible. 

Putting on more muscle is probably the single thing I could do now that would have the biggest impact on my appearance. Short of plastic surgery or a hair transplant haha, which I definitely have no intention of doing right now.

 

[bender22]

Last Saturday night I had a third date with one of the girls I've been seeing lately. Although I usually enjoy first dates, it's a lot easier to relax and enjoy the date when you already know the girl better, you know she already likes you and you know you'll sleep with her that night lol.

Last night I had a date with a Brazilian girl. It went fairly well but it was difficult to tell if she liked me or not. We started with drinks at a bar and then I suggested we go out for a walk. 

I probably could've kissed her when we were out walking but I was over-thinking it in my head and didn't end up doing it. Going for the kiss is something I've always struggled with and still do struggle with. I've got some elaborate routines I use to get the first kiss these days (eg. showing her how to salsa and then going for kiss) but those are more situation and probably too over-complicated.

Really need a simple way to go for the kiss. I did watch a youtube video recently and the guy showed how he goes for the kiss. He simply gets really close to the girl, looks at her eyes and asks what color her eyes are and then says 'I just want to see how you kiss real quick.' I think that's a pretty good, simple method that could work well for me. 

Got another date tonight.. things I need to work on...
-being flirty and creating sexual tension
-moving things forward faster
-talk about sex more

 

[bender22]

Much better on last night's date! 

The girl was more outgoing and easier to talk to than the one from Friday night, which made things easier from the get go. 

Spent a lot more time talking about dating and more sexual topics with her. My eye contact was also very good. 

I think having a few go-to interesting or funny stories to tell also helps to build more rapport on dates. This is something I was doing a lot more earlier in the year but haven't been doing so much recently. I told some good stories on this date last night and it seemed to work well.

We started off with wine at the bar. Then I suggested going out for a walk. I knew I couldn't make the same mistake as the previous night and not go for a kiss on the walk. We found a spot to sit down and I didn't wait too long to go for a kiss. We made out a bit there.

I did suggest going back to my place for a wine. She said yes but very hesitantly and said she doesn't normally do that. Sensing the hesitation, I said 'or we can just go to one of the other bars around here for a wine.' Which is what we ended up doing. 

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]At the end of the date, I walked her back to her car and we made out again. She texted me shortly after thanking me for a good time. [/font]

Maybe I should've just stuck with going back to my place instead of suggesting going to a bar. But I didn't really want to push it if she wasn't entirely comfortable coming back. It probably turned out better in the long run going to the bar instead. 

We both had a good time and I've been messaging her today, so it seems like she would want to hang out again and it should be easier to go back to my place at that point. Especially since I've already raised the idea. 

I think she probably respected me for suggesting we go back to my place too, even though we didn't do it in the end. It still showed confidence and then when I suggested going to a bar instead, it showed I'm not too pushy or desperate. 

......

At the end of the year, I'm going back to my home city for 2 weeks. This probably sounds extremely shallow but while I'm there, I want to see if I can pick up a '9' or a '10'. 

Like I've said not long ago, I see these extremely good looking girls when I go out and on dating apps and it bothers me that I'm not getting those girls. I'm not approaching them in real life, because I'm not going out much at the moment and when I do, I'm too afraid to approach them. I don't match with many of them on dating apps. In the past 12 months, I've probably matched with maybe 3 girls, who most guys would truly consider a '9 or 10' (sorry, I don't like using these numbers aha but I'm just trying to get my point across)

I think it would give me a huge confidence boost if I could pick up one of these girls.

The reason I say I want to do it when I go back home is because I think if I'm going to pick up one of these girls it will probably be in real life. The competition on dating apps is just so high and unless you have extremely good photos, your chances are very low. I don't know any guys personally who are actually hooking up with these best looking girls from dating apps. 

In real life, if I can find the confidence to approach them then I think I have some chance. Back at home I have more friends to go out with who can push me to approach those girls. 

To give myself the best chance and boost my confidence more, I'm going to try to improve my looks as much as possible over the next 2 months before I go home. I've started increasing my weight training at the gym and eating a lot more calories so I can gain more muscle. I've never done this before but I might get a fake tan just before I go back. I don't tan naturally very well and I'm fairly pale lol so I think that combined with more muscle would give my looks a fairly large boost.

 

[bender22]

Wednesday Night Date

Had a date with an older woman from Tinder who I had been on a date with at the beginning of the year and then matched with again recently. She was a little difficult to talk to and I found myself carrying the conversation much of the time. 

I still enjoyed her company but one thing that bothered me was that she was getting a bit negative at times, complaining about problems in her life. Negativity is definitely a major turn off for me. After getting some food and drinks, we went for a walk and then she dropped me off back at my place. Had a quick kiss before she left.

I really need to become more aware of the things I don't like in a woman (like negativity). I'm not the type of person to really focus on a person's negative traits. But I definitely don't want find myself in a relationship with someone who has these traits I really don't like. 

I started noticing this with one of the girls I've been seeing recently - we went out for dinner last Sunday. I suggested we go out to a burger place (because I felt like something more casual and wanted some meat for my diet I'm on at the moment). Although I would have been happy to go somewhere else if she'd asked. We ended up going to the burger place and then she made a big deal about it, saying I should have taken her somewhere nicer. Maybe it wasn't the best choice on my part but to make a bit deal out of it seemed very unnecessary to me.

Going Out

I went out for about an hour last night on my own. So many attractive girls around but I just couldn't find the courage inside myself to approach them. Definitely not in the right headspace for approaching girls IRL at the moment. It's like I go out just knowing I'm not going to approach anyone. I need to be able to convince myself that I'm doing it no matter what. 

I think it's probably because I'm doing OK with online dating at the moment, I have less motivation to actually approach in real life. But as I said in my previous post, if I want to have a shot at the most attractive girls, I need to start approaching them IRL. 

Might need to come up with some sort of challenge to get myself motivated to start approaching again. 

.......

Just about to head out for a second date with the girl from my previous post.