I don't understand. Where did I go so wrong?

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

It's 1 in the morning as I write this.......

I've been and gone to an anime and video games convention today, And I've left, unsure of how much I really know about the world now, as I've seen things that contradict what I've been led to believe.

At this convention, I found alot of what one might consider to be stereotypical nerds. Incredibly lanky/overweight, stringy hair, unshaven neckbeards, loud and obnoxious, and whom no doubt have alot of time on their hands. However, I found something odd. Quite a few of these guys had girlfriends at the convention. Some of them quite attractive. I've been led to believe that this atypical 'nice guy' is always destined to live out their lives alone and frustrated. Angry at the world and the women who won't pay them attention......

But it gets better. One of my co-workers was also at this con. Now, I've always considered myself to be somewhat socially awkward. But this guy actually makes me look like Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino in comparison. I spent alot of the afternoon hanging out with him, and his girlfriend of over one month. Also, for all intent and purpose, quite attractive herself. And I don't just mean physically either. This also included the evening after party. Quite a painful experience on my end, given the context of what I'm speaking about......

I have turned 30 this month, and haven't so much as been on a date, much less actually had a girlfriend. And yet, I've strived to improve myself over the years-not for the sole purpose of attracting a potential girlfriend, but just to generally be a better person. I work a 38 hour week, taking home roughly $750(australian dollars). I live independently from my parents in a rented apartment on my own. I keep myself fit through mixed martial arts. And I make an effort to maintain at least 3 social groups I'm associated with. Most importantly, I try to conduct myself in public as per feminist doctrine. In that, if a woman was interested in me, then she would approach me of her own volition. And all I needed to do was make sure I'm worth the investment of time.

This workmate of mine is a close friend. And yet the resentment I feel is quite real. How is it that I, whom have gone to great lengths to improve myself as a person, now find myself even more isolated romantically than I've ever been in my twenties. While my workmate whom, for all intent and purpose, just had to be himself, as found himself a loving and (for now) devoted girlfriend?

At this point, I'm actually left wondering if there's something intrinsically wrong with me at the core of my being......

 

[Xpendable]

Nothing wrong. The problem is that all the advices and tips you hear are wrong. You get a relationship through random chance and there's no real rules or methods that can apply to everyone. Horrible people get relationships, good people get, boring people, etc. Just hope that luck comes to you.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I think that people should improve themselves for themselves. Not for the hope of being in a relationship.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Most importantly, I try to conduct myself in public as per feminist doctrine. In that, if a woman was interested in me, then she would approach me of her own volition. And all I needed to do was make sure I'm worth the investment of time.

That's your problem right there. If you're interested in someone, you have to take the steps to make it happen. Ask her out, show her you're interested. This applies to both men and women.

It's all well and good that you want to adhere to the feminist guidelines or whatever, but not every woman is a feminist. Some still expect the guy to do the asking, some are too shy to do the asking, etc etc etc.

You can't expect everyone else to get you want you want. If you see someone you're interested in, ask them out. Yeah, you might run into a feminist who is offended or whatever, but you might not. It's worth the risk, isn't it?

 

[Xpendable]

I expect women not to be cowards.

 

[Serenia]

I expect women not to be cowards.

Is this not a little strong. People from both sexes struggle to make a move. They are people in fact with fears and experiences after all. Accordinging to your statement should women except the same from men? Or should we drop all expectations other than respect?

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I expect people to discover their worth with or without a relationship. Perhaps I dream too much.

 

[Xpendable]

I expect women not to be cowards.

Is this not a little strong. People from both sexes struggle to make a move. They are people in fact with fears and experiences after all. Accordinging to your statement should women except the same from men? Or should we drop all expectations other than respect?

The problem is I don't see people telling women to grow a pair. So if I don't approach is because I'm a coward but if girls don't they're just shy and I have to accept that?

Neither are cowards but we have to stop this stupid philosophy of making things happen when we don't have control of anything that happens.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I expect women not to be cowards.

Is this not a little strong. People from both sexes struggle to make a move. They are people in fact with fears and experiences after all. Accordinging to your statement should women except the same from men? Or should we drop all expectations other than respect?

The problem is I don't see people telling women to grow a pair. So if I don't approach is because I'm a coward but if girls don't they're just shy and I have to accept that?

Neither are cowards but we have to stop this stupid philosophy of making things happen when we don't have control of anything that happens.

Pretty **** sure I said it applies to BOTH sexes...

 

[Xpendable]

Pretty **** sure I said it applies to BOTH sexes...

Wasn't addresing you.

 

[Serenia]

I expect women not to be cowards.

Is this not a little strong. People from both sexes struggle to make a move. They are people in fact with fears and experiences after all. Accordinging to your statement should women except the same from men? Or should we drop all expectations other than respect?

The problem is I don't see people telling women to grow a pair. So if I don't approach is because I'm a coward but if girls don't they're just shy and I have to accept that?

Neither are cowards but we have to stop this stupid philosophy of making things happen when we don't have control of anything that happens.

There is a massive amount of overthinking happening here. Has anyone actually called you a coward for a specific incident. Even if they have so what, concern yourself with what is actually right, and treat someone how you want to be treated.

 

[Xpendable]

There is a massive amount of overthinking happening here.

I just call that "thinking"

Has anyone actually called you a coward for a specific incident.

Yes, many times.

Even if they have so what, concern yourself with what is actually right, and treat someone how you want to be treated.

I do think what I believe is righ and I live by that. Also I treat people way better of what they deserve.

 

[lifestream]

Forgive me, but having been dragged to far too many anime/games conventions over the years, I don't think it's a particularly healthy niche of society to measure yourself against. You sound like a decent person who has their life together, perhaps you're just looking in the wrong places.

 

[Serenia]

How has your overthinking served you to become happy?

So people have called you a coward, your third statement is confusing. You believe you are right, has it ever occured to you may be wrong? All people are at some point or other.

Well done for treating people better than they deserve, it might help you to be come less bitter if you didn't concern yourself with that.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well done for treating people better than they deserve, it might help you to be come less bitter if you didn't concern yourself with that.

But, is it his job to determine what people do and don't deserve? Is it anyone's job, for that matter?

 

[Xpendable]

How has your overthinking served you to become happy?

If happines comes from ignorance, is worth having?

So people have called you a coward,

Yes, by standars that are socially accepted.

your third statement is confusing. You believe you are right, has it ever occured to you may be wrong? All people are at some point or other.

Of course I can be wrong. But can you actually assert that being right or wrong can change the way people percieve you? Some of the most wrong people ever live very well today and have normal lives.

Well done for treating people better than they deserve, it might help you to be come less bitter if you didn't concern yourself with that.

So it's good I treat them that way but is not good I recognize it?

 

[Serenia]

To the OP don't concern yourself with what you perceive others lives to be, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You sound like you have made some really positive steps, but do it for you with no expectations, but take the opportunties that happen your way.

 

[user 115627]

You shouldn't conflate your friend's or these stranger's success in getting into a relationship with sustaining it successfully in the long run. Apart from that, I don't think you did go wrong anywhere here and should continue to improve yourself for yourself. Otherwise it is a numbers and coincidence game.

Acting according to feminist doctrine will not get you anywhere though. Even if we promote the idea of both genders engaging in the first move equally, it doesn't mean it's happening in reality yet - or anytime soon for that matter. It doesn't even mean that female feminists (since there are also male ones) will engage in making the first move on a regular basis. As always in life, if you're interested in someone or something, you have to pursue her/him/it of your own accord. You should while it's still legal... *cough*

Well done for treating people better than they deserve, it might help you to be come less bitter if you didn't concern yourself with that.

But, is it his job to determine what people do and don't deserve? Is it anyone's job, for that matter?

He didn't say it's his job, but I'd suggest it's his right to do so within his environment and deal with any consequences he might face in this endeavor.

How has your overthinking served you to become happy?

If happines comes from ignorance, is worth having?

It isn't. Assessing what is true and real might not make you happy, but reality is more important than any feel-good belief.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well done for treating people better than they deserve, it might help you to be come less bitter if you didn't concern yourself with that.

But, is it his job to determine what people do and don't deserve? Is it anyone's job, for that matter?

He didn't say it's his job, but I'd suggest it's his right to do so within his environment and deal with any consequences he might face in this endeavor.

If he knows the people extremely well, sure, have at it. But, if you don't know the person, say a woman walking down the street or a man begging for money or any other situation where he doesn't know the person or the person's situation or what he's been through, etc etc....he doesn't have any idea what the person deserves or doesn't deserve.

A person might do something bad, but without knowing why he did it or what brought him to do it, does that mean he deserves the severest punishment possible? Maybe he just deserves a break? (Not talking about rape or murder or anything serious here)

This is what I'm getting at, not just specifically at Xpendable, but everyone in general. Who actually has the right to judge what a person does or does not deserve if you don't know them extremely well? Even then,you may not know what they deserve.

 

[Xpendable]

You should use the same logic with people on the forum. You don't really know me so can't judge me.