I'm not myself around others

[Leapfrog00]

Hey, social anxiety has always been a problem for me, but it seems I also scare others or push them away. People frustrate me to the point where I question their intelligence. I know not everyone can be a scholar, but wow! Some of the people I've met since I moved here, wtf? Sometimes though, I feel like such a loser having no friends. Sometimes if the topic comes up as to what am I doing for Christmas, I often lie and say I'm spending it with a friend or a friend's family. This really backfires when they ask me who, because then I have to make up a random name out of the top of my head. My birthday was a couple of days ago and when someone asked me what I had planned, I said nothing. The person felt really bad for me, and I felt like a loser. I don't even invite anyone into my apartment because I have no furniture or a bed, and the loser in me shows. I'm beginning to realize I'm not myself around other people. It is so much easier to get away with stuff when no one cares about you, so I guess that's a plus. If it were up to me, I would not take part in society.

 

[user 148069]

What was your previous place like if you don't mind me asking?

I get it, the not being able to be yourself and the pressure to keep up appearances and to seem normal. Years back when I just started my first job, I was trying to save money and buy a car. Most people at my workplace at that time was talking about their weekend and next their travel plans or their latest shopping haul. When it came to my turn, I don't know what to answer. All I wanted to do was collapse after work so I didn't understand how most people could spend their week with so many activities. Made me felt like a loser too because I didn't fit in.

 

[okidoke]

...... If it were up to me, I would not take part in society.

But isn't it up to you? You could live in a tent in the forest, away from society if you wanted. What about a commune?

Lots of us have felt like you are feeling. I think that most of us just need to start making some decisions and stop wishing for something to happen that might make things better for us. Even if we don't know what we want, we know what we don't want, so we can start getting rid of such things.

 

[Leapfrog00]

What was your previous place like if you don't mind me asking?

I get it, the not being able to be yourself and the pressure to keep up appearances and to seem normal. Years back when I just started my first job, I was trying to save money and buy a car. Most people at my workplace at that time was talking about their weekend and next their travel plans or their latest shopping haul. When it came to my turn, I don't know what to answer. All I wanted to do was collapse after work so I didn't understand how most people could spend their week with so many activities. Made me felt like a loser too because I didn't fit in.

Ha, I hear you there. I don't know how people can flood themselves with so many activities. Where I lived before, the town was cleaner, cops were pounding on doors in the middle of the night, the drug dealers were discreet, and loud mouths didn't keep me up at night. Here, OMG, people show up at my door looking for someone else (probably their dealer), there are needles all over the street outside, there's so much trash, some of it is fossilized into the ground, people are always firing guns, and you have to dumb yourself down for people to understand you. This one girl one day DID NOT know what a ladle was. How people get by, I have no idea. I stay in my apartment most of the time and write. Society has failed in the clenches of despair.