I'm pretty old. ha. Anyway, we're kind'f off the point, which was about being jealous. I said I believed jealousy was selfish, a kind of possessiveness. Nobody agreed with me but you know, that's usually the way it goes. Anyway, you said this:
nerdygirl said:
Each person comes into it with wants and needs to be met. They are saying, "I commit all of my affection to you and in return, you commit yours to me. We are each investing ourselves into this endeavor to be united." When somebody gets hurt that the other person is cheating, it isn't about some sense of entitlement or ownership. It's a betrayal of a trust and understanding.
The point I was trying to make, if somewhat poorly, was about how you put your statement. You said, "Each person comes into it with wants and needs to be met." My response is that entering into a relationship so that someone else will meet your needs is hardly unconditional love. The reverse is true. It should be, "I want to meet your needs because I love you." When the feelings are returned in the same way then a great emotional bond forms. So does trust.
Commitment always comes with risk, risk that the other one will not live up to expectations, will "fall out of love" with you, whatever. The same might happen to you. Rather than being jealous and responding to that jealousy the way a good relationship is maintained is by discussion and honesty.
I will admit I am different. I do not actually understand jealousy. I've never experienced it. I don't think I ever would. Whatever makes my wife happy is what I want, whether it's me or someone else. I don't care if nobody believes that, it's not the discussion.
The way you put your statement is absolutely a generational thing. Love and affection isn't, of course, but the approach people under 40 or so take to all of life is different. It's more self-serving. I see it all the time in most every place from those horrid Disney teen shows to movies and such. It's why I don't watch them and try to keep my kids away from them. Selflessness is old fashioned, blase', not productive. It does not matter who raised you or their culture or heritage. It oozes from the very center of modern society, this inward focus. Sadly much of my own generation is caught up in it too. The damned entertainment media.
Anyway, when the point of view is changed the likelihood of jealousy is greatly reduced. Maybe not eliminated, considering human nature, but lessened.
In your original post you said, "I'm a jealous person by nature. Usually just when it comes to guys though. I can't seem to make it STOP!!! " Then you asked, "Am I being a typical, insecure butt? Do I need to grow up and learn to trust?" My answer, from my perspective, is that you are being typical but not necessarily a butt. Whoever said youth is wasted on the young is so right. Everyone my age thinks that, "if only I could know what I know now." Can't be done.
The first thing I'd say is that you need a face to face discussion with him to determine if his feelings are truly genuine. The phone and especially the net will never speak the volumes his expression will. Start the discussion and you'll know. You'll also know just how deep and sincere your relationship is. If you know without a doubt he's the guy for your lifetime and believe he thinks the same way then consider how you can make him happy and try it. Forget your needs for a while. If the feelings are anything less then just talk and discuss your expectations, set parameters, talk honestly. So few people take that approach these days. It'll answer lots of your questions and solve your worries over jealousy too, I think.
Last of all, yeah, you just might be hurt. Live is a world of hurts with a few glorious days of joy tossed in for balance. But don't let your fear of being hurt (which could be fueling your excessive jealousy) keep you from living.
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