S
shells
Guest
Dear Mom,
It's no mistake everyone called you Sunshine... That's what you were in my life; the sunshine. My world transformed into a frozen wasteland without your warm spirit in it. I've spent these past four years trying to avoid comprehending this cold reality around me.
You overestimated my strength by ever thinking I would get along fine without you here. You never were a burden to me. You were always more than good enough... Too good. I don't know how I got so lucky to have been blessed with such an incredible protector, guardian, and mother like you. Sometimes I think you passed on Thanksgiving, as some kind of message to me... A message telling me that I wasn't thankful enough to have you while you were here, so losing you on that day was my punishment.
My heart feels laden down with regret... I hate myself for being so serious and sometimes cruel. The frustrations I had spawned from not knowing how to help you. I thought that if I was stern, that maybe you'd stop to see where you were headed. I am so sorry for treating you the way I did, especially towards the end. I didn't know how to get through to you. Failure is branded across my forehead for not being able to save you. When I couldn't get you to see past the demons in your head, I became cold. That bitterness and anger was only a mask for the hurt. The pain of knowing you didn't want to be here anymore... Feeling like I was too insignificant for you to want to stay and fight. It felt like I was already cheated out of having a father, why was I getting cheated out of having a mom, too. At that age, I couldn't comprehend why you wouldn't want to see me grow up, to get married, or start a family. Part of me feels incredibly selfish for wanting to keep you here, even though were in so much mental and physical agony...
Mom, I understand what that feels like now, being blinded by your own pain. To be fighting a battle that seems futile. Convincing yourself that you aren't even worth the dirt you stand on. Wishing for the abyss to swallow you whole, just so you can be free from it all... I understand, now. I tried to choke and numb away the pain inside by shoveling down poison. Each handful of pills, I thought, was a way to be a few steps closer to you. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. Please forgive me for treating you the way I did. Forgive me for the things I couldn't do. I never meant to hurt you... If there was ever a way that I could have given my own life, just so that you could live a care-free, happy, and healthy life-- I would in a heartbeat.
Deep down, I still need you. I feel so unprepared for this life... Sometimes it's like I am trying to feel my way through the darkness, instead of you being here to help light the way for me. I wish you were here, even for the simplest of things. I wish you could have seen me graduate high school, go to state, go to college... There's this ache I get in my chest when I see the parents of my peers rally behind them, cheer for them, support them, and love them... While I have to beg for my own grandmother just to come out to my high school graduation. I miss having you in my corner, cheering me on. God, the things I'd do just to see that smile light up across your face one more time.
If there is one thing that eases my mind, is knowing that you are no longer suffering or in pain. I am thankful that you went soundly, almost like you fell asleep and just never woke up... I am also thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I can't help but feel like it was cut too short. I miss you more than words can ever describe...
Love always,
Me
It's no mistake everyone called you Sunshine... That's what you were in my life; the sunshine. My world transformed into a frozen wasteland without your warm spirit in it. I've spent these past four years trying to avoid comprehending this cold reality around me.
You overestimated my strength by ever thinking I would get along fine without you here. You never were a burden to me. You were always more than good enough... Too good. I don't know how I got so lucky to have been blessed with such an incredible protector, guardian, and mother like you. Sometimes I think you passed on Thanksgiving, as some kind of message to me... A message telling me that I wasn't thankful enough to have you while you were here, so losing you on that day was my punishment.
My heart feels laden down with regret... I hate myself for being so serious and sometimes cruel. The frustrations I had spawned from not knowing how to help you. I thought that if I was stern, that maybe you'd stop to see where you were headed. I am so sorry for treating you the way I did, especially towards the end. I didn't know how to get through to you. Failure is branded across my forehead for not being able to save you. When I couldn't get you to see past the demons in your head, I became cold. That bitterness and anger was only a mask for the hurt. The pain of knowing you didn't want to be here anymore... Feeling like I was too insignificant for you to want to stay and fight. It felt like I was already cheated out of having a father, why was I getting cheated out of having a mom, too. At that age, I couldn't comprehend why you wouldn't want to see me grow up, to get married, or start a family. Part of me feels incredibly selfish for wanting to keep you here, even though were in so much mental and physical agony...
Mom, I understand what that feels like now, being blinded by your own pain. To be fighting a battle that seems futile. Convincing yourself that you aren't even worth the dirt you stand on. Wishing for the abyss to swallow you whole, just so you can be free from it all... I understand, now. I tried to choke and numb away the pain inside by shoveling down poison. Each handful of pills, I thought, was a way to be a few steps closer to you. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. Please forgive me for treating you the way I did. Forgive me for the things I couldn't do. I never meant to hurt you... If there was ever a way that I could have given my own life, just so that you could live a care-free, happy, and healthy life-- I would in a heartbeat.
Deep down, I still need you. I feel so unprepared for this life... Sometimes it's like I am trying to feel my way through the darkness, instead of you being here to help light the way for me. I wish you were here, even for the simplest of things. I wish you could have seen me graduate high school, go to state, go to college... There's this ache I get in my chest when I see the parents of my peers rally behind them, cheer for them, support them, and love them... While I have to beg for my own grandmother just to come out to my high school graduation. I miss having you in my corner, cheering me on. God, the things I'd do just to see that smile light up across your face one more time.
If there is one thing that eases my mind, is knowing that you are no longer suffering or in pain. I am thankful that you went soundly, almost like you fell asleep and just never woke up... I am also thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I can't help but feel like it was cut too short. I miss you more than words can ever describe...
Love always,
Me