Unacceptance
Well-known member
Qui said:
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Unacceptance
Well-known member
To me it's more like waking up 7 years ago when it was still fresh.
Irrationality
New member
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2008
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 0
Dear Amy,
I'm writing this not only to procrastinate further and neglect my studying but also because it has been on my mind for quite a while now.
Even though you'll never read this, the idea of a message being there for you even if you'll never venture into it makes me feel a slimmer of happiness.
It has been well over 4 months since I ended our friendship. The friendship that I cherished for over a year and is the reason that I am who I am. You impacted me more than perhaps any other person in this world, sans my parents. You understood me and you supported me when I felt that no one did. I still believe that you're the only person to have really understood me and well, I thank you for all the happiness and contentment you provided and all the fun and memories we shared. Isn't it funny how you said you love me to death and I forsook that love and happiness? Yes, I was selfish, I made the decision for the both of us and thought that it would be better for you. I needed you and couldn't live without you so when you stopped spending as much time with me, I felt horrible and depressed. I was just way too dependent on you. It was perhaps my fault that we slowly spent less time together but have you any idea how much it hurt to end the friendship that I cherished and loved and needed so much? We barely talked to each other and yet you still acted like we were friends and I just couldn't live with that lie.
I ended our friendship not because I didn't love you, but because we really.. lost our friendship. i could not bare to live in this delusion and yes, I was selfish. Well, we went our separate ways and I hope you're doing well. I might still miss you and think about you at times, but I, like you, have moved on. We probably will never see each other again, but i really would like to apologize for the hurt and thank you for all you done for me. You might forget me and I might you, but as long as we can both gaze upon the same blue sky, I'll smile.. and move on.
Yours truly,
..
I'm writing this not only to procrastinate further and neglect my studying but also because it has been on my mind for quite a while now.
Even though you'll never read this, the idea of a message being there for you even if you'll never venture into it makes me feel a slimmer of happiness.
It has been well over 4 months since I ended our friendship. The friendship that I cherished for over a year and is the reason that I am who I am. You impacted me more than perhaps any other person in this world, sans my parents. You understood me and you supported me when I felt that no one did. I still believe that you're the only person to have really understood me and well, I thank you for all the happiness and contentment you provided and all the fun and memories we shared. Isn't it funny how you said you love me to death and I forsook that love and happiness? Yes, I was selfish, I made the decision for the both of us and thought that it would be better for you. I needed you and couldn't live without you so when you stopped spending as much time with me, I felt horrible and depressed. I was just way too dependent on you. It was perhaps my fault that we slowly spent less time together but have you any idea how much it hurt to end the friendship that I cherished and loved and needed so much? We barely talked to each other and yet you still acted like we were friends and I just couldn't live with that lie.
I ended our friendship not because I didn't love you, but because we really.. lost our friendship. i could not bare to live in this delusion and yes, I was selfish. Well, we went our separate ways and I hope you're doing well. I might still miss you and think about you at times, but I, like you, have moved on. We probably will never see each other again, but i really would like to apologize for the hurt and thank you for all you done for me. You might forget me and I might you, but as long as we can both gaze upon the same blue sky, I'll smile.. and move on.
Yours truly,
..
delayed_relapse
Well-known member
Dearest X.,
Things are just crazy between us. The letter you aren't meant to read will probably be less scathing than the ones you were meant to read.
You know, it was never meant to be this way between us, at least I certainly never wanted it to be like that. Everything changed the first time you left... Before that, we still had "Temptation" and HIM... "The Funeral of Hearts," I know you remember.
But why? Ah...
I would ask, but you wouldn't even know what I was talking about. We are alien to each other aren't we? What happened? Is it my fault? It's all my fault, I know. All I wanted to do was pry you away from yourself for a moment, I confess... I just wanted you to look at me for a while. Is that really such a crime? I just wanted to be with you.
Now I feel insane, like I am destined for the Asylum. So many problems, so much stress.. and I've lost my best friend. I have no opposite in whom to confide; even the oposite I have does not wish to know me. You were everything to me, you still are, and the most frightening thing I can think of is that you always will be.
I will never get over you. You're already over me.
The moment you met me...
135588 forever,
~Archangel.
Things are just crazy between us. The letter you aren't meant to read will probably be less scathing than the ones you were meant to read.
You know, it was never meant to be this way between us, at least I certainly never wanted it to be like that. Everything changed the first time you left... Before that, we still had "Temptation" and HIM... "The Funeral of Hearts," I know you remember.
But why? Ah...
I would ask, but you wouldn't even know what I was talking about. We are alien to each other aren't we? What happened? Is it my fault? It's all my fault, I know. All I wanted to do was pry you away from yourself for a moment, I confess... I just wanted you to look at me for a while. Is that really such a crime? I just wanted to be with you.
Now I feel insane, like I am destined for the Asylum. So many problems, so much stress.. and I've lost my best friend. I have no opposite in whom to confide; even the oposite I have does not wish to know me. You were everything to me, you still are, and the most frightening thing I can think of is that you always will be.
I will never get over you. You're already over me.
The moment you met me...
135588 forever,
~Archangel.
Dear J,
I didn't want a relationship, but you pursued me and I let you in my life and gave you my heart. You have no idea how hard that was after being alone so long. You just took my love for granted. I thought we were the perfect couple and you were the one that said we were soul mates. I used to say nothing was real, until you said it. I was there for you and helped you grow, gave you a life and tore down my walls, just for you. I put up with honeysuckle I shouldn't have, because I thought I needed you and would die without you. I fed into everything you ever said. I let you manipulate me, hurt me and lie to me. You convinced me I just needed to try harder, when it was always all about YOU! For so long I couldn't say anything bad about you. I wanted you to remain special in my heart, but you went on with your life and gave me your ass to kiss! You are a selfish *******! You walked away from me when I needed you the most. You wouldn't even be my friend. You just erased me like I never had any value at all. I thought you were the one and all those years wasted. I tried so fuckin hard, but it was never up to your standards. There was always another problem and something you couldn't deal with. You are an emotional mess and to think I tried to understand you and be there for you like an angel. You never said you were sorry or gave me any dignity. You just let me cry & beg you, while you just sat there without feeling. How could you be so heartless. You wanted me to suffer and I did in every way. You got what you wanted. My life wasn't perfect, but What did I ever do to you, but love you?
You tried to take my life, but It's OK, I'm still standing. Torn and damaged, but I'm still here. I hope that your life turns out to be every single thing you thought it would be. But a love like mine you'll never have again and you will miss it like the air you breathe. It broke my heart that you didn't care about me and I blamed myself for so many things. well guess what? No more!
I didn't want a relationship, but you pursued me and I let you in my life and gave you my heart. You have no idea how hard that was after being alone so long. You just took my love for granted. I thought we were the perfect couple and you were the one that said we were soul mates. I used to say nothing was real, until you said it. I was there for you and helped you grow, gave you a life and tore down my walls, just for you. I put up with honeysuckle I shouldn't have, because I thought I needed you and would die without you. I fed into everything you ever said. I let you manipulate me, hurt me and lie to me. You convinced me I just needed to try harder, when it was always all about YOU! For so long I couldn't say anything bad about you. I wanted you to remain special in my heart, but you went on with your life and gave me your ass to kiss! You are a selfish *******! You walked away from me when I needed you the most. You wouldn't even be my friend. You just erased me like I never had any value at all. I thought you were the one and all those years wasted. I tried so fuckin hard, but it was never up to your standards. There was always another problem and something you couldn't deal with. You are an emotional mess and to think I tried to understand you and be there for you like an angel. You never said you were sorry or gave me any dignity. You just let me cry & beg you, while you just sat there without feeling. How could you be so heartless. You wanted me to suffer and I did in every way. You got what you wanted. My life wasn't perfect, but What did I ever do to you, but love you?
You tried to take my life, but It's OK, I'm still standing. Torn and damaged, but I'm still here. I hope that your life turns out to be every single thing you thought it would be. But a love like mine you'll never have again and you will miss it like the air you breathe. It broke my heart that you didn't care about me and I blamed myself for so many things. well guess what? No more!
M
melleh
Guest
Dear A,
I am writing this in the hope that whatever spews out of my head and onto paper (or rather, Word) will ease my mind, as it is currently in such a state of confusion.
I don’t even know where to begin, truthfully.
We’ve been friends for over five years now. It has only recently occurred to me that you have been the one constant in my life. You have been the only person there for me over the years, in the easy and tough times. So many friends have come and gone, but you’re still here. You’re always here.
I trust you, A, completely. I…don’t think I’ve ever put so much trust in a person before. But I know I can trust you because over the years you’ve proven it over and over again.
I consider you to be my best friend. We’ve never met face-to-face, but I don’t think that matters. At least, I hope it doesn’t matter. It feels as if we have though. I don’t know if you feel it but when we talk, I feel immensely comfortable and at ease, and it’s as though we’ve conversed countless times face-to-face. It’s that easy.
I really don’t know where I’m going with all of this. I guess I’m just amazed that this friendship has lasted. I mean, it’s easy for two people living in different countries to lose contact. One’s computer may break down, or one’s phone; and then friendship eventually fizzles out.
But our friendship is still intact. I’m so grateful for that because truthfully…I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that’s cheesy and cliché, but it’s true.
This next part is incredibly hard for me to type, but I need to type it. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to breathe. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, but luckily enough, our communication is based on text, and that’s something I can at least use to my advantage.
You’ve been gone three days so far, and things are starting to become a little clearer and I’m beginning to realize a few things.
The first night you were gone, I felt emptiness within me. You are for the most part the only person I am chatty to on msn. I usually don’t start conversations with other people, not even P. I don’t know why this is. I guess I don’t feel like I have anything to talk about with them. I suppose that is rather sad.
Even if we’re not all that talkative (which happens a lot), I do not mind. There is a certain comfort I feel knowing that you’re there, that your conversation window is there, open. It’s like a security blanket wrapped around me.
I feel most at ease when that conversation window is open, even if nothing is being said between us.
The second night you were gone I could hardly take it anymore. When I went to bed, I had to have the scarf you sent me there. I clutched it as I tried to sleep, and started crying.
This shocked me.
The third night you were gone, last night, I dreamt about you. You were here, in the flesh. We were happy. It was wonderful. I felt complete.
I woke up and my heart sank as I realized it was only a dream.
What I’m trying to say is…you are all I can think about. Every day, I wake up thinking about you. When I’m at University, I can’t concentrate. When I’m at home, I can’t breathe. When I’m in bed, I can hardly bear it.
I think these feelings are more than platonic, and I’m scared of feeling them. I’m scared of what they mean, and what will happen now that you know.
I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I question how I can even have these feelings when we’ve never met offline. And yet, I still have them. Human nature is a bizarre thing. But I’m sure you know that already.
I can’t really pinpoint an exact moment when I started feeling these things. I mean, I remember a few instances when I thought ‘hold on, what’s this…’
We’ve talked about relationships before. You’ve mentioned a few times in passing about what traits and qualities you’re attracted to in a guy.
I can remember feeling jealous and angry, but masked it with neutral responses. I can remember I wanted to type ‘pick me! Choose me! Love me!’ a number of times, but then logic told me not to and I let it go.
Then there was the time where you expressed your desire to kiss another girl. I felt a rush of excitement and hope in me that maybe…just maybe, you’re not so straight after all.
But alas, things are never that easy and I dismissed it as silly.
Anyway….I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m still insanely confused about my feelings for you. I love you, as a friend, so much.
But I don’t know if that love goes deeper or not.
I guess what I hoped to achieve with this letter is to get my feelings out, so I can finally breathe.
I hope that nothing I said here ruins our friendship, because I don’t know what I’d do if we stopped talking.
It would be as unbearable as it is now with you not here, only a hundred times worse.
- Mel
I am writing this in the hope that whatever spews out of my head and onto paper (or rather, Word) will ease my mind, as it is currently in such a state of confusion.
I don’t even know where to begin, truthfully.
We’ve been friends for over five years now. It has only recently occurred to me that you have been the one constant in my life. You have been the only person there for me over the years, in the easy and tough times. So many friends have come and gone, but you’re still here. You’re always here.
I trust you, A, completely. I…don’t think I’ve ever put so much trust in a person before. But I know I can trust you because over the years you’ve proven it over and over again.
I consider you to be my best friend. We’ve never met face-to-face, but I don’t think that matters. At least, I hope it doesn’t matter. It feels as if we have though. I don’t know if you feel it but when we talk, I feel immensely comfortable and at ease, and it’s as though we’ve conversed countless times face-to-face. It’s that easy.
I really don’t know where I’m going with all of this. I guess I’m just amazed that this friendship has lasted. I mean, it’s easy for two people living in different countries to lose contact. One’s computer may break down, or one’s phone; and then friendship eventually fizzles out.
But our friendship is still intact. I’m so grateful for that because truthfully…I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that’s cheesy and cliché, but it’s true.
This next part is incredibly hard for me to type, but I need to type it. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to breathe. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, but luckily enough, our communication is based on text, and that’s something I can at least use to my advantage.
You’ve been gone three days so far, and things are starting to become a little clearer and I’m beginning to realize a few things.
The first night you were gone, I felt emptiness within me. You are for the most part the only person I am chatty to on msn. I usually don’t start conversations with other people, not even P. I don’t know why this is. I guess I don’t feel like I have anything to talk about with them. I suppose that is rather sad.
Even if we’re not all that talkative (which happens a lot), I do not mind. There is a certain comfort I feel knowing that you’re there, that your conversation window is there, open. It’s like a security blanket wrapped around me.
I feel most at ease when that conversation window is open, even if nothing is being said between us.
The second night you were gone I could hardly take it anymore. When I went to bed, I had to have the scarf you sent me there. I clutched it as I tried to sleep, and started crying.
This shocked me.
The third night you were gone, last night, I dreamt about you. You were here, in the flesh. We were happy. It was wonderful. I felt complete.
I woke up and my heart sank as I realized it was only a dream.
What I’m trying to say is…you are all I can think about. Every day, I wake up thinking about you. When I’m at University, I can’t concentrate. When I’m at home, I can’t breathe. When I’m in bed, I can hardly bear it.
I think these feelings are more than platonic, and I’m scared of feeling them. I’m scared of what they mean, and what will happen now that you know.
I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I question how I can even have these feelings when we’ve never met offline. And yet, I still have them. Human nature is a bizarre thing. But I’m sure you know that already.
I can’t really pinpoint an exact moment when I started feeling these things. I mean, I remember a few instances when I thought ‘hold on, what’s this…’
We’ve talked about relationships before. You’ve mentioned a few times in passing about what traits and qualities you’re attracted to in a guy.
I can remember feeling jealous and angry, but masked it with neutral responses. I can remember I wanted to type ‘pick me! Choose me! Love me!’ a number of times, but then logic told me not to and I let it go.
Then there was the time where you expressed your desire to kiss another girl. I felt a rush of excitement and hope in me that maybe…just maybe, you’re not so straight after all.
But alas, things are never that easy and I dismissed it as silly.
Anyway….I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m still insanely confused about my feelings for you. I love you, as a friend, so much.
But I don’t know if that love goes deeper or not.
I guess what I hoped to achieve with this letter is to get my feelings out, so I can finally breathe.
I hope that nothing I said here ruins our friendship, because I don’t know what I’d do if we stopped talking.
It would be as unbearable as it is now with you not here, only a hundred times worse.
- Mel
LonelyDragon
Well-known member
J,
I just had to say thank you. You’ve been the best friend anyone could have ever asked for. Over the years since I moved you’re the only one who hasn’t ignored me or blown me off. Even my own family has done it. You know when to tell it like it is, and when not to say anything. But you have never lied or told me something just because it was what I wanted to hear.
And I have to say I’m sorry. My love for you has never faded. But it has evolved. Obviously when I first met you I fell for you just like so many others. I let myself be ruled by my wishful heart just like I always do. And look where it’s gotten me. Look at what I let it do to us. My anger at myself and my despair crushed me that night. I've never told anyone else what happened. And I have to admit I lied to you and everyone about what happened on my way home. The accident that totaled my car wasn't an accident. There was no other car that cut me off. I don't know, maybe you already knew this. In fact I'm sure that at some level you did. But I want you to know it was not your fault. If I know you, you'll try to take blame for what I tried to do and there is none for you to accept. For that reason I'm glad that whatever kept me from being hurt did so. The thought of how you would have surely felt if I had been successful remains a pain that would have made eternity a Hell even if that wasn't where I ended up. But I am sorry that my feelings made it so necessary for me to distance myself. Otherwise I'm sure I would have only made things worse.
For a long time I wished I could go back to that night and do something differently to make you feel something that I know was just a fantasy. I’m not sure when I finally let reality sink in. That I was being incredibly selfish. I have since come to wish that instead, I could go back and stop myself from giving in to the feelings that were controlling me. As I said, I do still love you. Like the incredible friend you are. They say you can’t pick your family. But if I could, you would be right at the top of my list.
Always remember. You are a wonderful person. A shining angel. Whenever you doubt that, look into your beautiful son’s eyes. A child like him could only be born to a mother as incredible as you. And as you always did in me, I’m sure you will help him realize all his potential and bring out all the best in him. I wish I could have met him more than just the time when he was a baby.
Remember Angel, try not to let them get you down. You deserve to be happy.
"Luv Ya" always!
Larry
I just had to say thank you. You’ve been the best friend anyone could have ever asked for. Over the years since I moved you’re the only one who hasn’t ignored me or blown me off. Even my own family has done it. You know when to tell it like it is, and when not to say anything. But you have never lied or told me something just because it was what I wanted to hear.
And I have to say I’m sorry. My love for you has never faded. But it has evolved. Obviously when I first met you I fell for you just like so many others. I let myself be ruled by my wishful heart just like I always do. And look where it’s gotten me. Look at what I let it do to us. My anger at myself and my despair crushed me that night. I've never told anyone else what happened. And I have to admit I lied to you and everyone about what happened on my way home. The accident that totaled my car wasn't an accident. There was no other car that cut me off. I don't know, maybe you already knew this. In fact I'm sure that at some level you did. But I want you to know it was not your fault. If I know you, you'll try to take blame for what I tried to do and there is none for you to accept. For that reason I'm glad that whatever kept me from being hurt did so. The thought of how you would have surely felt if I had been successful remains a pain that would have made eternity a Hell even if that wasn't where I ended up. But I am sorry that my feelings made it so necessary for me to distance myself. Otherwise I'm sure I would have only made things worse.
For a long time I wished I could go back to that night and do something differently to make you feel something that I know was just a fantasy. I’m not sure when I finally let reality sink in. That I was being incredibly selfish. I have since come to wish that instead, I could go back and stop myself from giving in to the feelings that were controlling me. As I said, I do still love you. Like the incredible friend you are. They say you can’t pick your family. But if I could, you would be right at the top of my list.
Always remember. You are a wonderful person. A shining angel. Whenever you doubt that, look into your beautiful son’s eyes. A child like him could only be born to a mother as incredible as you. And as you always did in me, I’m sure you will help him realize all his potential and bring out all the best in him. I wish I could have met him more than just the time when he was a baby.
Remember Angel, try not to let them get you down. You deserve to be happy.
"Luv Ya" always!
Larry
SubjugatingH2O
Member
Dear Holly,
We were friends for some time before we were a couple. Now that we broke up, I don't know if things can ever be the same, especially since I still love you just the same as I did a year ago. We broke up due to geographical complications, but there are underlying issues that we never addressed. Your alcohol addiction kills me inside. I come from a family of addicts and I don't have addictive tendencies because of this, because it both scares and disgusts me. I see the good in you that you don't see, and I think you see the good in me that I don't see. I'm sorry for all the bad that has happened to you. I can't imagine what it must feel like to live with those memories. I wish I could help you deal with your problems but I don't know how and you won't accept professional help.
You are a great person and you make me laugh more than anyone I know. We make each other laugh so much when we are together, or at least we used to. Now you avoid my phone calls, probably because you have a boyfriend. How can a 6 year friendship end so quickly with a failed relationship? I can only hope that time will fix this. I have tried to find someone else, someone to take my mind off of you and give me hope in the future, but so far it's only made me miss you more. We talked about getting back together when I'm out of the military and able to be with you, but I don't think you will wait for me, so I can't count on that.
I think I may have hit my highest point in life with you. You know I loved you for years before we got together. You weren't just an infatuation that I could move on from, and I worry that I found my soul mate and lost you. Being with you was everything I ever dreamed it would be and now I've lost it. I don't know how to describe how much that saddens me. How do I top that now? The build up was so powerful that it made our relationship beyond anything I ever thought I could experience and it failed. I don't know if it's possible to top it, and if I somehow did, I don't think I could handle it failing again.
I hope you come to realize what I see in you before it's too late. I hope you find someone that's good to you and you're successful with that relationship. I'll continue on, wishing I was with my soul mate, working like a dog until I can't take it anymore. I hope I someday figure things out because I won't die old and alone remembering the times we had like they were yesterday while you move on and forget.
I love you Holly. I hope you still love me.
We were friends for some time before we were a couple. Now that we broke up, I don't know if things can ever be the same, especially since I still love you just the same as I did a year ago. We broke up due to geographical complications, but there are underlying issues that we never addressed. Your alcohol addiction kills me inside. I come from a family of addicts and I don't have addictive tendencies because of this, because it both scares and disgusts me. I see the good in you that you don't see, and I think you see the good in me that I don't see. I'm sorry for all the bad that has happened to you. I can't imagine what it must feel like to live with those memories. I wish I could help you deal with your problems but I don't know how and you won't accept professional help.
You are a great person and you make me laugh more than anyone I know. We make each other laugh so much when we are together, or at least we used to. Now you avoid my phone calls, probably because you have a boyfriend. How can a 6 year friendship end so quickly with a failed relationship? I can only hope that time will fix this. I have tried to find someone else, someone to take my mind off of you and give me hope in the future, but so far it's only made me miss you more. We talked about getting back together when I'm out of the military and able to be with you, but I don't think you will wait for me, so I can't count on that.
I think I may have hit my highest point in life with you. You know I loved you for years before we got together. You weren't just an infatuation that I could move on from, and I worry that I found my soul mate and lost you. Being with you was everything I ever dreamed it would be and now I've lost it. I don't know how to describe how much that saddens me. How do I top that now? The build up was so powerful that it made our relationship beyond anything I ever thought I could experience and it failed. I don't know if it's possible to top it, and if I somehow did, I don't think I could handle it failing again.
I hope you come to realize what I see in you before it's too late. I hope you find someone that's good to you and you're successful with that relationship. I'll continue on, wishing I was with my soul mate, working like a dog until I can't take it anymore. I hope I someday figure things out because I won't die old and alone remembering the times we had like they were yesterday while you move on and forget.
I love you Holly. I hope you still love me.
Dear ZLFB,
I remember when you first began speaking to me, we would laugh about random stuff. You left me things on my page like "I lover you!" It made me laugh, but I didn't think of you that way. Then it began to change. Then you gave me a chance, & I dunno what I did wrong(probably everything) you said it wasn't gonna work out. Random things spewed out of you I dun even think you really even knew what you were saying at that point, they were just coming out. One day I told you I loved you & I tried concealing it as friend love, even still the thought disgusted you. You told me, "You don't love me! Christ you don't even know me!" That broke me, I never thought that anyone would ever get angry at me for saying I loved them, I thought love was a good thing, I guess not when it comes to me. How could I not love you? How could anyone not love you? Do you not realize how amazing you are? I know it doesn't matter to you, but no matter what happens, but I believe in you. I mean it, I just wish the fact that they come from me didn't make them less meaningful to you. & just so you know, even if you think its stupid, I'll love you always, I can't help it, its already been imprinted into my soul.
Love always,
Me
I remember when you first began speaking to me, we would laugh about random stuff. You left me things on my page like "I lover you!" It made me laugh, but I didn't think of you that way. Then it began to change. Then you gave me a chance, & I dunno what I did wrong(probably everything) you said it wasn't gonna work out. Random things spewed out of you I dun even think you really even knew what you were saying at that point, they were just coming out. One day I told you I loved you & I tried concealing it as friend love, even still the thought disgusted you. You told me, "You don't love me! Christ you don't even know me!" That broke me, I never thought that anyone would ever get angry at me for saying I loved them, I thought love was a good thing, I guess not when it comes to me. How could I not love you? How could anyone not love you? Do you not realize how amazing you are? I know it doesn't matter to you, but no matter what happens, but I believe in you. I mean it, I just wish the fact that they come from me didn't make them less meaningful to you. & just so you know, even if you think its stupid, I'll love you always, I can't help it, its already been imprinted into my soul.
Love always,
Me
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
Dear M.,
You will never read this, but This is something which I will never say to your face. I dont know why I will never say it to your face, maybe it's just from cowardice...maybe it's just a realization of the futility of attempting to do so.
I feel so sad and alone right now. These past few years have been tough for me. My first love died...i became depressed...to the point where I had a s uicide bag in my crawlspace. And you were there throughout this hard time. I thought you were my friend...my best friend...and I loved you...but...I learned this wasnt true. None of it. I learned that you lied to me about your entire identity. You were not a woman, not 26 years old ...not living on your own. Instead you were a man, 47, married and had daughters just a few years older than me.
And when I found out my head spun. It was too late. I had already given a shard of myself to you. It was like someone had put a knife into me and twisted it.
I didnt understand why my girlfriend, who I loved, so abruptly left me in may of last year. We were supposed to meet that summer. Later, much late after I had learned who you really were through my own researching...I you told me that your wife had threatened to leave you (though you never told me why. you kept this a secret.) My best guesses were that she was probably angry over her husband being lost to a computer terminal...and maybe over what was happening with me.
And I didnt know...
I knew nothing.
Why did you lie to me Marcos? Why? It hurts. It hurts so much. Why would you take someone that was already on fragile ground...grieving...young/naive...deeply depressed and manipulate them?
Why?
I want to cry right now. I thought you were my friend. But I was wrong.
I asked you if you were transgendered or gay. And you laughed at me. Laughed...and then said no.
Another barb into my skin.
You will never know how deeply you hurt me. I will never tell you. You wouldn't care anyway.
Since meeting you, i've grown colder....I dont have as many friends online. And I used to have a lot. Now I have no interest in making new friends. I"m unable to trust them. I'm unable to trust in real life too now.
And no one can understand my hurt over this. It's too bizarre.
All I ever told you was the truth. Every last bit.
And when I asked you why you lied to me you said "because I was afraid of losing access to your brilliant mind"
What kind of bullshit is this? I smiled though, said ok. Acted as though I took it as a compliment, knowing deep down that you were probably just attempting to manipulate me once again.
I remain in silence. In pain.
You were never my friend. And I grow apart from other friendships I once had.
I dont know how long it'll take me to recover from this, or if I ever will.
*sigh*
-Kate
You will never read this, but This is something which I will never say to your face. I dont know why I will never say it to your face, maybe it's just from cowardice...maybe it's just a realization of the futility of attempting to do so.
I feel so sad and alone right now. These past few years have been tough for me. My first love died...i became depressed...to the point where I had a s uicide bag in my crawlspace. And you were there throughout this hard time. I thought you were my friend...my best friend...and I loved you...but...I learned this wasnt true. None of it. I learned that you lied to me about your entire identity. You were not a woman, not 26 years old ...not living on your own. Instead you were a man, 47, married and had daughters just a few years older than me.
And when I found out my head spun. It was too late. I had already given a shard of myself to you. It was like someone had put a knife into me and twisted it.
I didnt understand why my girlfriend, who I loved, so abruptly left me in may of last year. We were supposed to meet that summer. Later, much late after I had learned who you really were through my own researching...I you told me that your wife had threatened to leave you (though you never told me why. you kept this a secret.) My best guesses were that she was probably angry over her husband being lost to a computer terminal...and maybe over what was happening with me.
And I didnt know...
I knew nothing.
Why did you lie to me Marcos? Why? It hurts. It hurts so much. Why would you take someone that was already on fragile ground...grieving...young/naive...deeply depressed and manipulate them?
Why?
I want to cry right now. I thought you were my friend. But I was wrong.
I asked you if you were transgendered or gay. And you laughed at me. Laughed...and then said no.
Another barb into my skin.
You will never know how deeply you hurt me. I will never tell you. You wouldn't care anyway.
Since meeting you, i've grown colder....I dont have as many friends online. And I used to have a lot. Now I have no interest in making new friends. I"m unable to trust them. I'm unable to trust in real life too now.
And no one can understand my hurt over this. It's too bizarre.
All I ever told you was the truth. Every last bit.
And when I asked you why you lied to me you said "because I was afraid of losing access to your brilliant mind"
What kind of bullshit is this? I smiled though, said ok. Acted as though I took it as a compliment, knowing deep down that you were probably just attempting to manipulate me once again.
I remain in silence. In pain.
You were never my friend. And I grow apart from other friendships I once had.
I dont know how long it'll take me to recover from this, or if I ever will.
*sigh*
-Kate
Brian
Well-known member
Dear Nameless Coffee Shop Barista,
Every morning after I finish my shift, I drive down an ignored, only half-paved road that intersects with highway 2. At one end of this god-forsaken path to no place is my fire station, housing a half million dollars worth of equipment sitting ready to respond to a whopping 3 fires and 37 bullshit calls every year, and two ambulances which now sit unused and unloved, because we have been usurped from our prestigious job of taking grandma home from the hospital, or taking Joe Snowboarder to the bigger hospital in Kootenai County because he smashed the hell out of his leg and Bonner General doesn't have the simplest of facilities required to fix it. It wa apparently such a coveted position of wealth and prestige, that another agency saw fit to take it from us through treachery.
That really sucks, because there was ok money in taking grandma home from the hospital and hauling pre-medicated patients to the big city. But oh well. Such is life.
I see you in your coffee stand, at the other end of this road. I see you there every day and occasionally stop for coffee. And behind that smile, that fake barista smile with those hollow barista eyes, I see dissatisfaction. Perhaps it's because you'll hand overpriced cups of joe to guys like me for an unthinkable number of years before your midlife crisis. Perhaps its because the guy you're with, who I believe to be your coworker, is kind of a chump and I could beat him up. Whatever it is, I sympathize.
You see, almost symbolically, at the other end of that road, I'm miserable too. I have nothing to do. I am cooped up in that damnable box for 48 hours at a time, unable to go past the edge of the asphalt designating our parking lot. I test this edge from time to time, standing on the cusp of freedom but not quite there.
After my first 20 hours, when its late and snowing and I cannot sleep, and I long for the most mundane service call to let me fire up the big diesel fire engine in that bay and drive it somewhere to escape the box for a few happy moments, I stand on the edge of the asphalt. Halogen lights glow behind me and all is silent except for the small sounds of the night. I listen to the hiss of the natural gas junction next to our facility, the gentle clang of the carabiners that hold our flag as they hang empty from their rope at the top of the pole. I stare at the clouds or the stars until a train comes by, when I count the cars of volatile chemicals and sometimes look up the placard numbers in my hazmat reference book, even though they're the same chemicals that rolled by yesterday. I watch the cars going by on the highway; commuters leaving their jobs in Sandpoint, or driving in to burn the midnight oil, red-eyed and sucking coffee in the glow of their monitor in to the wee hours of the night. Logging trucks, a dying breed, going home after taking that final load of Red Fir to the sawmill. Their drivers are sore and tired, and dirty, and looking forward to the simple pleasure of their trailer home, with their warm bed, cheap beer, and their family, and the hope that tomorrow will continue on to another just as it did today. Because it's all they've done their whole life, and all their fathers did before them, and they're afraid of what might happen if things were otherwise.
"Overtaxed and Overworked". "Feeding Fifty People, Cannot Feed my Own". They paint things like that in great flare on the hoods of their trucks. Nothing rings truer, and it's only getting worse.
And somewhere in this insignificant little town of Dover, while I'm perched on the edge of my box and gripping the bars of the cage, you're sleeping, because you have to get up in six hours to face the confines of your coffee stand. It seems together, we balance out a nameless road with equal parts boredom and dissolution, smiling all along. Surely while I lament my frustrations to my partner, who is on the edge of retirement and welcomes the peace, you wish for something a little better than that 12x8 building day in and day out.
In another time, I'm throwing everything to the wind and putting all I have on a sailboat. A 45 foot long cruiser...a Benetau, or a Catalina. Or maybe even a steel hull. She's being delivered to Lewiston as we speak, up the Snake River from the coast, and being refitted and overhauled for a voyage. I'm selling my car to some poor, scruffy college student in need of cheap wheels, because where I'm headed I won't need it.
When I do this I am stopping by that coffee stand and freeing you. Freeing us. We don't need to be counterweights on the scale of the mundane anymore because we're grabbing honeysuckle by the horns. We're gonna blast the music all the way down to Lewiston, where we'll load up that boat and set sail down the Snake River.
When we reach the coast, it's easy sailing. We have no more worries except whether there's enough wind to carry us. And if there's not, we can just run the diesel...or we can sit for a while, because we've got nowhere to go. We'll drop off the face of the earth, never to be bothered again, except when we pull in to some port somewhere to make a few quick bucks scrubbing boat hulls or sewing canvas, greasing winches and the like. We don't need much more, because we have no real bills and there's enough money in savings to pay the boat insurance for years...the last registered trace of our existence in the modern world.
It's not entirely safe, and nothing is entirely a guarantee. But we came from having both of those, and we're out here because we chose freedom and adventure. We chose LIFE. And we're getting it, and taking it as it comes, and fending for ourselves. We can go anywhere we want. Once we've soaked up enough rays in the Caribbean, we can continue south and marvel at the antarctic, before continuing on to Australia. Wherever we want, you and I. The sun is warm and the stars are bright. Nobody on the mainland will ever see it like this. Salty wind, flapping sails, and gently lapping waves will be the soundtrack to our mid-day glass of wine on the foredeck as we kick back and read a book on our way to Sicily. Thrashing gales and bitter storms will challenge our mettle and keep us from growing soft. Maybe we'll fall in love; or maybe we'll just be friends and accompany each other around the world, companions in our sequestration from the droll and safe promise of modern society. Maybe we'll be both; there are no more rules for us, once we leave the shore behind.
But that time is neither here nor now. Because you're in bed, with five more hours before the alarm goes off and wakes you to yesterday and the day before. And I'm sitting red-eyed in the crew quarters watching another History Channel special on Nostradamus, waiting for nothing; unable to sleep. And besides all that, we really don't know each other anyways.
See you in the morning when I get off shift.
Regards,
Your partner in fantasy
Every morning after I finish my shift, I drive down an ignored, only half-paved road that intersects with highway 2. At one end of this god-forsaken path to no place is my fire station, housing a half million dollars worth of equipment sitting ready to respond to a whopping 3 fires and 37 bullshit calls every year, and two ambulances which now sit unused and unloved, because we have been usurped from our prestigious job of taking grandma home from the hospital, or taking Joe Snowboarder to the bigger hospital in Kootenai County because he smashed the hell out of his leg and Bonner General doesn't have the simplest of facilities required to fix it. It wa apparently such a coveted position of wealth and prestige, that another agency saw fit to take it from us through treachery.
That really sucks, because there was ok money in taking grandma home from the hospital and hauling pre-medicated patients to the big city. But oh well. Such is life.
I see you in your coffee stand, at the other end of this road. I see you there every day and occasionally stop for coffee. And behind that smile, that fake barista smile with those hollow barista eyes, I see dissatisfaction. Perhaps it's because you'll hand overpriced cups of joe to guys like me for an unthinkable number of years before your midlife crisis. Perhaps its because the guy you're with, who I believe to be your coworker, is kind of a chump and I could beat him up. Whatever it is, I sympathize.
You see, almost symbolically, at the other end of that road, I'm miserable too. I have nothing to do. I am cooped up in that damnable box for 48 hours at a time, unable to go past the edge of the asphalt designating our parking lot. I test this edge from time to time, standing on the cusp of freedom but not quite there.
After my first 20 hours, when its late and snowing and I cannot sleep, and I long for the most mundane service call to let me fire up the big diesel fire engine in that bay and drive it somewhere to escape the box for a few happy moments, I stand on the edge of the asphalt. Halogen lights glow behind me and all is silent except for the small sounds of the night. I listen to the hiss of the natural gas junction next to our facility, the gentle clang of the carabiners that hold our flag as they hang empty from their rope at the top of the pole. I stare at the clouds or the stars until a train comes by, when I count the cars of volatile chemicals and sometimes look up the placard numbers in my hazmat reference book, even though they're the same chemicals that rolled by yesterday. I watch the cars going by on the highway; commuters leaving their jobs in Sandpoint, or driving in to burn the midnight oil, red-eyed and sucking coffee in the glow of their monitor in to the wee hours of the night. Logging trucks, a dying breed, going home after taking that final load of Red Fir to the sawmill. Their drivers are sore and tired, and dirty, and looking forward to the simple pleasure of their trailer home, with their warm bed, cheap beer, and their family, and the hope that tomorrow will continue on to another just as it did today. Because it's all they've done their whole life, and all their fathers did before them, and they're afraid of what might happen if things were otherwise.
"Overtaxed and Overworked". "Feeding Fifty People, Cannot Feed my Own". They paint things like that in great flare on the hoods of their trucks. Nothing rings truer, and it's only getting worse.
And somewhere in this insignificant little town of Dover, while I'm perched on the edge of my box and gripping the bars of the cage, you're sleeping, because you have to get up in six hours to face the confines of your coffee stand. It seems together, we balance out a nameless road with equal parts boredom and dissolution, smiling all along. Surely while I lament my frustrations to my partner, who is on the edge of retirement and welcomes the peace, you wish for something a little better than that 12x8 building day in and day out.
In another time, I'm throwing everything to the wind and putting all I have on a sailboat. A 45 foot long cruiser...a Benetau, or a Catalina. Or maybe even a steel hull. She's being delivered to Lewiston as we speak, up the Snake River from the coast, and being refitted and overhauled for a voyage. I'm selling my car to some poor, scruffy college student in need of cheap wheels, because where I'm headed I won't need it.
When I do this I am stopping by that coffee stand and freeing you. Freeing us. We don't need to be counterweights on the scale of the mundane anymore because we're grabbing honeysuckle by the horns. We're gonna blast the music all the way down to Lewiston, where we'll load up that boat and set sail down the Snake River.
When we reach the coast, it's easy sailing. We have no more worries except whether there's enough wind to carry us. And if there's not, we can just run the diesel...or we can sit for a while, because we've got nowhere to go. We'll drop off the face of the earth, never to be bothered again, except when we pull in to some port somewhere to make a few quick bucks scrubbing boat hulls or sewing canvas, greasing winches and the like. We don't need much more, because we have no real bills and there's enough money in savings to pay the boat insurance for years...the last registered trace of our existence in the modern world.
It's not entirely safe, and nothing is entirely a guarantee. But we came from having both of those, and we're out here because we chose freedom and adventure. We chose LIFE. And we're getting it, and taking it as it comes, and fending for ourselves. We can go anywhere we want. Once we've soaked up enough rays in the Caribbean, we can continue south and marvel at the antarctic, before continuing on to Australia. Wherever we want, you and I. The sun is warm and the stars are bright. Nobody on the mainland will ever see it like this. Salty wind, flapping sails, and gently lapping waves will be the soundtrack to our mid-day glass of wine on the foredeck as we kick back and read a book on our way to Sicily. Thrashing gales and bitter storms will challenge our mettle and keep us from growing soft. Maybe we'll fall in love; or maybe we'll just be friends and accompany each other around the world, companions in our sequestration from the droll and safe promise of modern society. Maybe we'll be both; there are no more rules for us, once we leave the shore behind.
But that time is neither here nor now. Because you're in bed, with five more hours before the alarm goes off and wakes you to yesterday and the day before. And I'm sitting red-eyed in the crew quarters watching another History Channel special on Nostradamus, waiting for nothing; unable to sleep. And besides all that, we really don't know each other anyways.
See you in the morning when I get off shift.
Regards,
Your partner in fantasy
Lonesome Crow
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2008
- Messages
- 6,780
- Reaction score
- 8
hhahahahhaa....
Dear SJM..
You filty dirty cock sucking whore pyscho of a *****. I hope you burn in fucken Hell.
Either that, i hope your eyes get poke out by cum shot.
fresia You,
Michael
Dear SJM..
You filty dirty cock sucking whore pyscho of a *****. I hope you burn in fucken Hell.
Either that, i hope your eyes get poke out by cum shot.
fresia You,
Michael
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
Dear Max,
It's been a long while since I've written to you. But this time, when I write to you, I dont do it in tears or sadness. I do it with a smile on my face. The cycle of grief has been completed.
I would give this letter to you, but youre dead. Otherwize I'd run all the way to brooklyn and place it in your tough skinned hands.
My dear max....people on this forum have heard me allude to you as my first love. But I want them to know who you really were to me. You were my first love. My brother in spirit. The only other person on this planet I knew who had been born without a jaw too. And when you died I felt as though no one could ever understand me like you did. I felt alone, unable to cope.
You went through many of the surgeries I was too afraid to go through. You got to experience your trache being taken out. I never will. I'll always have it in my throat and need to breathe through it. You were brilliant and witty. So much smarter than me...and I loved you. A lot.
The day before your death...I told you I didnt want to be friends with you anymore. I was frustrated with your lack of communicativeness with me You began to argue with me, not wanting to break up the friendship. Your mother interrupted halfway through the argument telling you to take your medication. Medication you never took. You were sick max...and the next day you fainted while at the subway and fell onto the traintracks never to wake again.
And we never finished our argument. I had nightmares...of you being run over by a subway train. Guilt that I had told you I didnt want to be friends anymore.
I didnt realize how much I loved you until you died. I spent months...a year...in grief. My mind broke down. I went on anti depressants. And then banned myself from thinking about you at all. It was too painful you see and I had to recover somehow.
I remember when i was 14. We were talking on my TTY (deaf phone) and you told me you loved me. I could feel the insecurity and sweetness in what you wrote. And I accepted it immediately as truth. For years afterwards this was my favorite memory. The sun coming in through the guestroom windows....and you telling me you loved me. I never told you it was my favorite memory. It was just so pure...that moment. I cherished it and put it in a special place in my heart.
I wish you hadnt died, but there's nothing anyone can do to change the past. I love you Max and I always will. No one can ever take your memory away from me...
-Kate
Two Representatives of a Long Lost Species
by: SophiaGrace
http://abctales.com/story/scribblescribe/two-representatives-long-lost-species
It's been a long while since I've written to you. But this time, when I write to you, I dont do it in tears or sadness. I do it with a smile on my face. The cycle of grief has been completed.
I would give this letter to you, but youre dead. Otherwize I'd run all the way to brooklyn and place it in your tough skinned hands.
My dear max....people on this forum have heard me allude to you as my first love. But I want them to know who you really were to me. You were my first love. My brother in spirit. The only other person on this planet I knew who had been born without a jaw too. And when you died I felt as though no one could ever understand me like you did. I felt alone, unable to cope.
You went through many of the surgeries I was too afraid to go through. You got to experience your trache being taken out. I never will. I'll always have it in my throat and need to breathe through it. You were brilliant and witty. So much smarter than me...and I loved you. A lot.
The day before your death...I told you I didnt want to be friends with you anymore. I was frustrated with your lack of communicativeness with me You began to argue with me, not wanting to break up the friendship. Your mother interrupted halfway through the argument telling you to take your medication. Medication you never took. You were sick max...and the next day you fainted while at the subway and fell onto the traintracks never to wake again.
And we never finished our argument. I had nightmares...of you being run over by a subway train. Guilt that I had told you I didnt want to be friends anymore.
I didnt realize how much I loved you until you died. I spent months...a year...in grief. My mind broke down. I went on anti depressants. And then banned myself from thinking about you at all. It was too painful you see and I had to recover somehow.
I remember when i was 14. We were talking on my TTY (deaf phone) and you told me you loved me. I could feel the insecurity and sweetness in what you wrote. And I accepted it immediately as truth. For years afterwards this was my favorite memory. The sun coming in through the guestroom windows....and you telling me you loved me. I never told you it was my favorite memory. It was just so pure...that moment. I cherished it and put it in a special place in my heart.
I wish you hadnt died, but there's nothing anyone can do to change the past. I love you Max and I always will. No one can ever take your memory away from me...
-Kate
Two Representatives of a Long Lost Species
by: SophiaGrace
http://abctales.com/story/scribblescribe/two-representatives-long-lost-species
Badjedidude
Well-known member
Dear S.R.
(C. R.)
(Ivory Maiden)
I know the odds of you reading this are fairly small, but it will still feel good to get it out in the open in some manner. I swear, I think about it and you at least once a day when my mind wanders in those hidden alleys between coherent thoughts...that place where a person can just exist and let their dreams, hopes, and fears just bubble to the surface. This letter is about dreams, hopes, and fears.
I'm not an orator or great writer of any sort, so I'll be blunt. I feel like I made a mistake. I made a mistake and I regret it, I regret it, I regret it and I may always regret it. I can only hope in the farthest corner of my mind that I will be able to in some small way salvage our relationship.
I had known you for nearly all of my childhood, building a bond with you that remains to this day unsullied. Whatever else happens, I will always remain a loyal friend to you--ready to defend or uplift you at a moment's notice...I will always be your Green Knight, no matter what other prince you choose. A part of my heart (if not more) will always be yours. "Like, I Dunno, Anyways, Whatever..." Remember that?
Do you remember when we were sort of dating and you asked me what our futures would be? Maybe I misunderstood you. Maybe you were telling me that you wanted to be with me, I don't know...but I told you to wait 5 years and ask me again then. I think that's when you gave me the thimble...the Peter Pan-esque "kiss." Were you telling me that you loved me? I guess I was a fool...because I missed the message. But I still have the "kiss."
My reasoning was sound--I had no idea what was in store for both of us in the next 5 years and I wasn't even out of highschool yet. There was another girl I was interested in as well and I chose her instead of you. I wish to God I hadn't. I chose her and put 5 years of my life into that relationship, only to have it unravel and fall apart just under a year ago. She left me, and it hurt...but not as much as I'd feared it would. I'm over her. I can't say I resent her for leaving, either. But I resent letting you move away. It was not your (or my) decision, but I regret it anyway.
That's not all, either. I messed things up worse and worse as the days ticked by. Every time you came back to visit your grandpa, I missed my opportunity to make my move. I'll admit it (and I hate to)...I was scared. Scared of setting you off, scared that you'd not return the feelings...so I talked when I shouldn't have, about things I shouldn't have. I should have just ballsed up and told you how I feel, but I never did and in the process just made myself look like an *******. That may be why you haven't come back for such a long time. It could be that you're just busy, that you already have your own life, removed from mine...but you haven't come back and it hurts me for reasons I can't articulate.
Just being around you made me feel great. Hanging out with you, shootin' the honeysuckle, just talking about nothing in particular...flirting, touching, letting you sit on my lap, that last kiss you gave me...everything. I just miss you. I miss spending time with you. It sounds stupid and cheesy but when I just look at you I feel rested and calm. And I feel like I contribute in some way to you as well. I always felt like you truly enjoyed my company, that you could stand being around me for more than 10 minutes at a time. Maybe I'm just making this all up in my mind, but I really felt a chemistry and a connection between us...something that could be great if given half a chance.
So to wrap things up, I'll just say it straight: I honestly can't say I love you...because I don't really know you anymore. I only have memories of you, and it is those that I love. I don't know how much you've changed lately, or where your life has led you, so I can't say I love you now...
...but I can say that based on my memories, it's a definite possibility that I could love you, that I WOULD love you if you were around here and gave me the chance. I feel like a foolish schoolboy trying to voice a foolish schoolboy crush, and if you ever read this maybe that's how you'd feel, too...but I hope not. I hope you remember me the same way that I remember you. Deep down, I hope there's some part of your heart that will always remain for me, that there will always be a seed inside of you that blooms when you think of me.
I almost can't write this last hope...but here goes. I hope you do come back. I hope you visit. I don't even care if you're with someone else, I don't care if you have someone who loves you...I'll tell you how I feel. Life's too short to hide from these things and I intend to give it a shot. If there were one woman that I could truly picture myself with right now that I would be happy to settle down with, to give up all of my other dreams and plans for...it would be you. I would honestly be completely happy to be with you...and never want for anything else.
We have so much in common, so much history together. I'll always be thankful to Sammy S. for introducing us, I'll never forget her and how it happened...and I'll never forget you. Come back. Just come back and give me that one chance I need. Even if you turn me down, I just need to know it for certain. Come back.
I don't know if that all sounds stupid to you...but I want you to know that I'm not some whining, preening little freshie who can't live without you. I do have a life and I do have plans. I just wanted you to know that I still have feelings for you, strong feelings...and always will. I hope that you understand this (if you ever read it, haha) for what it is and in some small way reciprocate the feelings. And if those feelings burn inside of you like they do in me, way deep down inside where the conscious day can't see, then give me that chance. I'm almost done with school, I'm almost ready to begin my full-on, independent, adult profession and life...and if you were ever going to give me that chance, now would be the time. Come back.
----Steve
P.S. I almost wish I had dared to come over that one night when you visited.
(C. R.)
(Ivory Maiden)
I know the odds of you reading this are fairly small, but it will still feel good to get it out in the open in some manner. I swear, I think about it and you at least once a day when my mind wanders in those hidden alleys between coherent thoughts...that place where a person can just exist and let their dreams, hopes, and fears just bubble to the surface. This letter is about dreams, hopes, and fears.
I'm not an orator or great writer of any sort, so I'll be blunt. I feel like I made a mistake. I made a mistake and I regret it, I regret it, I regret it and I may always regret it. I can only hope in the farthest corner of my mind that I will be able to in some small way salvage our relationship.
I had known you for nearly all of my childhood, building a bond with you that remains to this day unsullied. Whatever else happens, I will always remain a loyal friend to you--ready to defend or uplift you at a moment's notice...I will always be your Green Knight, no matter what other prince you choose. A part of my heart (if not more) will always be yours. "Like, I Dunno, Anyways, Whatever..." Remember that?
Do you remember when we were sort of dating and you asked me what our futures would be? Maybe I misunderstood you. Maybe you were telling me that you wanted to be with me, I don't know...but I told you to wait 5 years and ask me again then. I think that's when you gave me the thimble...the Peter Pan-esque "kiss." Were you telling me that you loved me? I guess I was a fool...because I missed the message. But I still have the "kiss."
My reasoning was sound--I had no idea what was in store for both of us in the next 5 years and I wasn't even out of highschool yet. There was another girl I was interested in as well and I chose her instead of you. I wish to God I hadn't. I chose her and put 5 years of my life into that relationship, only to have it unravel and fall apart just under a year ago. She left me, and it hurt...but not as much as I'd feared it would. I'm over her. I can't say I resent her for leaving, either. But I resent letting you move away. It was not your (or my) decision, but I regret it anyway.
That's not all, either. I messed things up worse and worse as the days ticked by. Every time you came back to visit your grandpa, I missed my opportunity to make my move. I'll admit it (and I hate to)...I was scared. Scared of setting you off, scared that you'd not return the feelings...so I talked when I shouldn't have, about things I shouldn't have. I should have just ballsed up and told you how I feel, but I never did and in the process just made myself look like an *******. That may be why you haven't come back for such a long time. It could be that you're just busy, that you already have your own life, removed from mine...but you haven't come back and it hurts me for reasons I can't articulate.
Just being around you made me feel great. Hanging out with you, shootin' the honeysuckle, just talking about nothing in particular...flirting, touching, letting you sit on my lap, that last kiss you gave me...everything. I just miss you. I miss spending time with you. It sounds stupid and cheesy but when I just look at you I feel rested and calm. And I feel like I contribute in some way to you as well. I always felt like you truly enjoyed my company, that you could stand being around me for more than 10 minutes at a time. Maybe I'm just making this all up in my mind, but I really felt a chemistry and a connection between us...something that could be great if given half a chance.
So to wrap things up, I'll just say it straight: I honestly can't say I love you...because I don't really know you anymore. I only have memories of you, and it is those that I love. I don't know how much you've changed lately, or where your life has led you, so I can't say I love you now...
...but I can say that based on my memories, it's a definite possibility that I could love you, that I WOULD love you if you were around here and gave me the chance. I feel like a foolish schoolboy trying to voice a foolish schoolboy crush, and if you ever read this maybe that's how you'd feel, too...but I hope not. I hope you remember me the same way that I remember you. Deep down, I hope there's some part of your heart that will always remain for me, that there will always be a seed inside of you that blooms when you think of me.
I almost can't write this last hope...but here goes. I hope you do come back. I hope you visit. I don't even care if you're with someone else, I don't care if you have someone who loves you...I'll tell you how I feel. Life's too short to hide from these things and I intend to give it a shot. If there were one woman that I could truly picture myself with right now that I would be happy to settle down with, to give up all of my other dreams and plans for...it would be you. I would honestly be completely happy to be with you...and never want for anything else.
We have so much in common, so much history together. I'll always be thankful to Sammy S. for introducing us, I'll never forget her and how it happened...and I'll never forget you. Come back. Just come back and give me that one chance I need. Even if you turn me down, I just need to know it for certain. Come back.
I don't know if that all sounds stupid to you...but I want you to know that I'm not some whining, preening little freshie who can't live without you. I do have a life and I do have plans. I just wanted you to know that I still have feelings for you, strong feelings...and always will. I hope that you understand this (if you ever read it, haha) for what it is and in some small way reciprocate the feelings. And if those feelings burn inside of you like they do in me, way deep down inside where the conscious day can't see, then give me that chance. I'm almost done with school, I'm almost ready to begin my full-on, independent, adult profession and life...and if you were ever going to give me that chance, now would be the time. Come back.
----Steve
P.S. I almost wish I had dared to come over that one night when you visited.
iwasaloverb4thiswar
Well-known member
Oh beetlejuice, she needs to hear this.
Badjedidude
Well-known member
Dangit, why did you have to resurrect this???
These letters are NEVER MEANT TO BE READ!!
I dun has feelingks. o_o
----Steve
These letters are NEVER MEANT TO BE READ!!
I dun has feelingks. o_o
----Steve
J
Just_Some_Dude
Guest
Dear Angry,
I never meant to give you mushrooms girl. I never meant to bring you to my world! But now you're sitting in the corner crying. And now, it's my fault! My fault!
Oh wait, this is an Eminem song. I thought I was feeling something original...
My bad.
Signed, JSD
PS - you are ridiculous!
I never meant to give you mushrooms girl. I never meant to bring you to my world! But now you're sitting in the corner crying. And now, it's my fault! My fault!
Oh wait, this is an Eminem song. I thought I was feeling something original...
My bad.
Signed, JSD
PS - you are ridiculous!
