lonliness turning into anger

[Mr Hermit]

as it says, i'm lonely and have been for years, but over the past few years my loneliness has gone from from frustrations to anger.. the lack of intimacy is driving me crazy.
never had a girlfriend before or been in any relationship, long or short.

does anyone have any experience with dealing with this?
i'm at a loss.

 

[CHSlater]

Yeah, I know that feel. I've been through all the level of sadness, coldness and then anger. I lost the most part of my empathy for others. I stop giving people a chance to get too deep into my life, just because I associate them to bad past experiences. Even though I know that it isn't fair, when a person say "Hey, we should totally hang out sometime", I just say "yeah, we can see about it" but inside, I know that I'm not going to show up, because I feel a strange feeling of anger, a feeling that makes me think that this person doesn't deserve my friendship/relationship, that this person is just like the others.

It's hard to explain how I feel about it, but it's a legit feeling that I can't control anymore. The problem is that it won't change my situation, and it just generates more anger.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

as it says, i'm lonely and have been for years, but over the past few years my loneliness has gone from from frustrations to anger.. the lack of intimacy is driving me crazy.
never had a girlfriend before or been in any relationship, long or short.

does anyone have any experience with dealing with this?
i'm at a loss.

Yeah, I feel you. I'm lonely too, although I do get angry, like everyone does. It normally only lasts for about a minute. And I normally don't get/show my anger around others. I too have never had a girlfriend either. And yes it's certainly hard to cope without.

Yeah, I know that feel. I've been through all the level of sadness, coldness and then anger. I lost the most part of my empathy for others. I stop giving people a chance to get too deep into my life, just because I associate them to bad past experiences. Even though I know that it isn't fair, when a person say "Hey, we should totally hang out sometime", I just say "yeah, we can see about it" but inside, I know that I'm not going to show up, because I feel a strange feeling of anger, a feeling that makes me think that this person doesn't deserve my friendship/relationship, that this person is just like the others.

It's hard to explain how I feel about it, but it's a legit feeling that I can't control anymore. The problem is that it won't change my situation, and it just generates more anger.

This sounds rough dude. And it sounds like it might be hard. Even though you said you don't like hanging out, if you'd like we can always chat. It might feel different than face to face. Maybe therapy could help? I've never been, and wouldn't go, but I've heard good things about it. I hope you stop feeling this way soon so maybe you can make some friends.

 

[Surcruxum]

Yeah, I know that feel. I've been through all the level of sadness, coldness and then anger. I lost the most part of my empathy for others. I stop giving people a chance to get too deep into my life, just because I associate them to bad past experiences. Even though I know that it isn't fair, when a person say "Hey, we should totally hang out sometime", I just say "yeah, we can see about it" but inside, I know that I'm not going to show up, because I feel a strange feeling of anger, a feeling that makes me think that this person doesn't deserve my friendship/relationship, that this person is just like the others.

I know how you feel too. But my situation is different. It's true I don't trust people easily, I don't want to be friends with anybody, I couldn't give a damn about other people, but all of them are caused by my disappointment towards others. I'm lonely because i choose to. One way for me to make those feelings disappear is to think that emotions are weakness and I will never be weak. Not again. Let's just say that the other way makes me feel pathetic. It doesn't involve sex, but still I don't like to talk about it.

 

[Badjedidude]

Who are you angry at? Yourself? Society?

 

[Tiina63]

I get angry inside at times as well, often with people who tell me to stop looking for a partner, and also often at God.
People who tell me to be happy and fulfilled alone usually have a partner and/or family, so they are in a very different place to me.
Re God. I don't mix much with other Christians as it gets to me when they go on (amongst other things) about how God answered their prayers for a life partner as it makes me wonder why He hasn't answered mine. If He wants me to be alone, He shouldn't have given me the longing for closeness and for love.
Mr Hermit-you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling.

 

[sk66rc]

Relationship is over-rated, at least I think so... I'm not trying to minimize it but I think happy relationship is made up of 2 people who are already happy with themselves to begin with...

 

[Pike Creek]

Relationship is over-rated, at least I think so... I'm not trying to minimize it but I think happy relationship is made up of 2 people who are already happy with themselves to begin with...

Absolutely a happy relationship should be made up of 2 people who are already happy with themselves! But that doesn't always happen. Mind you, I personally don't think the relationship is overrated because it brings on such a higher, deeper level of happiness. If a person is truly content at being alone, then I'm all for that. I was a hermit/celibate woman for many years and I was very content. I even thought that relationships weren't worth my time. I now think differently, people change.

I can see how being lonely can turn into anger because anger is an emotional reaction to some kind of pain. Obviously the pain comes from being lonely, being rejected, being jealous or bitter etc...maybe I'm naive or too hopeful, but I do believe that anyone can find someone to share their lives with if they really make the effort and not just wait for it to happen to them. Sorry if this is contrary to others' beliefs, but I speak from my own example...alone for nearly 20 years, then I spent a year dating/being rejected/taking risks/getting to know guys etc....almost a whole year of that, and I kept up the full-time effort. Full-time meaning I devoted hours each day to getting to know guys - whether it be by chatting, phone calls or meeting up for dates. It wasn't easy, but after that year, I found someone.

Am I wrong in thinking that if you really, truly can say from your heart, that you put in all the effort you are capable of, that you will just always be alone anyway? That none of the effort is worth it?

 

[jjam]

Am I wrong in thinking that if you really, truly can say from your heart, that you put in all the effort you are capable of, that you will just always be alone anyway? That none of the effort is worth it?

The problem with effort is people get worn out. How many rejections can you take after all of your all (efforts)?

 

[Surcruxum]

The problem with effort is people get worn out. How many rejections can you take after all of your all (efforts)?

I'm different. I can handle rejections well. When the other person says yes, that is what scares me. I don't know what to do then.

 

[Wanderer145]

I get angry about it a little too often. Flashes of anger and the worst thing is they're starting to come up when I'm out and about. So I just restrain myself as I'm just so so pissed off at trying and trying and just failing every single time to meet another woman, getting a better job finding out what I need to do with my life...It all just makes me so ****** pissed off at everything and everyone.

I do take a step back and sometimes realise this does not help being this way and of little benefit to my wellbeing. I just hate it that despite my efforts I'm still alone and can't resolve my problems. There's nothing to do but let it have its day. We all get angry and to different degrees depressed. Some people get heavily depressed if they have a bad day at work or over very trivial things, despite having everything most people strive for. Others have nothing and are pushed to breaking point before they get angry and depressed over things..just let it happen and go onwards.

 

[Pike Creek]

The problem with effort is people get worn out. How many rejections can you take after all of your all (efforts)?

I guess that depends on each person, what their limit is. When I was younger, if one guy rejected me, I took it very badly and hid myself away for months before trying again. That year I mentioned when I put my full time into finding someone, I met a total of 39 men who I either rejected or they rejected me. But I'd made a deal with myself to just pick myself up and keep going, keep looking until I was successful. But I can definitely say that the rejection was terrible and some days it was really hard to get back on that dating site to look once again at hundreds of profiles and message guys I thought might be a good match. I guess it's because I didn't want to waste any more time alone so I was stubbornly focused.

 

[CHSlater]

This sounds rough dude. And it sounds like it might be hard. Even though you said you don't like hanging out, if you'd like we can always chat. It might feel different than face to face. Maybe therapy could help? I've never been, and wouldn't go, but I've heard good things about it. I hope you stop feeling this way soon so maybe you can make some friends.

I don't have problem making friends. I have a lot of them actually. I'm a kind of guy that hide how I really feel behind a smiley mask. My biggest problem is with my past and with girls that I'm interested tho. I've been in some bullying experiences when I was young and although no one mocks me ever since, I still feel like I can't trust anyone, it shows us how much childhood can affect one's life forever. Just like you said, you have no idea how different I am out of this forum. You wouldn't ever say that I belong to here (and having no one to talk about this in real life is what hurt me the most).

You seem to be a nice person, and I like chatting. The problem is that I only access this forum while I'm working, and my company blocks social networking websites as well chats, therefore we can only talk by private message.

I know how you feel too. But my situation is different. It's true I don't trust people easily, I don't want to be friends with anybody, I couldn't give a damn about other people, but all of them are caused by my disappointment towards others. I'm lonely because i choose to. One way for me to make those feelings disappear is to think that emotions are weakness and I will never be weak. Not again. Let's just say that the other way makes me feel pathetic. It doesn't involve sex, but still I don't like to talk about it.

"I'll never be fooled again.". I have to admit that my life got better after I started trust myself instead of rely in anyone who crosses my road. But it only work till some point. I do like being on my own most of the time but I also feel a desire to be in a close relationship with someone too. I get mad everytime I see a happy couple. I know it's pathetic being jealous of it, but it's just because I feel like I've got left behind. Seeing it as a "weakness" might be a good defense, but only if you truly believe it, and it's impossible to fool yourself. I wish I could be "ok" with it just by thinking this way.

 

[Wanderer145]

I get mad everytime I see a happy couple.whatsow it's pathetic being jealous of it, but it's just because I feel like I've got left behind. Seeing it as a "weakness" might be a good defense, but only if you truly believe it, and it's impossible to fool yourself. I wish I could be "ok" with it just by thinking this way.

I get that too to a degree. Feeling left behind is a bad feeling no doubt. You start to think 'what's wrong with me?' 'Why is it so easy for them/everyone else?' It's just half your social capabilities and half luck when it comes to partners. Just don't think too much about it man. It annoys you and does no good for your wellbeing. Focus on your life and the things you can do. Go and do something you enjoy and you'll experience things that nobody else can. It's your own personal joy that can make life better. Who knows who you'll meet.

 

[ardour]

... then I spent a year dating/being rejected/taking risks/getting to know guys etc....almost a whole year of that, and I kept up the full-time effort. Full-time meaning I devoted hours each day to getting to know guys - whether it be by chatting, phone calls or meeting up for dates. It wasn't easy, but after that year, I found someone.

Am I wrong in thinking that if you really, truly can say from your heart, that you put in all the effort you are capable of, that you will just always be alone anyway? That none of the effort is worth it?

These men you spent hours a day talking to, I assume this was all initially online? Many guys spend months on dating sites without one reply to any messages. How does one will themselves out of that situation?

Outside of the dating site scenario women are wary of getting-to-you know-you chat, precisely because it could mean you're interested and so they either make themselves unavailable for conversation, or 'unknowable' in the sense that it remains polite and matter-of-fact.

 

[Pike Creek]

These men you spent hours a day talking to, I assume this was all initially online? Many guys spend months on dating sites without one reply to any messages. How does one will themselves out of that situation?

All of my potential dates started as online chatting through OKC.

I can't answer your question because it's too subjective. I don't know the men who are not getting the replies, what their profiles are like, what criteria they indicate, how many messages they send out and what photos they post. Since every woman's ideal man is so different, you can't really follow a formula that works.If a man goes months with no replies to his messages, maybe he needs to change his approach, words, profile etc...who really knows right?

 

[Jacob1]

I get angry inside at times as well, often with people who tell me to stop looking for a partner, and also often at God.
People who tell me to be happy and fulfilled alone usually have a partner and/or family, so they are in a very different place to me.
Re God. I don't mix much with other Christians as it gets to me when they go on (amongst other things) about how God answered their prayers for a life partner as it makes me wonder why He hasn't answered mine. If He wants me to be alone, He shouldn't have given me the longing for closeness and for love.
Mr Hermit-you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling.

Hey you should no god does not just hand stuff out show him you mean it for reall show him you mean it

 

[CHSlater]

Hey you should no god does not just hand stuff out show him you mean it for reall show him you mean it

Wut?

 

[Jacob1]

Hey you should no god does not just hand stuff out show him you mean it for reall show him you mean it

Wut?

What? God does not hands stuff out

 

[EveWasFramed]

*facepalm*