Nobody really knows how to help me

[Juni]

I'm sorry if that title sounds edgy and all but I've been trying for at least five years to get help. I'm only know being acknowledged by professionals at 17. I knew I had depression but now it's depression, anxiety, early signs of Psychosis (which can develop into ****** anything but they're predicting schizophrenia) and more. Fun.

My school has given up on me, my closest friend has no idea how to help me, and all my other friends have left me behind. If I didn't have my best friend, I'd have spent all summer alone. My therapist recommended me to get a very specific type of therapy called DBT. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. They're apparently different in the way they work with people. The issue is that you have to be specifically trained in it. It's really obscure.

See, DBT is supposed to help people with my specific problem: my brain is so stressed that I can't express any of my emotions properly anymore. It just shuts down and I go through episodes of feeling literally void. It's like being half alive, half dead.

There's only one place in my entire state that does it. I'm on their waiting list, but it's going to take a long time, and I'm getting worse. It's to the point where I have breakdowns because I can't even explain the smallest things. Everything is just bouncing around inside me. Hell, I can't even explain how I want my hair done. I just blank out and then that frustrates me so I get angrier and more upset until I just... blank emotionally. That's the only way I can really describe it. You just lose everything. Like you keep dying. If anyone's played Dragon Age (I'm a nerd, I know) it's like being half-tranquil. You KNOW you're supposed to feel something. You KNOW what you're looking at would typically invoke happiness or sadness but instead you just feel nothing. It creates a strange frustration that just bubbles inside you - you can't release it even if you want to. I guess feeling nothing could be a depression thing - but in this case it's my brain's automatic coping mechanism to any hardship at all. It hurts a lot. I feel like I'm suffocating literally.

I just wish at least one person knew how to help me and would actually try. All my therapists just got fed up with me. My current therapist is the one who recommended DBT. I can tell even she's frustrated with me, and just kind of wants to shove me at someone who she thinks can tolerate me better.

I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time since clearly nobody can help me... Not my friend, not my ****** family, not my therapists.

If you read this, thanks. I don't know where else to turn so I guess I'm reaching out to the internet now. Hell, I even put this on reddit's r/depression. I'm that desperate. Some people might call that pathetic... but hey, I am.

 

[MisterLonely]

How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.

 

[Juni]

How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.

No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.

 

[kamya]

You'll be ok. Just don't use your issues as a crutch and you'll be fine eventually.

 

[TheRealCallie]

How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.

No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.

"Something specific in mind"....is that about your hair?  If it is, I wouldn't worry too much about that.  I think a lot of people have that issue and unless you do that for a living, it's not very surprising that you can't convey what you want.  Try looking online and try to find something close to what you want and that will help you out.  It's what I did the last time I got my hair cut. 

As for everything else.  You say no one can help you.  Of course they can't.  All they can do is give you advice.  It's really on you to do the hard work that needs to be done to be able to change.  Other people can only get you so far. 
Now, granted, if there is something other than depression or anxiety there, that may be more difficult, but it's still most likely doable. 

What do you want to accomplish?  This week, this year, this lifetime...it doesn't really matter what the time frame is, as long as you have something you can work towards.  I'd recommend starting with small goals.  Like, for example, saying hi to random people when you are out.  Or if you don't go out much, venture out for a walk or something. 
Stop focusing on what you feel you can't do and start focusing on what you know you can.  So what CAN you do?  What do you WANT to do?  Write a list and then figure out how you can go about getting on the path to accomplishing those things.

 

[Juni]

How much of your "world" do you have control over? You mention not being able to explain how you want your hair done, my question is; have you thought about such things before the need arises?, do you care how it's done?, how it makes you look? or would you just as easily say "make something off it" and give up that control over it?

Some people thrive on strict control, others need to learn to let go and be out of control, I wished I could help you, I can not... but I can share a little of my own experiences after having spend almost 10 years in home going out as little as possible. One thing that kept me from moving forward was control, I had a very limited number of things I was in control of, I needed that control to keep me sane, but after a while that control became obsession and I realized I wasn't in control of those things, they needed to be the same all the time, you could say they needed to be fixed.

Letting go of those things I was in control of was what finally gave me a feeling of liberation, and anxiety began to ease with it.

No, it's different. I have something specific in mind, but my brain loses the ability to convey language.

"Something specific in mind"....is that about your hair?  If it is, I wouldn't worry too much about that.  I think a lot of people have that issue and unless you do that for a living, it's not very surprising that you can't convey what you want.  Try looking online and try to find something close to what you want and that will help you out.  It's what I did the last time I got my hair cut. 

As for everything else.  You say no one can help you.  Of course they can't.  All they can do is give you advice.  It's really on you to do the hard work that needs to be done to be able to change.  Other people can only get you so far. 
Now, granted, if there is something other than depression or anxiety there, that may be more difficult, but it's still most likely doable. 

What do you want to accomplish?  This week, this year, this lifetime...it doesn't really matter what the time frame is, as long as you have something you can work towards.  I'd recommend starting with small goals.  Like, for example, saying hi to random people when you are out.  Or if you don't go out much, venture out for a walk or something. 
Stop focusing on what you feel you can't do and start focusing on what you know you can.  So what CAN you do?  What do you WANT to do?  Write a list and then figure out how you can go about getting on the path to accomplishing those things.

It's not really just about my hair, that's just an example. I get it over nearly everything. I'm going to start thinking about it. Usually I'm not too good at that, lol, but... Trying.

 

[lovetodance2018]

I am sorry you are struggling. That must be really hard to want to have emotion but your brain shuts down. It sounds like that is how your brain wants to cope when things get overwhelmed. You mentioned that you are on a waiting list for DBT. Have you researched how it works? Have you already tried CBT? Has your therapists looked into medication for you? Often our brains can get chemically imbalanced and the right medication can help towards feeling better. The tricky part is finding the medication and therapy that works for you. It is hard to feel better when your brain can be chemically imbalanced. For me I need the medication to get my brain balanced, then I can deal with what triggers lead to my depression and anxiety. I am sorry you feel that your therapists and friends are not supporting you. You might need to consider looking for another therapist. How long have you been with this one? Also, it takes work to feel better, we need to train ourselves to avoid the negative thoughts and try to replace them with positive ones. Here is a good article about that - https://bit.ly/2MdGi0p. I will be praying for you. Please know you are not alone, there are people who care. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

 

[user 115627]

Have you attempted to write down the thoughts that go into all these small things and decisions? Perhaps there is a chance to create a bit more order on a piece of paper than trying to work it all out in your head. I know this is cumbersome, but hell...then you could even erase parts and come back to your notes in the necessary situations. For starters it could just be single words like in a mind map. It's just an abstract idea I had...

 

[Guzheng]

Hi Juni, nobody knows how to help me either!!!  I was told I had psychosis too.   I'm also depressed.  I met with a therapist weekly for a few months, and pretty much all I did was complain about random things that bothered me.  Not surprisingly, talking about how bad I felt didn't make me feel better.  She referred me to another therapist, who was too far away for me to see on a regular basis.  I went to the mental health hospital twice; it was nice of them to try, but it was pretty clear that they couldn't help me beyond preventing me from hurting myself or others.

DBT is a good treatment, I was given a brief introduction to it; however, it takes a lot of practice to learn to express emotions effectively.  Maybe there are Youtube videos that teach DBT - definitely worth searching for.

The way I experience emotions is similar to what you described.  A lot of things don't cause any emotional response in me, so I am emotionally numb sometimes.  But when something does cause me to feel an emotion, I feel all possible emotions at once. For example, I can't laugh at an internet joke without crying, and no, it isn't because the joke is that funny.  Another example, whenever I miss my ex, I feel happy. How does that make sense? Aren't you sad when you miss someone?  I am so confused by this.

After wasting one year of my life trying to get help, I have accepted the fact that no one is going to help me.  I struggle every day to stay focused on whatever activities I'm doing and avoid a mental breakdown.  I play "relaxing music", even though I don't think I have ever felt relaxed in my life, just lethargic, thoughtful, or curious.

Maybe we can help each other, because we are similar.  Send me a PM and let's communicate more.

 

[YourAmigo2017]

Hi Juni, nobody knows how to help me either!!!  I was told I had psychosis too.   I'm also depressed.  I met with a therapist weekly for a few months, and pretty much all I did was complain about random things that bothered me.  Not surprisingly, talking about how bad I felt didn't make me feel better.  She referred me to another therapist, who was too far away for me to see on a regular basis.  I went to the mental health hospital twice; it was nice of them to try, but it was pretty clear that they couldn't help me beyond preventing me from hurting myself or others.

DBT is a good treatment, I was given a brief introduction to it; however, it takes a lot of practice to learn to express emotions effectively.  Maybe there are Youtube videos that teach DBT - definitely worth searching for.

The way I experience emotions is similar to what you described.  A lot of things don't cause any emotional response in me, so I am emotionally numb sometimes.  But when something does cause me to feel an emotion, I feel all possible emotions at once. For example, I can't laugh at an internet joke without crying, and no, it isn't because the joke is that funny.  Another example, whenever I miss my ex, I feel happy. How does that make sense? Aren't you sad when you miss someone?  I am so confused by this.

After wasting one year of my life trying to get help, I have accepted the fact that no one is going to help me.  I struggle every day to stay focused on whatever activities I'm doing and avoid a mental breakdown.  I play "relaxing music", even though I don't think I have ever felt relaxed in my life, just lethargic, thoughtful, or curious.

Maybe we can help each other, because we are similar.  Send me a PM and let's communicate more.

Good morning,

You both mention that no one has been able to help! have you tried church, Priest or a pastor to pray for deliverance? I know for sure my daughter's depression did not completely go away when we turned to a local church pastor, but you would really need to open up and trust that you will be heal.

An alternative to the above could also be Hypnosis or reverse Hypnosis where they show you, your past lives and a lot of the times your problems now have to do with past issues.

I'm sorry just my two cents, trying to help to give you more options because this was not mentioned here.

 

[Guzheng]

Good morning,

You both mention that no one has been able to help! have you tried church, Priest or a pastor to pray for deliverance? I know for sure my daughter's depression did not completely go away when we turned to a local church pastor, but you would really need to open up and trust that you will be heal.

An alternative to the above could also be Hypnosis or reverse Hypnosis where they show you, your past lives and a lot of the times your problems now have to do with past issues.

I'm sorry just my two cents, trying to help to give you more options because this was not mentioned here.

Thanks for your suggestions, Amigo. 2 cents is not much, but it's money!

Trusting that you will be healed is easier said than done.  However, I am open to the idea that God can help me and guide me to a better state of mind than I am in right now.  I know someone who is firm in her beliefs and intends to work for the church someday, I will see if I can contact her and ask for help.

 

[LikeMinds]

Hi, Juni. Let me say up front that I am in the process of getting into DBT for reasons similar to yours. Not that this forum isn't great, but I have found a lot of understanding people who can really relate to how I feel over at mentalhealthforum.net/. You might take a look. It really does help to be able to get out your feelings with people who have been (or are) there and can understand.

Just a thought.

 

[SpectraApocalypse]

I can relate. I don't feel anything either. I know I'm supposed to but I don't feel much of anything I just stop trying to feel it and stay depressed.

 

[Tranquil]

Juni, everybody knows, deep down, what the right thing to do is.

Unfortunately, many people mainly do what feels right, instead of what is right. Most of these don't even know the different. 
Often, the right thing to do goes against the grain of what feels right.

Sit for a while (at least half an hour) in quiet introspection, and search deep down for what is the right thing to do to get help, of even deeper still, how to help yourself.

Your answers are within you. It is generally called 'truth'. We all have a reference of truth within us. . . or how else how are we to recognize the truth when we hear it. Some say this reference of truth is our very spirit of life. I believe if everybody paid daily attention to their own truth, this world would be better place to live in.

 

[NajibHuslam]

I'm not gonna ********* you and say everything's gonna be okay and that type of **** cuz you never know. But what I can tell you right now with a 100% honesty is to not beat yourself up for anything. Everyone has issues. Severity ranges yes, but you are part of this ****** up society a long with the rest of us which means that you are my brother/sister. We all have the same experiences some point in our lives. We all go through some sort of suffering, some sort of hardship. But to receive help, means to receive help from yourself too. I may not completely understand what you are going through at the moment, but I genuinely do care and hope that this does help you. Very cliché but I learned that everything is ******* possible when you take steps towards it. And the biggest step for you right now is to find something in your life that gives you motivation to carry on. Something to keep you holding on to hope. Love yourself fam.

 

[Juni]

Hi, Juni.  Let me say up front that I am in the process of getting into DBT for reasons similar to yours.  Not that this forum isn't great, but I have found a lot of understanding people who can really relate to how I feel over at mentalhealthforum.net/.  You might take a look.  It really does help to be able to get out your feelings with people who have been (or are) there and can understand.  

Just a thought.

I'll check that out!

 

[Juni]

Hi Juni, nobody knows how to help me either!!!  I was told I had psychosis too.   I'm also depressed.  I met with a therapist weekly for a few months, and pretty much all I did was complain about random things that bothered me.  Not surprisingly, talking about how bad I felt didn't make me feel better.  She referred me to another therapist, who was too far away for me to see on a regular basis.  I went to the mental health hospital twice; it was nice of them to try, but it was pretty clear that they couldn't help me beyond preventing me from hurting myself or others.

DBT is a good treatment, I was given a brief introduction to it; however, it takes a lot of practice to learn to express emotions effectively.  Maybe there are Youtube videos that teach DBT - definitely worth searching for.

The way I experience emotions is similar to what you described.  A lot of things don't cause any emotional response in me, so I am emotionally numb sometimes.  But when something does cause me to feel an emotion, I feel all possible emotions at once. For example, I can't laugh at an internet joke without crying, and no, it isn't because the joke is that funny.  Another example, whenever I miss my ex, I feel happy. How does that make sense? Aren't you sad when you miss someone?  I am so confused by this.

After wasting one year of my life trying to get help, I have accepted the fact that no one is going to help me.  I struggle every day to stay focused on whatever activities I'm doing and avoid a mental breakdown.  I play "relaxing music", even though I don't think I have ever felt relaxed in my life, just lethargic, thoughtful, or curious.

Maybe we can help each other, because we are similar.  Send me a PM and let's communicate more.

I'm sorry for the late reply. I haven't used this forum often in my time of getting formally diagnosed.

Beyond my general psychosis, I've been diagnosed with BPD. You know, that one mental illness people made into a movie trope of the villain. You should definitely research it (not from Hollywood though) if you're having feelings similar to mine. I know it is improper to self-diagnose, but if you suspect that you might have BPD then you can bring that to the therapist directly to help them narrow it down. 
Common symptoms of BPD is high impulsiveness (which can lead to easy addictions), feeling too much or nothing at all (which ties into difficulty understanding emotions), persistence fear of rejection or abandonment (or perceived abandonment), and a few more since I don't want this post getting too long. You can read more about it here: https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

Whether or not you find BPD relatable in any way (you could have something else entirely, I'm not a doctor) I wanted to let you know that there is help. Even if it's painfully frustrating and takes a long time for people to figure out, there's help for you. Might just take a while (can't say I'm not frustrated with how long it took for me to get any semblance of help but it is there).
Unfortunately DBT is a process that does require a therapist but it's the best for this type of thing. That's why I think you should look into getting it.

I'm here if you need to talk further.

---

Hi! I know I haven't commented here in a while and most people might not see this, but I just wanted to let everyone know I appreciate all the replies I've gotten. You guys are wonderful! If anyone was worried about my disappearance (who knows) don't worry. I'm receiving help slowly.

 

[Black Manta]

Are you possibly having anxiety attacks?

Can you bypass certain things? Using your example about hair: could you find a picture on-line with the style you want before you get it cut to show it to the barber?

 

[BrokenHead]

Juni, I have been trying to explain how I feel to my Doctor today, unsuccessfully.
I have never suffered from any form of mental health issue, until my breakdown early this year.
Now I am scouring the Internet o try to find some way to understand why my head is broken and how to fix it.
Nothing made sense until I read your words just now. For that I thank you. But you are still broken. I was hoping as I read your post I would learn something from you.
Nevertheless, exerts from your post will help me (hopefully) to better put into words my feelings when next I speak to my Doctor.

[my brain is so stressed that I can't express any of my emotions properly anymore. It just shuts down and I go through episodes of feeling literally void. It's like being half alive, half dead.]

That's ME. exactly.

[It's to the point where I have breakdowns because I can't even explain the smallest things. Everything is just bouncing around inside me. Hell, I can't even explain how I want my hair done. I just blank out and then that frustrates me so I get angrier and more upset until I just... blank emotionally. That's the only way I can really describe it. You just lose everything.]

It's like you are in my head.
Now I have to go research DBT.
I've read of CBT. Spoke with my doctor about it.
Is there a difference? CBT made sense to me, I thought "That's what I need".
I feel so sorry for you that you have gone through this as a child. It's horrible.
I am confident I can beat this, with the right help, if I can find someone who not only LISTENS to me when I am able to talk properly, but actually HEARS and UNDERSTAND what I am trying to convey.
Thank you for your post, it's like a light went on in my head.

 

[BrokenHead]

Do you feel that way all the time?
I don't.  
Crowds, noise, stress, and sometimes my thoughts, set me off, being put on the spot.
eg. My Doctor. "Nice weather today eh"
Me "yeah the sun is out, it's lovely"
Doctor "So how can I help you today?"
My brain "blgfxddhgxcxdjjujgsxxdhvshgcvhhcvjhch"
Usually followed closely by a panic attack.
I want to understand.
I want them to understand.
I KNOW I could fix me if I could just figure out how.