On-line daters watch out for "nice guy syndrome."

[Limlim]

well... what about going after a different "attractive" girl then? The right girl for you doesn't necessarily have to be one of the ones that you dislike who are going after you now.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Exactly. That entitlement mentality... It's a really ****** attitude to have.

??? Is everyone who wants more than the **** they are given and told to accept take it or leave it, acting entitled? I don't think so. I don't care for the girls that are on my level. I want more out of life than that. I am willing to do the work.

---

I admit I hate the oft-repeated "move on", but suggesting that someone lets go or moves on is not "also known as" telling them to just quit and accept they are average and that life's going to suck. The fact that you are equating the two baffles me. No one is telling you to accept that you suck and life sucks, they're telling you that there is someone else out there for you, someone who will want you as much as you want them. You're not ready to accept that idea right now, which is fine, and it's understandable that you're feeling frustrated. But you're also kind of disregarding everyone here who is actually trying to help you by suggesting that they're just parroting responses they've been conditioned to believe rather than actually putting thought into them. The fact that you're getting a lot of the same answer is more likely because the people outside the situation (based on the information you have provided) can see what needs to happen better than you can right now.

No one is telling you to give up, in fact pretty much everyone is telling you to keep trying. They're just saying to try to find someone else. No one wants to see you wasting time on someone who's not going to give you the time of day in the end. Granted I don't read every thread, but from what I have seen so far, the only person who's suggested you'll have to settle for less than you're happy with is you.

In my opinion you're thinking too much in extremes. There is something in between "fate" and "I can control how other people feel about me and every outcome I desire if I just do the 'right' things!" Accepting that you can't control everything doesn't mean believing that you have no choice in anything.

I don't see anyone telling you that there are only certain people you can be with either; I see them saying that someone who is right for you will not walk off with some other dude.

You may have believed this girl was a perfect match for you and maybe she was on paper, but obviously the relationship was not. She made that decision and you need to respect that. It doesn't mean your life is over now.

Yea but they are telling me to give up because I don't want someone else. I really hate it when people suggest I find someone who is "right for me" because I know what kind of girls are "right for me" and I don't want them at all. They're ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and just very mediocre people that don't do anything with their lives. They are losers. These are the girls I wouldn't have to change for, therefore it would seem "natural". There sure is someone out there for me all right, someone who sucks. How am I supposed to be content, let alone fulfilled, by someone like that? The only way I can see that is if I quit trying, myself. Just quit trying to be more than this even though I hate it. Quit trying to align myself with the awesome girls and the awesome things in life. Just lay down and quit, in this one life.

I don't want the girls on my level and I don't want to spend my life settling for less watching helplessly as the "bad boys" get everything that is good in the world. I want to compete. And I think I'm getting a lot of the same answers because people are quitters. I've been a quitter too, for almost all my life and I was unhappy with what I got, but figured there was nothing I could do. I was miserable. I always dreamed of the day when I'd have more than what I was given. You all can do this your way, I'll do it mine. People have done this before. Looks like I'm on my own.

---

It seems to me that what you are saying is that every girl on Earth out of billions couldn't possibly measure up to this one girl on the whole planet who you want and that every single other girl in the world belongs to the category of ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and just very mediocre people who don't do anything with their lives. And that it's impossible for you to find someone else who has the qualities you want who actually wants to be with you too. And you actually believe the people on this thread are telling you to settle for an ugly, dull, lazy awkward, very mediocre girl. It's no wonder you're stuck. Well, I don't want to be harsh but if you send out the vibe that every woman on this planet who likes you or has the potential to like you except for one is ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and very mediocre then chances are they'll catch your negative harshly judgmental, dismissive energy and none of them (after being so obviously rejected on the basis of how you see them, hopefully they have enough self-esteem not to see themselves in this negative light) will like you very much either and you're stuck chasing a dream forever. Also you will probably never see the beauty in any one of them because you have already made up your mind about them regardless of how much you know about them. Anyway, no one here is telling you to go for someone you don't want, just consider how much better it would be if you found someone you really want, who has those extraordinary qualities you want in a woman and who truly wants you back. Good luck.

---

I kinda like this forum, the people here are just as nuts as I am.

Yes, it's been interesting and as fascinating as psychology! I am surprised and shocked at just how long this thread has gotten. I've been thinking my thread has gotten way more attention than it deserves. It is only about an annoying text message I got from a former date that I felt I had to vent about and WOW, we're at 21 pages??? I'm really surprised but to be fair it's not about me anymore. However I am amused at the direction this thread has taken so either continue to post away or don't, it doesn't matter to me, I'll keep reading it as if it's a fascinating soap opera and I'll stay tuned, and when it's done I'll say "ok."

 

[barky]

Wow! This thread has really drawn a crowd. And the debate that's evolved makes for a brilliant read. Kudos for the insight all - I've certainly learned!

My thoughts exactly jjessea haha!

 

[ardour]

It's really creepy reading about your desperation to be with this girl. The movie "Misery" comes to mind. I guarantee if this girl read any of the things you post here, she would be terrified for her safety.

You can't have her because she doesn't want you. It doesn't have anything to do with society. Even if you tried to change everything about yourself for her, you honestly have no idea what she wants. I guarantee what she wants, and what you think is an ideal guy are not even close. She probably doesn't even know what she wants. And even if you do change into the exact kind of person she would go for, people change. Especially young people.

Others tell you to move on because that's what a normal sane person would do. Not because you suck. Sometimes you can't have what you want. It has nothing to do with being average, or not trying hard enough. It's part of life.

This x 100.

 

[barky]

Feel this clip is one of the best explanations regarding relationships, specifically on the topic of this thread.
It's from a female perspective, but I find it relates to guys as well.

Looking forward to comments on this (good and bad)!

 

[TheSkaFish]

well... what about going after a different "attractive" girl then? The right girl for you doesn't necessarily have to be one of the ones that you dislike who are going after you now.

It seems to me that what you are saying is that every girl on Earth out of billions couldn't possibly measure up to this one girl on the whole planet who you want and that every single other girl in the world belongs to the category of ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and just very mediocre people who don't do anything with their lives. And that it's impossible for you to find someone else who has the qualities you want who actually wants to be with you too. And you actually believe the people on this thread are telling you to settle for an ugly, dull, lazy awkward, very mediocre girl. It's no wonder you're stuck. Well, I don't want to be harsh but if you send out the vibe that every woman on this planet who likes you or has the potential to like you except for one is ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and very mediocre then chances are they'll catch your negative harshly judgmental, dismissive energy and none of them (after being so obviously rejected on the basis of how you see them, hopefully they have enough self-esteem not to see themselves in this negative light) will like you very much either and you're stuck chasing a dream forever. Also you will probably never see the beauty in any one of them because you have already made up your mind about them regardless of how much you know about them. Anyway, no one here is telling you to go for someone you don't want, just consider how much better it would be if you found someone you really want, who has those extraordinary qualities you want in a woman and who truly wants you back. Good luck.

Truly attractive women are, for me at least, not that easy to find. I imagine it's the same on the other side of the gender line. The truth is I could count on 1 hand the number of girls I'd ever met in my life that actually interest me. I go years and years without meeting so much as 1 such person, that's why every failure is so disappointing. People are telling me I can't have what I want, so that only leaves what is left. And what's available is pretty much exactly like I described. Most people have very typical looks, interests, and personalities - they're very non-descript. Just look on any online dating website and you'll see what I mean. Page after page of people with roughly the same interests, same personality, and even similar physical features. There's nothing about them that is unique when there's a whole type of people like them who are more or less the same. Maybe I'm being overly negative and harsh in my assessment of them but when I met the girls I do like, it was like a breath of fresh air. Most people are pretty much the same. I want someone who doesn't belong to a type of looks, and who isn't having the same conversation everyone else is having. I want someone unique.

And yes, it may actually be impossible for me to attract someone who has the extraordinary qualities I want in a woman because I don't yet possess those qualities myself. Basically the same thing would happen again, until I change my identity. I'm not good enough for the ones I want yet not attracted to the ones on my level. I'm caught in limbo between who I currently am and who I want to be, and limbo is pretty empty.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Exactly. That entitlement mentality... It's a really ****** attitude to have.

??? Is everyone who wants more than the **** they are given and told to accept take it or leave it, acting entitled? I don't think so. I don't care for the girls that are on my level. I want more out of life than that. I am willing to do the work.

No, not at all. Strive for what you desire in life. However, not getting what you want and throwing a fit when you don't get it is acting very entitled. You aren't supposed to "have" someone just because you deem them the best fit for you. And you certainly don't have to accept whoever either just because they're there; But they don't have to for you as well. Just because you're there, in their face, saying they're perfect, doesn't mean they should want you.

Best of luck to you, honestly, and I hope you get exactly what you're reaching for, but it's your attitude about it that's going to be your downfall. That's all I'm saying, dude.

 

[Case]

Feel this clip is one of the best explanations regarding relationships, specifically on the topic of this thread.
It's from a female perspective, but I find it relates to guys as well.

Looking forward to comments on this (good and bad)!

To me, this scene is less an explanation of relationships than it is a study in how older and younger generations of people see relationships very differently.

I actually found this to be a sad film about sad characters.

 

[Solivagant]

I really hate it when people suggest I find someone who is "right for me" because I know what kind of girls are "right for me" and I don't want them at all.

If you don't want someone, they are not right for you. If someone doesn't want you, they are not right for you.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I really hate it when people suggest I find someone who is "right for me" because I know what kind of girls are "right for me" and I don't want them at all.

If you don't want someone, they are not right for you. If someone doesn't want you, they are not right for you.

Well, if I can't have who I want then it comes to a choice between someone I don't want or nothing. If someone I don't want is all that wants me, then that's all I get. I don't want them, but it's them or nothing. Like I said, people around here are very typical. Even their looks fall into certain types that you see again and again. You've got your professionals, bar scene people/sports fans, gamers/nerdy people, stoners, and so on. I'm not really any of those. But that's what I have to work with, so it's a choice to play along with one of them, or nothing.

---

Best of luck to you, honestly, and I hope you get exactly what you're reaching for, but it's your attitude about it that's going to be your downfall. That's all I'm saying, dude.

Thanks. I know it won't be easy to become attractive, to her or in general. The thing about all this is, I've experienced trying to get to know someone with whom I have nothing in common. Our conversations went no deeper than small talk, even after knowing them a long while. That was another girl I used to know. We couldn't talk and they didn't really care to talk to me first or really include me in their life at all, so that was a clear indicator that they were not right for me.

But this current girl was much different - I could actually talk to this girl I'm trying to figure out. And she would show interest in talking to me. And she'd literally say that she wanted to keep me in her life, that she could get rid of me but wants to keep me in touch. That's what makes me believe that there's something I can do. I just need to figure out how short of the mark I am.

 

[VanillaCreme]

So, she's the only one you could ever talk to? Have you even given anyone else a chance? Maybe talk to other girls? You don't know who you're compatible with until you try. Blowing off every other person because you're satisfied pouting over the one you can't have isn't going to do any good.

 

[TheSkaFish]

So, she's the only one you could ever talk to? Have you even given anyone else a chance? Maybe talk to other girls? You don't know who you're compatible with until you try. Blowing off every other person because you're satisfied pouting over the one you can't have isn't going to do any good.

She's one of the few I could have a conversation with that went deeper than small talk. Have I given anyone else a chance? No, not really. I have a good idea of what I want in someone, and the girls around here don't have it. In fact I've never met anyone around here who even comes close. They're all like how I mentioned earlier - very typical, and I am none of those types. One thing I really liked about her was that like me, she wasn't any type. And we could talk about anything easily. I just keep waiting and hoping she'll grow out of this image phase and come around.

It just really ******* sucks. I'm not interested in the things most people are so it makes it very hard to find someone I can talk to. It further makes it hard because so few of those people that I can actually have a conversation with, are attractive. So when something like this happens, and one of the few girls I am actually attracted to goes off with a *********, it angers me, it saddens me, and it just really hurts. I don't know what I can do to stop this from happening again and again but I just wish this ******** would end. And I don't even know if I'll ever even meet anyone I'm truly attracted to ever again. No one in my circle of friends knows anyone even remotely close to the kind of girl I'd like. I've checked online, and the girls on there don't share any of my interests or are completely unattractive. Then, even if I do meet someone I like which is a huge if, then there's the odds that they'll like me, which according to my **** luck, is infinitesimally low. It just doesn't look too good. My only hope is that the girls I like will grow out of the *********s and somehow we'll re-connect.

 

[Batman55]

It's really creepy reading about your desperation to be with this girl. The movie "Misery" comes to mind. I guarantee if this girl read any of the things you post here, she would be terrified for her safety.

That's not very nice of you, sir. He's got his right to vent so long as everything is said with anonymity. I'm seeing a lot of frustration from him, but not this "creepiness" you seem to mention. I wonder what led you to that conclusion.

 

[kamya]

It's really creepy reading about your desperation to be with this girl. The movie "Misery" comes to mind. I guarantee if this girl read any of the things you post here, she would be terrified for her safety.

That's not very nice of you, sir. He's got his right to vent so long as everything is said with anonymity. I'm seeing a lot of frustration from him, but not this "creepiness" you seem to mention. I wonder what led you to that conclusion.

You wouldn't see it.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's really creepy reading about your desperation to be with this girl. The movie "Misery" comes to mind. I guarantee if this girl read any of the things you post here, she would be terrified for her safety.

That's not very nice of you, sir. He's got his right to vent so long as everything is said with anonymity. I'm seeing a lot of frustration from him, but not this "creepiness" you seem to mention. I wonder what led you to that conclusion.

Well, she already knows that I like her, despise/hate her bf, and still chooses to remain in touch with me. That "creepy" thing does kind of insult me. Again it's not like she's someone I completely don't know and I've been following her around town and staring. We're friends. Or at least we were before I got mad at her. Things have been strained, but we're still in touch.

---

Feel this clip is one of the best explanations regarding relationships, specifically on the topic of this thread.
It's from a female perspective, but I find it relates to guys as well.

Looking forward to comments on this (good and bad)!

That clip was pretty much exactly what I was thinking. It was really depressing. I agree with the girl, settling is failure by definition. I don't want to spend my one life being someone who settles, aka someone who sucks. My one chance to be and experience is settling while the bad boys ride the gravy train. No way.

 

[painter's radio]

Feel this clip is one of the best explanations regarding relationships, specifically on the topic of this thread.
It's from a female perspective, but I find it relates to guys as well.

Looking forward to comments on this (good and bad)!

I was more reminded of this:

 

[barky]

True, I see the side you and Case mention Ska. Anna's character is pragmatic and moderately cynical about relationships, isn't she?

I like to see another side: pleasant happenstance.

Clooney's and Vera's (think that's her name at least) characters recall having Anna's perception of love/relations, but explain how they finally found the bliss in chance and letting chemistry happen. They wise-up with age and gradually realize checklists and pursuits of perfection are kind of overt. Love will come when it wants, and one'll just know when it does; no criteria necessary.

A common question I hear, and think is asked lots, is "What's your type?". I used to think it over and try to decide. But I've finally realized that it's best not to set a type. Isn't that just limiting what we like? Plus, a new "type" of gal always seems to come along and catch my eye. I would never have imagined a beauty like hers, but there she is, and she's rocking.

Bottomline for me is that we can continually better ourselves. Striving for our best isn't bad. But the control ends there, with us. Anything outside of ourselves will happen how it wants. I hope you can see that as an accomplishment and not as a failure or settling Ska.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

It just really ******* sucks. I'm not interested in the things most people are so it makes it very hard to find someone I can talk to. It further makes it hard because so few of those people that I can actually have a conversation with, are attractive.

I really hate it when people suggest I find someone who is "right for me" because I know what kind of girls are "right for me" and I don't want them at all. They're ugly, dull, lazy, awkward and just very mediocre people that don't do anything with their lives. They are losers.


Skafish, I can't help but take note of these things that you're saying about women whose only crime may be taking an interest in you. You're kind of mean! Are you aware of this? You have every right not to be interested in them. You have every right not to be attracted to them. But couldn't your words be somewhat kinder? Maybe make it about you and not about them. For example instead of saying "so few of those people that I can actually have a conversation with are attractive" Why not say "I'm not attracted to very many of the people I can have a conversation with." That makes it about you, not about them. And also you might come to terms with the fact that your perception that these women who like you are ugly, dull, lazy, awkward, mediocre and losers is really just YOUR perception. This does not mean that these women truly are by universal truth, ugly, dull, lazy, awkward, mediocre losers. They are to you, not to everybody, and they probably do have value to other people. Couldn't you just say that you personally do not find them interesting, attractive, non-lazy or above mediocre instead of just declaring them as having all these negative traits as if these women truly have no worth or positive traits at all and even calling them losers. What have they done to deserve this? What drives you to insult them and say such mean things about them? Something inside me wants to defend these poor women.

 

[Solivagant]

Well, if I can't have who I want then it comes to a choice between someone I don't want or nothing.

So you believe this one girl is the only girl on the entire planet that you could ever possibly want? There is absolutely no potential for you to ever meet anyone else you like who would also like you, ever?

I'm not saying you can't try for her again if/when she's single, since you obviously won't be able to live with yourself until you do; I'm just perplexed that you're limiting yourself to her and only her and denying the existence of other possibilities. =/


Edit: By the way I should clarify that if you do end up going for her again and she still says no, you really do need to let it go this time and respect her feelings.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Skafish, I can't help but take note of these things that you're saying about women whose only crime may be taking an interest in you. You're kind of mean! Are you aware of this? You have every right not to be interested in them. You have every right not to be attracted to them. But couldn't your words be somewhat kinder? Maybe make it about you and not about them. For example instead of saying "so few of those people that I can actually have a conversation with are attractive" Why not say "I'm not attracted to very many of the people I can have a conversation with." That makes it about you, not about them. And also you might come to terms with the fact that your perception that these women who like you are ugly, dull, lazy, awkward, mediocre and losers is really just YOUR perception.

Okay. I could do that. Let me rephrase: I don't think I am terribly original but at the same time, I don't have a lot in common with most people. Most people around here are either professionals that are into their jobs and/or the bar scene, TV, and sports - or they are other miscellaneous niche groups devoted to just one thing. I'm not a just one thing person though. So there aren't a lot of women I can have a deeper-than-small-talk conversation with. And of those few that I can, there are fewer still that I am physically attracted to.

I feel bad for some of these women too. Some are really out of shape and it's a danger to their health. I hope for their own sake they get better.

What's made me mean is that I consider myself at least half-decent, yet I'm getting passed over here. I've never robbed anyone, vandalized property, picked fights, done hard drugs, etc. nor do I want to. But the people who have are the ones who get first choice in life because they are oh so cool. It angers me, it's really started to jade me. I thought I was old enough and meeting people smart enough to not care about that image crap. And here it is. I feel like it's high school again, where certain people just get right-of-way whether they are good people or not.

---

So you believe this one girl is the only girl on the entire planet that you could ever possibly want? There is absolutely no potential for you to ever meet anyone else you like who would also like you, ever?

I'm not saying you can't try for her again if/when she's single, since you obviously won't be able to live with yourself until you do; I'm just perplexed that you're limiting yourself to her and only her and denying the existence of other possibilities. =/

She's not the only one, and never really has been. She was just the one I talked to the most and was the most interested in talking to me. There were two others I liked almost as much, but I met them both online as well and they are both also taken. One very much so, which sucks, because with this particular girl, I had the most interests in common.

But - she's one of the very few on the entire planet that I would want, yes. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but if the past is any indicator of the future, it's very unlikely. My friends don't know anyone of this caliber. I wouldn't say it's crazy to assume that I wouldn't meet anyone else I would like as much. I met the 3 girls I liked in 2011 and 2012 and have not met anyone before or since that I've felt the same way about.

As far as I can tell, other, equal possibilities just don't exist. I could go out with someone I wouldn't like as much, but it just wouldn't be any fun. I'd be giving up, I wouldn't really be excited to be there. It would be like that film clip. I want to know the thrill of finding someone special, not the tired resignation of defeat.