Questions for the Women

[lookatbrightside]

No need to be rich as long as its enough living. Meaning the man is not lazy also be responsible hard worker.

 

[Deniz]

I don't think women are exclusively attracted to smooth-talkers, and I think when we say men and women are attracted to confidence, what we mean is someone who seems secure with who they are. As in either they don't have insecurities or their insecurities are not projected onto others making for enjoyable companionship. And people are generally attracted to others who exhibit self-believe and positivity (a can-do/can-try attitude).

When I think of "confidence", these are the features that come to mind. Almost all my girlfriends, and myself included might talk to a smooth-talker who approaches us, but we'd definitely not immediately trust the guy unless he showed other signs of potential, like being respectful, kind, etc (each woman is different with her expectations, the same way men are I guess). 

Extroverted men, on the other hand (not necessarily confident), perhaps have a better chance at chatting up women, but that doesn't mean shy or introverted men can't have success in dating. I know PLENTY of introverted guys who are happily married/in relationships. Their approach tends to be different though. They usually become friends with women first and then it becomes more. 

When you say "women", I imagine it's because you've had a similar experience with them, but perhaps that's because you're looking at a specific type of woman who seems to only respond to a certain type of man? There are many types of women, like there are men.

 

[MissBehave]

Yes.. this is good Deniz. I agree.

Hmm. 
I don’t think confidence is the lack of insecurities but rather the strength to be themselves without apologizing for it. At least for me.

 

[BeyondShy]

I don't think women are exclusively attracted to smooth-talkers, and I think when we say men and women are attracted to confidence, what we mean is someone who seems secure with who they are. As in either they don't have insecurities or their insecurities are not projected onto others making for enjoyable companionship. And people are generally attracted to others who exhibit self-believe and positivity (a can-do/can-try attitude).

And this right here is where I get left behind.

When I think of "confidence", these are the features that come to mind. Almost all my girlfriends, and myself included might talk to a smooth-talker who approaches us, but we'd definitely not immediately trust the guy unless he showed other signs of potential, like being respectful, kind, etc (each woman is different with her expectations, the same way men are I guess). 

I am respectful and kind but that never has got me anywhere. It was always drilled into me to be like this but at this point I don’t know if that is even true anymore.

Extroverted men, on the other hand (not necessarily confident), perhaps have a better chance at chatting up women, but that doesn't mean shy or introverted men can't have success in dating. I know PLENTY of introverted guys who are happily married/in relationships. Their approach tends to be different though. They usually become friends with women first and then it becomes more. 

That’s a bunch of nonsense. How do you become friends with them first if they don’t even give you the **** time of day to begin with?

When you say "women", I imagine it's because you've had a similar experience with them, but perhaps that's because you're looking at a specific type of woman who seems to only respond to a certain type of man? There are many types of women, like there are men.

No, I am talking about all types.

I don’t think confidence is the lack of insecurities but rather the strength to be themselves without apologizing for it. At least for me.

I am trying to figure out what this means. I do know if you and 99% of the people here ever saw me in person I would not get the chance to be myself without apologizing for it.

 

[ardour]

I don't think women are exclusively attracted to smooth-talkers, and I think when we say men and women are attracted to confidence, what we mean is someone who seems secure with who they are. As in either they don't have insecurities or their insecurities are not projected onto others making for enjoyable companionship. And people are generally attracted to others who exhibit self-believe and positivity (a can-do/can-try attitude).

Men usually aren't bothered by insecurities. Not until it gets into mentally unstable territory (and even then often not). You only have to look at the relationship status of men with mental health problems compared  to women to see that depression and low self-esteem are nowhere near as much of an issue for you when it comes to attracting a partner.

 

[Deniz]

Men usually aren't bothered by insecurities. Not until it gets into mentally unstable territory (and even then often not). You only have to look at the relationship status of men with mental health problems compared  to women to see that depression and low self-esteem are nowhere near as much of an issue for you when it comes to attracting a partner.

I've personally known men who have rejected women who had insecurities. They won't even give the girl a chance. She makes one comment about how she has insecurities about her looks and my guy friends are like insecurities = drama...don't need that, bye. I also know women who have depression who had guys go out with them for a few months, get intimate and then disappear. You can imagine how used they feel.

But, I also know men and women who met their partners, fell for them, discovered later that they were going through depression, were suicidal or self harming, and didn't leave them. They're still together years later.

The way I see it, either through luck, fate or sheer persistence, no matter how many issues/flaws a person has (or thinks they have), there is always a chance that someone out there is capable of seeing something in them they can love and commit to.

 

[BeyondShy]

The way I see it, either through luck, fate or sheer persistence, no matter how many issues/flaws a person has (or thinks they have), there is always a chance that someone out there is capable of seeing something in them they can love and commit to.

Sorry I asked!

 

[TheRealCallie]

Men usually aren't bothered by insecurities. Not until it gets into mentally unstable territory (and even then often not). You only have to look at the relationship status of men with mental health problems compared  to women to see that depression and low self-esteem are nowhere near as much of an issue for you when it comes to attracting a partner.

Holy honeysuckle, generalize much?  I really fail to see why men think they know so much about women when it's pretty **** clear you don't.

As for me, confidence is important and will sometimes make up for other issues, but you don't have to be super alpha male confident to attract someone.  Just be comfortable with yourself, accept yourself  and stop caring so much what other people think of you.  Other people pick up on the vibes you throw out, whether those are negative or positive.  Obviously, people will respond more to positive than negative.

 

[BeyondShy]

I really fail to see why men think they know so much about women when it's pretty **** clear you don't.

Every time I try to even assume that I know so much about women I take a step back and remind myself that the only person I am fooling with that belief is me.

As for me, confidence is important and will sometimes make up for other issues, but you don't have to be super alpha male confident to attract someone.  Just be comfortable with yourself, accept yourself  and stop caring so much what other people think of you.  Other people pick up on the vibes you throw out, whether those are negative or positive.  Obviously, people will respond more to positive than negative.

Well, I am not anywhere near super alpha male category but at the same time I am not someone that people go out of their way to avoid when I come in a room or not talk to when I do work up the courage to say something.

I believe it comes down to what you are saying. If you can not accept myself (and at this point I don’t) then why should others? I care a lot of what people think. Am I too short? Too fat? Too this or that? If I had to look at myself I would have to say I am a master at projecting negative vibes.

Thank you and everyone else for the feedback.

 

[M_also_lonely]

What's with this hypocrisy?

I recently found out that men being concerned about her not being their first love/partner is not a rare problem. The concern is everywhere. So it must be addressed. Something about this is bothering them. I asked a few why its a problem.

And in most places online and offline, such men are shamed, accused of judging her character, not trusting her, asking him to get rid of 'SUCH MENTALITY", etc.

"It doesn't matter, she's with you now."

This concern is never responded with a helpful or fulfilling answer.

----------------------------
But when the same question is asked with a different context, the answer is completely opposite.
Something like this:

1. https://www.bustle.com/p/why-you-cant-forget-your-first-love-according-to-psychology-19283345

2. https://www.lifehack.org/449751/10-reasons-why-we-never-forget-our-first-love

3. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/are-first-loves-really-deepest/1055283

4. https://swoon.theodysseyonline.com/forget-love-reasons-loves-special-powerful


And many more....

Why shame men for wanting to be that special guy she'll never forget? And answer differently when same question is asked in different contexts.

What's the point for men wasting a second with you if this is true?

If it means first experiences are special but it doesn't matter, then what is the meaning of first experiences being special?

 

[MissBehave]

If it means first experiences are special but it doesn't matter, then what is the meaning of first experiences being special?

I think it's different for everyone but..
First experience for me is special in the sense that it was the first time. I guess it goes for a lot of things. Your first kiss, your first car, your first everything.
I dunno. 
I've seen this upset some men a lot. They want a virgin with the skills of a whore. If it only matters to be special in the way of being the first sex partner, then good luck finding that. 
A man being chosen as a boyfriend should be the indicator that you are special. But no, a woman needs to be the virgin Mary in order to make the man feel special.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think, these days, people complain just to complain. Everyone has to be offended by something or entitled to something or whatever.

I remember my first love, my first kiss, my first car, my first..well, yeah, pretty much everything. Who cares. You either remember or you don't. You either have a first or you don't. I don't really see the big deal. Either you trust someone or you don't. If you don't trust someone you are in a relationship with or someone you want to be in a relationship with, it likely won't last long. Unless of course, they refuse to admit it or just stay together for the sake of having someone, but you will eventually be miserable.

Okay, pretty sure I'm rambling now and don't even know if I'm on topic anymore, but here's the deal. Stop worrying about EVERYONE ELSE and worry about what you want, what you have. If you have someone, make sure you are happy and try to not make them miserable. It doesn't matter what everyone else in the world has done in the past. Everyone has a past. Either you accept it or you don't. Also, people are going to find something to judge you for because people judge. Deal with it.

 

[M_also_lonely]

If it means first experiences are special but it doesn't matter, then what is the meaning of first experiences being special?

I've seen this upset some men a lot. They want a virgin with the skills of a whore. If it only matters to be special in the way of being the first sex partner, then good luck finding that. 

Classic. 
Another thing women do. When the question is about the experiences of love and emotion, they turn the subject into sex. So that the accusation process becomes easier.

They just avoid the arguments they themselves make. Like:

[font=Roboto, sans-serif]"First loves are often very strong emotional connections," Bennett says. "In many cases, they happened before the logical parts of the brain have been fully developed and when bodily hormones are raging. This creates an almost overpowering emotional bond through the release of the chemical oxytocin, which is the same chemical that bonds mothers and their children."[/font]


[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]"First loves are often simple, yet very powerful," Bennett says. [/font][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]"Since the first love often feels intense, it could lead to someone believing that they loved their first more than others," April Davis, matchmaker and founder of ****[/font][font=Roboto, sans-serif] tells Bustle. They'll long for the intense feelings they had when they were in their past relationship and look for that feeling in everyone they meet after. When they don't find it, they might find themselves looking to [/font][font=Roboto, sans-serif]rekindle things with their ex[/font][font=Roboto, sans-serif].[/font][/font][/size][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]----------[/font][/font][/size][/font][/size]
[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]And everything that is said here:[/font][/font][/size][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]https://www.lifehack.org/449751/10-reasons-why-we-never-forget-our-first-love[/font][/font][/size][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium]or here[/font][/size][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium]https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/are-first-loves-really-deepest/1055283[/font][/size][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]or here:[/font][/font][/size]

[font=Roboto, sans-serif][size=medium][font=Roboto, sans-serif]https://swoon.theodysseyonline.com/forget-love-reasons-loves-special-powerful[/font][/font][/size]

"First experience for me is special in the sense that it was the first time. I guess it goes for a lot of things. Your first kiss, your first car, your first everything."


"But no, a woman needs to be the virgin Mary in order to make the man feel special."

Isn't that contradicting? What if the man feels special if he makes her partner feel special? That would mean, he'll never be able to have the experiences that made her feel special.

Also, what's special about it when you say, "First experience for me is special in the sense that..."

A man being chosen as a boyfriend should be the indicator that you are special. 

That contradicts your previous statement. "First experience for me is special in the......"

If it only matters to be special in the way of being the first sex partner, then good luck finding that. 

The question is not about virginity. Also, it shouldn't matter, right? Because even if the man chooses her simply for being a virgin, him choosing her as his girlfriend should be an indicator of his actions being special?
I am a bit confused.

 

[MissBehave]

You are quoting stuff I didn't say. Mixing my opinion with others isn't going to work. I'm purely stating my feelings regarding this. That should be obvious. 
I didn't say it was all about sex. 
That kind of view I was talking about effects everything to the point where the women has to almost be made for 1 man. Why can't a women be made for herself, for her own happiness.

 

[ardour]

It's like if someone's eaten ice cream every day for the last 10 years, icecream isn't going to feel like anything remarkable. Invevitably you'll wonder just how special you are to them. The research on oxytocin is there as well.

Also there's probably an than ick factor with the idea of being intimate with someone who's had a lot of partners. Sorry if that offends anyone.

 

[MissBehave]

It's like if someone's eaten ice cream every day for the last 10 years, icecream isn't going to feel like anything remarkable. Invevitably you'll wonder just how special you are to them. The research on oxytocin is there as well.

Also there's probably an than ick factor with the idea of being intimate with someone who's had a lot of partners. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Why isn't that ice cream gonna be good? 
I don't get it. 
You choose someone for love, sex & all that because it's going to be awesome. Because it is special. 
The value I put in a partner isn't devalued at all by anything. For me I think it makes it even more valuable cause I know what ice cream tastes like and I still want it with that chosen one.
If you were talking one night stands then I get it, then it's nothing but a booty call.

Hello Ardour *hugs*

 

[user 115627]

In some ways I believe the question has already been answered. Chemistry is powerful and people are indeed more prone to hang onto their first experiences of virtually anything good. In the case of first love let me put it this way: It can certainly be pure and special. Pure like purified alcohol in the way that it turns you ******* blind and special like that kid in 9th grade that still pees themselves. Don't be lizard-brained if you can help it. I think people that wait until their prefrontal cortex has fully developed might make better choices than hormonal teenagers overall, including their romantic interests. But alas, many people including myself have had their first love sometime during puberty. Even if it doesn't go anywhere or even lasts longer than a month, it sticks with you one way or another. So maybe pure and special is wrong.

Virgin fetish with regards to women is often a hangover effect from religion or evolutionary concerns with regards to parental uncertainty etc.
For men it's often the opposite, virgins being undesirable dead-ends.

In all likelihood the 200th ice cream is still gonna be good. It's just never gonna be the first one. And judgment will be cast on those that went through 199 flavors which they don't like anymore now. But this time they found their favorite. Perhaps one they always knew, but the other ones always seemed more fancy, exciting and novel.

 

[ardour]

It's like if someone's eaten ice cream every day for the last 10 years, icecream isn't going to feel like anything remarkable. Invevitably you'll wonder just how special you are to them. The research on oxytocin is there as well.

Also there's probably an than ick factor with the idea of being intimate with someone who's had a lot of partners. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Why isn't that ice cream gonna be good? 
I don't get it. 
You choose someone for love, sex & all that because it's going to be awesome. Because it is special. 
The value I put in a partner isn't devalued at all by anything. For me I think it makes it even more valuable cause I know what ice cream tastes like and I still want it with that chosen one.
If you were talking one night stands then I get it, then it's nothing but a booty call.

Hello Ardour *hugs*

You won't occupy as much of that person's mental space. Psychological energies have already been spent, dramas have already happened, a life has already been lived (you weren't part of)

*Creepy old man hug* to you, Miss

 

[TheRealCallie]

You won't occupy as much of that person's mental space. Psychological energies  have already been spent, dramas have already happened, a life has already been lived (you weren't part of)

That's bullshit.  If it's just a run of the mill relationship that isn't going to go anywhere, maybe.  But if it turns into something more.  If it turns into love, that person will be special and will stay with you.  Now, I'm not talking about the "love" that people say that feel after a week or whatever.  That's not love, that's lust and obsession and infatuation or whatever. 
And that is what people should be striving for.  The person that will love you isn't going to care about your past experiences, they will accept you as you are.

 

[MissBehave]

Being in love with someone is more about infatuation and obsession. It`s more about the hot and heavy stuff that burns bright and might even burn out.
Loving someone goes beyond this. It`s a selfless thing. You want that person to grow and you encourage it. There is no second guessing before you do it either since its selfless, so even if it will lead your loved one away from you you still do it.
I guess it all comes down to what that specific relationship is for you.
First or not first... Hmm.. A lot don`t have the maturity in them to even begin to think about love when they are young. It`s more about what a person can give to you than rather what you can give to them. The first relationship is a steep learning curve.
So yeah, it has nothing to do whether or not its first, middle or last.


Creepy hugs are my fav