Questions for the Women

[M_also_lonely]

In some ways I believe the question has already been answered. Chemistry is powerful and people are indeed more prone to hang onto their first experiences of virtually anything good. In the case of first love let me put it this way: It can certainly be pure and special. Pure like purified alcohol in the way that it turns you ******* blind and special like that kid in 9th grade that still pees themselves. Don't be lizard-brained if you can help it. I think people that wait until their prefrontal cortex has fully developed might make better choices than hormonal teenagers overall, including their romantic interests. But alas, many people including myself have had their first love sometime during puberty. Even if it doesn't go anywhere or even lasts longer than a month, it sticks with you one way or another. So maybe pure and special is wrong.

In all likelihood the 200th ice cream is still gonna be good. It's just never gonna be the first one. And judgment will be cast on those that went through 199 flavors which they don't like anymore now. But this time they found their favorite. Perhaps one they always knew, but the other ones always seemed more fancy, exciting and novel.

The point is that they are never able to defend that they can love as totally and innocently as the first time.  They end up telling that the love and commitment won't be complete.

Either they turn the argument into a virginity debate, or accuse the man of being a complainer. Both examples can be seen here. And this is the reason that a lot of the fellow men have given me that they would rather prefer to spend time with a prostitute, or sex dolls, than with a woman. I couldn't believe them when they said that. 

But when women are asked about their first love and first love in general, they can't stop describing how special it was, how nothing can ever replace that, how it is more passionate, innocent, dedicated, etc. 
That's my confusion.

> There is no element of mystery, the curiosity of how it would be, how it would feel. All that is over. And this is true.

They emphasize on how it was (some butterflies-stomach thing), and how it will be engraved in their memories for ever.
And how you can't take that away from her.

They have said all the things that I shared in the links. 

This does make a difference. The totality or the completeness is destroyed. Once said it can't be unsaid. They themselves say this, now how would one believe when they say, 'oh no! it doesn't matter', 'women (suddenly) don't care about past", 'i have forgotten him', 'i don't think about him'.   There's no way to figure it out. And it appears that they fail to convince every time.

As I have always failed to convince 'those' guys (you know) that she can love you. And so I have sought women's opinion in several places, but the response I get from women is always what 'those' guys claim: "The answer you get will depend on how you ask it." A completely opposite answer, if same question asked differently.

And if that is true, I don't see the point in a man investing his time, energy or resources in someone like that.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Of course love won't be as "innocent" and "total" as the first time. Because you aren't the same person after that, after anything. The first love is total and innocent because it's the first, because you don't know what you are doing, because for all intents and purposes, it's blind love because you don't know anything about it. You learn after your first, just like you do with any first. But that doesn't mean that after that, it can't be just as good or better than the first. Butterflies happen throughout life, not just for your first. And whoever is telling you there is no mystery or curiosity is full of honeysuckle. There is when you find the right person. I have loved two men in my life. I remember everything about both. They were different, definitely not the same, but both were special and both are irreplaceable. Doesn't mean I can't have a third love that will be special in its own way.

And if I'm the one who said MEN complain, look again, I said people, as in everyone regardless of what gender you are. Everyone complains and honestly, these days, I do believe people complain just to complain. These days, it seems people seem more interested in looking for excuses than solutions or just plain old getting on with life and not worrying about everyone else.

 

[M_also_lonely]

You won't occupy as much of that person's mental space. Psychological energies  have already been spent, dramas have already happened, a life has already been lived (you weren't part of) 

That's exactly what I am starting to think. Because the women who say otherwise, themselves seem to emphasize how powerful love is. How it is different than lust. I don't think that such a powerful thing will have no influence on a person as the claim.

---

Of course love won't be as "innocent" and "total" as the first time. 

But that doesn't mean that after that, it can't be just as good or better than the first. 

What?

 

[user 115627]

Maybe the idealization of early experiences or the past in general is a problem. Personally, I'm glad I can look more rationally at some of the romantic experiences I had. Mistakes have been made that should not have been made but lessons have been learned and it's better to not be as innocent and naive. These are not good qualities or a sign of high morality. I don't know, pedestalizing these moments instead of valuing the hindsight is a high price to pay.

 

[ardour]

You won't occupy as much of that person's mental space. Psychological energies  have already been spent, dramas have already happened, a life has already been lived (you weren't part of)

That's bullshit.  If it's just a run of the mill relationship that isn't going to go anywhere, maybe.  But if it turns into something more.  If it turns into love, that person will be special and will stay with you.  Now, I'm not talking about the "love" that people say that feel after a week or whatever.  That's not love, that's lust and obsession and infatuation or whatever. 
And that is what people should be striving for.  The person that will love you isn't going to care about your past experiences, they will accept you as you are.

Don't you get sick of all the straw? I was talking about long term relationships in someone's past. Even if they claim to be a different person now, you missed out on knowing them then, growing older together, sharing milestones: Everything.

Easy to dismiss youthful experiences when you've had them and easy to tell others who didn't how they should feel.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You won't occupy as much of that person's mental space. Psychological energies  have already been spent, dramas have already happened, a life has already been lived (you weren't part of)

That's bullshit.  If it's just a run of the mill relationship that isn't going to go anywhere, maybe.  But if it turns into something more.  If it turns into love, that person will be special and will stay with you.  Now, I'm not talking about the "love" that people say that feel after a week or whatever.  That's not love, that's lust and obsession and infatuation or whatever. 
And that is what people should be striving for.  The person that will love you isn't going to care about your past experiences, they will accept you as you are.

Don't you get sick of all the straw? I was talking about long term relationships in someone's past. Even if they claim to be a different person now,  you missed out on knowing them then, growing older together, sharing milestones: Everything.

Easy to dismiss youthful experiences when you've had them and easy to tell others who didn't how they should feel.

I know what you were talking about.  

As I said, If it's the right person, it won't matter what past relationships were, how long, how special.  Each relationship offers something new to a person, regardless how many relationships they have had or if they have been in love before.  It doesn't matter who a person was before, all that matters is who that person is now. There are milestones throughout life, who cares if you missed the immature stage or the college stage or whatever stage.  There are still a million stages to go through.  And again, as I said, if you are in a relationship and it turns into LOVE, it won't matter, it will be special.  

And just out of curiosity, do you actually read what I write?  Maybe just ignore it or see something completely different so you can try to argue with me?  

And as far as me dismissing youthful experiences, I don't dismiss all of them, some of them will stay with me forever.  BUT, they wouldn't change new relationships I have today, other than what I've learned from them.  I am a completely different person than I was then, so I wouldn't approach a relationship the same way.  It wouldn't matter if they knew me back then because that person is gone and that's a good thing.

 

[user 115627]

Makes you wonder where the threshold is. It's not like the people involved are the most reliable in telling you where it stopped being about lust and started being about "love". We aren't even considering something as mundane as routine here. People can spend a couple of years in relationships that started from nothing but lust and merged into habit. They might still tell you it was true love to begin with but somehow the flame went out over time. People can be quite fickle and if anything, these lines are more likely to be drawn in sand than carved in stone.

I'm not a romantic, I have forgotten plenty about the person I was together with the longest in the past - not considering my present ongoing relationship here (which is actually much longer). But I understand the question "How many ways can a relationship or multiple people be special until special stops being special." I don't have an answer and my assessment would be biased. Although I would say you can get closer to the truth from a detached point of view. Again, hindsight is 20/20.

 

[IforgotPass]

Hi all. New/old person here, I really did forget password on old account, as nick says.

I kinda need feedback on something and I wanted to ask something for quite some time now, cause I have been thinking about some stuff lately.
I have some questions which I would love to ask, and I would love to get honest feedback on specific questions, and not advices " call her " and stuff like that  ....

My previous story / topic was:
https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=40665

So this is the last one.

In short version.
We broke up about 5-6 weeks ago.
We haven't talked in this 5-6 weeks, and we both don't want to.
We are 50 - 50 in terms of fault.
We both wanted breakup.
Both of our lives are just f***ed up in terms of life circumstances so there is no point of comming back from both sides.
I'm pretty sure we still love each other on both sides.
I'm pretty sure we both don't want to go back together.

Questions which I have are next .....
Again, I want answer in this specific questions, not advices on getting back together cause I don't want that.

1. If you watched my profile, you know that I will get cancer somewhere in next 5-6-7-8 years time. And I will die from it. When we first met, after we got passed that start/beginner stage, I honestly told her that I love her first time when we talked seriously. I told her all scenarios which will happen to my body, I told her all circumstances. I gave her time and space to think about what she "wants to get into" in terms of my health. The "problem" is ... About first 4-5 months of our relationship, I did regret all of that. Now when I think about all our story. I really regret sending that first message and even meeting her, and fell in love and all that stuff. That for sure did eat me alive first 4 months. I mean, I knew it was pretty wrong and f***ed up from my point of view, but my friends and online advice people were kinda "you deserve to be happy - crap statements". And she was extremely sure that she wants to try and give us a chance. I did talk to her 2 or 3 times about it. And she was in "It is okey for me, don't worry - statements". The problem is, after my uncle did die from same honeysuckle. I did hear all of comments on him and his wife marriage from tons of people aside. On one side, I feel extremely gratefull and happy that she gave me the best memories of my life .... On the other side, I wish tons of times I've never sent that message. If I can now go back in time, I would never send it. And I know it sounds harsh probably. And yeah, it's not like I want to delete all her stuff cause we broke up, but I just feel "wrong" cause we ended up together in the first place. How do I forgive myself that? And how can I become okey with it and not eat myself over it?

2. Now when we talk about forgiveness ... this just came to my mind. When we broke up, I did "test" her, same "principle from above". In last few disfunctional months, the relationship was bad, after almost year and half of heaven. Again, it's both fault ... I did gave her an "ghost opportunity" to see if she still wants to do that. I did share 3 happy news in last couple of months. You know, just to see the small things in her answer, to see if she still cares. I gave her hot potato again, as in question 1, ... But this time indirectly. Anyway, long story short, she didn't react very nice to this news, and this news were pretty happy for me personal, so to me it said much about where we are and do we want continue this, by the way how she reacted on it. It's one of this stuff, which to ordinary people don't mean "anything" I guess, and for me did mean a lot. I would still do all the same in our relationship, I really did do my best ... But .... how do I forgive myself not trying harder after she has stop trying and gave up on it? I'm not sure if we would turn out different if, mostly, I gave us more "chances"? This will be pretty stupid statement, but I was all along 50-50 about break up, and I wanted indirectly see if she still wants to do it. And when she "told" me with her deeds that she "doesn't care anymore", instead of talking and trying to fix it / get help , I just gave up also .... Was that okey? We are both super unexperienced in terms of love life and sharing life so .....

3. This will probably also sound very very very very stupid, but I will do my best to explain this part. I really do love her, and I really don't want to get back with her. But .... I just wanna be sure that she is okey. I mean, we shared life for almost 2 years. I do care about her, I really want for her to be safe and happy and okey. But she is very very very very fragile person. Obviously , I don't want to contact her, or any of people in her life. I did block her on FB, and her few closest friends and family. And I don't want to be person who doesn't care anymore and thinks she is bad or stuff like that. We honestly had 2 pauses in relationship before break up. It was more like, bad stuff happened and I was already 50-50 about breakup, and we didn't talk for some time cause we needed to be alone, .... Me mostly so. It was not like, seeing other people aside or any of it. And she took it pretty baaaaaad. That's why I was afraid to end relationship sooner. Our relationship was very disfunctional in last couple of months. I'm pretty sure she is happy and sad with breakup in the same time, same as me. I think I did "chose good time", when she was okey with break up, and she wasn't like ..... Super bad about it as other times when I wanted pause. But she is waaaaaaay more fragile person then me. And now when we are not "officially" part of each others lives anymore, I'm not sure how I feel in terms of - is she okey part. I don't want to send her a message or get back together or contact someone from her life. I just wanna be sure if she is doing okey. So I look her art hobby profile from time to time. She is artist of some sort so .... I see her publishing art stuff 2-3 times a week. She doesn't do any kind of personal stuff on profile, it's just art sharing platform. Usually she is like typical girl, give me big can of ice-cream and Sheldon Cooper kinda girl. " I just want cry my ass out and don't do anything for next half year" kinda girl so .... xD My question based on this is; how can I conclude that she will be okey based on it? I really don't want for her to be hurt, or do something stupid cause of our mess. I don't want to contact her either. It would be just okey to know if she is doing okey. When I can expect from her being fully okey, without talking to her, and then let it go? I guess, based on story, if she is publishing art from time to time, at least she can handle it ... But all of this makes me just sad and sorry.

And the last one ....

4. Obviously , with this corona virus stuff, I have a hard time replacing time when I was with her with something else. First 5 days after a breakup I had a lot of doubts. Then I had 12 days of pure like ... Happy phase .... I felt extremely energetic to do bunch of stuff. Then I got like ... 20 days of big can ice-cream and cry to movies kinda phase. And in last 5 days, I am like ...... "normal"? XD I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just okey and neutral, as I always was in life. I wanna know ... How to move on now from this point and what to do to keep being okey every day? I feel I gained some positive momentum in last 3-4 days , and I would like to continue it, and I have no clue how to do it so. So how do I fulfill this time after it, based on circumstances, ... And in the same time, not to think about her? I feel like I'm ready to keep healing forward, and now it's time for next phase of that I guess so ....

Anyway, tnx for taking time to read this, and for all answers. I appreciate it a lot, it does mean to me a lot.

 

[TheRealCallie]

In short version.
We broke up about 5-6 weeks ago.
We haven't talked in this 5-6 weeks, and we both don't want to.
We are 50 - 50 in terms of fault.
We both wanted breakup.
Both of our lives are just f***ed up in terms of life circumstances so there is no point of comming back from both sides.
I'm pretty sure we still love each other on both sides.
I'm pretty sure we both don't want to go back together.

Did you expect to just stop loving someone when you break up? That's not how it works. To me, if it's actually love, it doesn't stop just because you aren't together anymore, it's forever. It will change over time, naturally, but you will always love them. But, as they say, love is definitely not always enough.

1. I don't think I understand why you regret it. Is it because you "messed up" her life or is it because now you know what you are missing? If it's the former, you didn't. It was her decision to get into the relationship. She knew all the facts, she knew what could happen, it was her choice, she chose you. No, it didn't work out, but so what. Not everything does. You live, you learn, you get your heart broken and you bounce back. The problem with hearing things after a funeral or even before is that you have to realize that sometimes people just have to vent. Sometimes people say some messed up things. Don't judge everyone based on comments you hear. Of course people are going to talk honeysuckle. Doesn't matter what other people say or do. It matters what you do, what you feel and what the girlfriend feels. You have nothing to regret. You have medical issues, yeah, it could end badly, but you do have every right to be happy with whatever time you have now. Any one of us could be hit by a bus or have a heart attack tomorrow. Time is never guaranteed. You know what might come, you can inform people who come into your life, but in the end, you could also be hit by a bus tomorrow. You never know. Live for today, not whatever may happen years from now.

2. Was it okay? No idea, I don't know what really happened or why she "doesn't care anymore." You wanted her to have an out and you gave her one. You were so concerned about making sure she knew EVERYTHING that it doesn't sound like you wanted to be in the relationship. So was it okay? Again, no idea, but it is what it is. People break up. If you are really "meant to be," things will work out in the end. But, honestly, it sounded like you wanted out too, whether it be to save her or save yourself, I don't know, but I also don't really know if you have anything to "forgive" yourself for. You both wanted out, it was mutual, so why do you have to forgive yourself, especially if you don't want back in?

3. Why exactly did you block her? Just unblock her and facebook stalk her to make sure she's okay and then block her again, if you feel she must be blocked. As for whether or not she will be okay, will it change anything? Will you go running back to take care of the "fragile" person? Let her people take care of her, you aren't the only one who cares about her, she has other people in her life and there's nothing you could do anyway. She's likely stronger and less fragile than you think she is and if she really wanted the breakup too, she will be fine. It's not your responsibility anymore to check on her. Yeah, I get that you want to know she's okay, but it's not on you anymore. Just trust that she will be, trust that her people can handle it. Which they can, given that they have known her longer than you have.

4. It takes time. There is no set period that it will all pass and you won't have to deal with it, everyone is different. My advice would be to stay busy. Keep your mind occupied. You are going to think about her, even years from now, you might think about her. That's not a bad thing and just because you think about her doesn't mean you can't move forward. So just go and stop kicking yourself for having a past. Everyone does.

 

[Just Games]

There's a lady at my work who has an amazing Barnet of luxuriant grey hair , it is seriously sexy the way it keeps falling over one of her eyes etc..
Would you dare to go grey?How would you feel about it. Not having to dye your hair ever again how would that sit with you.Would you like to dye your hair grey or silver.Or do you think you will be rocking the Zimmer with a strong colour.
I have dark grey hair and it has never bothered me but possibly cause I got lots of it.

Also do you find men with grey hair attractive or does it not matter to you ?

 

[ahsatan]

To me i don't care if a guy has grey hair.
I'd love to not dye my hair to cover grey hair but i think i look worse with grey hair. I know hair dye is not good for hair or health but i'm too self conscious to just not care.
I'm not brave. i do think it's cool that there's people that are brave to go natural.

 

[Just Games]

To me i don't care if a guy has grey hair.
I'd love to not dye my hair to cover grey hair but i think i look worse with grey hair. I know hair dye is not good for hair or health but i'm too self conscious to just not care.
I'm not brave. i do think it's cool that there's people that are brave to go natural.

Thanks for answering Natasha..Big Hug. ..mate.The reason I asked is because it was a bit of an issue in my house lately.I can see how slapping , painting all that dye on can be worrying cause all the hairdressers being shut I've seen how much is applied but I got a firm 'No' sort of are you nuts response  :club: when I suggested like your mate who also has great long hair with sort of dark streaks in it ,but haven't seen for a long time cause of covid 19 it would look great.Also cause I have to slick my 'mullet ' back and dared to suggest I buy clippers and shave mine off completely I got the 'No' again.
Also its a colour anyway and I think looks better than blonde ,which doesn't float my boat so I dunno rambling now ...Thanks for reading my rambles

 

[TheRealCallie]

There's a lady at my work who has an amazing Barnet of luxuriant grey hair , it is seriously sexy the way it keeps falling over one of her eyes etc..
Would you dare to go grey?How would you feel about it. Not having to dye your hair ever again how would that sit with you.Would you like to dye your hair grey or silver.Or do you think you will be rocking the Zimmer with a strong colour.
I have dark grey hair and it has never bothered me but possibly cause I got lots of it.

Also do you find men with grey hair attractive or does it not matter to you ?

I always said I would dye all my hair a fantastic silver color when I started getting more than a few strands of grey hair.  Sadly, around that time was when the young dude with grey hair was on American Idol, so it went wildly popular to do that.  I refuse to "follow" the crowd, even if I had been thinking it for several years before that.  I have dyed my hair nearly every color though.  Except blonde.  I've never been blonde before.   So yeah, I don't much care what color my hair is.
 
As for guys...I don't much care what color their hair is either.  Hair isn't all that important to me.  You know it's true because I just buzzed all my kid's hair off last night because he was sick of it and we have no idea when the salons are opening.    There are things that matter so much more than hair.

 

[Just Games]

There's a lady at my work who has an amazing Barnet of luxuriant grey hair , it is seriously sexy the way it keeps falling over one of her eyes etc..
Would you dare to go grey?How would you feel about it. Not having to dye your hair ever again how would that sit with you.Would you like to dye your hair grey or silver.Or do you think you will be rocking the Zimmer with a strong colour.
I have dark grey hair and it has never bothered me but possibly cause I got lots of it.

Also do you find men with grey hair attractive or does it not matter to you ?

I always said I would dye all my hair a fantastic silver color when I started getting more than a few strands of grey hair.  Sadly, around that time was when the young dude with grey hair was on American Idol, so it went wildly popular to do that.  I refuse to "follow" the crowd, even if I had been thinking it for several years before that.  I have dyed my hair nearly every color though.  Except blonde.  I've never been blonde before.   So yeah, I don't much care what color my hair is.
 
As for guys...I don't much care what color their hair is either.  Hair isn't all that important to me.  You know it's true because I just buzzed all my kid's hair off last night because he was sick of it and we have no idea when the salons are opening.    There are things that matter so much more than hair.

Yeah you right I suppose was just distracting from my better half going back to work on a tube train with no fresh air and an office with aircon and wearing a mask for first time like we all worried I suppose  .Also Britian having the highest death rate in the world just really nervous about it.

Anyway your sons a lucky teenager loads of blokes seem to have tidy short haircuts here and grade 1's a plenty ,apparently must know friends that are hairdressers.Still love women with long wavy silvery grey hair.Have you ever gone pink or purple cause you must care about your hair if you've dyed it so many colours

 

[Azariah]

Do girls like poems?_?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Do girls like poems?_?

I would say that depends on the girl, but generally, probably.

 

[WanderingInTheWoods]

Do girls like poems?_?

Yes, I enjoy poems. I write my own poems in my spare time too, but I usually only show trusted friends.

 

[MissBehave]

I tend to like the unusual ones. 
Getting love poems are pretty cool though

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'll try not to be too defensive here, but I honestly want to know:

can a guy be fun and attractive to you, if he isn't charming, charismatic, smooth-talking, or witty? if he doesn't tease you or have a sarcastic, facetious attitude?


I don't know how to phrase this in a better way that doesn't sound like it's a loaded question. But it's something I'm trying to work around.

I know I'm not witty. I don't really do banter. I'm not a quick thinker. And as I've said before, I just don't have the instinct or drive for teasing people. But it seems to be a big part of flirting. That, and sexual innuendo, which I also don't really do a lot of. I also don't really enjoy mocking and ridiculing people and things, and i'm not very good at it anyway. I'm guessing part of it is down to me being teased growing up and disliking it, not fitting in with people who were that way and not learning that behavior as a result/not becoming friends with people that i had to constantly prove myself to through insults and comebacks, and disliking being criticized in general. But it's also that it's just not something I do naturally.

I feel like people get an image of me as overly stiff and serious, when in reality I like to have fun as much as the next person, and I do have things I find funny, I just don't tease and I also don't feel the need to be the person coming up with the jokes or one-liners.

I'm also not a very good smooth-talker. If you asked me to come up with something charming or charismatic to say, I wouldnt know where to begin. I just don't know how to put that kind of spin on my words.

But, we all want someone we can be ourselves with and have fun with. I figure that if I can't do these things, then I have to find some other way that I can be a fun person too. I just don't know how.

 

[kaetic]

Mocking, ridiculing others isn't attractive...
And honesty is a hell of a lot more important than being witty.

Now smooth talking... I suppose that depends on what you mean. If you want to quote poetry, you can memorize some poems... If you want to tell jokes you can find jokes online, you want to keep a conversation going, listen to the other person. Ask questions, like what kind of stuff do you enjoy doing?

Now I don't have a lot of dating experience...
But the worst date I ever had, was also my first one. I was so nervous about how I was dressed, what I should order, what should I say, how should I act, and all the crap that I let people put in my head about what I should or shouldn't do that I couldn't keep track of what he was saying and took his joke seriously. I was so awkward and I didn't even have any feelings one way or the other for the guy. (that wasn't the worst thing that happened on that date but that's all I'm mentioning on this forum)
I guess my point is everyone gets nervous about this honeysuckle. Don't get so caught up in how you think you "ought to act" that you can't enjoy your date. Well, and listening is REALLY Important.