A few of my favorite George Carlin quotes...
"I wanna live, I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: NOT DYING! I figured that out alone, and in third grade!"
"I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done."
"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."