Reasons why you are picked on.

[condemnedsoul666]

the last few times i was picked on were when i stood up for someone else that was being bullied, hmm...

 

[TrailerTrish]

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You may be smart. Sometimes people who are not feel threatened and will pick on you.

Oh yeah, I get that one a lot, from men. There are men out there, a lot of them, who absolutely cannot stand it that any woman has a brain, and have to shut her down and put her in her place any way they can as soon as she says anything intelligent. The use ridicule, bullying, and insults, anything to shut her up and put her down.

It's quite obvious they are threatened by any intelligent woman.

 

[Equinox]

That also applies when folk say "Don't look like a victim and you won't be picked on and become one." It staggers me that people being bullied are, even now, still being blamed for bringing it upon themselves.

This not-looking-like-a-victim "thing" is basically similar to saying, "Keep dancing the body-language dance, and fully conform to it, or you're in for some more battering brought to you by yourself!"

Exactly. This applies also for other areas than just bullying. How many has heard the argument "She dressed slutty, so it's her own fault that she got raped"? Such a statement isn't just moronic and completely lacking of insight; it's a violation of human rights. People should be able to dress the way they want, look at whatever they want and be as smart or stupid as they are, without being attacked by some random idiots because of it.

If a person attacked someone else with an actual weapon, e.g. a knife, and did some serious damage, this person would probably go through a trial and then spend some time behind bars (rightly so). They wouldn't have gotten away with their crime by saying "But, your honour, my victim provoced me to stab him, because he was wearing a hat, and he didn't give me the attention I wanted". How the victim reacted to being attacked is completely irrelevant; the crime has already been done.

The same thing applies to rape, and to bullying. It's the same principle behind it, even if the severity of the crime is different. You cannot blame others for your own actions, and "being smart" isn't an action - it's a state of being. Me falling down when bullies push me isn't an action; it's a consequence of someone else's action, one ruled by physics (you push someone weaker than you, they will fall - it's a no-brainer).

By all means, I could agree that a person might "bring it upon themselves" if they behave very rudely and provocatively towards the bully/attacker. But to me, in the world I live in, "being smart" isn't a rude or provocative thing. Neither is "sitting quietly by myself" or "avoiding others".

No victim is to blame for being bullied. No victim is to blame for being raped. No victim is to blame for being attacked. There might be different circumstances at play sometimes, but ultimately the blame will always lie with the bully/rapist/attacker, because it's their actions; they're the ones harming someone else, and very, very few reasons can justify that.

I often use myself and my experinces when "debating" this topic, but only as examples to illustrate my points. This isn't about me any more; it's been years since I was bullied. I don't dwell on it, I don't spend time thinking about it, and I don't hold grudges. The only reason I talk about it here and now, is because there are still a lot of others out there being bullied today, and it is not okay to meet them with an attitude of "it's your own fault" - because it really isn't. They need support and empathy, not more people picking on them.

 

[Skorian]

That also applies when folk say "Don't look like a victim and you won't be picked on and become one." It staggers me that people being bullied are, even now, still being blamed for bringing it upon themselves.

This not-looking-like-a-victim "thing" is basically similar to saying, "Keep dancing the body-language dance, and fully conform to it, or you're in for some more battering brought to you by yourself!"

Exactly. This applies also for other areas than just bullying. How many has heard the argument "She dressed slutty, so it's her own fault that she got raped"? Such a statement isn't just moronic and completely lacking of insight; it's a violation of human rights. People should be able to dress the way they want, look at whatever they want and be as smart or stupid as they are, without being attacked by some random idiots because of it.

This is unrealistic. If a woman is half naked and cruising bars and happens into a bar that has ex cons or simular types. She made choices that put her in the situation she is in. She most definitly didn't have to make the choices that she did. This is totally hypothetical, but this sort of thing happens. In this case it is very much both peoples fault Maybe 30% her's and 70% the rapists. It is a fact that there are danderous people in the world. It will never be different. Choices have consiquences for all involved. It is smart to recognize that. It is not smart to want to live in a fantasy world and think that all actions don't have consiquences.

She can claim ignorance as to the type of people in the bar, but the fact is she should have thought about what she was doing and recognized signs of danger. I am not saying the rapist shouldn't be punished. Not arguing in their favor at all.

If you would actually listen you would realize this is arguing that women should take self defense classes.

If a person attacked someone else with an actual weapon, e.g. a knife, and did some serious damage, this person would probably go through a trial and then spend some time behind bars (rightly so). They wouldn't have gotten away with their crime by saying "But, your honour, my victim provoced me to stab him, because he was wearing a hat, and he didn't give me the attention I wanted". How the victim reacted to being attacked is completely irrelevant; the crime has already been done.

Careful. Do you know that gangs kill each other over what they are wearing all the time? They have symbols and ways of wearing clothing that identify them to each other. That is about the extent of my knowledge as I have no interest in gangs. I just know that for example in town where I live and everywhere else, that they know. If I were to go into a violent area dressed wrong, it can indeed be dangerous. I would be a fool to not recognize that. It would not make sense for the court system to convinct me and not someone who attacked me, but that does not mean my choices didn't lead up to it. My punishment would be the result of my choices and having to live with being shot, beaten, raped, or whatever happened.

The same thing applies to rape, and to bullying. It's the same principle behind it, even if the severity of the crime is different. You cannot blame others for your own actions, and "being smart" isn't an action - it's a state of being. Me falling down when bullies push me isn't an action; it's a consequence of someone else's action, one ruled by physics (you push someone weaker than you, they will fall - it's a no-brainer).

I don't agree.

By all means, I could agree that a person might "bring it upon themselves" if they behave very rudely and provocatively towards the bully/attacker. But to me, in the world I live in, "being smart" isn't a rude or provocative thing. Neither is "sitting quietly by myself" or "avoiding others".

I was picked on for being smart. So watch what your saying. I can see more then my side.

Maybe you aren't aware, but the quiet types are more and more being seen as future Jeffrey Dahmer types. More and more they are being seen as "the next school shooter". And more and more are being picked on for that reason, along with other older reasons.

No victim is to blame for being bullied. No victim is to blame for being raped. No victim is to blame for being attacked. There might be different circumstances at play sometimes, but ultimately the blame will always lie with the bully/rapist/attacker, because it's their actions; they're the ones harming someone else, and very, very few reasons can justify that.

I often use myself and my experinces when "debating" this topic, but only as examples to illustrate my points. This isn't about me any more; it's been years since I was bullied. I don't dwell on it, I don't spend time thinking about it, and I don't hold grudges. The only reason I talk about it here and now, is because there are still a lot of others out there being bullied today, and it is not okay to meet them with an attitude of "it's your own fault" - because it really isn't. They need support and empathy, not more people picking on them.

"I could argue that they need phsychiatric drugging and to be thrown into a ward to prevent them from hurting others". I never had any sort of experience with this myself, but many today are.

Most kids experiencing this were never dangerous until drugs made them that way. They then get labeled as dangerous as a result of medications and their life is turned to hell.

You need to take a long hard look at reasons why people are picked on.

Saying that victims have no part of their situation. Well it is a matter of degree's.

On the far extreme is becoming a victim of being shot by walking into a shooting range's firing range when people are shooting. Then declaring innocence and pointing the finger at whoever was shooting. There is no enormous difference between this and other cases. It is just a matter of degree's. I would say it is at least 90% the victims fault.

It is for this same reason that doors have locks and people often lock their doors at night.

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Skorian...

Then, it's your lucky day - I wouldn't dream of being balanced!

Ian.

I am not suprised by that.....

Even if you do mean it as a joke.

If you can't kill a spider that is building a web in your own home. You must know that makes you, "special".

 

[Equinox]

If a woman is half naked and cruising bars and happens into a bar that has ex cons or simular types. She made choices that put her in the situation she is in.

My friend got raped at the age of 15, by a male friend whom she trusted. She wasn't drunk, she wasn't half naked. She liked him, she made out with him, and then he raped her. She had no way of defending herself. She had no chance of forseeing what he would do. If she had known what would happen, of course she wouldn't have been at that party, but people aren't fortune tellers.

Another girl got raped right after she got off the bus on her way home one evening. She was simply going home. Her front door was 100m away. The only choice she made was the decision to go home.

What are you saying, exactly? That everyone should just lock themselves inside all day and night, because if they go out in public someone might decide to hurt them, and because they chose to go out, this would be their own fault? Seriously? If so, you're even more messed up than I thought, and I feel really sorry for you.

 

[condemnedsoul666]

This thread is making me a little more sad, some people just need to grow up....
people pick on people because they can, not all do but some do...
i honestly cant be messed to write anymore so consider this incomplete....

 

[SophiaGrace]

I just checked out a book about women being battered, and that maybe they aren't victims but have something "mentally" wrong with them to consistently choose abusive guys and to go back time and time again to their abusers.

It'll be an interesting read. Different perspective

 

[Skorian]

I just checked out a book about women being battered, and that maybe they aren't victims but have something "mentally" wrong with them to consistently choose abusive guys and to go back time and time again to their abusers.

It'll be an interesting read. Different perspective

It is a complex issue. The point of this thread is to help people look at the issue more deeply. To really understand something you have to be open to hearing all sides. Depends on individual cases how things are. Many people oversimplify things and miss out on "everything". I get very tired of people that are knee jerk about everything in life.

I would recommend looking into a book that tries to deconstruct abusive relationships. Not just looking at either side, but both together and how both people play into creating the situation. Often both are to blame. To understand I personally think you need to look at both people. The problem is psychology tends to deal with people one at a time.

You really have to speak in terms of specific cases though as everything is a little different from situation to situation. Generalizations tend to go wrong.

Are you on psych central? Sending people over here? Use a pic I remember someone with that name using here years ago?

I have over 20 years experience observing my parents. Both were victims of each other. To say that one was in the right would be rediculous. This is true of most abuser/victim cases generally really. My mother was more a victim in a way, but it was only once they got devorced that I saw things I had missed. I tended to always side with her. I now know she was much more at fault then I believed. They both were at fault though. They both blamed the other. Would refuse to listen to each other. They would insult each other and many times both be right. People need to be secure enough in themselves to listen and accept what is said or communication goes to crap. People also need to be fleixble enough to respond and not be as rigid as a board. Have to only ask for reasonable things.

If it is you, yes I ran across a certian post years ago. If you want to understand things you really need a third person to observe that is unbiased. Have to be willing to accept their observations. Not talking about me here, not going to do that.

 

[Skorian]

If a woman is half naked and cruising bars and happens into a bar that has ex cons or simular types. She made choices that put her in the situation she is in.

My friend got raped at the age of 15, by a male friend whom she trusted. She wasn't drunk, she wasn't half naked. She liked him, she made out with him, and then he raped her. She had no way of defending herself. She had no chance of forseeing what he would do. If she had known what would happen, of course she wouldn't have been at that party, but people aren't fortune tellers.

It is hard to make any observations from just this. What did the guy have to say? Did he believe he was doing her a favor or that she wanted sex? Did he just do what he wanted against her will?

Since she is your friend I am sure you are inclined towards her side and would be against looking at all information. There really isn't enough information here to say much, but I am sure she made mistakes. The problem is people beat themselves up over the mistakes instead of simply learning from them. Some people refuse to acknowlege any mistakes and so don't learn.

Another girl got raped right after she got off the bus on her way home one evening. She was simply going home. Her front door was 100m away. The only choice she made was the decision to go home.

People make thousands of choices every hour that they take for granted. No one even realizes all these choices. I am no expert on rape, but I believe a kick or knee in the groin will end most guys want for sex. I would again really need much more information to offer any real oppinion on how it all went down and what possible options were available.

What are you saying, exactly? That everyone should just lock themselves inside all day and night, because if they go out in public someone might decide to hurt them, and because they chose to go out, this would be their own fault? Seriously? If so, you're even more messed up than I thought, and I feel really sorry for you.

Of course not. I realize that you probably cope with your problems to avoid a desire to do this. Which is probably why you say it. If you obsess, you probably are anxious. Being anxious would mean you have an excess of fear and so you mentally have to cope with that. You probably have alot of epinephrine in your system much of the time. Anyway, thinking about these things likely is more then you can deal with so you find ways to cope by shutting them out. The problem I find is that leaves you fairly defenseless. I would guess that in a crissis you can lock up? Become too afraid to respond to a problem? Maybe have panic attacks? And so to deal with that you look at things the way you seem to be. That is a guess. So you know that in a bad situation you will panic and the only truly safe solution is to just stay in the safest places. Only that isn't realistic. You can't function like that.

I would recommend instead of focusing on fear, try to harness it into something productive like how to deal with a situation if it did happen. Just do not overdo it. Work on it and move onto something else. Don't sit in it and work yourself up. Don't make yourself too afraid to leave the house.

I could say more, but am going to cut it short.

I will take your insult as a compliment.

I used to be anxious. It is safe to say that I have pretty much 0 anxiety thanks to things I know. It is nice to be able to watch the worst horror film and go straight to bed with no thought of fear. It is nice to be able to just sit with a blank mind if I want to.

 

[Skorian]

I am always been shy... So I was very quiet and shy at school. A lot more shy than now. It was so hard to even try to speak anymore, because those bullies already destroyed my self-esteem... Also I am always been ''different'' than other teenagers were. I don't care about drinking alcohol or smoking. I was just interested about other things than they were.

The most powerful thing you can do is ask someone why they are picking on you. In many cases if you can simply start a normal conversation that will be the end of it. You might find out alot of things you didn't know or realize. That may be too hard to do for some, but you might be suprised how things work out.

Yeah, that is true... I hope that I am brave enough someday to ask why they bullied me, if I see them (this is a little city...).

You can always write a note and ask them in a note. Ask if they want to explain and tell them that you were hurt.

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This thread is making me a little more sad, some people just need to grow up....
people pick on people because they can, not all do but some do...
i honestly cant be messed to write anymore so consider this incomplete....

Your already sad without help I would guess. It is your choice. What are you going to do that can change that?

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Yea, I was picked on as a little kid by this one awful *********, I had almost snapped on him once in the Cafeteria but I had held myself back partially because I knew I was better than him and based on the fact that usually in Highschool, the victim is quite often punished just as bad as the bullier. Which really is a shame.

I feel like if someone is being bullied and they snap on the bully (beat the honeysuckle out of him or w.e, really anything) the victim should NOT be at fault. It was the bully that pushed the victim to the edge and therefore should be the one punished.

It still makes me sick of the crap that goes on in highschools.

Then you would be the bully. No one should be beating the honeysuckle out of anyone. Two wrongs do not make a right. No one can just simply be in the right no matter what. That is how this alot of stuff starts to begin with.

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To feel better about themselves, to have something to laugh about with their friends, someone to take their frustration out on.

There are more then just negative reasons though and that is what more people need to see. Sometimes when people are very sensitive everything seems like it is meant to hurt.

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I don't know why.....people just don't like me.

Sounding like you don't like yourself and everything goes wrong from there?

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Is it possible to be picked on as an adult? Ive seen it on series and movies, but I always doubt it could happen in real life.

It definitly is possible.

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I am always been shy... So I was very quiet and shy at school. A lot more shy than now. It was so hard to even try to speak anymore, because those bullies already destroyed my self-esteem... Also I am always been ''different'' than other teenagers were. I don't care about drinking alcohol or smoking. I was just interested about other things than they were.

I used to think like this. I then realized that I was looking for reasons to explain how I felt anyway. It wasn't things that had happened nearly as much just the way I was.

Some self-esteem is learned, but a great deal is biological. I have found improving/changing my diet helped. Amoung some other things. If things are working right even a tornado smashing a person's house won't put them down.

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bullies defend bullies
it is how it is

And people rationalize what they want to believe. Instead of asking questions you jumped to way too many conclusions and that is why what happened did.

 

[Nairoks]

Wonder if anyone can figure it out? The whole IP address thing was really a tease + offering some information to people. It is super easy to have any number of thousands of IP addresses.

Anyway. I figured I would add something to the thread. If people actually asked questions instead of being afraid this would have become obvious, beyond me offering it myself.

I also would hold myself responsible for seeing someone raped and doing nothing to stop or prevent it. I personally think all American's are responsible for things that happened under Bush. All humans diserve some basic rights and decent treatment. We lose our humanity otherwise. Torture is unacceptable under any circumstance. Those who support torture are no better then those that they torture. I wish I had done more to prevent things that happened, but it wasn't just me. I am only one person.

I think people are responsible for what goes on around them. If my neighbor was a serial killer and I did nothing, then I am just as guilty as them for not knowing and not stoping it. I don't think anyone around me is though, I live in a good neighborhood.

Of course this is off topic in regards to the fact that people are picked on. The problem I see is that many people here want to see it as pure negative and it isn't. Of course it will hurt when you see people as out to get you, but most people are not that cruel. Very often people are motivated out of curiosity or concern.

Sometimes life requires being a "dick" or "pig". Sometimes the best way to get through to someone, teach someone, or influence someone is not by being nice. I often find myself agreeing with people like Steve Wilko and others. Some people may not like the fact that I can at times sound like a cop.

What I am not responsible for are worries of those who worry, that is their own responsibility to learn to cope with or change. Every day you have a choice to stay sick or try for something better. If you choose to fixate on a few events and claim that is what made you who you are. Well you will never change and be stuck in your own private hell forever. If you choose to look at people with a sick narrative that you create, that is your choice. I don't have to defend or change that. I am perfectly happy being disliked by those who are so quick to pass judgement.

Just thought I would make some things clear. Maybe I should clear up a few other things?

This attitude does not make me weak, it makes me strong.

 

[condemnedsoul666]

I wonder what it would be like if I read your name backwards, hmm....
It reads as '*******'
Nice (Y)

 

[PurpleDays]

I get picked on because I look too much like Justin Bieber, true story.

LOL.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

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[SophiaGrace]

Because I listen too much. My patience and inclination to try to help others is borderline between overnice and stupid. I still got to improve my ability to not let people dump their emotional honeysuckle on me, just accept what truly matters and not let toxic people destroy me with their emotional thrash transfers. Also, I have to learn to laugh back at them, or insult them back, when someone laughs at me, or insults me, instead of taking it in and seeking truth in it.

mhm lucky you have the ability to do this. Lucky you arent mute and unable to speak.

 

[Nolife Princess]

.....It's not always something 'bad' that is the reason that one is picked on.

.....Being a 'rich' kid, or wearing better clothes, and having nice things can get you picked on too.... shitty jealous ********! I hated high school!

 

[PurpleDays]

>|

 

[Arsenic Queen]

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[Mouse]

I've always been picked on because I dance to a different tune. My beloved late father called me 'Bohemian'. Yes, that sits with me well now, but in real life I won't tolerate bullying and become unrelentingly vicious to anyone who wants to pick a fight. I protect my brother.. and all close friends who have been put down or get picked on.

Dad always said I was good in a fight. I remarked back, 'well, you gave me ample opportunity to learn you irascible old sod' to which we'd have jolly a good laugh always ending in a hug.

Dad was a great man and taught me well. Tragic he died so young; I will never understand why. I mean, God could have picked on me, or have one thousand billion diamonds.. but instead he took away the only one I ever loved.

 

[Legato]

Because i'm sensitive.

I put other people before me to much, so its easy to leave my guards open.

I dont feel bad for being picked on. I like improving in life anyway possible. Guess it helps to push forward