I haven't been picked on per se in a long time. But when I was it was for having non-masculine interests. I don't mean like feminine interests, I mean "nerdy" interests. Because I guess you are supposed to like real-world things only, things that "create value" for others so you can compete for social status.
Also, I wasn't good at anything - especially not being better at anything than other people.
I didn't keep up with cultural references, and I wasn't "funny" or "witty" - I didn't like to mock things, and I wasn't good at quick thinking.
Also because I didn't have an aggressive, competitive, antagonistic, dominant personality, I didn't have a drive to rebel, take risks, pick fights, make fun of others, or act like I was better than everyone else, and because I wasn't powerful, it wouldn't have worked anyway even if I did.
These things combined to make me seem weak and boring. But I didn't know what to do. I was doing what I wanted, what I thought I was supposed to do, and I wasn't living under some kind of evil regime. There wasn't anything to rebel against. If I tried to, I would have just been inventing a situation, making a problem where there wasn't one. I didn't grow up seeing rebellion as some kind of worthy cause. Most of the people who were rebellious growing up, just seemed spiteful for spite's sake, just being like that to be "cool", not for any heroic purpose. It just didn't make any sense to me, and seemed needlessly nasty.
All that time, I thought I was just liking what I liked, what came naturally to me. I thought "it's a free country", and as long as it didn't hurt anyone, I could do what I wanted and no one's interests were better than anyone else's and who was anyone to tell me that I'm wrong and their interests are "better" than mine. I always heard you were supposed to "just be yourself", and that's what I thought I was doing. I also thought I was supposed to "not worry about being popular or being 'cool'" or "not worry about fitting in", because that stuff was shallow, fake, and immature. I thought you were supposed to be friendly and agreeable, and I thought you weren't supposed to worry about trying to impress others.
I didn't play the social game, being "cool"/popularity, I thought I couldn't anyway because I wasn't born with the right stuff, so I retreated into my own interests, and wasn't deemed "valuable" to others, because not only was I not good at the game, but I wasn't even playing. I was seen as "awkward" for not trying to play the game of being "cooler" than others.
That's why all this stuff about "creating value" for others comes as news to me, because I didn't think connecting with other people was supposed to be so conditional. I'm not saying that everyone should be everyone's friend, I'm just saying that I didn't think getting to know people was supposed to be so exclusive, especially for exclusivity's sake. I thought only ******** who just lucked into having the high cards in life (or at least thought they did), acted that way. Another surprise is that some people like the way jerks act, rude, condescending, dismissive, cocky, cold and aloof, critical, smug and superior, etc., because that's seen as being "high value". I don't value people like that, in fact, when someone acts like that to me I de-value them. But the world seems to like that stuff.
I also thought it as OK to be "just OK', I thought only a few people could be exceptional by the dumb luck of being born with the right stuff, I didn't know that I was supposed to try to be good at things and impress people. And I didn't think I could because I didn't feel like I had a knack for anything.
Looking back I feel like I was ignorant of a lot, and now I have a lot of catching up to do.
One thing I learned from all of it, that I'm still trying to get the hang of, is that when someone tries to pick on you, it's better to respond with sarcasm than rage. When you respond with rage it seems to make others want to take the bully's side, which just enrages me more. Sarcasm however, points out their faults too, like "yeah whatever, you should worry about your own honeysuckle cause you have problems of your own". I'm still trying to get the hang of this as I'm not sarcastic by nature.
I know it's not good to get consumed in this stuff and I don't really sweat the past anymore, the school years. It was what it was, I didn't know any better, and the past wasn't all bad, in fact it was good the vast majority of the time. But I just reflect on it sometimes to get it off my chest, really process it and understand it, and try to not repeat the same mistakes.
.She never picks on me and I can't think of anyone that does.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
