The crappy indie that is "me"

[hoviariel]

Hi everyone.
I recently found this site during my depressed periods and I finally decided to give it a try.
My problem is a bit… big. It’s because my problem has been with me my entire life. I’m 17 but it feels like I'm just a few months old. The problem is that I have no past. I'm not saying that I just landed from Mars a few months ago but it’s that I don’t have a connection, a deep one anyway, to anybody. When I was a child I so lonely (I'm guessing anyway) miserable that I have been suicidal since I was 7-9. I have these memories of me being a child and trying to stab myself in the stomach with knives. I truly have no childhood friend and no close friend (well someone I can call a friend anyway). Most of my childhood is a blank and some of the things I've repressed including being bullied by children for different things, including being teased at because of my father’s age. Apparently those memories that I have repressed have possibly made me suffer from Post-traumatic stress disorder, constant depersonalization and derealization, and have this phobia of my parents dying or being abandoned. I'm borderline misandric, despite being male myself, could you blame me, my history with males=bad. I truly have no past. I have no memories of being happy and healthy, basically no good memories that are strong enough to give me hope and make optimistic about my future. Strangely, I'm a school nerd and top of my class. The reason is probably because when I was 10 or 13 I tried to compensate and sort of use schoolwork as a drug, to make me deny my problems. I've tried a lot of methods to kill and harm myself, including knives, jumping, scratching, biting, strangling, but nope, I just won’t die. I guess the reason I don’t finally get it over with and kill myself is because I keep on wondering how people would react after I kill myself. Obviously my parents will be scarred for life and the idea of actually hurting another person is what’s keeping me from finally doing it (hopefully at some point of my life I lose my humanity and finally do it, but I don’t like being optimistic ). I just wish I can have something deep with a person. I just to have a deep and close and stable relationship with a single darn person. Every time I try to get close to people it falls apart, usually because the person was either using me since I'm a good doormat. I recently forced my parents to take me to a psychotherapist to finally fix me but I haven’t started yet so I'm not sure of the possible result. My parents, strangely, don’t know anything about my problems nor does anyone else for that matter, in detail anyway. So I'm not sure how long I’ll be able to go seek therapy before my parents just decide that it’s a waste of money. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm ranting but I'm just confused at to what to do now. It’s like I've just awaken from a very long dream (probably more of a nightmare). I just want to know in the mean time how I can actually form a close relationship with a person that won’t eventually collapse. I'm tired of forming semi-close relationships with people but soon losing them when I try to make it closer (I'm a jinx apparently )

So any ideas?

 

[tehdreamer]

What I've come to realize, is that a lot of us here have the very same problems when it comes to forming meaningful friendships and relationships. We're all "social outcasts" in some way or another and have lost the ability to gain close relationships with people.

I think therapy is a good start for you. Maybe you'll learn something useful that can help you get on the right track to giving your life meaning. You can always have your therapist talk to your parents about why he/she thinks you should continue therapy once you start seeing them regularly. The therapist wouldn't have to say all of your secrets, just a recommendation that you should keep going. Then it won't be a waste of money.

Anyways, I hope things work out for you at you get to gain a little clarity. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to make new, better memories.

 

[nerdygirl]

Well, coming here to talk can be a good start to expressing your thoughts and getting feedback. Welcome to the site!

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[maemae]

Hey love
Man you sound just like me, I don't know you but I understand what your saying, I know that you may think that no one else could get you, and I'm gunna disagree, but people here seem nice and if you are open with them I'm sure your find some comfort here.

I understand what you saying about not having a past, I feel that way, people ask me stuff and all I can say is I don't know, there nothing there because i’ve blocked it all out, it sucks sometimes and my mom hates that i dont have any recognition of the past. But at the end of the day it is the past, and really you just gotta keep looking forward, and give yourself a chance to be happy.

You are young, and I know things arent easy for you, but you still have so much to live for, you have a whole future, its your, you can change and make things happen. Find something that means something to you, something to take your mind of stuff, I know it sounds silly but honestly try, there maybe classes..sports,drama,art,music all good forms of self-expression, and you may find that these things might help, meds alone cant tackle depression, you need to do other things.

You may thing i'm talking a load of crap, and thats fine, but ive been living with depression successfully and unsuccessfully for years and I still have hope, and I just want you to see that even when things seem hopeless there is always hope, you just got to believe in yourself and believe you deserve to be happy, and hun you do deserve happiness, so put on a fake smile and go out and face the world (just take everyday as it comes, things wont always be so bad) xxx
P.S: If you ever need to talk your more than welcome to message me

 

[soldier]

I don't know what possessed me to click through to this forum, or to this thread, but...

Having no past. I had never thought of it like that, but I can really relate to some of what you're saying hoviariel. I too have never really been close to anyone and I don't remember much of my past mainly beacuse not much happens that's memorable. I'm a bit older than you are but it sounds like you've had more failed social encounters than I have, mainly because so often I fail to try at all. I spend large amounts of time by myself, and then when I'm so overcome with loneliness that I have to venture out into the world, I act surprised that I can't relate to anyone or interact with them. When I do try to take part in the world, I'm often a doormat, same as yourself. I've never attempted suicide, mainly out of concern about how it would affect other people. But with my job, if I ever did decide to die, I could do it quickly and unfailingly. Sometimes I do wonder if that wouldn't be best. But I'm not likely to ever go through with it.

The longer I take to write this the more hesitant I am to post it so instead of going in depth let me finish up... we're undoubtedly different people, but we might have something in common, maybe. At least, for a moment, the thought was enough to convince me to sign up here. But don't feel obliged to reply if my post fails to strike you the ways yours struck me. Sometimes I'm a little funny like that...

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site, soldier.

 

[edgecrusher]

i know how you feel. i feel kind of like i dont have a past either. i dont regularly talk to a single person from high school. all the "best" friends i have ever had have left in one way or another. i have never had a real girlfriend or dated as an adult. i havent really done anything with myself and i dont really have any stories to tell when in a group of people.

 

[hoviariel]

Hi and thanks for the warm welcome
The thing about how I see the past is pretty out their. I feel like Im a ship in open waters and although presently there arent any storms, I know that they will eventually come. I dont have an anchor or compass to help me survive those tough moments. Thats how I see the past. The past is supposed to be my anchor and those bonds I dont have with people my compass (hmm, probably the other way around). Although Im probably gonna make some good memories in the future, how can I be sure that those memories will be strong enough to make wanna survive those storms and actually survive.
Ive been thinking and its not that its hard for me to form good relatioships with people. In the past Ive been able to form relationships with people and likewise now in the present I know people and can connect with them. The problem is that I dont have any relationship thats worth fighting for and the ones that are worth it, were fought for and lost. In my case its like unrequited love, having a relationship with someone means much more then what it means to that person. They can dump me and move on because they already have that one person that they know will always be there for them. They have their families, childhood best friends, lovers, mentors, and etc but I dont have any of that. Even in the case of family. I mean I do have parents and cousins but Im just not in a relationship with them mostly because of their beliefs and opinions which contradict with mine (and Im not talking about what kind of music they like). Everytime I try to form a relationship with a person Im trying to form that forever-and-ever one, and thats why I get amazingly damaged everytime Ive been dumped (Btw, Im not talking about romance just platonic friendships).
Taking my mind of my problems just wont work for me. My mind likes to remember and even if I take up hobby, it wont take long for me to remember my problems. :/